Few things cast a darker shadow than sexual assault. But you don’t have to go through it alone. Help is available. We’ll walk you through reporting sexual assault as well as pointing you toward available support networks.

If you’ve been a victim of sexual assault, please call:

1-800-656-4673

What to Know Before Reporting Sexual Assault to the Police

Reporting sexual assault to the police is an emotionally challenging decision. It’s important to approach this process with preparation and support. Here’s what you need to know before reporting.

Understanding your rights as a survivor

As a survivor, you are granted a set of unalienable rights, so it’s important that you have a clear understanding of those rights:

• The right to be treated with respect, dignity, and compassion
• The right to privacy and confidentiality
• The right to be examined by a competent forensic examiner
• The right to be treated for the physical effects of sexual assault at no cost to you
• The right to receive a detailed explanation of treatment and medical options, legal processes, and services and resources available
• The right to protection orders — temporary, permanent, or emergency — which order the accused to refrain from contacting the survivor and stay away from their workplace and home residence

Emotional preparation and self-care

Emotionally preparing yourself to report can help regulate your emotions and stabilize your emotional output. Here are some resources that can help:

• BetterHelp
• GoodTherapy
• MellaHealth
• Kaiser Permanente
• AllOne Therapy

Choosing a support person to be with you

As difficult as this experience is to process, you have a single (but powerful) asset that can help — at the very least — simplify the whole ordeal. In fact, if you don’t have this, you’re unnecessarily prolonging your stress, increasing your risk of isolation, slowing the healing process, and maybe even making it less likely you’ll ask for professional help.

You have rights and laws that are set up to protect you. You also have sufficient legal aid for additional support. However, that may not be enough from an emotional and psychological standpoint. The healing will start when you’re surrounded and embraced by the love of others.

Step-by-Step Process for Reporting Sexual Assault

It’s always better to let the authorities know sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the lower the chances of getting justice and the greater the chance the perpetrator may do this again. The solution is to file the report.

Deciding when to report 

There are two reporting variations: immediate and delayed. 

Immediate reporting involves making your claim to the police as soon as possible. This is the ideal option because the experience, clothing (evidence for the investigation), and memory are all still fresh from the incident. 

The other option is delayed reporting. While we encourage you to take all the time you need until you’re ready to report the incident, delaying too long may become problematic. 

Some jurisdictions have statutes of limitations, which are time limits placed on how long you can wait before taking legal action on an assault. Waiting too long can result in you forfeiting your right to press charges.

If you feel it’s necessary, take the time you need until you’re ready. However, just be aware of how much time you have based on your jurisdiction and ensure you save your clothing, as it will act as evidence in the investigation.

Making the initial report

You may not feel comfortable calling the police directly after the incident to file your initial report. For some survivors, seeking professional medical assistance from a healthcare provider at a nearby hospital might be the easier option. 

You’re more than welcome to use this approach. In many jurisdictions, hospitals are equipped to support sexual assault survivors and even help facilitate (once you’re ready) a police report.

But if you are ready to contact law enforcement directly, that option is available as well.

When you decide to call the police to make the report, you will reach a dispatch officer who will send uniformed police officers to your location. When the police arrive, they will

• ask if you’d like to visit the hospital for medical attention purposes,
• get as much information from you as possible about the incident, and
• ask you to provide a record statement (written or verbal testimony you give to the police).

The police officer to whom you reveal the assault will inform you of your options and how the case will move forward. While this may not immediately resolve the situation, it can give you peace of mind to know the next steps and what the authorities plan to do to assist you.

Understanding the role of a sexual assault nurse examiner (SANE)

A Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) is a registered nurse with specialized training to provide comprehensive care to sexual assault survivors. SANEs play a crucial role in medical, legal, and emotional support, ensuring you receive compassionate care while also collecting evidence for legal processes. Here what SANEs can help you with:

• Collecting evidence: SANEs improve the odds of favorable legal outcomes by collecting evidence and documenting the incident properly.
• Specialized training: They’re trained for sensitive, traumatic situations. As a result, they approach you with care and professionalism, reducing your stress and anxiety in the process.
• Mental and emotional support: Survivors assisted by SANEs report higher satisfaction with their care and feel more supported throughout the process.^[1]

What Happens After Reporting Sexual Assault

Reporting sexual assault is a brave step, and the process that follows can vary depending on the jurisdiction, the circumstances of your case, and your preferences as a survivor. 

Investigation and evidence collection

Every investigation and evidence-collection period will usually follow a similar structure:

• Initial law enforcement contact: You can file the report to local police, a campus authority (in cases of assault on college grounds), or through a third party, such as a hotline or hospital. 
• Incident details: Law enforcement will ask for a detailed account of the incident. You can choose to have an advocate or support person present.
• Forensic exam: If you report the incident shortly after the assault, you may undergo a forensic medical examination (rape kit). This collects evidence (DNA, injuries, or photographs) and documents the trauma.
• Medical care: You will be provided with medications to prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs), treatment for any injuries, and emergency contraception if needed.
• Evidence collection: This involves visiting the crime scene, gathering witness testimonies, and any physical evidence.
• Contacting the accused: Police may interview or question the accused, and if sufficient evidence is gathered and presented, an arrest will be made.

Working with a victim advocate

As a trained professional who supports crime victims, a victim advocate helps survivors with information and emotional support. Here’s how that may look for you:

• Legal representation: Victim advocates help survivors find legal representation. 
• Emotional support: Victim advocates offer compassion and emotional support to survivors and their families.
• Information: They provide information about the rights and resources survivors are entitled to. 
• Assistance: Victim advocates can help fill out crime-related documents and find the necessary assistance to support survivors throughout this process.

If one is not provided, you can find a victim advocate in a few ways:

• Contact local or national hotlines. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is a good place to start. They can direct you to advocacy services in your area. National Domestic Violence Hotline is another helpful option: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
• Contact local advocacy organizations. There are numerous community organizations devoted to supporting survivors of sexual assault. Visit the National Sexual Violence Resource Center to find resources near you.
• Visit a medical facility or hospital. Hospitals often partner with local advocacy organizations. Ask the staff at a hospital in your area to connect you with a victim advocate.

Navigating the legal system

Here’s a simple timeline of what you can expect as you navigate the legal system during this process:

Initial steps (hours to days):

• You report the incident to the police.
• A forensic exam is performed to collect evidence. Medical care and counseling are provided.
• Police take your detailed statement, asking questions about the event and assailant.

Investigation begins (days to weeks):

• The case is assigned to an investigator. 
• Police and the investigator collect evidence from the scene, forensic exam, witnesses, or possible surveillance footage.
• If the accused is identified, they will be questioned and, in some instances, an arrest will be made.

Charges and court case (weeks to months):

• The prosecutor assesses the evidence for a possible criminal charge.
• If sufficient evidence exists, formal charges are filed, and the case moves into the court system.
• Defense attorneys can ask tough questions. Learn to respond calmly and clearly while maintaining your composure. 
• Stick to what you know and remember. It’s okay to admit it if you can’t recall specific details. 
• The legal process is complex, and the outcome, regardless of what does or doesn’t happen, doesn’t define your strength as a survivor.

Alternatives to Reporting to Law Enforcement

Filing a report with law enforcement is not your only option when it comes to reporting sexual assault. You may not be ready to take that step if the incident is still too fresh in your mind. There are alternatives to reporting to law enforcement you can consider.

Confidential resources and support networks

Every person who comes forth and asks for help is another person who helps destigmatize the survival of sexual assault and encourages more survivors to come forward. Here are some support networks that can help:

• Sexual Assault Kit Initiative (SAKI)
• Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
• National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)
• Brave Movement

Filing an anonymous report

If you still find tapping into local community centers a bit of a stretch, there’s another even more confidential option. Remember, if you don’t talk to someone, it will only make things harder mentally and psychologically. 

Letting go of the pressure relief valve will help you in the long run even if right now it seems like an impossible task. Sharing the experience in a safe place with a safe person is how you do that. 

And that’s where filing an anonymous report comes into play. Filing an anonymous report is a helpful form of documentation. You can do it by calling the police department within the jurisdiction where the sexual assault took place. 

Another option is calling a resource such as the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 — the hotline is open 24/7. 

Reporting anonymously documents the event for future reference if and when you decide to file a more formal report.

Learn more about reporting a sexual assault anonymously here. 

Seeking civil remedies or protective orders

There are additional protective measures you can take to supplement the police report. You can seek civil remedies or protective orders:

• Restraining orders: If you feel any continued threat to your safety and well-being, it may be worth it to file for a restraining order.
• Civil remedies: You may be entitled to a settlement for the damages of the incident that resulted in your pain and suffering (non-pecuniary damages), as well as possible economic losses (pecuniary damages).

Additional Resources for Victims of Abuse and Violence

Overcoming sexual assault — or any kind of abuse, for that matter — starts with education and approaching the topic (and survivors) with compassion. The following are some resources that can help you spot early signs of potential abuse and foster a safe space for healing.

• 19 Warning Signs of Abuse
• How to Document Abuse and Prove Domestic Violence: Building Your Case
• Statistics on Teen and College Dating Violence 2024
• Domestic Violence Statistics 2024 
• Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence
• Dating Violence: Understanding Signs and Seeking Help
• 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man
• 31 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
• A Parent’s Guide to Identifying and Preventing Teen Dating Violence

Many, many people want to help you get through this. By plugging into the right networks and resources, you can overcome this tragedy and find brighter days soon enough.

Please see our guides to relationship abuse for further literature and resources.

FAQs

References

1. Fernández-Collantes, A., Martín-Vázquez, C., & Martínez-Fernández, M. C. (2024). Patient and healthcare provider satisfaction with sexual assault nurse examiners (SANEs): A systematic review. Healthcare, 12(23), 2399. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare12232399

2. Lorenz, K., Kirkner, A., & Ullman, S. E. (2019). A qualitative study of sexual assault survivors’ post-assault legal system experiences. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 20(3), 263–287. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299732.2019.1592643

You have a huge advantage when it comes to flirting. It’s not your long legs, luscious hair, or sultry voice (although those are definitely advantages). 

It’s that men are simple. So the formula for getting our attention is simple too.

Key Takeaways 

• Flirting is best done playfully. Use banter, humor, and compliments to convey interest playfully. 
• Avoid revealing too much about yourself. Instead, ask him about himself, listen attentively, and ask follow-up questions. 
• When in doubt, use your body. Smiling, touching, and biting your lip are all examples of how you can use body language to your benefit.

1. Perfect your playful banter skills.

The secret to making yourself more attractive has nothing to do with your appearance. Mastering it will put you ahead of the competition. 

I’m talking about playful banter. One of the more subtle ways to flirt with a guy is through lighthearted teasing. Banter creates a fun exchange that takes your dull and boring conversations and makes them engaging and playful. 

To banter like a pro, playfully challenge his opinion. When done right, this can be really effective at supercharging the mutual attraction. 

• “Do you honestly believe that? That’s so 2015!”
• “It seems like we need to work on your taste.” 
• “You can have that opinion for now, but it’s on borrowed time.”
• “Don’t stress, I’m still going to like you . . . especially after I prove you wrong.”

However, there are a few caveats to proper banter. Forgetting to keep these things in mind can cause the conversation to go sideways. 

• Smile. Ensure you have a smile on your face while spouting these smart-aleck remarks. Otherwise, you’ll come off as condescending.
  
• Don’t overdo it. This is no default mode. It should be used sparingly to avoid coming off as confrontational. 
  
• Keep it casual. Avoid challenging his opinion on touchy subjects he may genuinely care about. For example, politics and religion are usually no-fly zones. Pineapple on pizza? Cleared for takeoff.

2. Create playful mystery.

Guys don’t need to know everything about you. 

As we learned from those regrettable Facebook status updates from 2009, no one needs to know everything about you. In fact, the less he knows about you, the better — at least, initially. 

A common flirting mistake many people make is verbal vomiting their whole life stories onto their target. Where they grew up, what their childhood was like, all their previous relationships, blah, blah, blah. None of that is even remotely important when it comes to flirting. 

Here’s how to ooze mystery from every pore: 

• Answer a question with a question. If he asks you where you grew up, say, “Why? Do you want to visit my childhood bedroom?”
  
• Get moving. If your interaction is growing too prolix, suggest dancing or perhaps a game instead. Can’t talk about yourself while you’re doing the Shuffle.
  
• Leave. Nothing spells mystery like an Irish exit. But make sure you finagle a way to see him again, like through a mutual friend or by writing your phone number on a napkin before you go. This will make him miss you like crazy.

3. Laugh at his jokes. 

Not every guy is going to be John Mulaney. But you may want to indulge his humor anyway. A bland face from his bathroom talk (while justifiable) will make him think you’re not into him or that you don’t have a good sense of humor. Either way, not a good look when shooting for a flirty conversation.

Instead, laugh at his jokes. Giggle at his wisecracks when he unveils his inner jester, and he’ll be all over you like white on rice. 

To convey your excellent sense of humor, hit him with a few jokes of your own by reading these articles: 

• 61 Flirty Questions to Ask a Guy to Make Him Laugh
• 156 Pickup Lines to Flirt (& Laugh) Your Way Into His Heart

4. Compliment him.

When you’re flirting and nothing is landing, there’s one trick that will work every time. 

Men love to hear about themselves. I don’t mean in a self-centered way, just an it’s-nice-to-get-attention way. An honest and candid admission about how amazing you think he is affirms him, his style, and his confidence.

This tactic is simple to accomplish:

• Think he fills out that new shirt well? “The way that shirt fits you makes it look expensive.” 
• Digging the way his haircut and beard complement one another? “I didn’t think I liked men with beards, but I’m starting to change my mind.” 
• For more tips on what men like, read our article about how a woman should treat a man. (It’s not as “tradwife” as it sounds.)

