Report Highlights. Online dating has fundamentally changed how people connect and form relationships. Recent studies show that between 10% and nearly half of all couples in the U.S. meet online^[1], underscoring the growing influence of digital platforms in modern romance. 

Here are some key takeaways:

• Between 10% and nearly 50% of all couples in the U.S. now meet through online dating.^[1]
• One in five adults under 30 say they met their current spouse or partner through a dating app.^[1]
• Around 12% of adults report entering into a committed relationship or marriage with someone they initially met on a dating site or app.^[2]
• Back in 2013, only 3% of adults said they had formed a long-term relationship through online dating. That number has now climbed to 12%, a fourfold increase.^[2]

Challenges in Online Dating

• Americans lost $1.3 billion to romance scams in 2022, making it the costliest form of consumer fraud that year.^[3]
• Online dating algorithms favor popularity, often recommending attractive users more frequently.^[4]
• 56% of women under 50 who have used dating apps report receiving unsolicited sexually explicit messages or images.^[1]
• 43% say someone kept contacting them after they said they were not interested, and 37% have been called offensive names.^[1]
• 52% of online dating users say they have encountered someone they believe was trying to scam them.^[1]
• Men under 50 are particularly vulnerable, with 63% reporting a suspected scam encounter.^[1]
• The share of U.S. adults who believe online dating is “very” or “somewhat” safe has dropped from 53% in 2019 to 48% in 2022.^[1]
• Women are more likely than men to say online dating is unsafe.^[1]
• 11% of women under 50 have received physical threats on dating platforms.^[1]

Demographics and Online Dating

• Younger adults (18–29) are the largest user group, with roughly half having tried at least one dating app.^[1]
• LGBTQ+ adults are more likely to use dating apps, with 51% reporting usage compared to 28% of straight adults.^[1]
• Men are slightly more likely than women to have tried online dating, with 34% of men and 27% of women reporting usage.^[1]
• In 2023, Tinder’s U.S. user base was overwhelmingly male — 67% men vs. 33% women.^[5]
• People with a college education are more likely to use dating apps than those with a high school education or less.^[1]
• Urban dwellers are more likely to use dating apps than rural populations.^[6] 
• Never-married adults are the biggest users, with 52% having tried dating apps, compared to just 16% of married adults.^[1]

Impact of Online Dating on Social Trends

• Between 10% and nearly 50% of all couples in the U.S. now meet through online dating.^[1]
• Dating apps have contributed to a rise in interracial marriages since 2010.^[7]
• The “grass is greener” effect may make commitment harder because online dating provides endless options.^[4]
• Algorithm-driven dating is shaping modern romance and replacing traditional matchmaking by friends and family.^[8]
• Critics argue that dating algorithms reduce romance to formulas and diminish the role of spontaneity in love.^[9]

Motivations and Behaviors in Online Dating

• As of April 2024, U.S. adults spent an average of 50.9 minutes per day on dating apps.^[10]
• 44% of dating app users seek a serious relationship, while 24% use the platforms primarily for hookups.^[1]
• Only 21% of U.S. adults believe that dating apps’ matching algorithms can predict true compatibility.^[1]
• 54% of women feel overwhelmed by the number of messages they receive, while 64% of men feel insecure about the lack of messages they receive.^[1] 
• 41% of online dating users report positive experiences, 32% report negative experiences.^[1]
• Paid dating app users report more positive experiences (58%) compared to free users (50%).^[1]
• Women were more likely than men to report a negative experience.^[1]

Success and Stability of Online Relationships

• Approximately 10% of heterosexual couples met through dating apps as of 2021, while for same-sex couples, this figure is higher, with 24% meeting online.^[1]
• 20% of partnered adults under 30 met their spouse or partner online.^[1]
• 12% of online daters in the U.S. ended up marrying or entering a committed relationship with someone they met through a dating site or app.^[2]
• 5.96% of marriages that started online ended in separation or divorce by the time of the survey, compared with 7.67% among couples who met offline.^[11]
• Participants who met online reported higher average marital satisfaction than those who met offline.^[11]

Additional Resources

Journalists should examine how online dating reflects broader societal shifts, from success rates and evolving perceptions to the growing influence of digital matchmaking tools. Investigate AI’s role, safety concerns, and shifting relationship norms to provide a deeper understanding of how technology is redefining modern romance in an increasingly digital landscape.

For further reading on related topics, check out these articles:

Domestic Violence Statistics by State 2024

Teen Dating Violence Statistics 2024

Domestic Violence Statistics 2024

LGBTQ+ Sexual Violence Statistics 2024

Child Sexual Abuse Statistics in the U.S. 2024

It Was Never About Clothes: Student’s Haunting Photos Confront Assault Myths

FAQs

References

1. Key findings about online dating in the U.S. Pew Research Center. (2023, February 2).
https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/

2. Anderson, M., Vogels, E. A., & Turner, E. (2020, February 6). The virtues and downsides of online dating. Pew Research Center.
https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/02/06/the-virtues-and-downsides-of-online-dating/

3. Federal Trade Commission. (2024, February). Love stinks when a scammer is involved [Blog post]. FTC Business Guidance Blog.
https://www.ftc.gov/business-guidance/blog/2024/02/love-stinks-when-scammer-involved

4. Celdir, M. E., Cho, S.-H., & Hwang, E. H. (2023). Popularity bias in online dating platforms: Theory and empirical evidence. Manufacturing & Service Operations Management.
https://doi.org/10.1287/msom.2022.0132

5. Dixon, S. J. (2023, December 13). U.S. online dating users 2023, by gender. Statista.
https://www.statista.com/forecasts/1358191/us-online-dating-users-by-gender

6. Castro, Á., & Barrada, J. R. (2020). Dating apps and their sociodemographic and psychosocial correlates: A systematic review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(18), 6500.
https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17186500

7. Thomas, R. J. (2020). Online exogamy reconsidered: Estimating the internet’s effects on racial, educational, religious, political, and age assortative mating. Social Forces, 98(3), 1257–1286.
https://doi.org/10.1093/sf/soz060

8. Rosenfeld, M. J., Thomas, R. J., & Hausen, S. (2019). Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 116(36), 17753–17758.
https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1908630116

9. Wang, H. (2023). Algorithmic colonization of love: The ethical challenges of dating app algorithms in the age of AI. Techné: Research in Philosophy and Technology, 27(2), 260–280.
https://doi.org/10.5840/techne202381181

10. Online dating market outlook worldwide. (2024). Statista.
https://www.statista.com/outlook/emo/dating-services/online-dating/worldwide

11. Cacioppo, J. T., Cacioppo, S., Gonzaga, G. C., Ogburn, E. L., & VanderWeele, T. J. (2013). Marital satisfaction and break-ups differ across on-line and off-line meeting venues. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 110(25), 10135–10140.
https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1222447110

12. Why TinderⓇ’s first Sunday of the year, better known as ‘Dating Sunday,’ is a game-changer for singles. (2024, December 19). Tinder.
https://sg.tinderpressroom.com/Dating-Sunday-2025

• 53% of American 18-to-29-year-olds have turned to dating apps as a key way to meet people.^[1]
• 37% of 30-to-49-year-olds are also active users of dating apps.^[1]
• 26% of singles aged 50 and above are exploring dating apps.^[1]
• 30% of U.S. adults have used a dating app.^[1]
• 51% of gay and bisexual adults report using dating apps.^[1]

Dating App Usage Statistics

• Globally, 381 million people used dating apps in 2024, and this number is projected to increase to 452.47 million by 2028.^[2]
• 17% of the U.S. population used online dating services in 2023, equating to nearly 60 million users.^[3]
• User penetration in the online dating market in Europe is projected to reach 8.8% in 2025 and is expected to increase to 9.9% by 2029.^[4]
• In Asia, user penetration will be 3.9% in 2025 and is expected to hit 4.3% by 2029.^[5]
• User penetration in South America will reach 6.7% in 2025 and is expected to hit 7.1% by 2029.^[6]
• Belgium has the highest user penetration rate in the online dating market, projected at 18.5%.^[4]
• Roughly a third of online dating users (35%) say they have ever paid to use one of these platforms.^[1]

Demographics of Dating App Users

• Younger adults (18–29) are the largest user group, with roughly half having tried at least one dating app.^[1]
• LGBTQ+ adults are more likely to use dating apps, with 51% reporting usage compared to 28% of straight adults.^[1]
• Men are slightly more likely than women to have tried online dating, with 34% of men and 27% of women reporting usage.^[1]
• Tinder’s U.S. user base is overwhelmingly male — 75.8% men vs. 24.2% women.
• People with a college education are more likely to use dating apps than those with a high school education or less.^[1]
• Urban dwellers represent most dating app users.^[7] 
• Never-married adults are the biggest users, with 52% having tried dating apps, compared to just 16% of married adults.^[1]

User Experiences and Success Rates

• Only 21% of U.S. adults believe that dating apps’ matching algorithms can predict true compatibility.^[1]
• 41% of online dating users report positive experiences, 32% report negative experiences.^[1]
• Approximately 10% of heterosexual couples met through dating apps as of 2021, while for same-sex couples, this figure is higher, with 24% meeting online.^[1]
• 44% of dating app users seek a serious relationship, while 24% use the platforms primarily for hookups.^[1]
• In 2019, around 12% of U.S. adults reported marrying or entering a committed relationship with someone they first met online — up significantly from just 3% in 2013.^[7]
• 20% of partnered adults under 30 met their spouse or partner online.^[1]
• Paid dating app users report more positive experiences (58%) compared to free users (50%).^[1]
• 54% of women feel overwhelmed by the number of messages they receive while 64% of men feel insecure about the lack of messages they receive.^[1] 
• Women were more likely than men to report a negative experience.^[1]

Challenges and Downsides of Online Dating

• Only about four in ten U.S. adults overall (42%) say online dating has made the search for a long-term partner easier.^[8]
• Americans lost $1.3 billion to romance scams in 2022 — making it the costliest form of consumer fraud that year.^[9]
• Online dating algorithms favor popularity, often recommending attractive users more frequently.^[10]
• 56% of women under 50 who have used dating apps report receiving unsolicited sexually explicit messages or images.^[1]
• 43% say someone kept contacting them after they said they were not interested, and 37% have been called offensive names.^[1]
• 52% of online dating users say they have encountered someone they believe was trying to scam them.^[1]
• Men under 50 are particularly vulnerable, with 63% reporting a suspected scam encounter.^[1]
• The share of U.S. adults who believe online dating is “very” or “somewhat” safe has dropped from 53% in 2019 to 48% in 2022.^[1]
• Women are more likely than men to say online dating is unsafe.^[1]
• 11% of women under 50 have received physical threats on dating platforms.^[1]

Popular Dating Apps

• With an estimated 75 million monthly active users worldwide as of late 2022, Tinder retains the top spot in global market share among dating apps.^[11]
• 76% of Americans are aware of Tinder, making it the most recognized online dating brand in the U.S.^[3]
• Bumble is second to Tinder in U.S. brand awareness, at around 31%.^[3]
• Grindr holds a 60% awareness rate, making it the most recognized dating platform among gay, bisexual, and trans individuals.^[3]
• Match.com remains a popular option, especially for older demographics; about 10% of Americans age 50+ have tried it.^[3]

Financial Aspects of Dating Apps

• Revenue in the online dating market is projected to reach US$3.17bn in 2025.^[12]
• Approximately 35% of online dating users have paid for services or features on these platforms. This includes 45% of users with upper incomes, 36% with middle incomes, and 28% with lower incomes.^[1]
• The U.S. remains the country with the largest online dating revenue, followed by U.K.^[12] 
• In the online dating market, the number of users is expected to amount to 462.5m users by 2029.^[12]
• User penetration will be 5.2% in 2025 and is expected to hit 5.7% by 2029.^[12]
• The average revenue per user (ARPU) is expected to amount to US$7.83.^[12]

Additional Resources

For further reading on related topics, check out these articles:

Domestic Violence Statistics by State 2024

Teen Dating Violence Statistics 2024

Domestic Violence Statistics 2024

LGBTQ+ Sexual Violence Statistics 2024

Child Sexual Abuse Statistics in the U.S. 2024

It Was Never About Clothes: Student’s Haunting Photos Confront Assault Myths

FAQs

References

1. Key findings about online dating in the U.S. (2023, February 2). Pew Research Center.
https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/

2. Number of online dating service users worldwide, by segment (forecast). (2024). Statista.
https://www.statista.com/forecasts/891146/eservices-dating-services-online-user-by-segment-worldwide

3. Online dating: Statistics & facts. (2023). Statista.
https://www.statista.com/topics/2158/online-dating/#topicOverview

4. Online dating market outlook in Europe. (2024). Statista.
https://www.statista.com/outlook/emo/dating-services/online-dating/europe

5. Online dating market outlook in Asia. (2024). Statista.
https://www.statista.com/outlook/emo/dating-services/online-dating/asia

6. Online dating market in South America: Revenue and user statistics. (2024). Statista.
https://www.statista.com/outlook/emo/dating-services/online-dating/south-america

7. Castro, Á., & Barrada, J. R. (2020). Dating apps and their sociodemographic and psychosocial correlates: A systematic review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(18), 6500.
https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17186500

8. Anderson, M., Vogels, E. A., & Turner, E. (2020, February 6). The virtues and downsides of online dating. Pew Research Center.
https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/02/06/the-virtues-and-downsides-of-online-dating/

9. Federal Trade Commission. (2024, February). Love stinks when a scammer is involved [Blog post]. FTC Business Guidance Blog.
https://www.ftc.gov/business-guidance/blog/2024/02/love-stinks-when-scammer-involved

10. Dolan, E. W. (2024, January 15). Popularity over fairness: How online dating platforms prioritize users. PsyPost.
https://www.psypost.org/popularity-over-fairness-how-online-dating-platforms-prioritize-users/

11. Iqbal, M. (2025, February 3). Tinder revenue and usage statistics (2025). Business of Apps.
https://www.businessofapps.com/data/tinder-statistics/

12. Online dating market outlook worldwide. (2024). Statista.
https://www.statista.com/outlook/emo/dating-services/online-dating/worldwide

There’s something about fluorescent lighting and shared work enemies that hits different. During my 7+ years as a certified office girlie, I developed more crushes than in all of high school (blame it on the Keurig machine tension). 