5. Ask personal questions.

There’s a simple tactic you can use to easily and quickly get him to reveal pretty much anything you want to know, which gives you fuel for the flirting fire. 

All you have to do is ask. That’s right! Excited conversations quickly die out, sensual energy fizzles away, and flirty banter falls flat without great questions that connect conversation threads. 

For clever and fun questions, check out these articles:

• 180 “Favorite Things” Questions to Really Get to Know Him
• 100 Fun Questions to Get to Know Him Better
• 61 Flirty Questions to Ask a Guy to Make Him Laugh
• 111 Never Have I Ever Questions: Spicy Edition

6. Be a good listener.

There’s one simple trick you can use not just to flirt, but to make yourself appealing to everyone — even if you’re not naturally funny, witty, or flirtatious. 

If you can never think of the right things to say or the right flirty text to send, practice your active-listening skills instead. Being a good listener will do way more for you than trying to come up with sly comments or humorous jabs. 

Here’s how to be a good listener: 

• Ask follow-up questions.
• Make your questions open-ended instead of yes-or-no.
• Repeat details he’s mentioned to prove you’re listening. 

7. Use body language to your advantage.

Newsflash: The vast majority of what you communicate has nothing to do with the words you say. 

In fact, if you’re missing this valuable piece of insight, you could be communicating the wrong things to the right people all the time. 

A whopping 93% of your body language is nonverbal.^[5] The right body language can convey a flirty message far more powerful than words. Your facial expressions, tone of voice, body movements, and hand gestures are all saying things on your behalf.

Here are a few ways you can flirt with body language:

• Bite your lip. Calling attention to your mouth is flirtation 101.
• Maintain eye contact. This sounds really simple and obvious, but it’s extremely effective.
• Mirror his body language. According to body language experts, mirroring signals attraction.^[6] When he crosses his legs, you cross yours. When he smiles, you smile. When he touches his face, you touch yours. You get the picture.

Once you master flirtatious body language, you’ll not only command his attention but you’ll naturally become more confident and attractive as well. Confidence what you need to propel you to the next level of flirting.

8. Brush against him casually.

There’s an easy way you can quickly grab his attention without risking anything. 

Break the physical barrier. The vibe can easily go from electric and exciting to boring and bland if you don’t add some playful touching to the mix. Touching electrifies the interaction, and the best part is that it’s easy to do. 

Here’s how you can make that first move:

• Bumps and nudges. Gently bump or nudge into him if you’re walking side by side or even just standing or sitting next to each other.
• Light taps. Lightly tap his arm or shoulder if you’re sitting next to him to emphasize a point you’re making.
• Footsies. Start a subtle game of footsie if you’re sitting across from him. Whoops! Have fun with it and see where it takes you.

These casual flirting indicators are a playful way to get close without being too overt. It also creates a fun back-and-forth that amplifies the suspense and tension. And there’s one thing you can add that’s a surefire way to reach him.

9. Use his name often.

You may not realize it, but you have a push-button solution to turning this guy into putty in your hands.

You’re having an electric conversation with this guy, but you’re worried about keeping his attention. After all, even the most engaging conversations can fizzle out faster than a New Year’s resolution. Luckily, you have a secret weapon in your dating arsenal: Use his name. 

Everybody’s favorite word is their own name. It’s the name they hear the most, have the strongest connection to, and feel the most affinity toward. So, it makes sense that his name is probably one of the sweetest things he’ll hear from your lips. So, use it. 

Dropping his name throughout the conversation in a natural way creates a sense of intimacy and signals that he has your attention. 

• Throw it at the end of a question when you ask it.
• Place it at the beginning of a sentence before you say it. 
• Use it in the middle of a story while you tell it. 

Of course, like everything else on this list, use common sense when implementing this. Don’t parrot his name every second sentence. That’s just awkward. Awkward can be charming and appealing in some cases, but don’t overdo it. Use your own discretion and gauge his reaction to determine the appropriate use.

Your Next Steps

Flirting with a guy is really a matter of being confident and bringing good vibes. When you have those boxes checked, everything else takes care of itself. So, get out there, have fun, and enjoy the process. 

For more clever advice about dating, read our guides to getting into a relationship.

FAQs

References 

1. Crystal Jiang, L., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556–577.
https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12029

2. Hone, L. S. E., Hurwitz, W., & Lieberman, D. (2015). Sex differences in preferences for humor: A replication, modification, and extension. Evolutionary Psychology, 13(1), 167-181. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491501300110

3. Such, J. M., Espinosa, A., García-Fornes, A., & Sierra, C. (2012). Self-disclosure decision making based on intimacy and privacy. Information Sciences, 211, 93–111.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ins.2012.05.003

4. Mehrabian, A., & Ferris, S. R. (1967). Inference of attitudes from nonverbal communication in two channels. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 31(3), 248–252.
https://doi.org/10.1037/h0024648

5. Izuma, K., Saito, D., Sadato, N. (2008). Processing of social and monetary rewards in the human striatum. Neuron. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuron.2008.03.020

6. Chartrand, T.L., Bargh, J.A. (1999). The chameleon effect: the perception-behavior link and social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(6), 893–910.
https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.76.6.893

7. Schulz, J. (2017). Using a person’s name in conversation. Michigan State University.
https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/using_a_persons_name_in_conversation

8. Psychology of calling someone by their name. (n.d.) The Valens Clinic.
https://thevalensclinic.ae/update/psychology-of-calling-someone-by-their-name

Dating after divorce might seem like climbing a mountain with no feet, but it’s not. You’ve got this. Forget the panic, forget the drama.

1. Take it slow and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

Want to know the real reason most post-divorce relationships fail? Hint: It has nothing to do with your dating profile pics or conversation skills.

What relationship experts want you to know: Rushing into dating dramatically lowers your chances of finding lasting love.

Think of it like a broken arm — you wouldn’t try rock climbing before the bone heals, right?

That said, when you feel prepared to take that step, it’s important to ease into it. 

• Explore your options (online) before you start. Over half of unmarried Americans use online dating to meet people.^[2] Online dating is an easy and low-key way to get back into the groove and check the market around you. But it’s not the only way to date.
• Set realistic goals. Instead of looking for the next love of your life on day one, set dating goals for yourself. For example, set a goal that within six months you will have found someone you’d like a second date with. 
• Be prepared. If pressure is making you nervous, read our guide on what not to do on a first date.

2. Consider your boundaries and guard them well. 

After all you’ve been through, your heart needs a fortress, not a welcome mat.

Post-divorce, it can be tough to set boundaries, especially if there were none in your marriage, or they were violated frequently. Now maybe you’re worried about seeming “difficult” for not liking sushi or you’re afraid to say no to sleepovers. But weak boundaries invite manipulation, emotional exhaustion, and potential re-traumatization.

When you get back out there, keep your fortress strong and know your limits and boundaries. 

3. Reflect on what went wrong in your marriage — and what went right.

Your past relationship: curse or classroom?

It may be the last thing you want to do, but reflecting on your marriage is important. Many divorced individuals swing between self-blame and total denial, missing the crucial learning opportunities embedded in their marital experience. 

You need to identify your blind spots, errors in judgment, and other mistakes that you can correct so you don’t make them again in the future. 

• Use journaling to unpack your feelings. I swear to you, journaling is one of the strongest ways to improve yourself.

• Analyze your marriage with balance. When journaling, note both successes and shortcomings to gain a holistic view of what you need moving forward. Don’t just think about them; write them down so they become real.

4. Explore different avenues for meeting new people.

Who in your small circle are you ready to date? I’ll wait.

Obviously, if dating someone you already know were an option, you’d be reading an article about how to make the first move, not this one. 

Meeting new people is tough because anxiety, limited networks, and fear of rejection create barriers. Modern dating feels like a maze of swipes and shrinking social spaces, while remote work and digital communication make genuine connections rarer.

Look for people who have interests similar to yours. Here are a few suggestions for finding people who float your boat:

• Don’t let dating apps intimidate you. In some ways, it’s easier than traditional dating. Thanks to dating profiles, you’ll know a ton about potential partners before you even exchange words. This makes it easy to weed out the weirdos and wankers early. 
• But don’t rely on dating apps alone. Explore hobbies and interests. If you’re into fitness, meet someone at the gym. Pottery? Start taking weekly classes and see who shows up.
• Volunteer. If you’re passionate about a particular cause, start showing up once a week to volunteer. You’ll quickly get connected with others who are passionate about the same.

5. Apply an objective, open attitude to your new adventure.

There’s one thing that above all others will sabotage your dating life before it even starts.

The expectation that you’ll meet someone perfect can cloud your judgment, so staying objective is essential. If you go into it declaring you’ll never date a ginger-haired person, you might miss out on a guy who had to cultivate a winning personality on account of being ginger. If you insist on only dating rich guys, you might miss out on a whirlwind romance with an artist.

Here are some tips on staying open-minded:

• Release any unrealistic expectations you have about this stage of your life. This isn’t Sex and the City. Just have a good time in the moment.

• Do not compare your date to your ex-husband. This guy will have his own set of strengths and weaknesses. Don’t bring your partner into it. Read Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On With Your Life to learn how to leave the past in the past. 

• Stay curious. Focus on what you can discover about the person, not just their “fit” for your ideal image. 

6. Set proper expectations.

What if real love looks nothing like what Hollywood sold you?

It’s tempting to dream of sweeping romance and a partner who checks every box on your list. But when reality hits—when they forget an important date or don’t share every interest—it feels like a letdown. Suddenly, they’re not the fairy-tale answer you hoped for, and every small flaw becomes a reason to doubt the relationship.

• Create a relationship vision. Start simple by establishing some relationship values you’d like to share with a partner. This will help you focus on substance over fantasy.  

• Embrace imperfection. Learn to love the quirks and challenges of a real partnership.  

• Define deal-breakers. Demand what you deserve. You are a high-value woman after all.

7. Remember that you’re under no obligation to anyone.

The Middle English definition of oblige was “bind by oath.” 

Obligation is an invisible prison trapping women in endless performative labor. An online match throws a tantrum because you won’t meet? A date expects intimacy because he “invested time”? These are calculated, toxic manipulations designed to override your boundaries. Your refusal isn’t rude — it’s survival. 

Here are practical phrases to make it clear that you know your own mind:

• “I’m not comfortable with that.” 
• “No is a complete sentence.” 
• “I appreciate your interest, but I’ve decided this isn’t right for me.” 
• “My boundaries are nonnegotiable.”
• “I don’t owe you an explanation for my choices.” 
• “Thank you, but I’m not interested.”

8. Don’t be afraid to walk away.

What if being single for a while is the greatest gift you could give yourself?

Maybe you’re scared of being alone or of starting over. That fear can trap you in relationships where your needs aren’t met or where your boundaries are ignored. You tell yourself it’s better than being single, but deep down, you know it’s not. The longer you stay, the more you lose — time, energy, and the chance to find something real.

• Recognize red flags early. Read about green flags in a relationship to sharpen your awareness.

• Stop looking for love. I’m not gonna give you silly platitudes about how love will find you when you stop looking for it, but . . .

Conclusion

Getting back into dating after going through a divorce may feel like an impossible task, but it can also be an exciting time to meet people and have fresh experiences.

To get the most out of it, wait until the drama has passed and you’re ready to move on. Know your boundaries, keep an open mind, and have some fun. 

For more information about starting a relationship, follow the link!

Frequently Asked Questions

References

1. Sharabi, L. L. (2024). The enduring effect of internet dating: Meeting online and the road to marriage. Communication Research, 51(3), 259–284.
https://doi.org/10.1177/00936502221127498

2. Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2015). Too fast, too soon? An empirical investigation into rebound relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(1), 99–118.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514525086

3. Glover Tawwab, N. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.

4. Ghorbani Amir, H. A., Moradi, O., Arefi, M., & Ahmadian, H. (2019). The effectiveness of acceptance and commitment therapy on cognitive-emotional regulation, resilience, and self-control strategies in divorced women. Avicenna Journal of Neuro Psycho Physiology, 6(4), 195–202.
http://dx.doi.org/10.32598/ajnpp.6.4.5

5. Dembling, S. (2021, February 2021). Survey says how to meet new people. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-introverts-corner/201202/survey-says-how-meet-new-people#:~:text=%22Introduction%20by%20friends%20and%20family, introverts%20rejected%20the%20whole%20idea

6. Booth, J. (2024, February 19). Dating statistics and facts In 2024. Forbes Health.
https://www.forbes.com/health/dating/dating-statistics/

7. New study finds 68% of people would kiss on the first date. (2023). The Match Lab.
https://attractmorematches.com/new-study-finds-68-percent-of-people-would-kiss-on-the-first-date/

8. Five health benefits of being single. (2018, February 14). Medical News Today.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320924

Breakups suck, but what comes after the breakup can be awkward, inconvenient, and even more painful than the breakup itself. 

The solution? Go no contact.

But first . . . what is the No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule is the period of radio silence after the end of a relationship. You’re not contacting him; he’s not contacting you. It’s time for both of you to take a break and reevaluate things. This is the space in which you can learn to detach yourself from this person once and for all. Here’s what no contact looks like:

No texting

No talking in person or on the phone

No social media interaction at all

Unfollowing or muting social media

Avoiding presence at the same events

Simply put, it’s an opportunity to press the reset button, take a step back, gain both perspective and closure.

1. You can prioritize yourself again.

There’s a subtle (yet very recognizable) shift that takes place in most new relationships.

You stop doing the things, hanging out with the people, and living the life that made you you before he came into it. Going no contact gives you that life back! I remember when I was dating a girl some time ago. We dated for about a year before I started letting things in my life fall by the wayside. 

Engaging in hobbies? Meh. Spending time with friends? Maybe next week. Working on a side hustle? No thanks. Aside from my job, I pretty much let everything go; my life revolved around this girl.

She eventually left without a trace, and I had to get my groove back. You can too. Here are a few practical steps to prioritize yourself after going no contact:

• Focus on your career. Get that money honey! Sometimes, going no contact is the perfect excuse to go double-down on your career. 
• Practice real self care. Self-care is often touted as bubble baths and scented candles. Those things are nice, but real self-care is the practical stuff: exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep. Embracing your passions. Imbuing a journal with your deepest feelings.
• Set new goals. Nothing distracts like trying to achieve something. Actually achieving it is even nicer. 

2. He’ll start to miss you.

One benefit to going no contact is great if you’re just a tad bitter. 

Did you spend weeks or months of the relationship wishing he’d make you a priority? Did he twist every conflict to make you a villain? Did he betray you, cheat on you, or otherwise do you dirty?

No contact can make a guy who didn’t appreciate you when you were around miss you like crazy. All but disappearing into the ether is the saving grace that will have him eating his heart out and regretting ever mistreating you. 

Keep in mind that holding on too tightly to bitterness and vengeance might derail your healing from the breakup. But if knowing he’s wallowing in regret makes you feel just a tad bit better about all the time you wasted on him, I’m not judging.

3. He’ll finally respect you.

The downfall of any relationship always begins with one thing. 

Disrespect. It started with him interrupting you mid-conversation with friends. Evolved into disrespecting your boundaries, time, opinions, and feelings. Maybe even spiraled into lying, cheating, or even gaslighting.

Being disrespected and mistreated over and over again makes it hard to sustain the feelings of love you once had for this person. But it’s also damaged your self-esteem, making it hard enough to break things off, let alone cutting contact entirely.

If you slip up and reach out or answer a text, that’s ok. You don’t have to abandon the whole plan just because you made contact. It’s not an all or nothing thing.

What’s important is that you value your space in a way that brooks no space for disrespect.

When you muster the strength to go no contact, you take disrespectful behavior and smash it, building boundaries up taller than the ice wall from Game of Thrones. 

4. You’ll experience a confidence renaissance.

There’s one simple loophole that will help you move on quicker (and find someone better) once a relationship has ended. 

You may feel like confidence is impossible in the aftermath of your breakup. You’re wondering where things went wrong, obsessing over every interaction, and questioning your self-worth. That’s why going no contact is the key to rebuilding your confidence. 

The no contact rule isn’t just a strategy, it’s liberation from this emotional turmoil. By deliberately choosing to step back and focus on yourself, you’ll not only create the space needed for healing but also rediscover the fierce, high-value woman who exists beyond any relationship’s shadow.

5. You’ll conquer codependency.

Some toxic relationships are subtler than others. Some relationship dynamics look like healthy devotion but hide a damning secret beneath the surface.

Dysfunction, thy name is codependency. Codependency, a cycle of need and insecurity, can come in the form of people-pleasing, caretaking, or even trying to “fix him.”

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You like to be needed, so you reshaped your world around his needs and moods. If you’ve lost sight of your own dreams, identity, and personal power, the no contact rule can help you reclaim your independence. 

Going no contact helps break the ties of codependent behavior by creating distance. This space allows you to reconnect with who you are and what you value without the toxic influence of a dude who’s monopolizing your energy. 

Pro tip: If necessary, assign an intermediary to handle issues of mutual importance, such as bills or pet sharing.

If you’re struggling with a codependent or otherwise toxic relationship, here are some articles that might help you:

• How to Leave a Toxic Relationship: 6 No-Nonsense Steps (+ Quiz)
• 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags
• 31 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
• How to Break Up With Someone You Love (Hint: Not by Text Message)

6. It speeds up emotional healing.

What if I told you that you could fast-track the emotional healing process?

In the middle of a breakup, your emotions are raw and all over the place. And the more you stay in contact, the harder it will be, and the longer it will take to heal. So, no barrage of post-breakup texts or passive-aggressive social media updates. You can’t heal from emotional frustration if you remain in the chaos that caused it in the first place.

Using the no contact rule can speed up the breakup healing process by taking you out of the emotional pressure cooker. This gives you time and space to healthily process your feelings and debrief the relationship itself. 

Here’s a tip: Enlist a friend to be your accountability coach. When you feel the urge to check if he’s hurting after the breakup, reach out to your friend instead. They’ll be your much-needed reality check in those moments of weakness — so lean on them.

7. You have space to move on with clarity.

Do you really want to carry all this baggage into your next relationship? It’s time to wrap up this chapter of your life.

The end of a relationship often brings a lot of conflicting emotions and confusion. You second-guess yourself and everything else, replaying every painful moment like a bad movie reel. These mental gyrations cloud your judgment and prevent you from understanding what really went wrong. 

The no contact rule is such a powerful solution because it lifts you from the emotional turbulence and creates a space for reflection. Without contact, you can step back, breathe, and gain the perspective that was impossible to see while you were caught up in the relationship drama. 

Embrace complete disconnection. When you commit to going no contact, the mental static clears. You finally see the trees and not just the forest.

Here’s how you can create that kind of psychological breathing room:

• Spend time outdoors. Hang out by some water if you can. Water stills your thoughts and helps you to reflect.
• Allow yourself to grieve. The path to closure includes letting it all out. Take a day to sob and cry and mourn the end of your relationship. This is normal and healthy.
• Review the lessons you learned. Take time to examine the relationship and the lessons it has to offer, even considering the mistakes you made. This will prepare you for your next relationship.

If you still haven’t decided if breaking up is the right thing to do, this article might help: When Is It Time to Break Up With Your Partner? The Telltale Signs You Need to End the Relationship

Conclusion

The no contact rule is easy to understand but can be challenging to apply. For this reason, give yourself some grace here. One slip doesn’t mean you abandon the whole plan.

See our guides to ending a relationship for more help making sense of your breakup.

FAQs

References 

1. Lancer, D. (2020) How we lose ourselves in relationships. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202010/how-we-lose-ourselves-in-relationships

2. Ruggi, S., Gilli, G., Stuckless, N., & Oasi, O. (2012). Assessing vindictiveness: Psychological aspects by a reliability and validity study of the Vengeance Scale in the Italian context. Current Psychology, 31, 365–380.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-012-9153-2

3. Frei, J. R., & Shaver, P. R. (2002). Respect in close relationships: Prototype definition, self‐report assessment, and initial correlates. Personal Relationships, 9(2), 121–139.
https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.00008

4. Lewandowski, G. W., Nardone, N., & Raines, A. J. (2009). The role of self-concept clarity in relationship quality. Self and Identity, 9(4), 416–433.
https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860903332191

5. Mellody, P. (1989). Facing codependence: What it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. Harper & Row.

6. Pascual-Leone, A. (2018). How clients “change emotion with emotion”: A programme of research on emotional processing. Psychotherapy Research, 28(2), 165–182. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2017.1349350

Classic dating trope: Things are going well when, suddenly, he slams the brakes. What’s left of you when men pull away with no explanation is self-doubt, insecurity, and overanalyzing. 

Exploring the reasons men pull away can help you tame the overthinking beast and understand what’s really going on.

Common Reasons Why Guys Pull Away

Everything from unmet emotional needs to past trauma are possible factors that could contribute to an intimacy 180. 

1. He’s not attracted to you anymore

Let’s get this one over with. Would you ever up and leave a guy you were really attracted to? Unless there were some glaring red flags waving, probably not; the same thing is true with him. 

One of the most common reasons why men pull away is low attraction. If he’s not feeling it, he’ll have no qualms about disappearing. On the other hand, a man who is highly attracted to you would never perform that kind of stunt. He wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings or risk the relationship.

That’s usually how two people treat each other when they’re really invested — they put their best foot forward. So, when a man pulls away, one reason could be he’s just not feeling it.

2. Your values are misaligned

Shared values are an important thing in relationships; this is especially true for people looking to settle down with a long-term partner. 

And the research agrees; in fact, one study revealed that shared values within the context of a committed relationship were responsible for higher relationship quality. Van der Wal et al. explain, “Personal values are important variables in romantic relationship functioning.” 

Not just any values but especially that of self-transcendence, or the ability to feel concern for others besides yourself, was “strongly and consistently associated with enhanced romantic relationship quality.”^[1] 

If the guy you’ve been seeing isn’t impressed by what you stand for and he feels like the two of you are not compatible in terms of your values, he may pull away and distance himself from the relationship. 

3. You came on too strong

I was in a great relationship a few years ago — fantastic girl. She was smart, beautiful, had a good career, and, most importantly, cared about me. But there was a problem. She was quietly (but persistently) pushing me into things I wasn’t ready for. 

It started with the relationship talk, followed by her dropping hints about moving in together and even insinuating about marriage — all of this in the first couple of months of dating. 

It was too much, too soon. 

If a guy is pulling away from you, it may be because you pushed for things (a label, a commitment, a ring . . .) a little too fast, creating pressure and expectations that caused him to feel trapped, grasping frantically at his freedom and independence. 

If your goal is a serious, long-term relationship, the last thing you want to do is place unfair expectations on your partner. Instead, focus on getting to know him better and building intimacy and connection. 

Therapist and author Maria Baratta cautions, “Dating is about trying to figure out if the person is for you. And that takes time. Some people will say that they ‘just know,’ but many have been wrong. And that can hurt.”^[2]

Slowing things down not only gives you the opportunity to get to know the guy better but it also prevents the blowback from trying to shoehorn a relationship into someone’s life who may or may not be ready for it.

4. The ex came back

If you’re dating a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend or separated from his wife, it’s possible she is still in the picture. Since he has more time in with her than with you, he might naturally gravitate toward that relationship over yours.

This is especially true if their relationship ended on positive terms.

In fact, a study published by the American Psychological Association revealed that people prefer familiarity over novelty.^[3]

Winet and O’Brien, who conducted the study, explain, “As participants faced a shrinking window of opportunity to enjoy a general category of experience . . . their hedonic preferences shifted away from new and exciting options and toward old favorites.”

So, if a guy randomly pulls away, and you know you haven’t done anything wrong, he may be shifting back to his ex because he thinks she’s more of a sure thing. 

This is one of the reasons it’s so important to stay both objective and unattached while dating someone casually. An old flame comes back, he decides to rekindle things with her, and just like that, it’s over. 

5. Bad timing

Sometimes, a guy will pull away simply because the timing just isn’t right. Timing is more important in dating than people realize. 

You can meet a guy you’re totally into who is going through a major life transition, such as a career change, losing a loved one, going through financial hardship, or returning to school to get his degree. You never know what’s going on in the background. 

Dr. Rick Nauert published an article on Psych Central explaining how important timing is in relationships. He wrote, “Timing plays a critical role for relationship success. Timing may be thought of as the subjective sense that now is the right moment to be intimately involved with someone on an ongoing basis.”^[4]

6. He’s emotionally unavailable

The emotionally unavailable man. Classic. One of the signs of an emotionally unavailable man is difficulty being present in the relationship. While the roots of his emotional unavailability might not have anything to do with you directly, this tendency could affect you in the long run.

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships revealed that emotional unavailability (from either or both partners) can negatively impact relationship quality. In fact, the study concluded that an unresponsive partner can actually undermine your own sense of emotional well-being.^[5]

Essentially, you dodged a bullet, ma’am.

7. He has commitment issues

He may have a deep-rooted fear of commitment that causes him to pull away anytime he feels himself getting too close to you. The fear of commitment is pretty misunderstood. People tend to think this just means a guy wants to be a playboy, but the roots go deeper than that. 

In fact, research published in the Journal of Scientific Exploration revealed that the fear of intimacy or being controlled (two of the more common fears for men in relationships) wasn’t nearly as high as the fear of commitment. 

Lange et al. reveal, “Few men mentioned fear of intimacy or fear of being controlled. Moreover, about the same number of women reported these feelings as did the men in the study. However, significantly more men than women expressed fear of commitment.”^[6]

So, if your man pulls away, a fear of commitment could be at the root of his flaky behavior.

8. He’s a player 

Then again, maybe he is just a playboy. Perhaps he’s too preoccupied with his fly-by-the-night bachelor lifestyle to give much thought to a committed, long-term relationship. 

If that’s the case, you’ll definitely see this dude coming and going, as he really only wants one thing. . . . 

At this point, you get to decide: stay and have some fun with Ol’ Loosey Goosey until Mr. Right comes along or you bounce and move on. 

While the decision is yours to make, the player types are usually more trouble than they’re worth — just saying.

9. He likes you but he’s bad at this

Let’s face it . . . Most guys will not be Casanova (which is probably a good thing, actually). 

With that in mind, there’s a good chance he genuinely thinks the world of you but still pulls away just because, well, he may not have a clue what he’s doing. 

So, let’s cut him some slack. Like trying to assemble IKEA furniture or keeping a houseplant alive, he may just suck at this relationship thing. 

Maybe he has feelings but is scared to admit it or maybe he doesn’t want to come on too strong, so he intentionally pulls back. Whatever the case, it’s important to realize he may not be as confident in relationships as he might be in other areas.

None of us is perfect, right?

What to Do When He Pulls Away

Don’t just mope around feeling vulnerable and unwanted. That’s not what our foremothers wanted for you. 

Give him space

When a man pulls away, let him go. If he returns, it’s because you still have his hoodie — I mean . . . it was meant to be.

In all seriousness, giving him space when he’s unilaterally decided to limit the relationship is the best thing you can do, not just to increase the odds of him coming back but also for your own self-respect. 

Dignity dictates that you’re only going to spend your time with those who want to spend time with you. So, as much as you may not like it, you have to let him go.

This reaction should feel counterintuitive for all of one day. Your immediate natural instinct when he becomes distant might be to chase him, text him, call him, break into his house and sleep in his bed.

You’ll come to your senses within 24 hours. After all, there’s a queue behind him, ain’t there?