After years of highly scientific research (read: overthinking every Slack reaction while pretending to update spreadsheets), I present to you: the definitive guide to decoding whether that workplace connection is actual attraction or just shared desperation to escape another awkward office pizza party.

1. Workplace gravity: suddenly he’s everywhere

At first, I thought the poor guy was just directionally challenged, but then I started noticing a pattern.

Somehow, our dear Tom from IT was everywhere I was. Need something printed? Tom’s there. Kitchen run? Tom’s refilling his water bottle. Standing desk area? Oh look, Tom suddenly needs to stretch his legs. Come on, nobody needs this many printer runs, especially someone who fixes computers for a living. 

But then my office bestie stepped in with a hot take — what if I’m the one orbiting him? Maybe I’m hyper-aware of his every move, clocking every printer trip, when in reality, he’s just a very hydrated guy with tight hamstrings.

Either way, if you find yourself overanalyzing every coincidental encounter, it might be time to ask: Is he orbiting you or are you the one caught in his gravitational pull? 

Turns out Tom’s best IT diagnostics wasn’t turning laptops off and on again . . . 

2. User data collection: he knows you

Tom was also a collector. Data collector.

The same guy who couldn’t remember which floor we were on somehow recalled my exact Thai order. Sir, your actual job is resetting passwords, but apparently, your true calling is being my personal biographer.

Was he just a shockingly perceptive man or had I become the unwitting subject of a one-man corporate surveillance initiative?

I was mid-investigation, piecing together the “evidence,” when my office bestie cut in: “Hey genius, you just spent 15 minutes analyzing Tom’s ‘suspicious behavior patterns . . .’” Which, if we’re keeping track, meant I was starting to sound a little too invested myself.

Either way, when a coworker starts compiling qualitative insights into your daily habits with more dedication than HR tracks PTO, it’s hard not to tell who’s doing the tracking — him or you?

Speaking of tracking patterns, there was also the sudden emergence of Tom’s alternative persona . . . 

3. Laughter optimization: he makes you laugh

He transformed into Jimmy Fallon every time I walked by.

Suddenly, every Slack notification became an attempt at witty banter, and every Zoom freeze turned into his personal comedy hour. At first, I thought he was just bored with IT life. But then I noticed the limited audience — Karen’s VPN issues got a dry “check your connection,” while my minor tech hiccups somehow warranted an array of debugging-themed memes.

My office bestie watched this unfold for weeks before dropping her analysis: “You do realize he keeps sending you these because you’re the only one who actually laughs at them, right?” I looked at his latest “404: Coffee Not Found” meme. 

Oh.

Laughter is one of our most honest reactions. We instinctively laugh more around people we’re drawn to, and we try harder to be funny for people we like. It’s a subconscious feedback loop of attraction that’s almost impossible to fake. 

Attraction doesn’t mean love, of course, but when he’s voluntarily taken on the additional role of your personal hype man? That’s . . . interesting.

4. Corporate wellness strategy: he’s your hype man

There’s office camaraderie and then there’s whatever this was. 

Every minor accomplishment of mine — big presentation, meeting that didn’t spiral into chaos, remembering to unmute myself on Zoom — was met with enthusiastic praise, an ultimate green flag. I wasn’t just succeeding. I apparently “absolutely killed that client call,” had “elite spreadsheet skills,” and was “a productivity icon.” 

Sir, this is a Tuesday.

At first I thought maybe he was just a naturally supportive coworker. But then I noticed that this wasn’t exactly a company-wide initiative. Karen successfully reversed an entire payroll error and all she got was a thumbs-up emoji. Meanwhile, I sent a well-formatted email and suddenly Tom was promoting me to a CEO. (Not really.)

“Okay, but you do realize you run to tell him about every tiny achievement, right?” my office bestie didn’t fail to notice. “No, I don’t!” I scoffed. Then I looked back at my Slack history — our Slack history.

When someone is voluntarily acting as your unpaid career coach, offering praise like it’s a retention strategy, you have to wonder: Is it genuine admiration . . . or just an elaborate employee retention plan (for one)?

But I wasn’t the only one who received an early performance review.

5. (Self-)Marketing rollout: he wants your appreciation

It seemed like Tom was practicing for his mid-year appraisal — and I was his training audience.

Every conversation somehow circled back to his new fitness goals, his unexpected culinary skills, or the hilariously crazy thing that happened to him while solo traveling. He had me so convinced of how fantastic he was, I was one step away from asking if his sweater was made from boyfriend material.

I was fully invested in the Tom Cinematic Universe when my office bestie, who had clearly been monitoring my audience engagement, finally cut in: “You do realize you hype him up like he’s delivering a TED Talk, right?”

I opened my mouth to protest — then froze. Because, sure, Tom was putting on a show . . . but I was handing him the microphone.

When someone’s in full self-marketing mode, their goal is simple: attention. But when you keep giving it to them, you have to wonder — are they trying to impress you specifically or are you buying what he’s selling?

Speaking of subtle sales tactics, there was one scenario where his confidence completely glitched.

6. Employee retention policy: he exhibits jealousy

It turns out, Tom’s confidence had its limits — and that limit was other male coworkers existing in my general vicinity.

One day, I had the audacity to message Stanley from IT instead of Tom to fix a very standard, absolutely non-flirty, completely work-related tech issue. And, oh, did that not go unnoticed. A few hours later, Tom swung by my desk, half-jokingly dropping, “Oh, I guess you’ve found a new IT guy.”

So there I was, explaining myself like I’d violated a non-compete clause. “I tried to contact you first, but you weren’t available!” My office bestie, who had been quietly monitoring the situation, arched an eyebrow. “Girl, you do not owe this man IT loyalty . . .”

Look, jealousy isn’t always the most flattering emotion — but in workplace crush economics, nothing says high-value interest like an unexpected spike in territorial behavior.

It wasn’t until one Wednesday afternoon that things finally became clear.

7. After-hours networking: he soft-launches asking you out

It started with a text message. Not on Slack, not on the company email — on my personal phone.

“Hey, are you going to the office pizza party on Thursday?” Not Hey, did you see that compliance email? or Hey, can you forward me the notes from today’s meeting? Nope. He was using off-the-clock communication for off-the-clock plans — and apparently, my attendance was now a matter of urgent personal interest.

I forwarded the message to my office bestie with a simple: “What do you say about that?” She replied almost immediately: “You were literally going to fake a dentist appointment to skip it, and now you’re considering going just because he is? Girl, open your eyes. You’re totally into him.“

I rolled my eyes and then, like a responsible, emotionally mature adult, I picked up my phone and texted back: “Okay, fine, maybe I do like him a little, but I swear if he doesn’t make a move at this stupid pizza party, I’m quitting corporate life and becoming a goat farmer.” Sent.

I exhaled. Then I froze. My soul left my body. My thumb slammed the screen, frantically trying to delete it, but before I could, three dots appeared.

That message did not go to my office bestie. It went. To. Tom.

What’s HR Got to Do With It?

“In that case, I should probably let you keep your corporate job,” came his reply. Well, that was one way to confirm this wasn’t just in my head. But before you start planning your own Jim-and-Pam story, here’s what to watch out for:

• Company policy: Check if your workplace has a “thou shalt not date” clause. Some companies are stricter than others about office relationships.
• Professional boundaries: Dating a coworker means seeing them everywhere — meetings, coffee runs, lunch breaks. Make sure you’re ready for that level of exposure.
• Office gossip: Your romance might become the hottest topic since that mysterious disappearance of Karen’s lunch from the break room fridge.
• Work-life balance: Try focusing on spreadsheets when your crush is giving an impressive presentation. It’s like trying to diet while working at a bakery.
• Legal considerations. If there’s a power imbalance, tread carefully. One wrong move and you might need to speed-dial a lawyer.

Workplace crushes come with risks — but as I stood there, watching Tom casually hand me a slice of pizza, I had to admit . . . I wasn’t exactly thinking about HR policies.

Your Next Steps

So, is it love or just a desperate attempt to romanticize corporate life? Before you start updating your relationship status to “LinkedIn Official,” here are a few tips:

• Check his audience. Are you getting special treatment or is he friendly with everyone? Pay attention to how he interacts with others versus you. 
• Log your reality. Document his behavior objectively. Are those “chance” encounters actually random? Count frequency against normal office patterns.
• Test your own interest. Would you still find him intriguing outside of the office bubble? Or is he just making your 9–5 less mundane?
• Map consequences. Picture worst-case scenarios. Daily awkward encounters? Career impact? Team dynamics?
• Set boundaries. Define your comfort zone before emotions cloud judgment. What workplace behavior crosses your line?

Remember: Good relationships are like successful mergers — they create value without compromising core operations.

Additional resources: 

• Dating Advice for Women: 17 Dating Tips to Help You Build Love That Lasts
• What Not to Do on a First Date: Essential Tips to Avoid Common Pitfalls
• Signs He’s Into You but Afraid to Admit It: A Guide to Unmasking His Heart
• How to Flirt With a Guy: Follow These 9 Easy Tips and He’ll Be Eating Out of Your Hand
• What Men Want When Dating: How Many of These 8 Traits Do You Have?

For more where that came from, check out all our guides to getting into a relationship.

FAQs

References

1. Maner, J. K., Gailliot, M. T., Rouby, D. A., & Miller, S. L. (2007). Can’t take my eyes off you: Attentional adhesion to mates and rivals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(3), 389–401.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.93.3.389

2. Nisbett, R. E., & Wilson, T. D. (1977). The halo effect: Evidence for unconscious alteration of judgments. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 35(4), 250–256.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.35.4.250

3. Society for Human Resource Management. (2023, February 7). New SHRM survey: Workplace romance 2023. SHRM.
https://www.shrm.org/about/press-room/new-shrm-survey-workplace-romance-2023

4. Forbes Advisor. (2023). Workplace romance statistics: What employers should know in 2023. Forbes.
https://www.forbes.com/advisor/business/workplace-romance-statistics

Sure, maybe he’s the best person you’ve ever met and you’re twin flames destined by the universe. But it could be something else entirely. What if this intense attraction isn’t about him at all, but instead reveals a pattern that’s been quietly shaping your love life for years? 

How Did I End Up Here?

It all started during one of my work trips to Spain. I’d just settled into a coworking space in a sleepy coastal town, ready to sip on overpriced café con leches while tackling my to-do list. That’s when I met Gianluca.

He was charming, I’ll give him that. Italians tend to have that effect. But when he casually mentioned his wife, I mentally filed him under “off-limits.” 

For the first few days, we exchanged nothing more than polite nods and distant smiles. But then, things began to shift. Maybe it was the day we ended up sharing a desk because the place was packed, but little by little, I started to notice how thoughtful and quick-witted he was, and how he had this way of making me feel like I was the only person in the room.

Soon, I found myself looking forward to our chats in the break area and catching myself replaying our conversations in my mind at night. Stop, I’d think. He’s married. And yet, my heart wasn’t listening.

But this isn’t a heartbreak story — it’s one of healing.

Love vs. Infatuation

Could I really be in love after just a few weeks of stolen moments? Logic says no, but if you’re in this situation, you know it’s not that simple.

With Gianluca, everything felt amplified. It was like a magnet I couldn’t resist. Every interaction felt electric like we were the only people in the room. 

It felt like I’d known him forever, like it had to be love — but it wasn’t. How did I figure it out?