Use the break to reflect on the relationship

Sometimes, gaining perspective can only happen when you take a step back. 

Taking a break can be the perfect opportunity to reassess things. Who knows, maybe him creating that distance was exactly what you needed to learn what you don’t want in a man. 

As a result, this break can be the impetus for you to just move on from the relationship and start fresh. Either way, now is the time to reflect, to see what went wrong and if you can avoid the same mistakes with the next one.

Be happy (but not too happy) to hear from him 

He’ll likely be back if you give him the space he needs. He knows the high-value woman he nearly gave up. He just needed time to sort out his feelings.

And when he does contact you again (and this is key), be happy to hear from him. Don’t try to guilt trip him over his flaky behavior. As justified as you are to do so, it will only make you look ungenerous. 

Be nonchalant and act as if you didn’t even notice he was gone. Not only will he be relieved that you’re happy to hear from him, but he’ll also start to wonder why you didn’t seem to notice (or care) that he was gone in the first place. 

A word to the wise, though. This artfully disinterested façade only works for so long. Don’t play too much.

Let him do the work

If he continually yo-yos in and out of the relationship, you don’t want to reward that behavior. Instead, it’s better to make him put in an effort to earn your affection again. 

This doesn’t mean you ignore him or play hard-to-get when he reaches out. That’s giving toxic vibes. It just means you’re going to let him do the heavy lifting to piece the relationship back together and regain your trust.

You do this to gauge his level of investment. If he expects you to pick up where you left off, the joke’s on him this time. It’s not out of the question for you to need proof he’s in it to win it.

Here are a few practical ways you can let me do the work to win you back:

• Let him call and text: Even if he’s genuinely sorry and you have a passionate night together, do not call or text him at all (at least not the next morning). Winning you back after continually pulling away will take more than an apology and one good night of the Indoor Olympics.
• Meet on your terms: Invite him to your place for at least the first few dates. If you want him to earn you back, he has to come to you. 
• Give it time: He needs to build your trust if he wants a second chance, which will take some time. You want to see a track record of him showing his commitment. 

You should follow these guidelines for at least the first few dates after getting back together. It’s not manipulative; it’s you protecting yourself from a Good Time Charlie. Once you’ve seen that he’s willing to go the extra mile, you can start rebalancing things again. 

Never burn a bridge

Emotions are fickle. They come and go, and they rise and fall. What he feels one day may be the exact opposite of what he feels the next. For this reason, you want to always leave the door open when a guy pulls away. Never burn a bridge. 

You may be tempted (or even justified) to let your frustration go on a rampage. However, it’s probably best not to dig your keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive or carve your name into his leather seats. 

Instead, just tell him to get in touch when he changes his mind. But there is a caveat to this point. . . . If he does come back, don’t be in such a rush to put a label on your relationship.

As far as you’re concerned, he’s on probation in your eyes until you see a genuine (and permanent) change. 

Your Next Steps

It’s hard to know exactly why men pull away. It could be any number of things, which means all you can really do is speculate. 

If you’re not interested in sticking around to find out what his deal is, just check out our guides to ending a relationship.

FAQs

References

1. van der Wal, R. C., Litzellachner, L. F., Karremans, J. C., Buiter, N., Breukel, J., & Maio, G. R. (2024). Values in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 50(7), 1066–1079.
https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231156975

2. Baratta, M. (2021). Moving too fast can derail a potential relationship. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/skinny-revisited/202101/moving-too-fast-can-derail-a-potential-relationship

3. Winet, Y. K., & O’Brien, E. (2023). Ending on a familiar note: Perceived endings motivate repeat consumption. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 124(4), 707–734.
https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000321

4. Nauert, R. (2020). Relationship commitment: Timing is everything. Psych Central.
https://psychcentral.com/news/2020/06/12/relationship-commitment-timing-is-everything#1

5. Poucher, J., Prager, K. J., Shirvani, F., Parsons, J., & Patel, J. (2022). Intimacy, attachment to the partner, and daily well-being in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(6), 1574–1601.
https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211060392

6. Lange, R., Jerabek, I., & Dagnall, N. (2023). Testing the popular belief that men have commitment issues. Journal of Scientific Exploration, 36(4), 677–681.
https://doi.org/10.31275/20222469

7. Dailey, R. M., Jin, B., Pfiester, A., & Beck, G. (2011). On-again/off-again dating relationships: What keeps partners coming back? The Journal of Social Psychology, 151(4), 417–440.
https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2010.503249

Few things are more gut-wrenching than the emotional tailspin of disloyalty by an unfaithful man.

And while there’s no quick fix, healing is possible with the proper steps. 

First, you need to know how to get over being cheated on when your trust has been broken.

How to Get Over Being Cheated On

Recovering from infidelity will take time and a lot of work. However, there are a few things you can do to help make things a little easier. 

Feel it to heal it

The first step is to grieve. Let it all out. 

Punch a pile of soft laundry, scream into your pillow, bawl your eyes out. Allow yourself to feel what’s happening. Don’t repress or criticize these feelings. You have every right to the raw and hurt emotions you’re experiencing. 

It’s healthy (even necessary) to allow them their moment. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports the idea that accepting your emotions — without judgment — results in better psychological well-being.^[1]

Ford et al. explain, “Research has consistently linked the habitual tendency to accept one’s mental experiences with greater psychological health.”

So, the best thing you can do is be present with your emotions. Don’t try to mask your heartbreak with alcohol, substances, or rebounds. For now, use this time to heal, get perspective, regain your emotional stability, and move on, whether you decide to leave the relationship or stay and work things out. 

Don’t blame yourself

It’s easy to throw the blame squarely on your shoulders. You rationalize that if you had been different, things would be different. But the truth is your behavior has nothing to do with what happened to you. 

People who cheat will usually cheat regardless of how good you try to make the relationship. In fact, one study found that people who cheat in previous relationships are three times more likely to cheat in future relationships.^[2]

With that in mind, rest easy knowing it’s not your fault. This dude was probably like this long before you came into the picture. For this reason, it’s not fair or rational to blame yourself for the situation.

Instead, you need to realize that this had more to do with him and his lack of character than it has to do with you. 

Reconnect with friends

When all else fails, it’s time to reconnect with the squad of other powerful heroines. Reach out and reconnect with your friends. A distraction from the self-centered person who broke your heart is just what the doctor ordered.

Go for a coffee date, a shopping trip, or a movie marathon. You have to get plugged into the right support system. As tempting as it can be to self-isolate (and you may even need it for a time), you’ll find that you’ll bounce back quicker when you have the support of others who care about you. 

They can help you feel heard, understood, and like someone has your back. And that can make all the difference in the world when it comes to how quickly you get back on your feet.

Set new goals for the future

One of the beautiful things about a relationship ending is that it creates room in your life for something new and better to take its place. This is where you get to do some dreaming. 

I know you may not feel like doing much besides staying in bed all day, scrolling through old photos of the two of you, and listening to Lana Del Rey on repeat. But while you should take some time alone to heal, you don’t want to wallow more than necessary. The drumbeat of life must go on, and so do you. 

Setting new goals will give you hope for the future, and it can also be helpful for pulling you out of your emotional slump. 

And this is because of the goal gradient hypothesis.^[3] This is the idea that you get more motivated to reach a goal the closer you get to it. So, if you’re feeling discouraged and disheartened and want to know how to get over being cheated on, try setting some small achievable goals to get yourself moving in a positive direction. 

Ultimately, what you do after infidelity is up to you. For some, it’s a complete dealbreaker, while others still want to work things out. You’re the only one who can decide which side of the spectrum you’ll fall on.

Forgive and forget

I can feel your furrowed brow and narrowed eyes through the screen. Hear me out. The more you hold onto the pain, the more it will fester inside of you. And this could taint your view of men and give you a lot of relationship anxiety in the future. 

You’ll end up painting every guy with the same brush, which won’t help you land a genuinely good man who will give you the love you really deserve. For this reason, it’s important to forgive the guy who hurt you, not for him, but for you. 

Also, it’s important to forgive yourself. This experience may have caused you to harbor some doubts about your own ability to make good decisions. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Every relationship (regardless of what happens or how it ends) is an opportunity to learn and grow. 

You may not realize it, but even if you kick him to the curb and don’t stick around to hear his excuses, forgiving him will help you become wiser and better able to sniff out these types of men (so you can kick ‘em to the curb) much quicker in the future. 

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

If you go, there will be trouble; if you stay it will be double. Or so say The Clash. 

And with that insightful piece of punk rock wisdom, we can conclude that either choice will be a hard one with its set of pros and cons. 

If you give him another shot, the pro is that you can keep your relationship intact and work to improve it. However, you might always wonder in the back of your mind if he’s faithful. 

If you end things, the pro is you get to start fresh and put all of this behind you, but the con is you’ll be on your own for a period — and cheater or not, you might miss the little bugger. 

Many people can forgive infidelity and work through it with their partner. Others draw that hard line in the sand, painting this transgression as an immediate dealbreaker. As a result, they will end things without thinking twice with the attitude, “He made his bed; now he has to lie in it.”

But regardless of what friends and family say or what you read or hear on social media, you’re the only one who can decide which is the best choice for you. But whichever you choose, you’ll only ever heal if you learn to forgive.

How to Forgive Someone for Cheating 

Infidelity is the worst kind of betrayal, and there’s absolutely no excuse for it whatsoever. But the unfortunate reality is that it happens. And so, learning how to get over someone cheating on you is one of the most important things you can do. Here are a few tips that may be useful to you. 

Take a break from dating

If you decide the relationship is not worth saving and this dude is not worth your time, have a breather. For a time, it’s best to take a break from dating altogether.

Your emotions are really raw, and trying to find a new partner amid that emotional chaos will most likely result in a rebound that could do more harm than good. By stepping away from the dating scene, you’re pressing the reset button and giving yourself a chance to reboot the system for a better experience next time around. 

Take a break from the dating apps, ignore the DMs, and focus on healing and getting yourself clear and level-headed again.

Get closure

If you’re comfortable with it, and it’s something you feel will help you close this chapter in your life, have an honest conversation with this guy. Get some closure.

While it’s not necessary to move on with your life, understanding why he cheated can give you some peace of mind about the situation, which can help make it a little easier to move on. But that’s not the only way to get closure: 

• Write a letter. It can be therapeutic to write a letter to him expressing your anguish. Then burn it. You’ll be amazed at the release you feel watching it burn.
• Remove all evidence of him. Donate any gifts he’s given you and the clothes he’s left at your place and unfollow all his social media handles. The best way to gain closure is to remove all evidence of him so that you’re not reminded any more than necessary of the pain.
• Seek support. Whether it’s from a ride-or-die or a close relative who just gets you, seeking support from others is crucial to healing and moving on. Your support system will comfort you with compassion and love. And more than anything else, that’s probably what you need the most right now.

Focus on self-care

There is no easy way to get over someone cheating on you. It’s a form of betrayal that doesn’t come with a manual or guide. However, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to focus on being kind to yourself. Do things that bring you joy. Here are a few simple ideas to consider:

• An afternoon at the spa: Sometimes a girl just needs to be pampered.
• An evening to yourself: Schedule an evening with Ben & Jerry or a Netflix binge session. There are a few things this combination can’t fix — at least for a spell.
• Take a day off: Infidelity can make you feel like you just need a break from life. So take a day to just lie in bed and be present with your emotions.
• Get outside: If you can’t remember the last time you walked barefoot in the grass, now’s the perfect excuse to do it. Get out in nature and forget about everything for a bit.
• Express gratitude: In the middle of a gut-wrenching experience like infidelity, it can be hard to see the good. That’s when finding things to be grateful for becomes especially important.
• Reflect: Try meditation or journaling to clear your mind of sinking thoughts.

Focusing on your self-care is a necessity when it comes to situations like this. You’re not being egotistical; you’re just propping yourself back up after getting knocked down. Mandy Hale, author of The Single Woman Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass, said it best: “It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority.”^[4]

How to Rebuild Trust After Cheating

Rebuilding trust after cheating is a tall order. And while I’m not going to say it’s impossible, I’m also not going to let on like it can be done quickly or easily.

Start with a genuine apology

The first thing he needs to do before anything else is to give a genuine apology. Apologizing can be the beginning of a whole new relationship. Of course, that’s not to say that it wipes the slate clean and makes everything all hunky-dory again — not even close. There’s no push-button solution like that for this kind of situation.

However, it communicates that he’s remorseful. And if you see and believe that he really means it, it can be the foundation for restoring trust and starting something new. 

Ask for full transparency

If there is even an inkling of an iota of a chance you’ll take him back, you have to have full transparency. This means all indiscretions are gone from his life (forever), clear lines of communication are open, and there are no secrets. 

This could come in a couple of forms:

• He shares all details about the affair (who she was, why he did it, what he do to improve, and so on)
• Ending all contact with that person 
• Full access to his smartphone and other digital devices
• Willingness to try therapy or couples counseling

It’s not unreasonable, given the circumstances, for you to ask for this kind of transparency. No more skeletons in the closet. Period. 

This isn’t revolutionary. It’s actually standard practice in healthy relationships.

Give it time

No one can tell you the ideal time frame for restoring the balance of trust in your relationship. It may take months, even years.

If you do decide to continue working on your relationship, don’t expect things to be the way they were. You’ll need to see a track record of good behavior for a long enough period of time before trust can be reestablished.

In fact, Rick Reynolds, founder and CEO of Affair Recovery, says that, on average, the feelings of betrayal can take up to two years to completely subside.^[5]

How to Fix a Relationship After Cheating

Fixing any relationship is no walk in the park, but fixing one after cheating is even harder. You’ll both need to put in some effort.

Communicate your expectations firmly and clearly

To fix a relationship that has been damaged by his cheating, he’ll have to rebuild your entire foundation of trust again. This means you have to communicate your expectations clearly and firmly.

He has to know that you expect him to practice honesty in every facet of your relationship going forward. And not just any kind of honesty… I’m talking devout, saint-like, Mother-Theresa-type honesty. No more falsehoods, half-truths, or white lies. This needs to be a clear expectation because it’s the only way for him to regain your goodwill. 

In fact, research from the American Psychology Association shows that keeping promises can (over time) build trust and improve the quality of your relationship.^[6]

Psychologists Johanna Peetz and Lara Kammrath, who led the study, revealed that “Kept promises may have further positive effects on the relationship, both indirectly through the fostering of trust and directly through the cooperation and adjustment of maladaptive behaviors.”

You have to set a clear expectation of honesty and transparency and see if he lives up to this new standard.

Invest time in the relationship

And many people will cheat because they feel ignored or alone in the relationship. Perhaps they think the relationship isn’t progressing or that their partner isn’t investing in the relationship as much as they are. 

While that’s certainly no excuse for infidelity, it does give you a starting point for picking up the pieces of your relationship.

A study from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology reports that “feelings of investment were strongly linked to other subjective indicators of relationship development, such as feeling attached to the partner and believing that the relationship had a good future.”^[7]

With this in mind, think about ways you can both invest more in the relationship. It could be regular date nights, planning future goals together, expressing gratitude for one another, or even investing in couples therapy or coaching. 

Get professional help

Getting professional help can be one of the best ways to learn how to fix a relationship after cheating. 

With all the confusion, emotions, and pain connected to an experience like this, it could be worth it to sit down with a professional to air out all that dirty laundry. But more than just opening those lines of communication, couples counseling can also help with relationship problems like sexual difficulties, intimate partner violence, and, yes, even moving past infidelity.^[8]

A licensed therapist can help both of you dig beneath the surface and get to the root of the problem. That could be the solution you need to prevent this from ever happening again.

Conclusion

Learning how to get over being cheated on is not an easy concept to embrace. 

But with enough time, the pain will subside, and you’ll be better and wiser as a result. Be kind to yourself and focus on what you can control: Spend time with those who value you and be patient with the healing process. 

For more help with ending a relationship, follow the link.

FAQs

References

1. Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(6), 1075–1092.
https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000157

2. Knopp, K., Scott, S., Ritchie, L., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M. (2017). Once a cheater, always a cheater? Serial infidelity across subsequent relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46, 2301–2311. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1

3. Hull, C. L. (1934). The concept of the habit-family hierarchy and maze learning: Part II. Psychological Review, 41(2), 134. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/h0072855

4. Hale, M. (2013). The single woman life, love, and a dash of sass. Thomas Nelson. 

5. Reynolds, R. (n.d.). How long does it take to recover from an affair? Affair Recovery.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/how-to-recover-from-an-affair-how-long

6. Peetz, J., & Kammrath, L. (2011). Only because I love you: Why people make and why they break promises in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(5), 887–904. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021857

7. Joel, S., & Machia, L. (2024). How do invested partners become invested? A prospective investigation of fledgling relationship development. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231224351

8. Lebow, J., & Snyder, D. K. (2022). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family Process, 61(4), 1359–1385. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12824

Every relationship is different and there’s really no program to follow, no enforced deadline. I’m not even sure there is an ideal number of dates you should have before a relationship is declared. Perhaps I can prove myself wrong.

The truth is that there is no set-in-stone rule to follow regarding how many dates before making it official. I was right! This should give you some breathing room. All these unwritten rules and expectations make dating waaay harder than it needs to be. 

It’s better to think of dating advice about timelines as simple guidelines. And then ignore them. You’ll read a lot of advice that says you should wait about 10–12 dates before establishing a relationship status. I say that’s bollocks.

The beginning stages of dating and relationships are all about vibes and gut feelings. If you overthink it, you risk sabotaging it. If you follow some blogger’s arbitrary timeline, you might end up jumping into a relationship too early — or too late.

So what do you do instead?

5 Things to Consider Before Making a Relationship Official

Before jumping into la la land, it’s important to consider a few things first. Instead of following a timeline in which a flip switches and suddenly you’re in it to win it, look for the green flags. 

Watching out for red flags and green flags is critical. You have to cover your bases or else you run the risk of landing a control freak, gaslighter, or drama king. 

1. Shared values

This is one of the most important aspects of any romantic relationship, yet it is grossly ignored when people get together. But the truth is incompatibility of your value systems can sink a relationship fast — in the best-case scenario.

The worst-case scenario is you don’t find out your values don’t match until you’re at the dinner table one night and your husband of eight years calls your five-year-old son a sissy because he plays with dolls. Better not risk it.

If you’re not looking for a short-term, I’m-here-for-a-good-time-not-a-long-time relationship, make sure you and your partner share the same outlook on relationships, commitment, money, in-laws, politics, child-rearing, and even religion. 

If you’re not on the same page and don’t share similar values on these essential aspects, it’s going to create friction in your relationship down the line. 

2. Emotional maturity

An intimate relationship is like a partnership — the two of you become a team. This joint-force scenario means the last thing you want is an immature man-child. 

Passive-aggressiveness, self-centeredness, emotional unavailability, and always playing the victim card are just a few of the hallmark traits of the I-don’t-want-to-grow-up Peter Pan archetype. 

You want (and deserve) a deliberate decision-maker who values communication, accepts responsibility, sets healthy boundaries, and lives with honor and integrity.

Emotionally mature people make better partners and also tend to have better life satisfaction. A 2018 study published in the International Journal of Physiology, Nutrition and Physical Education found that emotionally mature people know how to self-regulate and, as a result, have more emotional stability.^[1]

Author of the study Solanki explains “a significant positive relationship between emotional maturity and life satisfaction. The higher the emotional maturity, the higher the life satisfaction, and vice versa. This suggests that emotional abilities are strong predictors of a healthy life and greater psychological well-being.”

And one can assume, healthier relationships. 

3. Relationship expectations

When to establish a relationship is more about the bases you cover than what inning it is. One of the most important bases is relationship expectations. 

As hard-boiled as this may sound, romantic relationships are transactional. That doesn’t mean love and romance aren’t part of the equation — they absolutely are! However, the reality is that clear expectations must be discussed and exchanged if you want to give your relationship a fighting chance. 

Topics like respect, affection, quality time, money management, and, of course, commitment should feature in your conversations. Failing to discuss these expectations can create instability later. 

In fact, research shows that establishing a set of clear expectations early on can reduce resentment, boost forgiveness, and streamline your relationship as a whole.^[2]

Researchers at the University of Maryland Lemay and Venaglia write that “positive relationship expectations are associated with better interpersonal functioning, as indicated by greater relationship persistence, more forgiveness, and reduced contempt.”

As you can see, how many dates you go on before making yourselves official is exactly how many dates it takes you to see his quality. 

4. Conflict resolution

Before you commit to someone, you’ve gotta observe how they manage conflict.

No relationship will ever be perfect. Even if he is The One, you can guarantee your relationship will have its ups and downs. How you manage those ups and downs is crucial.

Here’s what good conflict resolution skills look like:

• Knowing when to compromise
• How to respectfully and lovingly agree to disagree
• Communicating clearly until the issue is resolved
• Listening to understand instead of to respond (active listening)
• Choosing battles wisely to avoid unnecessary arguments
• Acknowledging when you’re wrong
• Apologizing when you should

If this kind of maturity is embedded in your interactions with this guy, that’s a great sign you may be ready for something more serious. 

5. Religious and political views

Politics and religion . . . no tension around these two topics today, right? If only things were that simple. The unfortunate truth is that the supercharged nature of these topics makes it necessary to lay your cards on the table for your partner to see — and vice versa. 

A study published in the journal Religions revealed that couples with the same religious views report higher relationship satisfaction.^[3] Langlais and Schwanz, who led the study, explain, “There is empirical evidence that participating in religious activities together as a dating couple is associated with increased romantic relationship quality.”

This is also true of politics.

A study by the American Psychological Association confirmed that voting differences can compromise a relationship.^[4] Academic researchers revealed, “Research has shown that people are less attracted to those who vote differently and that voting differently can be associated with lower relationship quality.”

While these differences don’t necessarily mean things can’t work out — couples with different religions are certainly capable of long and happy relationships — the research shows they can impact your relationship quality. 

Signs You’re Ready to Make the Relationship Official

You may have found yourself a keeper when you see these signs in the dating phase.

You communicate well

Studies show that relationship quality is usually tied to communication quality. Johnson et al. report in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, “Relationship science contends that the quality of couples’ communication predicts relationship satisfaction over time.”^[5]

I like that word, “predict.” If you’ve just started dating in the last few months and your communication is crap, it won’t get better. The current state of your relationship predicts its later success.

Applying that same logic, if you and your new boo have open communication and can freely discuss problems, challenges, and intimate details, you’re ready for a relationship. 

You’ve established trust

There is no relationship without trust. Okay. Cool. But what does that mean?

Experts Nicholson et al. write that trust is “confidence in the other party’s reliability and integrity. Trust is the foundation of cooperation, in part because it normatively prohibits behaviors that harm the other partner.”^[6]

Trust means knowing this person will not hurt you. 

If he has consistently shown up with integrity, kept his word, followed through on commitments, and done the right things, you may have hit the dating market gold mine. His behavior clearly communicates his values. 

You’re comfortable being yourself

You should feel like you can be your silly, goofy, loud, and unadulterated self when you’re with someone long-term. This goes without saying, and yet you’d be shocked at how many people get into relationships with others they don’t feel 100% safe with. 

Attraction can blind you in many ways. But once you remove those rose-colored glasses, it becomes easier to see the other person for who they really are, which makes it easier to make the right decision. 

If you’re an adorkable nerd behind your sophisticated facade, you need to be okay with showing him your collection of Harry Potter wands before you can start drafting a better epilogue than Harry Potter got.

Dating vs. Relationship

The difference between dating and a relationship comes down to commitment.

Dating is more casual, lighthearted, and low commitment. You’re both getting to know each other and collecting data (so romantic, right?) to decide whether you’re good for each other or not. 

In a relationship, on the other hand, the decision has been made. Things have gotten serious. Not necessarily moving in together serious or getting engaged serious. Level up one step at a time, my dear. But you’re not seeing anyone else and there’s a drawer of your things at his place. 

Average Time to Say I Love You 

This is a controversial one, but it matters — a lot.

Releasing the “L” word is a big deal. It shouldn’t be thrown around just because you’re on an emotional high of meeting someone new who you’re really into. When you say those three magic words, you should say it because you genuinely mean it and feel it. 

What Hollywood romances like to forget is that you can only truly love someone after you’ve had the time to get to know them.

It’s important to know the difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation is fleeting. Infatuation burns super hot but that also means it burns up fast. When you’re lucky, what’s left behind is love. But sometimes, infatuation ends and you discover you don’t see a future with this person at all. In some cases, you even loathe them.

If you’ve been dating for a few months and have learned some of his strengths and weaknesses, faults and shortcomings, and still think he’s your knight in shining armor, you probably love the guy.

According to Psychology Today, “men take an average of 88 days to tell a partner they love them compared to a woman’s 134.”^[7] Well, if that’s not a fascinating statistic!

Ideal Number of Dates Before You Kiss 

There’s no rule saying you have to wait two, three, four dates, or more before kissing a guy. You can do it on the first date if you want. 

There’s nothing wrong with showing your interest by allowing that first lip-locking session to happen. Of course, you’re not obligated to do it, either. If you want to wait a few dates, that’s your prerogative. 

How Long Should You Date Before Marriage?

There is absolutely no rule for how long you should date before you get married.

That said, marriage is a huge step that should not be taken lightly. You’re committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life. If that doesn’t warrant diligence, I don’t know what does.

Society has shifted from a time when couples would date for a few weeks before they’d get hitched and the husband would ship off to war for three years, then they’d come back and pick up right where they left off. 

The women’s liberation movement changed all that. Before the 1970s, women couldn’t even have their own checking account. Now, women are waiting much longer to get married, and people are dating longer too. 

In fact, according to a poll conducted by a wedding planning firm in the UK, the average length of dating before marriage is 4.9 years. And that coincides with the UK’s lowest divorce rate over the last 50 years.^[8]

So while there’s no dogma codifying the length of time you should wait before walking down the aisle, the general wisdom is just don’t rush into it.

Conclusion

There’s no exact number for how many dates before a serious relationship should develop. Trying to pinpoint a precise figure is superfluous. 

Instead, focus on enjoying the moment and getting to know this new guy. Let things unfold naturally and be okay with whatever presents itself in this dating experience. 

To read more about being in a relationship, click the link.

FAQs

How long should you talk to someone before dating? 

A general guideline for how long you should talk to someone before dating is a couple of text messages back and forth over a day or so. There’s no reason to get each other’s whole life story before you meet up. Keep the exchanges short and sweet so you know he’s a normal person, and then set up a date in person — in public.

How long should you date before moving in? 

How long you date before moving in together is really a matter of personal preference and circumstance. A safe bet, though, is to spend at least one to three years dating before moving in with someone. 