• Pause & reflect. Write down the qualities you’re drawn to in him. Are they specific, or are they vague and unexplainable? Reflect on how he makes you feel instead of what you feel for him. If you’re a ball of anxiety because of him, this may be a sign of unhealthy attachment. 
• Thrill vs. reality. Ask yourself, Would I feel the same if he were single and available? Sometimes, it’s the challenge and the unknown that draws us in, not the person. Read 7 Science-Based Reasons You Crush on People You Barely Know to explore this phenomenon.
• See the future. Picture your life five years down the road — groceries, bills, kids’ improv classes. Which of his qualities will withstand the weight of everyday life?

Maybe it’s love, maybe it’s infatuation, but the real question is: Why didn’t my heart stop racing the moment he mentioned his wife? The answer lies in the relationship patterns I’ve been conditioned to repeat.

Why do we chase what we can’t have?

The cruelest trick of evolution is that our brains are hardwired to crave the unavailable.

42% of people have found themselves emotionally invested in someone unavailable — a statistic both validating and unsettling.^[3] But what drives us to pursue connections we know are destined for heartache?

With Gianluca, the less available he was, the more I idealized our connection. Each time I promised myself to stop thinking about him, the fantasy grew stronger. The allure wasn’t just in who he was — it was in the challenge, the what-ifs, and the story I was crafting in my mind. 

If this hits close to home, you might find comfort (or clarity) in these two pieces that dig into the psychology behind these patterns: How to Deal With Rejection and Why Do I Keep Thinking About Someone?

With Gianluca, the thrill of the chase felt like a story worth living — until it didn’t. 

Emotional Consequences

The guilt, the secrecy, the ache of wanting someone you can’t fully have — are these emotions helping or hurting you?

With Gianluca, every stolen glance and every too-long conversation felt intoxicating, but beneath that thrill was a simmering anxiety. Longing, pain, and sacrifice aren’t proof of deep love — they’re signals of insecure love. And if this state lingers, it doesn’t just steal your present joy; it starts writing the script for how you show up in every relationship that follows.

The slow loss of hope
Over time, the repeated rejection and unmet longing erode your ability to dream of something better. You start to believe breadcrumbs are all you deserve.

Erosion of self-worth
Constantly coming second — if that — silently destroys your confidence. You begin to believe you’re not enough, internalizing rejection until settling for less feels inevitable and self-doubt becomes your default state.

Addiction to the cycle
By choosing unavailable partners, I learned to believe chaos and intensity were normal, which left me unprepared for healthy relationships — ones without the same emotional highs. Even now, I struggle with feeling like my stable, safe relationship is wrong — but more on that later.

Personal guilt
If the line is crossed, the weight of guilt can become unbearable. You question your morals, your choices, and whether you’ve betrayed yourself in the process.

Emotional isolation
With Gianluca, I found myself avoiding friends who might call me out or ask hard questions. Over time, I withdrew more and more, creating a loneliness so deep it felt impossible to reach out, even when I needed support the most.

Unavailable for real connection
Longing for him, someone I knew could never fully be mine, left me completely stuck. I couldn’t bring myself to notice or appreciate anyone else who might have truly valued me because all my energy was tied up in the fantasy of what we could never have.

This isn’t about shaming yourself for how you feel — it’s about recognizing how these emotional dynamics might echo into the future. Because stories like this aren’t just moments; they’re wounds waiting to be healed. 

• Write your love story. My therapist suggested writing down everything about Gianluca — every dream, every wish, every moment. At first, it felt romantic, but soon I ran out of material. I didn’t know him well enough, and the reality of his wife’s presence made it clear there was no story to build. More ideas in this article: Journaling for Healing.
• Explore the roots of attraction. Therapy can help uncover why you might be drawn to unavailable partners. Is it linked to an absent parent or a caregiver whose love felt conditional? 
• Go no contact. Unfollow, delete messages and avoid contact. It’s not about punishment — it’s about creating space to heal and make room for healthier connections.

Beyond the emotional toll, there’s the question of integrity — both yours and his — and how choices can ripple into the lives of everyone involved.

Ethical and Moral Considerations

In pursuing or encouraging a romantic connection with a married man, there’s the potential for something deeply damaging — not just to his partner, but to yourself. At the heart of this dilemma is trust. 

I was shocked, surprised, and deeply unsettled by how readily I was willing to risk my “integrity” for this connection. It felt like I couldn’t fully trust my own boundaries or decisions. 

And that got me asking the following questions:

• How will I explain this to the people who matter to me?
  If someone I love — my family, my best friend, or even my grandma — asked me about this relationship, how would I justify it?
• What would I say to his children?
  If his kids found out about this, what could I possibly say to explain my role in disrupting their family?
• How would I feel if the roles were reversed?
  If I were in his partner’s position, how would I feel knowing someone was encouraging this connection?
• Am I okay with being judged by others?
  Can I handle the possibility of friends, family, or colleagues finding out and forming opinions about my choices?
• Am I respecting his partner’s humanity?
  How would I feel if my actions caused pain to someone who trusted him, even if I don’t know her personally?
• Am I honoring my own values?
  Does this decision align with the principles I hold dear, or am I compromising what I stand for?
• What am I teaching others through my actions?
  If someone were looking to me for guidance — whether it’s a sibling, a friend, or a younger family member — what example am I setting?
• How would I feel if this became public?
  If this relationship were exposed, could I hold my head high knowing the impact it might have on everyone involved?
• What is the ripple effect of this choice?
  Beyond him and me, who else might be affected by this decision — his partner, his family, or even my own loved ones?
• Is this how I want to define myself?
  At the end of the day, am I okay with being part of a story built on secrecy, hurt, and dishonesty?

Answering these questions made one thing clear: This wasn’t just about the connection I shared with Gianluca — it was about me, my values, and the choices I was making. To move forward, I had to take a hard look at myself.

Your Next Steps

I shared a beautiful emotional connection with Gianluca, but nothing more happened. He cut ties as soon as he returned to Italy, and I respect that. Still, I couldn’t shake the thought of what might have happened if he had stayed longer.

These days, I look back on that experience with sentiment and gratitude. It was painful while it was happening, but it exposed the unconscious patterns that had been holding me back. That clarity pushed me to do the hard work of understanding myself and my choices, and because of it, I became a better woman — more ready to accept the healthy love I now know I deserve.

Emotional recovery and moving on

• Journal daily about your emotions. Acknowledge the pain but also the lessons learned. Write out how he made you feel and how that might relate to past relationships.

Read: Journaling for Healing

• Schedule a therapy session. If you’re finding it difficult to move on, a professional can help you understand why you’re drawn to unavailable partners and offer specific strategies for breaking this cycle.
• Create an emotional detox. Unfollow him on social media and delete old messages. It’s not about punishing yourself; it’s about creating emotional space to move forward.

Read: Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On With Your Life

Building clarity and taking action

• Learn your lessons. Spend time reflecting on why you might have been drawn to a married man. Is it the first time you’re pursuing an unavailable man? Make a list of qualities that attracted you to him and compare them with past relationships. Look for recurring themes — do you tend to get attached to people you know you have no future with?

Read: Do I Really Like Him? Decode Your Feelings and Find Clarity

• Set up red flag filters. Make a list of what you’ll never tolerate again in a partner (e.g., emotional unavailability, dishonesty). Commit to only dating people who meet your emotional needs and respect your boundaries.

Read: 16 Qualities of a Good Man for a Lasting Relationship and 11 Serious Red Flags in a Relationship and How to Deal With Them

• Create boundaries: Take specific actions to create emotional space. For example, if he reaches out, set a clear boundary: “I need space to heal and move forward. I can’t continue conversations with you.” 

Read: Boundaries in a Relationship: Learn What They Are and How to Set Them

Constructive decision-making

• Check your values. Assess whether your past choices align with your core values. Create a list of values (e.g., trust, honesty, respect) and evaluate past relationships against them. Commit to only pursuing relationships that align with these values.

Read: Shared Values in a Relationship: Core Beliefs for Couples

• Refuse to settle. If you’re tempted to settle for someone who doesn’t offer the commitment or respect you deserve, remind yourself of your worth. Start by creating a “deal-breaker” list. No one gets past these boundaries.
• Embrace the ripple effect. Think of the impact your decisions will have not only on yourself but on your family, friends, and future partners. What kind of example do you want to set for those around you?

Considering getting involved with a married man, or any man, or any person? Our guides to starting a relationship can help you get off on the right foot.

FAQs

References

1. Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2000). The neural basis of romantic love. NeuroReport, 11(17), 3829–3834. https://doi.org/10.1097/00001756-200011270-00046

2. Aron, A., Fisher, H., Mashek, D. J., Strong, G., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94(1), 327–337. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00838.2004

3. Match.com. (2011). Singles in America: 2011 Survey Results. [Online survey].
https://www.singlesinamerica.com

4. Lerner, H. G. (1989). The dance of intimacy: A woman’s guide to courageous acts of change in key relationships. Harper & Row.

You have a huge advantage when it comes to flirting. It’s not your long legs, luscious hair, or sultry voice (although those are definitely advantages). 

It’s that men are simple. So the formula for getting our attention is simple too.

Key Takeaways 

• Flirting is best done playfully. Use banter, humor, and compliments to convey interest playfully. 
• Avoid revealing too much about yourself. Instead, ask him about himself, listen attentively, and ask follow-up questions. 
• When in doubt, use your body. Smiling, touching, and biting your lip are all examples of how you can use body language to your benefit.

1. Perfect your playful banter skills.

The secret to making yourself more attractive has nothing to do with your appearance. Mastering it will put you ahead of the competition. 

I’m talking about playful banter. One of the more subtle ways to flirt with a guy is through lighthearted teasing. Banter creates a fun exchange that takes your dull and boring conversations and makes them engaging and playful. 

To banter like a pro, playfully challenge his opinion. When done right, this can be really effective at supercharging the mutual attraction. 

• “Do you honestly believe that? That’s so 2015!”
• “It seems like we need to work on your taste.” 
• “You can have that opinion for now, but it’s on borrowed time.”
• “Don’t stress, I’m still going to like you . . . especially after I prove you wrong.”

However, there are a few caveats to proper banter. Forgetting to keep these things in mind can cause the conversation to go sideways. 

• Smile. Ensure you have a smile on your face while spouting these smart-aleck remarks. Otherwise, you’ll come off as condescending.
  
• Don’t overdo it. This is no default mode. It should be used sparingly to avoid coming off as confrontational. 
  
• Keep it casual. Avoid challenging his opinion on touchy subjects he may genuinely care about. For example, politics and religion are usually no-fly zones. Pineapple on pizza? Cleared for takeoff.

2. Create playful mystery.

Guys don’t need to know everything about you. 

As we learned from those regrettable Facebook status updates from 2009, no one needs to know everything about you. In fact, the less he knows about you, the better — at least, initially. 

A common flirting mistake many people make is verbal vomiting their whole life stories onto their target. Where they grew up, what their childhood was like, all their previous relationships, blah, blah, blah. None of that is even remotely important when it comes to flirting. 

Here’s how to ooze mystery from every pore: 

• Answer a question with a question. If he asks you where you grew up, say, “Why? Do you want to visit my childhood bedroom?”
  
• Get moving. If your interaction is growing too prolix, suggest dancing or perhaps a game instead. Can’t talk about yourself while you’re doing the Shuffle.
  
• Leave. Nothing spells mystery like an Irish exit. But make sure you finagle a way to see him again, like through a mutual friend or by writing your phone number on a napkin before you go. This will make him miss you like crazy.

3. Laugh at his jokes. 

Not every guy is going to be John Mulaney. But you may want to indulge his humor anyway. A bland face from his bathroom talk (while justifiable) will make him think you’re not into him or that you don’t have a good sense of humor. Either way, not a good look when shooting for a flirty conversation.

Instead, laugh at his jokes. Giggle at his wisecracks when he unveils his inner jester, and he’ll be all over you like white on rice. 

To convey your excellent sense of humor, hit him with a few jokes of your own by reading these articles: 

• 61 Flirty Questions to Ask a Guy to Make Him Laugh
• 156 Pickup Lines to Flirt (& Laugh) Your Way Into His Heart

4. Compliment him.

When you’re flirting and nothing is landing, there’s one trick that will work every time. 

Men love to hear about themselves. I don’t mean in a self-centered way, just an it’s-nice-to-get-attention way. An honest and candid admission about how amazing you think he is affirms him, his style, and his confidence.

This tactic is simple to accomplish:

• Think he fills out that new shirt well? “The way that shirt fits you makes it look expensive.” 
• Digging the way his haircut and beard complement one another? “I didn’t think I liked men with beards, but I’m starting to change my mind.” 
• For more tips on what men like, read our article about how a woman should treat a man. (It’s not as “tradwife” as it sounds.)

5. Ask personal questions.

There’s a simple tactic you can use to easily and quickly get him to reveal pretty much anything you want to know, which gives you fuel for the flirting fire. 

All you have to do is ask. That’s right! Excited conversations quickly die out, sensual energy fizzles away, and flirty banter falls flat without great questions that connect conversation threads. 