References

1. Solanki, G. (2018). A correlational study of emotional maturity, emotional intelligence and life satisfaction among college girls. International Journal of Physiology Nutrition and Physical Education, 3(1), 1917–1921.
https://www.journalofsports.com/pdf/2018/vol3issue1/PartAH/3-1-405-931.pdf

2. Lemay, E. P., & Venaglia, R. B. (2016). Relationship expectations and relationship quality. Review of General Psychology, 20(1), 57–70.
https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000066

3. Langlais, M.; Schwanz, S. (2017). Religiosity and relationship quality of dating relationships: examining relationship religiosity as a mediator. Religions, 8, 187.
https://doi.org/10.3390/rel8090187

4. Fangmeier, T. L., Stanley, S. M., Knopp, K., & Rhoades, G. K. (2020). Political party identification and romantic relationship quality. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 9(3), 167–180.
https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000141

5. Johnson, M. D., Lavner, J. A., Mund, M., Zemp, M., Stanley, S. M., Neyer, F. J., Impett, E. A., Rhoades, G. K., Bodenmann, G., Weidmann, R., Bühler, J. L., Burriss, R. P., Wünsche, J., & Grob, A. (2022). Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(4), 534–549.
https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672211016920

6. Nicholson, C. Y., Compeau, L. D., & Sethi, R. (2001). The role of interpersonal liking in building trust in long-term channel relationships. Journal of the Academy of Marketing Science, 29, 3–15.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0092070301291001

7. Ben-Zeév, A. (2024). When should you say “I love you”? Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-of-love/202407/when-should-you-say-i-love-you

If you think you might have an emotionally unavailable man on your hands, I feel you. 

Unfortunately, this is a common theme in many relationships today. 

The good news is that it’s easy to spot the signs of emotional unavailability. 

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?

Emotional unavailability (EU) is an unwillingness or inability to connect with others on an emotional level. 

Dr. Charlynn Ruan, a clinical psychologist and author of What It Means to Be Emotionally Unavailable, says, “An emotionally unavailable person cannot or will not consistently connect with another person through deep conversation, showing or being receptive to another person showing emotions.”^[1] 

An emotionally unavailable guy may have difficulty opening up about his thoughts, feelings, and even intentions. 

He may also have a hard time when you show emotions. This causes relationship stress because emotional support is one of the biggest things most women want from a partner.

This doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, though. Being good with emotions is like exercising or learning an instrument. With practice and dedication, your guy can improve.

Signs of Emotional Unavailability 

You want to catch the signs of EU early so you can decide whether staying or bouncing is the right choice for you.

1. His communication skills suck

Okay, a lot of us could use work in this department. However, chronically bad communication skills are a red flag of an aloof man with poorly developed emotional intelligence. Any rational man (who genuinely cares about you) will recognize his poor communication skills as a shortcoming. More importantly, he’ll want to improve them. 

And he’d better. Communication is nonnegotiable for a healthy relationship. 

In fact, a study published by Frontiers in Psychology revealed that relationship satisfaction is based on the capability of couples to communicate clearly and effectively about the details (good and bad) in their lives.^[2]

De Netto et al. write, “The way an individual responds during couple conflicts and toward disclosure of good news by a partner has been linked to relationship satisfaction and stability.” 

So, good, bad, or indifferent, communication is key. Clearly communicating happiness and excitement for your spouse creates a better relationship dynamic for both of you! 

2. You feel alone in the relationship

Dating a man who is emotionally unavailable can make you feel like you’re the only one in the relationship. If you feel unseen and unheard, find yourself going to others for support, or notice that your relationship has become lopsided, with you putting in all the effort, it could be a sign that he is emotionally unavailable. 

Relationships require more than just physical presence; emotional presence is also a necessity.

So, if the lights are on but nobody’s home, you might feel like a castaway in your own relationship. An intimate relationship with a significant other is one of our most primal motivations. Studies show that humans have an innate desire to form attachments and bonds with others. 

Psychologists Baumeister and Leary report, “Belongingness appears to have multiple and strong effects on emotional patterns and on cognitive processes. Lack of attachments is linked to a variety of ill effects on health, adjustment, and well-being.”^[3] 

When it comes to building attachments, his EU may be a question-of-the chicken-or-the-egg situation. Whatever the cause, his EU — and the loneliness it creates — might be affecting how you see yourself.

3. He struggles to empathize

Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is the hallmark of empathy and understanding. It creates connection and rapport, crucial elements in a relationship that should never be overlooked or ignored. 

For this reason, if you notice he struggles to empathize with and understand you, he may be emotionally unavailable.

A 2016 study by researchers with Ghent University in Belgium revealed that emotional responses come from an altruistic place.^[4] Authors Verhofstadt et al. conclude that “the stronger the feelings of compassion for the other person, the greater the motivation to reduce his/her distress.” 

That’s not to say your boyfriend or husband is an emotionless zombie. Some people just process empathy differently. Try explaining to him that sometimes you just want him to listen. Being a safe space for you to vent is a good tool he can use to become more emotionally available. 

4. He avoids intimacy

Intimacy, in the context of a romantic relationship, is emotional and physical closeness working together. It requires vulnerability and sensitivity from both partners.

Examples of intimacy include hand-holding, kissing, sharing personal stories, trying new activities together, planning future goals, having silly inside jokes, discussing fears, or even starting traditions like Sunday breakfasts or weekend hikes.

A guy who is emotionally unavailable won’t have much interest in these sorts of things. And that should sound some warning bells in your head because these intimate acts are the glue that binds your relationship together.

According to an article published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, emotional and physical aspects of romantic relationships correlate to overall relationship satisfaction.^[5] The study gathered 335 couples and assessed things like communication, sexual satisfaction, and emotional intimacy. 

Authors Yoo et al. reveal that emotional intimacy and sexual satisfaction together improved how spouses graded each other’s communication skills and, as a result, improved their overall relationship satisfaction.

With such high stakes, it’s no wonder that emotionally unavailable men are unable to achieve intimacy.

5. He has a fear of commitment

Fear of commitment is another fly in the ointment that can cause him to become emotionally unavailable. He may not want to give up his glamorous bachelor lifestyle. 

Don’t get me wrong; everyone has had their “dating spree” periods. And those experiences are actually pretty important.

Either way, it’s not good news for you. Depth is the hallmark of an intimate relationship.

6. The relationship isn’t growing

Dating relationships tend to progress naturally from talking, then dating, then eventually evolving into a committed relationship.

It starts with casual coffee dates, progresses to nightcaps at your or his place, and continues for a couple of months until exclusivity is brought up. This is the natural progression. So, if you’ve gotten stuck in the “after-hours nightcaps” stage, the relationship will stagnate and never reach the next level. 

The culprit for these dating doldrums may be emotional unavailability. If he doesn’t feel a need to define the relationship, he’s resting on his emotionally unavailable laurels. 

7. He has unrealistic expectations of women

These guys are out here. They want every woman to look like Sydney Sweeney, live like Jennifer Garner, and love like Taylor Swift.

If you notice the guy you’re dating is overly nit-picky and critical, you may have found one of them. These types of dudes are looking for the “perfect woman,” the mythical, high-value woman, not the real deal. Obviously, this leads to unrealistic and unfulfilled expectations about how a woman should be, act, and show up. 

These guys are completely detached from reality and are pretty emotionally unavailable as a result.

What Causes Someone to Be Emotionally Unavailable?

For some people, poor emotional intelligence may come from their attachment style, usually an avoidant attachment style, while for others, it could be unresolved trauma. 

Being raised by emotionally unavailable parents

Parents set the stage for how their children will play out in their own lives. Children of emotionally immature caregivers may grow up to be entirely self-sufficient and independent but at the expense of their emotional intelligence.^[6]

Heartbreak from a previous relationship

Breakups are the worst. If a guy rushes into a new relationship before processing how the last one ended, you may find he’s quite emotionally stunted. 

When it comes to breakups, “successful coping requires understanding why the relationship ended and ultimately letting go of the relationship.” How long the relationships lasted and how intense the breakup was will also make it difficult to adjust to the new normal.^[7]

The lucky thing about this type of EU is that it won’t be that hard to undo, unlike behavior learned as a child.

You’ll have to practice infinite patience with this one. If you really like the guy, he’ll be worth the wait. Take it slow and try not to rush things. He’ll come around when he’s ready to take that next step.

Fear

Fear is a big offender for many people. It’s understandable. A guy with emotionally unavailable tendencies could be wrestling with all kinds of fears. Here are some examples:

• Fear that he’s not enough: Many guys have a deep-seated fear of not being good enough for the women they desire. 
• Fear that he won’t be loved: Maybe he has some hang-ups from previous relationships where he felt unloved and unwanted. That could easily be a reason for his emotional unavailability.
• Fear of rejection: Deep down, he may just not want to have to go through the wringer again and face another possible rejection.
• Fear of commitment: A commitment can weigh a guy down as it paints a more serious picture of a once fun and casual relationship.
• Fear of intimacy: Many guys fear intimacy because the feeling of love freaks them out. It makes them uncomfortable to be that exposed.

These types of fears could all contribute to your guy’s emotional unavailability. The key with all of this is to practice infinite patience by letting him come to you at his own pace.

Mental disorders

If someone struggles with anxiety, depression, OCD, or other mental health challenges, it could contribute to emotional unavailability. 

Often, a difficult childhood or upbringing can result in unresolved mental or psychological issues that make it challenging to give and receive love as an adult. For this reason, a traumatic or abusive upbringing could impact someone’s ability to connect emotionally with another person. 

Again, you’ll have to be patient and work with him to help unpack some of that baggage. This is where therapy or couples counseling can be really helpful. 

Narcissistic tendencies

Emotional unavailability may be the result of narcissistic tendencies. Now, narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical mental health condition and we are not doctors. However, the signs of a narcissist are pretty clear. 

The narcissist is someone with an inflated sense of self-importance. They walk around with an entitled air of “confidence.” And while it might seem like a genuine display of self-assuredness at first, it only takes about five minutes with these showmen for their smugness and arrogance to come through.

They are also deeply insecure and “generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve.”^[8] Men like this are emotionally unavailable because their emotions stop where other people begin.

How to Cope With an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

Even if your man is emotionally unavailable, deciding to take a break from the relationship or completely end things is easier said than done.

After all, he may have many positive traits that might make the relationship worth salvaging. With this in mind, you’re probably wondering how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable. 

Here are a couple of simple suggestions to consider. 

Recognize and acknowledge the signs

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, guess what? It’s a duck. 

You have to recognize the situation for what it is. By bringing his EU to the surface, you can work with him to improve — if he’s open and willing to change. But none of this is possible if you sweep his behavior and your feelings underneath the rug. 

That will only create resentment over time. 

Approach with empathy

You have to be tactful when approaching this situation, and that means using empathy. Empathy means putting yourself in his position and trying to understand how you would feel if you were in his shoes. 

Reverse the roles for a moment and think about how you would want someone to approach you in this circumstance.

Most guys who are emotionally unavailable are probably not even aware of it. So, if you come at it the wrong way, he can easily take it as a personal attack and become defensive as a result. 

Support him on his journey

A relationship is all about two people growing together. So, supporting him on his journey as he works to build his emotional intelligence can be invaluable, not just for him but also for your relationship. 

Here are a few simple ideas to think about:

• Encourage his emotions: He’s become accustomed to stifling his feelings. Let him know you want to see all of him, even the emotional bits
• Create a safe space: Judgment and criticism will cause him to put his guard back up. Instead, create a judgment-free zone where he feels safe to express himself.
• Respect his boundaries: It can be tempting to push for some kind of breakthrough. Don’t do it. Be patient with him and respect his boundaries.

Read more about what boundaries are and how to maintain them.

Keep the lines of communication open

You have to be able to speak openly and honestly about what you need in order for him to understand your needs and accommodate them. This kind of open communication will create a solid foundation from which you can build. 

Seek professional help

Whether for your partner, yourself, or both of you, therapy or counseling can work wonders to help relationships thrive in the face of emotional unavailability. A therapist can work with you or your partner to develop coping mechanisms and pull those emotions out from where they’ve been hiding.

How to Know If You’re Emotionally Unavailable

We tend to see in others what we don’t want to see in ourselves. 

But the truth is that you may also be harboring some emotionally unavailable tendencies. This doesn’t make you a bad person. However, it’s worth exploring and seeing what you can unpack and heal in yourself. This process will have a ripple effect on your relationships — romantic and otherwise. 

Some signs that you may be emotionally unavailable include:

• Blaming others for problems rather than accepting personal responsibility
• Difficulty trusting people (even when the suspicion is unwarranted)
• Rarely talking about issues or hurt feelings in your relationships
• Constantly backing out of commitments you’ve made
• Attracting other emotionally unavailable partners
• Dodging any type of “relationship” talk
• Physically present but emotionally distant

How to Become Emotionally Available

Emotional availability is a prerequisite for a fulfilling, intimate relationship. Here are a couple of ways you can practice feeling and expressing your emotions and welcoming those of others.

Challenge your fears around vulnerability

A major reason why you may struggle to become emotionally available is fear of being hurt. 

This causes you to close off and become more reserved. If you want to become emotionally available in your relationships, it starts with challenging your fears around vulnerability. 

Here are a few ways to do that:

• Voice your wants, needs, and desires in your relationship
• Lean into challenging conversations that need to be discussed
• Love and accept yourself as you are (warts and all)
• Learn to embrace the discomfort
• Be honest about your fears and insecurities

Explore healing strategies

Emotional unavailability is a mental roadblock. While it may be a good idea to seek the help of a professional if it’s severe enough, there are things you can do on your own or with your partner. 

Introduce a few healing strategies and mindfulness practices into your life. You could explore meditation, boundary setting, journaling, or even hiking to open yourself up to your feelings and emotions. 

Explore your options and see what sticks.

Seek professional support

If you feel it’s necessary or that you could benefit from therapy, go for it. Research proves that regular therapy sessions help reduce chaotic brain activity to normal levels, which can improve depression and other mental health issues.^[9]

As a result, therapy, counseling, or some type of professional guidance could be the right move to becoming more emotionally available.

Conclusion

Steering a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man can be challenging. 

But with the proper tips and suggestions, it can work, provided he’s open to growth and change. So, practice patience and be aware of how being with this type of individual will affect your relationship life.

For more information about being in a relationship, check out the link.

FAQs

What makes men emotionally unavailable?