For clever and fun questions, check out these articles:

• 180 “Favorite Things” Questions to Really Get to Know Him
• 100 Fun Questions to Get to Know Him Better
• 61 Flirty Questions to Ask a Guy to Make Him Laugh
• 111 Never Have I Ever Questions: Spicy Edition

6. Be a good listener.

There’s one simple trick you can use not just to flirt, but to make yourself appealing to everyone — even if you’re not naturally funny, witty, or flirtatious. 

If you can never think of the right things to say or the right flirty text to send, practice your active-listening skills instead. Being a good listener will do way more for you than trying to come up with sly comments or humorous jabs. 

Here’s how to be a good listener: 

• Ask follow-up questions.
• Make your questions open-ended instead of yes-or-no.
• Repeat details he’s mentioned to prove you’re listening. 

7. Use body language to your advantage.

Newsflash: The vast majority of what you communicate has nothing to do with the words you say. 

In fact, if you’re missing this valuable piece of insight, you could be communicating the wrong things to the right people all the time. 

A whopping 93% of your body language is nonverbal.^[5] The right body language can convey a flirty message far more powerful than words. Your facial expressions, tone of voice, body movements, and hand gestures are all saying things on your behalf.

Here are a few ways you can flirt with body language:

• Bite your lip. Calling attention to your mouth is flirtation 101.
• Maintain eye contact. This sounds really simple and obvious, but it’s extremely effective.
• Mirror his body language. According to body language experts, mirroring signals attraction.^[6] When he crosses his legs, you cross yours. When he smiles, you smile. When he touches his face, you touch yours. You get the picture.

Once you master flirtatious body language, you’ll not only command his attention but you’ll naturally become more confident and attractive as well. Confidence what you need to propel you to the next level of flirting.

8. Brush against him casually.

There’s an easy way you can quickly grab his attention without risking anything. 

Break the physical barrier. The vibe can easily go from electric and exciting to boring and bland if you don’t add some playful touching to the mix. Touching electrifies the interaction, and the best part is that it’s easy to do. 

Here’s how you can make that first move:

• Bumps and nudges. Gently bump or nudge into him if you’re walking side by side or even just standing or sitting next to each other.
• Light taps. Lightly tap his arm or shoulder if you’re sitting next to him to emphasize a point you’re making.
• Footsies. Start a subtle game of footsie if you’re sitting across from him. Whoops! Have fun with it and see where it takes you.

These casual flirting indicators are a playful way to get close without being too overt. It also creates a fun back-and-forth that amplifies the suspense and tension. And there’s one thing you can add that’s a surefire way to reach him.

9. Use his name often.

You may not realize it, but you have a push-button solution to turning this guy into putty in your hands.

You’re having an electric conversation with this guy, but you’re worried about keeping his attention. After all, even the most engaging conversations can fizzle out faster than a New Year’s resolution. Luckily, you have a secret weapon in your dating arsenal: Use his name. 

Everybody’s favorite word is their own name. It’s the name they hear the most, have the strongest connection to, and feel the most affinity toward. So, it makes sense that his name is probably one of the sweetest things he’ll hear from your lips. So, use it. 

Dropping his name throughout the conversation in a natural way creates a sense of intimacy and signals that he has your attention. 

• Throw it at the end of a question when you ask it.
• Place it at the beginning of a sentence before you say it. 
• Use it in the middle of a story while you tell it. 

Of course, like everything else on this list, use common sense when implementing this. Don’t parrot his name every second sentence. That’s just awkward. Awkward can be charming and appealing in some cases, but don’t overdo it. Use your own discretion and gauge his reaction to determine the appropriate use.

Your Next Steps

Flirting with a guy is really a matter of being confident and bringing good vibes. When you have those boxes checked, everything else takes care of itself. So, get out there, have fun, and enjoy the process. 

For more clever advice about dating, read our guides to getting into a relationship.

FAQs

References 

1. Crystal Jiang, L., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556–577.
https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12029

2. Hone, L. S. E., Hurwitz, W., & Lieberman, D. (2015). Sex differences in preferences for humor: A replication, modification, and extension. Evolutionary Psychology, 13(1), 167-181. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491501300110

3. Such, J. M., Espinosa, A., García-Fornes, A., & Sierra, C. (2012). Self-disclosure decision making based on intimacy and privacy. Information Sciences, 211, 93–111.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ins.2012.05.003

4. Mehrabian, A., & Ferris, S. R. (1967). Inference of attitudes from nonverbal communication in two channels. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 31(3), 248–252.
https://doi.org/10.1037/h0024648

5. Izuma, K., Saito, D., Sadato, N. (2008). Processing of social and monetary rewards in the human striatum. Neuron. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuron.2008.03.020

6. Chartrand, T.L., Bargh, J.A. (1999). The chameleon effect: the perception-behavior link and social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(6), 893–910.
https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.76.6.893

7. Schulz, J. (2017). Using a person’s name in conversation. Michigan State University.
https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/using_a_persons_name_in_conversation

8. Psychology of calling someone by their name. (n.d.) The Valens Clinic.
https://thevalensclinic.ae/update/psychology-of-calling-someone-by-their-name

Before blaming your dating struggles on Mercury in retrograde, let’s explore the 8 traits men truly want in a woman — the ones that actually make them commit — and see if trading tarot readings for a few tweaks in how you show up in your relationship can create real, lasting magic.

Key Takeaways

• Men want respect, appreciation, kindness, and open communication.
• Emotional connection, support, and shared experiences are crucial for a fulfilling bond.
• Men appreciate women who are independent and have rewarding lives outside of the relationship.

1. Emotional connection and intimacy

Still buying into that tired propaganda about men being emotional deserts? I’ve got some groundbreaking news for you.

Men, just like women, are wired for connection. When we allow space for genuine emotion, relationships deepen, mental health improves, and real intimacy thrives. It’s not rocket science — it’s relationship science.

Here’s my no-nonsense piece of advice for cultivating emotional safety for men:

• Create a judgment-free zone. During side-by-side activities (driving, walking, cooking), create space for feelings without intense eye contact. Next time you’re chopping veggies together, casually share something real, then give him space to reciprocate (but no pressure).
• Became his vault. When he does open up, treat his feelings with respect (no replaying his vulnerable moments in future arguments or sharing them with friends!). If he shares a work insecurity, respond with “Thank you for trusting me with that” and simply hold space rather than jumping to advice-giving or comparison mode. Works like a charm.

2. Trust and loyalty

Simon Sinek, the inspirational speaker, discovered something interesting during his time with the Navy SEALs (arguably the toughest of all men): Trustworthiness outweighs all other qualities. 

This reference might seem pretty intense, but the point is universal: The ultimate goal in a relationship is to have someone you can trust with your money, your heart, and your life. 

Here is my trust and loyalty muscle drill:

• Keep your promises. Every promise kept is a deposit in your trust bank. When my guy admitted he was anxious about surgery, I promised to take the day off to stay with him. Even when a crucial work meeting came up, I found a way to stick to my word. 

3. Respect and admiration

Notice your guy pulling away? Forget what your friends are saying about “commitment phobia” — the real reason might have more to do with you than you’d like to admit. 

When was the last time you dialed up your respect and made him feel truly valued?

When a man feels disrespected, it’s like watching a star collapse in slow motion. First, his enthusiasm dims. Then his natural warmth cools. Finally, the magnetic personality you fell for implodes into an emotional black hole.

Here’s the mission-critical intel to prevent this collapse:

• DON’T make fun of his hobbies — even his lightsaber collection.
• DON’T mock his feelings — including his disdain for the prequels.
• DON’T scoff when he’s taking forever to find the airport exit. 
• DO respect his boundaries — even in casual dating, both parties’ rights and responsibilities should be respected.
• DO confide in him — this shows him you respect his perspective.
• DO ask him for help — nothing makes a man feel more valued than knowing you trust his capabilities.

4. Companionship

Here’s one common reason people date — and no, it’s not, as Phoebe Buffay claims, to split the cost of stamps. The real reason? 

Companionship. 

Meaningful relationships are key to emotional well-being for both men and women, but for men, companionship can also be a way to express vulnerability in a world that often discourages it.

So, how do you create that sense of connection?

• Play the tell-me-more game. Take turns asking open-ended questions about each other’s passions, dreams, or childhood memories. It will help him open up, and learn more about you too. 
• Teamwork it out. Suggest doing something simple but meaningful, like building a bird feeder together. Small, planned activities show you care about spending intentional time with him and create a spirit of camaraderie. 

5. Support and space to grow

When was the last time someone trying to “fix” you made you feel genuinely empowered? Exactly. So, what if trying to fix him is actually holding both of you back?

Just like a plant needs both sunlight AND space to grow, men need support that doesn’t suffocate their personal growth journey. When we constantly try to fix them, we’re essentially saying, “I don’t trust your ability to handle this.” Ouch.

So, put down your Allen key and pick up the pompoms instead.

• Create a weekly wins ritual. Every Friday, call out three specific things he crushed that week. Not just “Good job!” but “The way you stayed calm during that client crisis showed real leadership.”
• Master the support pause. Before offering advice, take a deep breath and ask, “Would you like my perspective on this?” Then actually wait for his answer. And if he says “no,” it means “no.” This simple pause shows respect for his process instead of the usual fixing. 

6. Physical affection and intimacy

Whoever taught you your intimacy ABCs may have missed one important detail: your man’s physical needs have far less to do with bedroom satisfaction and everything to do with attachment.

Without regular doses of genuine physical connection, he’s walking around like a tense bodyguard on duty. Physical touch is a primal need to feel safe, seen, and emotionally anchored in a world that rarely lets him drop his guard. Your touch is actually his nervous system’s reset button.

Here are your power moves: 

• The hug attack. Before he armors up for the day, ambush him with an eight-second full-body hug. Warning: Side effects may include melted tension, spontaneous smiles, and a surprisingly chatty breakfast companion.
• The drive-by love attack. Sprinkle random acts of touch throughout your day. A quick shoulder massage while he’s doing dishes, playing with his hair during movie night, or the classic “casually brush past him in the kitchen but make it count” move.

7. Open and honest communication

“Communication” has become such a relationship buzzword lately — but do you know what it means in practice?

When a man feels like he’s getting mixed signals or half-truths, his guard goes up. He either becomes hypervigilant or, far more likely, emotionally checks out to protect himself. Because unclear communication doesn’t create intrigue — it creates distance.

To start (or continue) communicating openly and honestly: 

• Quit the guessing game. Drop the “if he really understands me, he’ll know what I’m thinking” mindset. If he offends you or otherwise hurts your feelings, speak up. He can’t fix a mistake he doesn’t know he made.
• Brave the DTR conversation: If you want to know where things are headed, say, “I’m enjoying getting to know you and I’m curious about what you’re looking for.” Direct doesn’t mean desperate — it means confident.

The right guy won’t be scared away by your honesty — he’ll be relieved by it.

8. Emotional maturity and conflict-resolution skills

Everyone preaches emotional maturity until the first argument hits. Let’s paint a familiar scene: The tension’s rising, voices are getting edgy, and suddenly you’re faced with a choice: Who do you turn into? Are you . . .

a) a toddler in a candy shop who’s just been told “no,”
b) a Hollywood diva making a dramatic exit, or
c) an actual adult who can sit down and talk through issues?

Those reactions show him exactly how you’ll handle bigger challenges down the road. When a man encounters emotional roller coasters instead of mature responses, he starts questioning whether he can build a future with you. 

Here’s how to improve your emotional maturity: 

• The pause & process protocol. When tension rises, take a literal step back and say, “I need a moment to think before I respond.” Then actually take it.
• The clean fight formula. Address the issue at hand only — not his mother’s comment from last Christmas or his untidy tendencies. Stay in the present problem, use “I feel” statements, and focus on solutions. “When this happens, I feel X. Can we figure out how to handle this differently?”

What Are the Biggest Turnoffs for Men in a Relationship?

Lack of trust and honesty are huge turnoffs. 

• Skip the selective storytelling. Half-truths have a way of becoming whole problems.
• When he asks a direct question, give a direct answer.
  

Constant negativity makes him wonder if anything will ever be good enough.

• Catch him doing things right. Men aren’t mind readers, but they are recognition seekers.
• Before launching into complaint mode, ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week?”
  

Playing detective with his phone and socials screams insecurity.

• Treat him with trust, not tests — you’re his partner, not his examiner. 
• Tackle your trust issues head-on instead of projecting them onto him.
  

Constant disrespect and belittling comments kill his ability to be vulnerable.

• Keep the eye rolls for TikTok, not his passions.
• Save the sarcasm for jokes, not his dreams.
  

Suffocating him won’t make him closer — it’ll make him run.

• Keep your own life spicy — nobody wants to be someone’s entire world.
• Let him miss you sometimes — absence makes the heart grow fonder isn’t just a cute saying.
• Prevent the relationship growing stale or boring by exploring the world outside of your partner. 