Men can become emotionally unavailable due to past relationships or heartbreak, an upbringing in which emotions were suppressed, or even a simple lack of emotional intelligence. In extreme cases, emotional unavailability can be caused by trauma or a mental health condition. 

How does an emotionally unavailable person act?

An emotionally unavailable person may act aloof or closed off. They won’t communicate their feelings and they may come off as unempathetic. Intimacy is difficult for the emotionally unavailable person to achieve.

Do emotionally unavailable people fall in love?

Yes, emotionally unavailable people fall in love. However, it’s important to know that relationships with these individuals will be harder and take more effort to maintain. This is due to their aloof demeanor and unlikeliness to express or accept emotions.

Is being emotionally unavailable a red flag?

Yes, being emotionally unavailable is a red flag. It can lead to other problems, such as a lack of commitment or intimacy. People in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person may feel lonely and unfulfilled, and the relationship may progress slower than it would with an emotionally intelligent person.

References

1. Williams, L. (2023). What it means to be emotionally unavailable — and what to do if it’s affecting your relationship. Everyday Health.
https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/are-you-love-with-emotionally-unavailable-man

2. De Netto, P. M., Quek, K. F., & Golden, K. J. (2021). Communication, the heart of a relationship: Examining capitalization, accommodation, and self-construal on relationship satisfaction. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 767908.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908

3. Baumeister, R., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychology Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497

4. Verhofstadt, L., Devoldre, I., Buysse, A., Stevens, M., Hinnekens, C., Ickes, W., Davis, M. (2016). The role of cognitive and affective empathy in spouses’ support interactions: An observational study. PLoS One, 11(2), e0149944.
https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0149944

5. Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2013). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275–293.
https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072

6. Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. New Harbinger Publications.

7. Belu, C. F., Lee, B. H., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2016). It hurts to let you go: Characteristics of romantic relationships, breakups and the aftermath among emerging adults. Journal of Relationships Research, 7, e11.
https://doi.org/10.1017/jrr.2016.11

8. Narcissistic personality disorder. (2023). Mayo Clinic.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

9. Wiswede, D., Taubner, S., Buchheim, A., Münte, T., Stasch, M., Cierpka, M., Kächele, H., Roth, G., Erhard, P., Kessler, H. (2014). Tracking functional brain changes in patients with depression under psychodynamic psychotherapy using individualized stimuli. PLoS One, 9(10), e109037.
https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0109037

Everyone loves answering deep, thought-provoking questions about themselves. It’s an opportunity to create rapport, establish an authentic connection, and learn more about the other person. 

So, if you’re looking for creative questions to spark deep, meaningful, or entertaining conversations, I’ve got you covered.

Provocative Questions 

• If anything really is possible, what’s your highest priority? If anything really is possible, what’s your highest priority?
• Does the life you currently live make you proud or aching for more? Does the life you currently live make you proud or aching for more?
• How often do you challenge your mindset or beliefs? How often do you challenge your mindset or beliefs?
• In your opinion, what’s the biggest contributor to why people break up? In your opinion, what’s the biggest contributor to why people break up?
• Would you say your relationships are unconditional or more transaction-based? Would you say your relationships are unconditional or more transaction-based?
• What are your best “tactics” for handling relationship conflicts? Are they effective or not? What are your best “tactics” for handling relationship conflicts? Are they effective or not?
• Is it better to be loved or respected?  Is it better to be loved or respected? 
• Is it ever okay to lie to someone, and if so, under what context? Is it ever okay to lie to someone, and if so, under what context?
• What’s something you’ve wanted to do for years but haven’t committed to yet, and why? What’s something you’ve wanted to do for years but haven’t committed to yet, and why?
• What do you want your life to look like in 5 to 10 years, and what are you doing now to make it happen? What do you want your life to look like in 5 to 10 years, and what are you doing now to make it happen?

Provocative questions are supposed to open up your thinking by creating possibilities. As a result, they create engaging conversations while also helping you look more deeply at life and what you believe about it.

Deep Thought-Provoking Questions

• Do you think we’re becoming more or less civilized with the arrival of social media, AI, and advanced technology? Do you think we’re becoming more or less civilized with the arrival of social media, AI, and advanced technology?
• </code>What are your core values in life?<code> </code>What are your core values in life?<code>
• Are we too reliant on the internet and technology? Are we too reliant on the internet and technology?
• What do you think happens after we die? What do you think happens after we die?
• What is the meaning of life? How would you define it? What is the meaning of life? How would you define it?
• Do you think science can reveal all things, or are there certain things about life and the world that we’ll never know? Do you think science can reveal all things, or are there certain things about life and the world that we’ll never know?
• Would you say it’s better to seek truth or happiness? Would you say it’s better to seek truth or happiness?
• Are certain influences of your upbringing permanent, or can they be changed? Are certain influences of your upbringing permanent, or can they be changed?
• What do you think defines you more: success or failure? What do you think defines you more: success or failure?
• Do you think pain and suffering are a requirement for growth? Do you think pain and suffering are a requirement for growth?
• Do people have a moral responsibility for how they use the internet? Do people have a moral responsibility for how they use the internet?

You don’t need a degree in philosophy to ask these deep thought-provoking questions. All you have to do is be a good listener. These are the kinds of questions that will really help you get to know someone on a deeper level.

Fun Thought-Provoking Questions

• A genie comes, grants you a superpower of your choice, but you only have 24 hours with this superpower. What superpower would you choose, and what would you do with it? A genie comes, grants you a superpower of your choice, but you only have 24 hours with this superpower. What superpower would you choose, and what would you do with it?
• If you had the ability to communicate with intelligent alien life what would you tell them about the human race?
• If robots, machines, and AI replaced all human jobs, forcing the government to subsidize your salary and giving you complete freedom, what would you do for the rest of your life? If robots, machines, and AI replaced all human jobs, forcing the government to subsidize your salary and giving you complete freedom, what would you do for the rest of your life?
• If a fortune teller gave you the ability to see the future, would you want to know everything or would you keep it a mystery? If a fortune teller gave you the ability to see the future, would you want to know everything or would you keep it a mystery?
• Would you put your full faith in a self-driving car? Would you put your full faith in a self-driving car?
• Who would you haunt if you died and came back as a ghost? Who would you haunt if you died and came back as a ghost?
• Would you rather explore the depths of the ocean or the far reaches of space? Would you rather explore the depths of the ocean or the far reaches of space?
• Would you rather have the ability to read people’s minds or communicate with animals? Would you rather have the ability to read people’s minds or communicate with animals?
• If you had to pick between an alien invasion or a zombie apocalypse, which one would you choose and why? If you had to pick between an alien invasion or a zombie apocalypse, which one would you choose and why?
• Would you rather be a virtuoso musician or a business tycoon? Would you rather be a virtuoso musician or a business tycoon?

Deep and provocative, thought-provoking questions are fine, but life is too short not to have fun. You can lighten up the mood a bit with these playful and fun thought-provoking questions.

Deep Psychological Questions

• How much of your identity do you think is truly your own or is influenced by others? How much of your identity do you think is truly your own or is influenced by others?
• What are your biggest insecurities, and how have they impacted your life? What are your biggest insecurities, and how have they impacted your life?
• How do you properly manage failure and the accompanying feelings of inadequacy? How do you properly manage failure and the accompanying feelings of inadequacy?
• Is the relationship you have with yourself healthy? Why or why not? Is the relationship you have with yourself healthy? Why or why not?
• Do you have a bad habit you want to change but haven’t? If so, why not? Do you have a bad habit you want to change but haven’t? If so, why not?
• Do you allow yourself to be present with your emotions, or do you try to suppress them? Do you allow yourself to be present with your emotions, or do you try to suppress them?
• Is trusting others easy or difficult for you? What has brought you to that outcome? Is trusting others easy or difficult for you? What has brought you to that outcome?
• </code>How do you know when a relationship has run its course? And how do you let go?<code> </code>How do you know when a relationship has run its course? And how do you let go?<code>
• How do you create and set personal boundaries in your relationships? How do you create and set personal boundaries in your relationships?
• What do you do during times of burnout or low motivation? What do you do during times of burnout or low motivation?

Deep psychological questions aren’t meant to “interrogate” them. Instead, they are great ways to inspire some introspection. 

Random Thought-Provoking Questions

• Should you seek security or follow your passion in life? Should you seek security or follow your passion in life?
• What does personal and professional success look like to you? What does personal and professional success look like to you?
• Do you think you’d have the same hobbies, interests, quirks, and idiosyncrasies if you were born in a different country and culture? Do you think you’d have the same hobbies, interests, quirks, and idiosyncrasies if you were born in a different country and culture?
• What would the younger version of yourself think of the person you are today? What would the younger version of yourself think of the person you are today?
• What part of your personality do other people misunderstand most frequently? What part of your personality do other people misunderstand most frequently?
• Do you trust your own intuition? Why or why not? Do you trust your own intuition? Why or why not?
• If you only had one sentence to say to the one person you love the most in life, what would that sentence be? If you only had one sentence to say to the one person you love the most in life, what would that sentence be?
• Is it better to be in love or have compatibility in a romantic relationship? Is it better to be in love or have compatibility in a romantic relationship?
• Do you believe in love at first sight or is it a Hollywood fairy tale? Do you believe in love at first sight or is it a Hollywood fairy tale?
• If you could create a new holiday, what would it be, and how would people celebrate it? If you could create a new holiday, what would it be, and how would people celebrate it?
• If you could spend the day with any historical figure (dead or alive), who would it be, and what would you do? If you could spend the day with any historical figure (dead or alive), who would it be, and what would you do?

A random, thought-provoking question can start a new conversation thread that leads to unexpected directions. For this reason, they are perfect for rapport building, awkward moments, or just to fill the silence.

Good Thought-Provoking Questions

• Who is someone in your life you have a lot of respect for, and why do you admire them so much? Who is someone in your life you have a lot of respect for, and why do you admire them so much?
• In what areas of life do you struggle with the most? What are you doing to overcome those struggles? In what areas of life do you struggle with the most? What are you doing to overcome those struggles?
• Are there any inequality or social justice issues that get you fired up? Are there any inequality or social justice issues that get you fired up?
• What is your most notable and admirable quality? What is your most notable and admirable quality?
• What’s a big goal you’ve been holding yourself back from accomplishing? What’s a big goal you’ve been holding yourself back from accomplishing?
• What was your favorite part about growing up? What was your favorite part about growing up?
• Does unconditional love exist in all relationships, or are there exceptions? Does unconditional love exist in all relationships, or are there exceptions?
• What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned from a relationship? What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned from a relationship?
• Is it better to work a job you love with low pay or a job you hate with great pay? Is it better to work a job you love with low pay or a job you hate with great pay?
• What do you do when you have to make a difficult decision? What do you do when you have to make a difficult decision?
• Who are your greatest influences/inspirations in life? Who are your greatest influences/inspirations in life?
• </code>How do you overcome heartbreak?<code> </code>How do you overcome heartbreak?<code>

Good thought-provoking questions can reveal personal insights and hidden beliefs. But more than that, they’re also great for creating interesting conversations.

Thought-Provoking Questions for Him

• What makes you feel insecure as a man? What makes you feel insecure as a man?
• Fast forward 10 years into the future, what would the ideal life look like? Fast forward 10 years into the future, what would the ideal life look like?
• </code>Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? What did you learn from it?<code> </code>Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? What did you learn from it?<code>
• What’s your longest relationship, and why did it end? What’s your longest relationship, and why did it end?
• Have you gone to therapy to heal your childhood trauma? Have you gone to therapy to heal your childhood trauma?
• Do you believe society places unrealistic expectations on men today? Do you believe society places unrealistic expectations on men today?
• Do you practice self-care, and if so, what do you do? Do you practice self-care, and if so, what do you do?
• How do you balance your career with having a life? How do you balance your career with having a life?
• What are your deal-breakers in a relationship? What are your deal-breakers in a relationship?
• Are you comfortable with your emotions? Are you comfortable with your emotions?
• What was the hardest period you’ve ever been through? How did that experience shape and mold you into who you are today? What was the hardest period you’ve ever been through? How did that experience shape and mold you into who you are today?
• What are your thoughts and beliefs around vulnerability? What are your thoughts and beliefs around vulnerability?
• Do you talk about your problems or bottle them up? Do you talk about your problems or bottle them up?
• What was the most humbling experience of your life? What was the most humbling experience of your life?
• What’s the longest friendship you’ve had? Are you still friends? What’s the longest friendship you’ve had? Are you still friends?
• If you could do over one part of your life, what would you do differently? If you could do over one part of your life, what would you do differently?

Even the “strong, silent” types like talking about themselves, provided they’re answering interesting questions. Here are some thought-provoking questions for him that will get the conversation flowing in an insightful direction.

Thought-Provoking Questions for Couples

• What are some goals we can accomplish together as a couple? What are some goals we can accomplish together as a couple?
• Would you ever want to live in a different country someday? Would you ever want to live in a different country someday?
• How can we grow together while still making progress toward our individual goals? How can we grow together while still making progress toward our individual goals?
• When did you realize I was the one for you? When did you realize I was the one for you?
• What can we do to nurture our relationship? What can we do to nurture our relationship?
• Do you feel loved and supported in our relationship? If not, what can I do to make you feel that way? Do you feel loved and supported in our relationship? If not, what can I do to make you feel that way?
• What is our relationship about, and how do you see it growing in the future? What is our relationship about, and how do you see it growing in the future?
• What are the main priorities within our relationship, and how will we honor those? What are the main priorities within our relationship, and how will we honor those?
• What are some little things I can do to make you feel more appreciated? What are some little things I can do to make you feel more appreciated?
• What memory stands out the most to you about our relationship and why? What memory stands out the most to you about our relationship and why?
• What makes our relationship different from other couples? What makes our relationship different from other couples?