Mixed signals and communication games push him to check out.

• Drop the hints — if you want something, use your words.
• Skip the silent treatment — you’re not in high school anymore.

No man (or any person for that matter!) wants a partner who avoids difficult conversations, resorts to passive-aggressive behavior, or plays guessing games.

Your Next Steps

Strong relationships thrive on trust, respect, and emotional connection — so focus on real talk instead of small talk, shared experiences instead of shared posts, and actual support instead of surface-level cheerleading. 

When you embrace these qualities, you build something real — a partnership where you both feel valued, understood, and ready to tackle life’s messy, beautiful adventure together.

If you’re determined that this is your year to find that special someone, explore more resources for getting into a relationship.

FAQ

References

1. Villamizar, G. (2022, November 17). Simon Sinek—Trust vs performance (must watch!) [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTo9e3ILmms 

2. Cacioppo, J. T., Hughes, M. E., Waite, L. J., Hawkley, L. C., & Thisted, R. A. (2006). Loneliness as a specific risk factor for depressive symptoms: cross-sectional and longitudinal analyses. Psychology and Aging, 21(1), 140–151.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0882-7974.21.1.140

3. Light, K. C., Grewen, K. M., & Amico, J. A. (2005). More frequent partner hugs and higher oxytocin levels are linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate in premenopausal women. Biological Psychology, 69(1), 5–21.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2004.11.002

Let’s get one thing clear — you can’t make anyone miss you. 

Trying to control someone’s feelings is some Cersei Lannister energy, and we’re aiming for a genuine connection here. Here are 9 ways to make him miss you like crazy — no manipulation, just setting the sails for a magnetic, lasting bond.

But first . . . does absence make a man miss you?

The answer is both yes and no. 

As the French moralist François de la Rochefoucauld puts it, “Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”^[2]

So, if he’s just playing you’ll know soon enough, because no amount of absence can turn a candle into a bonfire. But if he’s genuinely into you, that’s a whole different story. 

I’ll never forget the time my boo had to go on a two-week work trip for the first time. At first, I thought, “Finally, some solo time.” But by day three, I was all but hugging his hoodie just to feel closer. Turns out it wasn’t just me — science has a thing or two to say about this.

A study published in EPJ Data Science found that when we stop interacting with those we care about, the quality of those relationships tends to fade. So, to keep connections strong, many social species instinctively put in extra effort to maintain them, especially when they’re not around each other often.^[1]

So, embrace a little distance, and let him feel the weight of your absence. If the connection fizzles? Well, tell the boy bye. But if there’s real mutual attraction underneath? Well then — come on, baby, light my fire.

1. Use absence strategically. 

A bit of mystery adds a layer of excitement and anticipation to your connection. 

Taking a “me day” here and there allows both of you some space, giving his feelings room to grow naturally — before he knows it, he’ll be missing you like you’re The Winds of Winter.

But using absence strategically doesn’t mean ghosting or playing mind games. You don’t want him questioning whether you’re still interested, waiting around because of some outdated three-day rule, or wondering why it’s suddenly radio silence. That’s not being mysterious — that’s just being rude.

Keep your “disappearances” light and natural. It’s about savoring time apart, not staging a vanishing act that leaves him wondering what he did wrong.

Make plans for the next meetup. End your time together with something to look forward to — a specific plan instead of vague ideas. This keeps him excited about your next date without any guesswork.

Stay engaged but brief. Drop thoughtful texts now and then. A fun meme, a quick “thinking of you” text to make him miss you; just enough to show you’re still there, without being overbearing. And when he texts you that he misses you, be mindful and thoughtful with your replies. 

Use the time for yourself. Instead of waiting around for him to reach out, focus on your own passions and friends. There’s nothing more attractive than a woman who’s fully engaged in her own life.

But don’t overdo it or else you risk putting out the flame you’ve built. Instead, let your brief disappearances be as refreshing as a cool breeze and as rare as a blue moon.

2. Be mysterious.

While being open about your core values and feelings is key, adding a bit of mystery can keep things exciting. Give him something to look forward to with subtle hints about upcoming plans or surprises — just enough to keep his curiosity piqued.

Pretty early on, when we were still dating, I messaged my partner in a cute good night text: “I’ve got something planned for tomorrow.” Turns out, he loves surprises. 

The whole day, he was buzzing with guesses, texting hints he thought might crack the code. By the time we headed out, the anticipation had turned our date into a little adventure. (I bet you want to know what it was, don’t you? My point exactly.)

Just remember, the goal is to be intriguing, not overly secretive. Creating a sense of anticipation makes the time you spend together feel special and memorable, turning even simple plans into something to look forward to.

3. Make him addicted to your presence.

Keep him addicted to your presence by showing up as your most magnetic self. There’s nothing quite as alluring as radiating positive, joyful energy — the kind that makes him feel truly alive in your presence. 

And when that connection reaches its peak, master the art of the graceful exit, leaving him craving more of your presence. Like Cinderella, who enchanted Prince Charming and then left at the height of his excitement — that’s the energy you want to embody.

When you radiate genuine confidence and warmth, you become irresistible. As relationship experts note, confidence creates a sense of safety and stability, making him feel secure in your presence.

This isn’t about putting on a show — it’s about embodying that authentic joy that makes people feel truly alive around you. If you’re into mysticism, or simply believe in the power of good energy, you’ll know how contagious a positive aura can be.

As relationship expert Esther Perel says, “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.”^[3] Give him just enough to keep him curious and let the magic of your presence linger long after you’ve said goodbye.

One surefire way to make him miss you like crazy is to show up as your confident, positive self and then flit away just when it’s starting to get interesting.

4. Use distance to your advantage. 

Distance is a powerful tool in your attraction tool kit — and no, I’m not talking about ghosting, playing hard to get, or being emotionally unavailable. I’m talking about making those moments apart feel electric with anticipation. 

Whether you’re navigating a long-distance relationship or a brief separation, sprinkle your connection by expressing your affection in a way that speaks to him. 

Be it a thoughtful little surprise that keeps you on his mind (flower delivery, why not?), or a spontaneous “just thinking about you” message that makes him smile in the middle of his workday. Share a cute selfie that gives him a glimpse into your world, or drop a playful hint about what you’re planning for your next date. 

These thoughtful reminders of your presence create a delicious sense of anticipation that makes him count the minutes until he sees you again.

5. Show off your self-determination.

The core of any solid connection begins with your own growth and independence. That’s what makes you magnetic. Instead of letting your life revolve around him, dive into what excites you — whether it’s RPG video games, motivational reads, painting watercolor birds, or dancing around a fire.

Challenge yourself, learn new things, and embrace your passions. If quantum physics is calling your name, go for it! The sky’s the limit.

Take a page from Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. Sure, she went to Harvard chasing her ex, but she found something better along the way: her own strength. 

By focusing on her personal growth, Elle became her own hero, outgrowing her need for anyone else’s validation. By the time her ex wanted her back (of course, he did), she had already moved on from their breakup.

So, stand tall, own who you are, be the captain of your ship, and create happiness that’s all yours. Independence breeds confidence and confidence is irresistible.

6. Create shared experiences that keep him wanting more.

One of the best ways to build a sense of longing is by crafting positive shared experiences. 

The time when I truly fell for my partner was actually a not-so-positive experience (seemingly). We were in Bali, just cruising around on a rented motorbike, aiming for a killer sunset spot. 

Halfway there, the bike sputtered to a stop in the middle of a rice paddy. We didn’t make it to the sunset, but we ended up building a strong bond through this difficult experience. 

I’m not saying you should book a flight to Bali and stage a motorbike breakdown — that’s a bit too Machiavellian. But creating shared experiences, even with a bit of unexpected difficulty, is a fantastic way to bond.

Studies from UC Berkeley show that shared experiences boost oxytocin, a.k.a. the “love hormone,” which strengthens bonding and trust. Research published in Hormones and Behavior found that doing enjoyable activities together raises oxytocin levels, sparking trust, empathy, and connection.^[4]

Every fun, shared moment isn’t just a memory — it’s a little boost to your mutual chemistry. And where there’s chemistry, well, longing follows.

7. Let fewer moments together mean more.

The point is to make the most of your time together, not spend most of your time together. 

A study from the Journal of Communication found that long-distance couples often have more meaningful interactions than those who see each other daily. Because they have to put more effort into communication, these couples tend to share more deeply and feel closer emotionally.^[5]

You don’t have to move across the globe just to enhance the quality of your interactions (a long-distance relationship comes with its own set of disadvantages), what I am getting at is making sure that your interactions are meaningful, memorable, and intentional. 

Try asking him something thoughtful, or spark engaging conversations by introducing genuinely interesting topics like childhood experiences or geopolitical views.

There’s a difference between bingeing the next new series on Netflix just because it’s out and looking deep into each other’s eyes and discussing the happiest childhood memories.

8. Charm him with authenticity.

Open, authentic communication is the key to any healthy connection and, of course, another component that will keep your guy thinking about you even when you’re not around. Why do you think Ursula took Ariel’s voice in The Little Mermaid? 

Having a voice isn’t just about speaking; it’s about expressing your true self. Ursula knew that robbing Ariel of her voice meant stealing her power to express her authentic self.

When you start geeking out about something you are very passionate about, he sees how unique and unforgettable you are. 

For example, when you talk about how Jurassic Park perfectly illustrates the man vs. nature struggle in which nature will inevitably win because not only is the human part of nature, but life finds a way . . . 

You being unapologetically you, with your views, feelings, and those little brain farts like why is fridge spelled with a d and refrigerator without (can anyone explain that to me!?). It is what builds an emotional bridge that keeps him connected to you, even from a distance. 

So, say the weird thing because your vibe attracts your tribe.

9. Keep him hooked on your appreciation.

If you show him you like him through genuine compliments and appreciation, he’ll miss you even more — because, as research reveals, we’re naturally drawn to people who show they like us. This creates a positive loop that boosts self-esteem and makes every interaction more enjoyable. 

For instance, research published in Human Relations found that perceived liking from others significantly boosts our liking towards them. This effect is more pronounced when the liking feels unique and special rather than general and indiscriminate.^[6]

Show him you care with small gestures: Share a song that reminds you of him, send funny memes, sneak a sweet (funny, NSFW) sticky note into his wallet, or gift him a thrifted book you love. 

These micro love gestures will make him miss you and want to be around you even more.

Conclusion

Do you really want to know how to make him miss you like crazy? Be your confident, authentic self. Skip the tricks, and focus on real connection, quality time, and personal growth. Knowing your worth is what truly makes you unforgettable — let that do the work.

If you’re interested in more advice and tips about being in a relationship, follow the link!

FAQs

References

1. Bhattacharya, K., Ghosh, A., Monsivais, D., Dunbar, R., & Koski, K. (2017). Absence makes the heart grow fonder: Social compensation when failure to interact risks weakening a relationship. EPJ Data Science, 6(1).
https://doi.org/10.1140/epjds/s13688-016-0097-x

2. de la Rochefoucauld, F. (1982). Maxims. Penguin Classics.

3. Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. Harper. 

4. Feldman, R. (2012). Oxytocin and social affiliation in humans. Hormones and Behavior, 61(3), 380–391.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yhbeh.2012.01.008

5. Jiang, L. C., Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556–577.
https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12029

6. Backman, C. W., & Secord, P. F. (1959). The effect of perceived liking on interpersonal attraction. Human Relations, 12(4), 379–384.

Dating after divorce might seem like climbing a mountain with no feet, but it’s not. You’ve got this. Forget the panic, forget the drama.

1. Take it slow and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

Want to know the real reason most post-divorce relationships fail? Hint: It has nothing to do with your dating profile pics or conversation skills.

What relationship experts want you to know: Rushing into dating dramatically lowers your chances of finding lasting love.

Think of it like a broken arm — you wouldn’t try rock climbing before the bone heals, right?

That said, when you feel prepared to take that step, it’s important to ease into it. 

• Explore your options (online) before you start. Over half of unmarried Americans use online dating to meet people.^[2] Online dating is an easy and low-key way to get back into the groove and check the market around you. But it’s not the only way to date.
• Set realistic goals. Instead of looking for the next love of your life on day one, set dating goals for yourself. For example, set a goal that within six months you will have found someone you’d like a second date with. 
• Be prepared. If pressure is making you nervous, read our guide on what not to do on a first date.

2. Consider your boundaries and guard them well. 

After all you’ve been through, your heart needs a fortress, not a welcome mat.

Post-divorce, it can be tough to set boundaries, especially if there were none in your marriage, or they were violated frequently. Now maybe you’re worried about seeming “difficult” for not liking sushi or you’re afraid to say no to sleepovers. But weak boundaries invite manipulation, emotional exhaustion, and potential re-traumatization.

When you get back out there, keep your fortress strong and know your limits and boundaries. 

3. Reflect on what went wrong in your marriage — and what went right.

Your past relationship: curse or classroom?

It may be the last thing you want to do, but reflecting on your marriage is important. Many divorced individuals swing between self-blame and total denial, missing the crucial learning opportunities embedded in their marital experience. 

You need to identify your blind spots, errors in judgment, and other mistakes that you can correct so you don’t make them again in the future. 

• Use journaling to unpack your feelings. I swear to you, journaling is one of the strongest ways to improve yourself.

• Analyze your marriage with balance. When journaling, note both successes and shortcomings to gain a holistic view of what you need moving forward. Don’t just think about them; write them down so they become real.

4. Explore different avenues for meeting new people.

Who in your small circle are you ready to date? I’ll wait.

Obviously, if dating someone you already know were an option, you’d be reading an article about how to make the first move, not this one. 

Meeting new people is tough because anxiety, limited networks, and fear of rejection create barriers. Modern dating feels like a maze of swipes and shrinking social spaces, while remote work and digital communication make genuine connections rarer.

Look for people who have interests similar to yours. Here are a few suggestions for finding people who float your boat:

• Don’t let dating apps intimidate you. In some ways, it’s easier than traditional dating. Thanks to dating profiles, you’ll know a ton about potential partners before you even exchange words. This makes it easy to weed out the weirdos and wankers early. 
• But don’t rely on dating apps alone. Explore hobbies and interests. If you’re into fitness, meet someone at the gym. Pottery? Start taking weekly classes and see who shows up.
• Volunteer. If you’re passionate about a particular cause, start showing up once a week to volunteer. You’ll quickly get connected with others who are passionate about the same.

5. Apply an objective, open attitude to your new adventure.

There’s one thing that above all others will sabotage your dating life before it even starts.

The expectation that you’ll meet someone perfect can cloud your judgment, so staying objective is essential. If you go into it declaring you’ll never date a ginger-haired person, you might miss out on a guy who had to cultivate a winning personality on account of being ginger. If you insist on only dating rich guys, you might miss out on a whirlwind romance with an artist.

Here are some tips on staying open-minded:

• Release any unrealistic expectations you have about this stage of your life. This isn’t Sex and the City. Just have a good time in the moment.

• Do not compare your date to your ex-husband. This guy will have his own set of strengths and weaknesses. Don’t bring your partner into it. Read Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On With Your Life to learn how to leave the past in the past. 

• Stay curious. Focus on what you can discover about the person, not just their “fit” for your ideal image. 

6. Set proper expectations.

What if real love looks nothing like what Hollywood sold you?

It’s tempting to dream of sweeping romance and a partner who checks every box on your list. But when reality hits—when they forget an important date or don’t share every interest—it feels like a letdown. Suddenly, they’re not the fairy-tale answer you hoped for, and every small flaw becomes a reason to doubt the relationship.

• Create a relationship vision. Start simple by establishing some relationship values you’d like to share with a partner. This will help you focus on substance over fantasy.  

• Embrace imperfection. Learn to love the quirks and challenges of a real partnership.  

• Define deal-breakers. Demand what you deserve. You are a high-value woman after all.

7. Remember that you’re under no obligation to anyone.

The Middle English definition of oblige was “bind by oath.” 

Obligation is an invisible prison trapping women in endless performative labor. An online match throws a tantrum because you won’t meet? A date expects intimacy because he “invested time”? These are calculated, toxic manipulations designed to override your boundaries. Your refusal isn’t rude — it’s survival. 

Here are practical phrases to make it clear that you know your own mind:

• “I’m not comfortable with that.” 
• “No is a complete sentence.” 
• “I appreciate your interest, but I’ve decided this isn’t right for me.” 
• “My boundaries are nonnegotiable.”
• “I don’t owe you an explanation for my choices.” 
• “Thank you, but I’m not interested.”

8. Don’t be afraid to walk away.

What if being single for a while is the greatest gift you could give yourself?

Maybe you’re scared of being alone or of starting over. That fear can trap you in relationships where your needs aren’t met or where your boundaries are ignored. You tell yourself it’s better than being single, but deep down, you know it’s not. The longer you stay, the more you lose — time, energy, and the chance to find something real.

• Recognize red flags early. Read about green flags in a relationship to sharpen your awareness.

• Stop looking for love. I’m not gonna give you silly platitudes about how love will find you when you stop looking for it, but . . .

Conclusion

Getting back into dating after going through a divorce may feel like an impossible task, but it can also be an exciting time to meet people and have fresh experiences.

To get the most out of it, wait until the drama has passed and you’re ready to move on. Know your boundaries, keep an open mind, and have some fun. 

For more information about starting a relationship, follow the link!

Frequently Asked Questions

References

1. Sharabi, L. L. (2024). The enduring effect of internet dating: Meeting online and the road to marriage. Communication Research, 51(3), 259–284.
https://doi.org/10.1177/00936502221127498

2. Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2015). Too fast, too soon? An empirical investigation into rebound relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(1), 99–118.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514525086

3. Glover Tawwab, N. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.

4. Ghorbani Amir, H. A., Moradi, O., Arefi, M., & Ahmadian, H. (2019). The effectiveness of acceptance and commitment therapy on cognitive-emotional regulation, resilience, and self-control strategies in divorced women. Avicenna Journal of Neuro Psycho Physiology, 6(4), 195–202.
http://dx.doi.org/10.32598/ajnpp.6.4.5

5. Dembling, S. (2021, February 2021). Survey says how to meet new people. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-introverts-corner/201202/survey-says-how-meet-new-people#:~:text=%22Introduction%20by%20friends%20and%20family, introverts%20rejected%20the%20whole%20idea

6. Booth, J. (2024, February 19). Dating statistics and facts In 2024. Forbes Health.
https://www.forbes.com/health/dating/dating-statistics/

7. New study finds 68% of people would kiss on the first date. (2023). The Match Lab.
https://attractmorematches.com/new-study-finds-68-percent-of-people-would-kiss-on-the-first-date/

8. Five health benefits of being single. (2018, February 14). Medical News Today.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320924

If you spend more time selecting nail polish than choosing a boyfriend, don’t be surprised that you end up the victim of a walking red flag. 

I’m not saying you should interrogate the fella like a murder suspect, but having some creative open ended questions tucked in your back pocket can potentially save you a few months of therapy.

Questions to Ask a Guy to Get to Know Him Better

• What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend? What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?
• What’s one thing you’re passionate about? What’s one thing you’re passionate about?
• Do you like to travel? If so, where’s the best place you’ve visited? Do you like to travel? If so, where’s the best place you’ve visited?
• What’s your favorite way to relax after a long day? What’s your favorite way to relax after a long day?
• What are your hobbies or interests? What are your hobbies or interests?
• Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Are you more of an early bird or a night owl?
• What’s the most fascinating thing you’ve learned recently? What’s the most fascinating thing you’ve learned recently?
• What’s one experience that has shaped who you are today? What’s one experience that has shaped who you are today?
• Is there a secret dream or goal you've always had but never pursued? Is there a secret dream or goal you've always had but never pursued?
• What’s something you’ve struggled with that you wish more people knew about? What’s something you’ve struggled with that you wish more people knew about?
• How do you define love, and has that definition changed over time? How do you define love, and has that definition changed over time?
• What’s your biggest fear when it comes to relationships? What’s your biggest fear when it comes to relationships?
• Is there something from your past you’re still trying to make peace with? Is there something from your past you’re still trying to make peace with?
• What’s a decision you’ve made that changed the course of your life? What’s a decision you’ve made that changed the course of your life?
• How do you handle stress or pressure in difficult situations? How do you handle stress or pressure in difficult situations?
• Who is the person you admire the most, and why? Who is the person you admire the most, and why?
• What’s your relationship like with your family, and how has it shaped you? What’s your relationship like with your family, and how has it shaped you?
• Do you believe in soulmates or destiny in love? Do you believe in soulmates or destiny in love?
• What’s your idea of a perfect day, and how often do you have one? What’s your idea of a perfect day, and how often do you have one?
• What’s something about you that most people would never guess? What’s something about you that most people would never guess?
• What’s the hardest lesson you’ve ever learned, and how did it change you? What’s the hardest lesson you’ve ever learned, and how did it change you?
• What do you need from a partner to feel supported in a relationship? What do you need from a partner to feel supported in a relationship?
• What’s a belief or value you’ve held onto since childhood? What’s a belief or value you’ve held onto since childhood?
• Is there a part of yourself you’ve struggled to accept or love? Is there a part of yourself you’ve struggled to accept or love?
• When do you feel the most vulnerable, and how do you deal with it? When do you feel the most vulnerable, and how do you deal with it?
• What’s something you wish you could change about yourself? What’s something you wish you could change about yourself?
• How do you define happiness, and do you feel like you’ve achieved it? How do you define happiness, and do you feel like you’ve achieved it?
• What’s the most meaningful compliment you’ve ever received? What’s the most meaningful compliment you’ve ever received?
• How do you think your closest friends would describe you? How do you think your closest friends would describe you?
• What’s a memory you cherish, and why does it stand out? What’s a memory you cherish, and why does it stand out?
• Is there a part of your personality you feel misunderstood about? Is there a part of your personality you feel misunderstood about?
• If you could go back in time, what advice would you give your younger self? If you could go back in time, what advice would you give your younger self?
• What’s something you’re afraid to tell people because you fear they’ll judge you? What’s something you’re afraid to tell people because you fear they’ll judge you?
• How do you cope with feelings of loneliness? How do you cope with feelings of loneliness?
• What’s the biggest risk you’ve ever taken, and was it worth it? What’s the biggest risk you’ve ever taken, and was it worth it?
• What do you think is the most important thing for a successful relationship? What do you think is the most important thing for a successful relationship?
• How do you want to be remembered, and what kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? How do you want to be remembered, and what kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?

Deep Questions to Ask a Man 

• How do you handle disagreements or conflicts in a relationship? How do you handle disagreements or conflicts in a relationship?
• What are your top three values in life? What are your top three values in life?
• What’s the most meaningful compliment you’ve ever received? What’s the most meaningful compliment you’ve ever received?
• What’s your biggest dream or aspiration? What’s your biggest dream or aspiration?
• How do you define trust in a relationship? How do you define trust in a relationship?
• Do you want to get married and/or have children someday? Do you want to get married and/or have children someday?
• What’s your favorite way to practice self-care? What’s your favorite way to practice self-care?
• What’s your favorite quote or mantra? What’s your favorite quote or mantra?
• What are your beliefs and values regarding sexual intimacy, and how do you see them fitting into our relationship? What are your beliefs and values regarding sexual intimacy, and how do you see them fitting into our relationship?
• Are there any unmet needs or desires you have in our sexual relationship? Are there any unmet needs or desires you have in our sexual relationship?

Flirty Questions to Ask a Guy

1. What's the funniest insult anyone's ever thrown at you? What's the funniest insult anyone's ever thrown at you?
2. What three items would you buy together at a grocery store to make a cashier laugh? What three items would you buy together at a grocery store to make a cashier laugh?
3. What would be the worst “buy one, get one” sale item of all time? What would be the worst “buy one, get one” sale item of all time?
4. If animals could talk, which one do you think would be the rudest? If animals could talk, which one do you think would be the rudest?
5. Do you judge people for putting pineapple on pizza? Do you judge people for putting pineapple on pizza?
6. What’s one thing everyone looks stupid doing? What’s one thing everyone looks stupid doing?
7. What type of cheese are you and why? What type of cheese are you and why?
8. Would you rather be a little bit thirsty until the end of your life or have to high-five everyone you meet? Would you rather be a little bit thirsty until the end of your life or have to high-five everyone you meet?
9. What’s the most embarrassing thing in your closet? What’s the most embarrassing thing in your closet?
10. What’s the dumbest thing you believed about girls growing up? What’s the dumbest thing you believed about girls growing up?
11. How does this look on me? (Include a photo of yourself in a flattering dress.) How does this look on me? (Include a photo of yourself in a flattering dress.)
12. Are you interested in anyone right now? Asking for a friend. Are you interested in anyone right now? Asking for a friend.
13. What was your first impression of me when we met? What was your first impression of me when we met?
14. What’s something nonphysical that you find attractive? What’s something nonphysical that you find attractive?
15. Has anyone ever told you how nice your eyebrows are? Has anyone ever told you how nice your eyebrows are?
16. You were in my dreams last night. Want to hear about it? You were in my dreams last night. Want to hear about it?
17. Do you consider yourself a good kisser? Do you consider yourself a good kisser?
18. Is it okay that I kind of want to kiss you right now? Is it okay that I kind of want to kiss you right now?
19. Why is it that I love talking to you this much? Any theories? Why is it that I love talking to you this much? Any theories?
20. When am I seeing you next? When am I seeing you next?
21. What were you most excited to buy this year? What were you most excited to buy this year?
22. Do you have a “bucket list,” and have you completed anything from it? Do you have a “bucket list,” and have you completed anything from it?
23. If you had to delete all but three apps, which ones would you keep? If you had to delete all but three apps, which ones would you keep?
24. What would be your dream job if money didn’t matter? What would be your dream job if money didn’t matter?
25. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why?
26. What’s one thing that never fails to make you cringe? What’s one thing that never fails to make you cringe?
27. If you had an unexpected day off tomorrow, what would you do? If you had an unexpected day off tomorrow, what would you do?
28. If you hosted a podcast, what would it be about? If you hosted a podcast, what would it be about?
29. What is your favorite season? What is your favorite season?
30. What is something you love doing but feel guilty about? What is something you love doing but feel guilty about?
31. Do you like weather? Do you like weather?
32. Do you like music or are you a cyborg? Do you like music or are you a cyborg?
33. What color is your toothbrush? What color is your toothbrush?
34. If pets are the new children and plants are the new pets, how many plants do you want to have? If pets are the new children and plants are the new pets, how many plants do you want to have?
35. Can you touch your nose to your tongue? Can you touch your nose to your tongue?
36. Pineapple on pizza: yes or no? Pineapple on pizza: yes or no?
37. Do you believe in life after love? Do you believe in life after love?
38. Do you like getting jiggy with it? Do you like getting jiggy with it?
39. Why so serious? Why so serious?
40. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, lifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, lifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Questions to Ask Before Dating