These thought-provoking questions for couples will help you get a better understanding of your relationship dynamics. Whether it’s future goals, love and commitment, or emotional connection, quality questions can help improve the quality of your relationship.

Conclusion

Think of thought-provoking questions as the pull cord that throws the curtain back, revealing more of the person you’re with. So, use these questions to gain more insight and a better understanding. 

Looking for more information about being in a relationship? Click the link!

It’s easy to get lost in the mental gyrations of the day-to-day nuances of a relationship. Do you want to know how to stop overthinking everything? 

It’s easier said than done, I suppose. But there are some tips you can try to get a handle on your thoughts.

How to Stop Overthinking Everything

Despite the neurosis of irrational fears, it is possible to stop overthinking your relationship. All you need is a few simple strategies that will help you manage fear, feel more secure in your own skin, and teach you how to not overthink. And the best part is that these tips are easy to use. 

It’s important to note, though, that overthinking is often a symptom of the larger problem of anxiety, which can affect many aspects of your life. You may even notice your anxiety affects your relationship. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that a quarter (25%) of women are living with an anxiety disorder.

If you think your overthinking may be a symptom of an anxiety disorder, it’s important that you speak to a doctor or mental health professional.

In the meantime, here are some steps to start managing a tendency to overthink your relationship.

1. Give him the benefit of the doubt

It’s easy to jump to conclusions when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations.

You feel neglected when he starts spending more time at work than with you. You feel threatened when he seems a little too friendly with that cute hostess. You feel taken for granted when he didn’t thank you for cooking his favorite meal. 

And while your feelings are all valid, they don’t help when it comes to overthinking relationship anxiety. So, give him the benefit of the doubt. If you have trust issues from a difficult childhood or past relationship, this will take work. But if you can rationalize your way into a spiral, you can rationalize your way out of it.

Maybe he’s working longer hours to get a big promotion to build a better life with you. Maybe he thought he was having a genuinely innocent exchange with that waitress. Maybe he was exhausted and showing gratitude for your home-cooked meal completely slipped his mind.

Now, I’m not saying that everything he does should be permissible. But if you want to stop overthinking your relationship, it starts with giving him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to these nuances. 

Of course, if these behaviors turn into recurring patterns, that’s another discussion. 

However, if these are one-off instances, assume it was an innocent occurrence and let it go. One of the things men want in a relationship is empathy, from someone who is easygoing, so you have to pick your battles wisely.

2. Communicate clearly with him

Clear communication is probably the best way to fix overthinking. Effective communication unifies the disjointed parts of your relationship. It allows you to express your frustrations and, more importantly, needs, putting both of you on the same page. 

In fact, researchers studying positive relationships conclude that communicative couples had higher relational satisfaction. De Netto et al. calls communication “the bedrock or the ‘heart’ in supporting and promoting relationship satisfaction.” ^[1]

So, one of the best ways to stop overthinking in a relationship might simply be to have a more open dialogue. Sit him down and be honest and open about your boundaries and vulnerabilities. 

If you are both willing to open up and be transparent, communication can build a foundation for a healthy relationship.

3. Practice mindfulness to examine your feelings

You can stop overthinking your relationship by assessing why you have these obsessive thoughts in the first place. Many times, we shrug off this kind of self-reflection as a “woo-woo” practice. All you’re missing is the mountain-top seclusion with crystal healing and chakra balancing, right? 

But self-assessments don’t always involve drastic measures. In fact, they often involve simple practices, like journaling or meditation — allowing yourself to feel your feelings in the moment. Mindfulness is great for uncovering hidden beliefs that affect your behavior in unsuspecting ways. 

Schuman-Olivier et al. conducted a study on mindfulness at Harvard Medical School, and their findings revealed a strong connection between mindful self-assessments and behavior change.

They write that paying attention and staying curious and kind “allow greater goal-driven control based on values, increased levels of internalized motivation, greater access to intrinsic motivation, and less reliance on stimulus-driven conditioning.”^[2]

That is to say, when you practice mindfulness, you feel your feelings without attempting to stifle or judge them, and as a result you become more aware of external influences and better at not letting them control you.

4. Fill your time with something fun

The secret to not overthinking everything is to get busy doing something else. You can become your own worst enemy if you have too much time on your hands. For this reason, it can be really helpful to do something — anything — to get your mind off of things. 

Spend some time with your besties, join a book club, or volunteer with a charity you believe in. Focus on building quality time with your partner, trying new things together and getting to know one another on a deeper level. 

You’d be surprised at how small some of your problems become when you get outside of your own head and into the world. When this happens, you quickly realize that many of the “problems” in your relationship were just figments of your imagination blown a little too much out of proportion.

Now, of course, if there are some genuine problems in your relationship, that’s another thing; however, sometimes, taking time for yourself can help put things into perspective. 

5. Identify your fears

Fear sucks. It can put you in a tailspin of irrational thought when it rears its ugly head, and that can slam the brakes on your relationship in countless ways, like overthinking everything.

Without pinpointing and highlighting the fears that are causing your relationship anxiety, it will be hard to get peace of mind. But often, you can address your fears just by shining a light on and acknowledging them.

Here are some of the most common fears:

• Fear of rejection
• Fear of infidelity or betrayal 
• Fear that we’re not good enough
• Fear we won’t be loved
• Fear of losing attraction
• Fear of commitment or losing the relationship

Identifying your fears can help you to stop overthinking your relationship. In fact, research suggests that naming your fears may help alleviate them. 

A study at UCLA revealed that verbalizing (giving a name to) your fears can help reduce their intensity. Lieberman et al. explain, “When you put feelings into words, you seem to be hitting the brakes on your emotional responses. . . . Putting our feelings into words helps us heal better.”^[3]

So, the next time you’re overthinking your relationship . . . stop. Breathe. Name the feeling and call it out for what it is: a fleeting emotion that’s just passing through.

6. Control the controllables

The reality is you can’t control your partner’s behavior. So, bending yourself into an emotional pretzel over his actions is a lost cause. 

What you can control are your own perception and actions. And honestly? Those two controllables are your secret weapons when it comes to how to stop overthinking your relationship. 

In fact, in his seminal book, The Enchiridion, Greek philosopher Epictetus writes, “We control only our own actions and perceptions. Work, therefore to be able to say to every harsh appearance, ‘You are but an appearance, and not absolutely the thing you appear to be.’”^[4]

In other words, you get to determine what your circumstances mean by the story you tell yourself about them.

Instead, focus on controlling your internal dialogue so your attempts to fix the problem are based on reason rather than anxiety.

7. Talk to a professional

While it’s crucial to clearly communicate with your man, seeking professional help is also a great way to stop overthinking your relationship. 

A therapist or counselor can help you work through any past trauma or grief that may be causing this constant relationship anxiety. And the truth is that — even though he may love you to pieces — your man probably doesn’t know how to help you unpack your emotional baggage. 

Like trying to run a marathon in sandals, he just may not have the right “equipment.” For this reason, talking to a professional could be the next best thing to help you to stop overthinking your relationship. 

Why Do I Overthink So Much in My Relationship? 

Overthinking relationship anxiety can strip the fun out of romance. But more than that, if left unaddressed, it could even result in the end of your relationship. Here are a few common reasons you may be overthinking everything. 

Lack of trust

If you’re constantly on edge, second-guessing your relationship, it could be a lack of trust.

And this can come from numerous places. Maybe it was your upbringing, if you were exposed to infidelity early in life by your parents. Or it could be past negative experiences from previous relationships. Whatever the case, trusting your partner can feel like an uphill battle if you haven’t dealt with that trauma. 

Consciously, you may know that you can’t paint every man with the same brush; however, your emotions aren’t logical. 

So, if you struggle with trusting your partner when there’s no evidence that warrants that kind of suspicion, consider counseling or therapy to help you work through and sort out those hangups.

Insecurity and low self-worth

No judgment here; we all deal with this to some degree. 

However, if insecurity and low self-worth are getting in the way of a healthy relationship, then they should be addressed. Learning to love, value, and accept yourself could be one of the best ways to stop overthinking your relationship. 

And experts agree. In fact, a 2014 study by the American Psychology Association revealed that high self-worth is one of the major variables for relationship satisfaction.

Authors Erol and Orth explain that their findings “suggest that higher initial levels of self-esteem predict a higher initial level of relationship satisfaction, and, more importantly, that positive changes in self-esteem predict positive change in relationship satisfaction.”^[5]

So, even if you came into the relationship thinking you’re a trash can, and you find your relationship struggling as a result, if you build up your self-esteem, your relationship can improve as a result.

Unrealistic expectations of your relationship

Movies, TV, and music have brainwashed us to believe an idyllic (and often, unrealistic) view of relationships. 

You often see in these entertainment mediums that once you find “The One,” you’ll magically ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. But the truth is that relationships go beyond “winning over” that special someone. 

In fact, real relationships don’t “officially” start until that honeymoon phase is over. 

If you’re wondering why you’re overthinking your relationship, it may be because you have unrealistic expectations that are not being met. The key is to let go of what Hollywood says a relationship should be and focus on what it actually is. 

The reality is that both of you are flawed people in an imperfect relationship. And the two of you have the shared privilege to improve that relationship through work and commitment. And truth be told, that’s a lot better than a fabricated, make-believe fairy tale anyway!

How to Apologize for Overthinking in a Relationship 

If your overly analytical mind has gotten you into some hot water with your man, sometimes the best solution is a simple apology. Here are a few ways to say sorry.

Take responsibility

If you messed up, you just gotta own it. 

Taking full responsibility for your actions clears the air, relieves the tension in your relationship, and can help heal hurt feelings. For this reason, simply acknowledging where you went wrong and then owning up to it is a great starting point. 

The key here is to apologize authentically; no blame-shifting, noncommittal sorrys, please. 

Communicate how you’ll improve

An apology without change isn’t much of an apology at all — it’s just lip service.

The best way to communicate that your apology means something is to back it up with how you’ll improve. You don’t need to create a spreadsheet with all your behavioral upgrades. Simply letting your man know what you’ll do differently the next time you feel triggered will go a long way. 

It can also be helpful to communicate to him what he could do differently long-term to help reduce your anxious feelings. After all, relationships are a two-way street. 

Actually do it

If you’re serious about taking control of your anxiety and ending your webs of overthinking, you’ll actually do it. You’ll do the work. 

Meditate. Exercise. Work on your hobbies, schedule quality time. If you promise things to your partner and you don’t deliver, the damage to your relationship will be worse than if you haven’t promised anything in the first place.

Signs of Overthinking in a Relationship 

You may not always be aware that you’re overanalyzing your relationship. For this reason, here are a few of the most common indicators. 

Constant need for reassurance

If you find yourself texting your man needy questions like “Do you think I’m pretty?” “Are we okay?” “Why haven’t you texted me back?” or the classic “Do you still love me?” then you’re definitely overthinking things.

This constant need for reassurance may be cute at first, but it can get old really quick, even for the most patient of guys. 

Overeagerness to please

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do nice things for your man. In fact, respecting your partner’s needs in a relationship is crucial; however, like anything, it’s all about balance. If you’re always sacrificing your needs to meet his, that creates a lopsided relationship. 

This overcompensation will eventually cause burnout and resentment on your part and a lack of attraction and respect on his.

Overanalyzing every interaction 

If every verbal exchange turns into an analytical experiment with you dissecting his every word, that’s not a good sign.

It’s normal to go over conversations; everyone does that whether they’re in a relationship or not. However, diving into the nitty-gritty details with a fine-tooth comb to pinpoint the one minor “offense” that makes you come unglued is not a healthy mindset. 

And it’s definitely a sign that you’re overthinking your relationship. 

Conclusion

While it may be challenging at first, practicing how to stop overthinking everything becomes easier over time and eventually you’ll forget you were ever a chronic overthinker.

Ok, maybe not. 

But learning these tips and tricks can save you a lot of pain and heartache, and possibly even your relationship. 

For more information about being in a relationship, check out the link!

FAQs

What causes overthinking in relationships?

Overthinking in relationships is typically caused by insecurity and self-doubt. The more you doubt your own value, the more you’ll think that others doubt it, too. Different types of anxiety can also contribute to overthinking. Talking things out with a friend or therapist can help.

How do I stop overthinking about my boyfriend?

To stop overthinking about your boyfriend, build up your self-worth and internal validation. Spend time with friends and family, engage in your hobbies and interests, and create a life outside of your relationship so that your boyfriend isn’t your sole focus. 

Do overthinkers sabotage relationships?

Yes, overthinkers can sabotage relationships. Their incessant overanalyzing can place unnecessary pressure on not only themselves but their partners as well. This can put a strain on the relationship as a whole and, if the overthinking is not addressed, could end the relationship. It can also help identify areas where a relationship needs work. It all depends on the people involved.

References

1. De Netto, P. M., Quek, K. F., & Golden, K. J. (2021). Communication, the heart of a relationship: Examining capitalization, accommodation, and self-construal on relationship satisfaction. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 767908.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908 

2. Schuman-Olivier, Z., Trombka, M., Lovas, D. A., Brewer, J. A., Vago, D. R., Gawande, R., Dunne, J. P., Lazar, S. W., Loucks, E. B., & Fulwiler, C. (2020). Mindfulness and behavior change. Harvard Review of Psychiatry 28(6), 371–394.
https://doi.org/10.1097/HRP.0000000000000277

3. Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421-428.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x

4. Epictetus. (2009). Enchiridion. In G. Long (Ed.), The discourses of Epictetus: With the Enchiridion and fragments (E. Carter, Trans., pp. 135–147). Oxford University Press.

5. Erol, R. Y., & Orth, U. (2014). Development of self-esteem and relationship satisfaction in couples: Two longitudinal studies. Developmental Psychology, 50(9), 2291–2303.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037370