• Why did you swipe on my profile? Why did you swipe on my profile?
• Your profile mentions you love photography. What sparked that passion? Your profile mentions you love photography. What sparked that passion?
• How do you typically like to spend your weekends? How do you typically like to spend your weekends?
• If you could book a trip tomorrow, where would you go? If you could book a trip tomorrow, where would you go?
• What’s a book or movie that has made a significant impact on you? What’s a book or movie that has made a significant impact on you?
• What are some personal development activities you’re currently into? What are some personal development activities you’re currently into?
• What’s on top of your bucket list? What’s on top of your bucket list?
• In your opinion, what does success look like to you, both personally and professionally? In your opinion, what does success look like to you, both personally and professionally?
• How do your spiritual or religious beliefs shape your life and decisions? How do your spiritual or religious beliefs shape your life and decisions?
• How important is family to you, and how do you stay connected with them? How important is family to you, and how do you stay connected with them?
• What's a valuable lesson you’ve learned from your past dating experiences? What's a valuable lesson you’ve learned from your past dating experiences?
• What qualities do you value most in a friendship? What qualities do you value most in a friendship?
• What's your love language and how do you like to show affection? What's your love language and how do you like to show affection?
• What's your approach to resolving conflicts in a relationship? What's your approach to resolving conflicts in a relationship?
• Describe your perfect date night. Is it a cozy night in or a night on the town? Describe your perfect date night. Is it a cozy night in or a night on the town?
• What are your three nonnegotiables in a relationship? What are your three nonnegotiables in a relationship?
• What are some of your big goals for the next few years? What are some of your big goals for the next few years?
• What's your vision for your future family? What's your vision for your future family?
• What drives you when working toward your goals? What drives you when working toward your goals?
• What’s something that scares you but you’re actively trying to overcome? What’s something that scares you but you’re actively trying to overcome?
• What's a significant lesson you've learned that has shaped who you are today? What's a significant lesson you've learned that has shaped who you are today?
• What's the most spontaneous or adventurous thing you've ever done? What's the most spontaneous or adventurous thing you've ever done?
• How do you manage stress? How do you manage stress?
• How do you ensure you have a good balance between work and personal time? How do you ensure you have a good balance between work and personal time?
• How do you balance your financial goals with enjoying life? How do you balance your financial goals with enjoying life?
• After a long day, how do you like to unwind and relax? After a long day, how do you like to unwind and relax?
• What are some habits or routines you follow to stay physically and mentally healthy? What are some habits or routines you follow to stay physically and mentally healthy?
• What is your relationship to alcohol and drugs? What is your relationship to alcohol and drugs?
• Is there a cause or issue you're passionate about and actively support? Is there a cause or issue you're passionate about and actively support?
• What are your thoughts on marriage and long-term commitment? What are your thoughts on marriage and long-term commitment?

Random Questions to Ask a Guy

• If you had to describe yourself in three words, what would they be? If you had to describe yourself in three words, what would they be?
• What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?
• What's your guilty pleasure? What's your guilty pleasure?
• What's the most interesting fact you know? What's the most interesting fact you know?
• If you could visit any fictional world, where would you go? If you could visit any fictional world, where would you go?
• If you could live in any era, which one would you choose? If you could live in any era, which one would you choose?
• Who’s your favorite fictional character? Who’s your favorite fictional character?
• What's your go-to karaoke song? What's your go-to karaoke song?

Personal Questions to Ask a Guy

• What's something you wish people knew about you? What's something you wish people knew about you?
• Who has been the most influential person in your life? Who has been the most influential person in your life?
• What's a goal you’re currently working towards? What's a goal you’re currently working towards?
• What’s a hobby or interest you have that people might find surprising? What’s a hobby or interest you have that people might find surprising?
• What's the best advice you've ever received? What's the best advice you've ever received?
• What's your favorite childhood memory? What's your favorite childhood memory?
• How do you maintain relationships with your family and friends? How do you maintain relationships with your family and friends?
• How do you handle conflict in your personal life? How do you handle conflict in your personal life?
• How do you typically spend your weekends? How do you typically spend your weekends?

Interesting Questions to Ask a Guy

• How do you stay motivated and inspired? How do you stay motivated and inspired?
• If you could master any skill instantly, what would it be? If you could master any skill instantly, what would it be?
• What’s one thing you think everyone should experience in their lifetime? What’s one thing you think everyone should experience in their lifetime?
• What’s your preferred travel destination and why? What’s your preferred travel destination and why?
• What’s your favorite way to unwind after a long day? What’s your favorite way to unwind after a long day?
• What’s the best book you’ve ever read and why? What’s the best book you’ve ever read and why?
• If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be and why? If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be and why?
• If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
• What’s your ideal way to express creativity? What’s your ideal way to express creativity?
• What’s a cause you’re passionate about? What’s a cause you’re passionate about?

Weird Questions to Ask a Guy

• If animals could talk, which one would be the rudest? If animals could talk, which one would be the rudest?
• If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
• What’s the strangest compliment you’ve ever received? What’s the strangest compliment you’ve ever received?
• If you could have any fictional creature as a pet, what would it be? If you could have any fictional creature as a pet, what would it be?
• What’s the most bizarre talent you have? What’s the most bizarre talent you have?
• What’s the best sandwich? What’s the best sandwich?

Fun Questions to Ask a Man

• What’s the funniest thing that has ever happened to you? What’s the funniest thing that has ever happened to you?
• What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever bought? What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever bought?
• If you could create a holiday, what would it be called and how would it be celebrated? If you could create a holiday, what would it be called and how would it be celebrated?
• If you could be a character in any movie, who would you be? If you could be a character in any movie, who would you be?
• What’s your favorite board game or card game? What’s your favorite board game or card game?
• If you could live in any sitcom, which one would it be? If you could live in any sitcom, which one would it be?

Conclusion

Naturally, any of these open ended questions can be asked at any point in your romantic journey. 

You decide, based on your vibe, how far you’d like to take it and when. These are just some suggestions to make sure you don’t end up with someone who’s inherently wrong for you.

Mix up your questions to keep things interesting. Throw in some deep questions to see if he’s got a soul, some flirty banter to check if he’s got game, and a dash of random weirdness to test if he can handle your quirky side. 

Remember, though, it’s not just about the questions — it’s mainly about the answers. Listen to what he says and see if it aligns with your dreams and values. 

Approach these chats with a mix of curiosity, humor, and openness, and you’ll be better equipped to dodge the Tamlins and find your High Lords of the Night Court.

Check out our page to read more about getting into a relationship.

References

1. Baxter, A., Maxwell, J. A., Bales, K. L., & Eastwick, P. W. (2022). Initial impressions of compatibility and mate value predict later dating and romantic interest. Psychological and Cognitive Sciences, 119(45). https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2206925119

2. Smith, A., & Anderson, M. (2018, March 1). Social media use in 2018. Pew Research Center. https://assets.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/14/2018/03/01105133/PI_2018.03.01_Social-Media_FINAL.pdf

3. Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000097

4. Catron, M. L. (2015, January 9). To fall in love with anyone, do this. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/style/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html

5. Gersick, A., & Kurzban, R. (2014). Covert sexual signaling: Human flirtation and implications for other social species. Evolutionary Psychology, 12(3), 549–569. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491401200305

So, you’re socially awkward. Join the club — we’ve got t-shirts (that we’re probably wearing inside out). 

It’s time to lean into those endearing quirks of yours. With some self-acceptance, smart strategies, and a generous dose of humor, you’ll discover dating doesn’t have to feel like a root canal. 

What Does It Mean to Be Socially Awkward?

Maybe you treat small talk like it’s an advanced calculus exam, spend too long crafting the perfect “hey” text, or rehearse conversations in your head like you were cast in Hamilton as Hamilton (if you don’t get the reference just listen to “My Shot” once). 

Being socially awkward means feeling uneasy or uncomfortable in social situations, often struggling with conversations, body language, or fitting in. Relatable? I bet. But it’s more common than you might think. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that nearly 12% of US adults experience social anxiety at some point in their lives.^[1]

But let’s settle it once and for all: social awkwardness isn’t a flaw – it’s just a part of who you are, like Zendaya’s natural grace or Drew Barrymore’s infectious laugh (yep, they’re both on our team). 

It means you might take a bit longer to warm up in social settings, overthink the occasional high-five attempt, or feel like your brain’s buffering when someone demands, “So, tell me about yourself.” 

And guess what. That’s completely normal. It makes you memorable, real, and often more relatable than you think. Think about it: Zooey Deschanel built her entire career on being authentically quirky. If she can rock her adorkable vibe all the way to stardom, you can definitely rock that first date. 

Signs You’re Socially Awkward & How to Deal With It

Difficulty starting conversations 

If you watched The Queen’s Gambit, you may remember that Beth Harmon could calculate 15 chess moves ahead but froze when trying to make small talk. 

When starting conversations, your brain’s processing power short-circuits. This “conversational paralysis” often stems from our brain’s tendency to overanalyze social situations in real time. Your brain isn’t underperforming, it’s overperforming (like that one person at the karaoke night who takes it a tad too seriously, calm down Jen). 

How to deal with it: You know what? Embrace the weirdo. Throw a funny pickup line or flirty question. Don’t try to be like a neurotypical person (never met any TBH, but OK), just be who you are and that will help you separate the sheep from the GOATs.

Overthinking social interactions 

You dissect social interactions like you’re in a lab — with intense precision and maybe a touch too much concern for chemical reactions. You’re replaying that quick coffee date in your head like it’s the extended Lord of the Rings trilogy, complete with director’s commentary on every awkward pause.

How to deal with it: Get curious about your thoughts. They’re trying to tell you something. Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself or getting too hung up on one encounter. It could be about wanting approval or tying your worth to what others think, or maybe some other codependent habits. Just brainstorming here!

Avoiding eye contact 

Making eye contact feels like trying to stare down Medusa –- you’re worried one wrong look might turn you to stone. Research suggests that individuals with social and relational anxiety typically maintain shorter eye contact, make fewer eye movements overall, and have a shorter path of eye movement during conversations.^[2]

How to deal with it: Give the “triangle technique” a shot: switch your gaze between each eye and the person’s nose. It’s a way to make eye contact without feeling like you’re in a staring contest. Consider it a little social exposure therapy!

Feeling anxious in group settings

Story of my life. Group situations feel like Squid Game to me. Anything more than four people induces anxiety in me. I don’t know who to listen to, or who to look at, and as a result, I just shut down. 

Studies reveal that socially anxious individuals often experience heightened activity in their amygdala (the brain’s fear center) during group interactions, making casual gatherings feel like high-stakes situations.^[3] Now the Squid Game comparison isn’t so over the top anymore, right? 

How to deal with it: Stick to those who make you feel comfortable. Now’s not the time to push yourself out of your comfort zone — that’s not what the saying is meant for. Steer clear of alcohol and other stimulants to “calm your anxiety,” since they can make things worse over time. You might want to check out Gabor Maté’s Scattered Minds.

Guide to Socially Awkward Dating

Learn to accept yourself 

You’re a Phoebe. That’s all right. Awkwardness is your charm. Stop trying to be someone that you’re not and embrace your authentic self. Whether you snort when you laugh or tell unnecessarily detailed stories about your cat, these “flaws” often become the very things someone finds endearing. That’s the energy we’re going for.

Remember, self-acceptance isn’t just feel-good advice — it’s your secret weapon in the dating world. When you’re comfortable with your quirks, others tend to feel more comfortable around you too.

Date mindfully 

Dating mindfully means actually showing up for your dating life, not just going through the motions like you’re in a boring meeting. Instead of mindlessly swiping while watching The Bear, take time to read profiles and craft genuine responses. When you’re on the date, resist the urge to mentally rehearse your next three responses. Stay present and listen.

This means being honest about what you want (no, “whatever happens happens” isn’t a dating strategy), setting boundaries (it’s okay to say no to that 11 p.m. “you up?” text), and actually asking him questions that help you understand him better. 

Find your dating comfort zone 

Start with environments where you naturally feel confident. Love books? Schedule first dates in bookstore cafes. It’s dating on easy mode — you’ve got built-in conversation starters everywhere you look. 

Into fitness? Group classes let you meet people while doing burpees (okay, maybe not during the burpees). The point is to meet potential dates where you already feel like you belong. Bonus points: Shared interests are a good starting point for any healthy relationship.

Start conversations your way 

Channel your inner Emma Stone — a little awkward, completely charming, and surprisingly effective. Instead of stressing about having the perfect pickup line, try honest curiosity. 

“That’s a great book” works better than a memorized pickup line, and “I love your dog” has started more relationships than “Come here often?” Remember, most guys find genuine interest more attractive than polished perfection.

Navigate dating apps without losing yourself 

Dating apps can feel like you’ve signed up for ten first dates at once, all happening in your phone. Take your time crafting your profile — this isn’t a race to collect matches like Pokémon. 

Let your natural humor shine in your bio instead of sounding like you’re auditioning for a Hallmark movie protagonist. And yes, it’s completely okay to workshop your messages with your best friend (we’ve all sent screenshots asking “does this sound weird?”).

Treat app conversations like a coffee date — casual, light, and no pressure to marry the first person who gets your obscure Gilmore Girls reference.

Behind every profile is a real person probably just as nervous about saying the right thing. Take breaks when the apps start feeling like a part-time job — your perfect match won’t disappear if you spend a weekend offline.

Make genuine connections

Ever noticed how curious and invested Drew Barrymore is in her show? Try to take a note from our fellow awkward lady. Instead of worrying about whether you’re sitting weirdly or if your laugh is too loud, be genuinely interested in him. 

Ask about his passions, debate his hot takes on movies (especially the ones that feature difficult subjects to get to know his views), and discover his weird talents. Guys love sharing their interests with someone who seems genuinely curious, and being interested makes you naturally interesting.

Set healthy boundaries 

Sometimes you need to pull a Taylor Swift and just shake it off. Feeling overwhelmed? It’s okay to take a dating sabbatical. Your social battery needs recharging just like your phone, and nobody wants to date someone running on empty. 

If one Hinge date per week is your max, own it. This isn’t a race to the altar, and you’re not being scored on how many first dates you can pack into a month. Quality connections happen when you’re operating within your comfort zone, not when you’re pushing yourself to match someone else’s dating pace.

If you set clear boundaries you can avoid situations that overwhelm you, giving you more opportunity to improve your ability to read social cues, a key skill if you want to stop being awkward.

Learn to read social cues 

Not everyone is born with Zandaya’s effortless coolness, so most of us have to learn it. Consider this your masterclass in human behavior. As Dale Carnegie notes in How to Win Friends and Influence People, “Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.'”^[4] 

The good news is that body language and tone of voice reveal more about your date than his Spotify playlist, so these skills are worth investing in. 

By reading nonverbal cues like mirroring — when someone matches your body language — genuine smiles that reach the eyes, and sustained eye contact, you can date with more confidence. 

Fake it till you make it 

Even Rihanna, one of the coolest people in the world, once said that sometimes you need to fake it till you make it. And I believe her. She wasn’t born red-carpet ready, but you’d never know it now. Confidence is like the perfect pair of jeans — sometimes you have to wear them awhile before they really fit. 

Put on your power outfit (the one that makes you feel like a CEO), stand up straight, and walk into that date like you’re the main character in HBO’s new show. Studies suggest that simply adopting confident body language can actually make you feel more confident.^[5] 

Nobody needs to know that your sophisticated laugh was practiced in the mirror or that your casual hair flip took 45 minutes to perfect. Fake confidence often transforms into the real deal when you’re not looking.

Embrace empathy in dating 

Here’s a perspective shift: That guy across the table may be overthinking his joke about pizza toppings just as much as you’re overthinking your story about your cat’s Instagram account. 

Another one of Dr. Carnegie’s nuggets states: “Any fool can criticize . . . But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”^[6] We’re all human, complete with our own collection of anxieties, weird laughs, and stories that seemed funnier in our heads. 

Dating becomes infinitely easier when you realize everyone’s just trying to figure it out. Focus less on performing perfect dating etiquette and more on making a genuine connection. 

Causes of Social Awkwardness

Spotlight effect 

Research shows that socially anxious people often experience what psychologists call the “spotlight effect” — the tendency to overestimate how much others notice our behavior.^[7] You may be the main character in your own show, but you’re also the overly critical director, producer, and entire audience. 

While you’re agonizing over whether he noticed you nervously shredding your napkin, he’s likely stressing about whether his hair looks weird or if that story about his college band made him sound pretentious. We’re all a bit self-centered this way. 

Once you realize that nobody’s watching your every move, first dates become a lot less daunting.

Heightened social processing 

Like Wednesday Addams’ supernatural abilities, some brains are simply more attuned to social signals — almost too attuned. As I mentioned above, recent neuroscience research suggests that socially awkward individuals often have heightened activity in their amygdala (the brain’s emotion center) during social interactions.^[8] 

You’re not failing at socializing; your brain is actually working overtime to process every subtle social cue. It’s like having a super-powerful social antenna that sometimes picks up too much signal.

Early environmental factors

Our social skills often reflect our early experiences. Family dynamics, peer relationships, and early social interactions shape how we engage with others. Some of us grew up in environments that emphasized different social skills. 

For instance, if your family valued deep, one-on-one conversations over small talk, making small talk at a cocktail party might feel like speaking a foreign language. Just look at the Addams family: What’s macabre to the outside world is their cozy normal.

Neurodivergent processing 

Many people experience social awkwardness as part of neurodivergent traits (like ADD/ADHD or being on the autism spectrum). The neurodivergent brain runs on a different operating system — not better or worse, just different. 

Studies show that neurodivergent individuals often excel at detecting patterns and details that others miss but might find it challenging to process multiple social cues simultaneously.^[9] 

Like Simone Biles, whose ADHD brain helps her hyper-focus on being one of the most skilled athletes in the world. Yet, as she showed by stepping back during the Olympics, this same intensity can make some situations overwhelming.

Personality factors 

Introverts aren’t “shy” — their brains literally process social stimuli differently, with higher sensitivity than extroverts. This means social interactions require more neural energy, like running your laptop with 47 tabs open. 

Meanwhile, overthinkers (hello, heightened prefrontal cortex activity!) can transform a casual “How’s it going?” into a choose-your-own-adventure novel. These aren’t flaws — they’re features of your neural architecture that influence how you experience social interactions.

Understanding how your personality affects your social comfort zone is having the user manual to your own brain.

Being extremely smart 

With great intelligence comes great . . . social awkwardness? Yes! Enhanced pattern of recognition and cognitive processing that can make small talk feel like trying to play “Hot Cross Buns” on a Stradivarius. 

Research has found a positive correlation between intelligence and the need for cognition, which is the enjoyment of engaging in complex thinking and problem-solving tasks. This means that people with higher intelligence often prefer activities that involve deep cognitive processing.^[10] Which small talk is not. 

This cognitive gap can create a communication puzzle where your natural thought patterns zoom past social conventions at warp speed, making “How about this weather?” feel like an existential inquiry.

Poor social skills role models

Learning social skills is like learning a dance — if your instructors had two left feet, you might’ve picked up some interesting moves. Our brains are social sponges in early childhood, soaking up whatever examples we’re given.

So, if your caregivers didn’t exactly model open, honest communication or conflict resolution, how could you be expected to learn those skills? 

But here’s the good news: Just like you can unlearn your uncle’s cringe-worthy dad jokes, you can reprogram these social patterns. Your brain might be running on Windows 95 social software, but updates are always available.

Being very sick as a kid

When other kids were learning the complex politics of playground trading cards, you might’ve been mastering the art of hospital TV scheduling. Extended childhood illness isn’t just about missing school — it’s being dropped into season 5 of a show that everyone else watched from season 1. 

Science indicates that the early years of life are critical for developing social intuition. Studies emphasize that early social experiences significantly contribute to a child’s understanding of others’ thoughts and feelings — a concept known as “theory of mind” — which is essential for social intuition.^[11] 

But hey, you probably developed other superpowers, like being able to tell which nurse is about to draw blood just by their footsteps. Jokes aside, sorry if that happened to you. 

Immigrating to a new country

Culture shock is a real thing. Moving to a new country — with different norms, language, and even humor — can throw anyone off their social game. When you’re looking for love in a foreign land, your trusty guidebook of cultural cues becomes as useless as a wingman who only speaks Klingon.

In some countries, playing hard to get is the norm, while in others, it’s seen as a sign of disinterest. Suddenly, you find yourself second-guessing every wink, smile, and casual touch, wondering if you’re being charming or creepy. 

Even the simple act of asking someone out can become a cultural conundrum. Is dinner too formal? Is coffee too casual? Is inviting them to a family wedding on the first date a bit too much? (Yes, it is.)

You were cursed by an ancient witch

If none of the above causes relates to you. There’s only one other explanation — you are cursed. Somewhere in the mists of time, one of your ancestors seriously ticked off a powerful sorceress, and now you’re paying the price. 

The curse has doomed you to a life of social awkwardness — stumbling through parties, forever mispronouncing your date’s name, and always managing to spill your drink in public. And there’s only one way to break it . . . accept yourself just as you are.

Dealing With Social Setbacks and Rejection

Rejection is a universal part of dating — awkward or not, we all experience it. For individuals with ADHD, this can be especially challenging due to heightened rejection sensitivity. This occurs because ADHD often affects emotional regulation, making negative feedback feel more intense.^[12]

But remember, not every connection is meant to be, and that’s okay. Awkwardness is a state of mind, and overcoming it involves surrounding yourself with people who genuinely love you, make you feel understood and valued. Skip those who make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.

Ways to deal with social setbacks:

• Acknowledge your feelings: It’s normal to feel hurt or disappointed. Give yourself permission to process these emotions.
• Reframe rejection: View it as proof that you’re putting yourself out there, which is a courageous step in itself.
• Seek supportive company: Spend time with people who appreciate you for who you are, boosting your sense of belonging.
• Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Remember that everyone faces rejection at times.

Focus on growth: Use setbacks as learning opportunities to build resilience and improve future interactions.

Conclusion

Everyone has their socially awkward moments, and they’re all part of the grand adventure of being human. Embrace your weirdness, enjoy the learning curve, and take things one step at a time. Social confidence comes from self-acceptance and surrounding yourself with minds that think alike, not bending yourself over backwards to fit in some made-up norms. 

Are you ready to get out there? Find more information about getting into a relationship by following the link.

FAQs

References

1. National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Social anxiety disorder: Statistics. National Institute of Mental Health.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/social-anxiety-disorder

2. Konovalova, I., Antolin, J. V., Bolderston, H., & Gregory, N. J. (2021). Adults with higher social anxiety show avoidant gaze behaviour in a real-world social setting: A mobile eye tracking study. PLOS ONE, 16(10).
https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.02590074

3. Blair, K., Otero, M., Teng, C., Geraci, M. F., Lewis, E., Hollon, N. G., Blair, R. J., Ernst, M., Grillon, C., & Pine, D. S. (2016). Learning from other people’s fear: Amygdala-based social reference learning in social anxiety disorder. Psychological Medicine, 46, 2943–2953.
https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291716001537

4. Carnegie, D. (1936). How to win friends and influence people. Simon & Schuster.

5. Carney, D. R., Cuddy, A. J., & Yap, A. J. (2010). Power posing: brief nonverbal displays affect neuroendocrine levels and risk tolerance. Psychological Science, 21(10), 1363–1368.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610383437

6. Carnegie, D. (1936). How to win friends and influence people. Simon & Schuster.

7. Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.211

8. Zhu, X., Gong, Y., Xu, T., Lian, W., Xu, S., & Fan, L. (2023). Incongruent gestures slow the processing of facial expressions in university students with social anxiety. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1199537.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1199537

9. Mottron, L., Dawson, M., Soulières, I., Hubert, B., &Burack, J. (2006). Enhanced perceptual functioning in autism: an update, and eight principles of autistic perception. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 36, 27–43.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-005-0040-7

10. Fleischhauer, M., Enge, S., Brocke, B., Ullrich, J., Strobel, A., & Strobel, A. (2010). Same or different? Clarifying the relationship of need for cognition to personality and intelligence. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(1), 82–96.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167209351886

11. Carpendale, J. I., & Lewis, C. (2004). Constructing an understanding of mind: the development of children’s social understanding within social interaction. The Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 27(1), 79–151.
https://doi.org/10.1017/s0140525x04000032

12. Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276–293.
https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.13070966