Domestic violence dismantles a woman’s sense of self, autonomy, and hope. As a friend, you possess the most powerful weapon against this invisible oppression: strategic compassion.

Immediate help:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline:
  If you or someone you know is in danger or needs confidential support, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. You can also chat online at https://www.thehotline.org/. Advocates are available 24/7 to provide assistance, create safety plans, and connect you with resources.
• Call 911: In the event of immediate danger of physical harm or death, do not hesitate to call 911 (or the appropriate emergency services number in your locale).

1. Create a safe, nonjudgmental space of trust

Supporting a friend who is in an abusive situation means completely unlearning everything you think you know about helping.

This type of support is particularly difficult because survivors of intimate partner violence (IPV) may feel trapped or ashamed. Pressuring them or showing frustration with their predicament can make them feel even more isolated. Abuse operates like a maze, where every exit is blocked and every path leads back to trauma.

• Use language that emphasizes her agency: “What would feel supportive to you right now?”
• Learn about complex trauma responses, like hypervigilance, dissociation, and emotional numbing.
• Avoid giving ultimatums or imposing your solutions; instead, empower her to make her own choices at her own pace.
• Read our article about dating violence for more information.

2. Recognize subtle abuse patterns

Domestic violence exists on a sophisticated spectrum far beyond physical violence. 

To recognize patterns of abuse, here are some warning signs to watch out for:

• Financial control: Abusers often control money, limit job opportunities, or even restrict access to bank accounts. If someone is making it hard for your friend to access money, or if they control her spending and employment options, it could be a harbinger of abuse.
• Emotional manipulation: Look out for subtle emotional tactics like gaslighting (making someone doubt their memory or sanity), constant criticism, or blame-shifting. Erratic mood swings, love bombing, and guilt-tripping are also types of emotional manipulation.
• Jealousy and possessiveness: Extreme jealousy or possessiveness is another warning sign of abuse. An abuser might accuse their partner of cheating or overreact to harmless situations. This behavior often starts out subtle but escalates quickly.
• Controlling behavior: An abusive partner will try to wield control over their victim, including who their friends are, where they go, what they wear, and more. 
• Physical threats or aggression: Even if the abuse isn’t physical yet, any threats of harm or aggression should be taken seriously. 

3. Develop a detailed safety plan

Your friend’s survival might depend on a plan so precise it reads like a military strategy. A safety plan isn’t a generic checklist but a personalized survival blueprint. Each plan must account for unique circumstances, potential escalation triggers, and available support networks.

• Encourage her to document the abuse.
• Pick two or three ways she can leave.
• Help her choose one or two people she trusts and agree on a code word for emergencies. 
• Hide cash or open a secret account. Even a little helps. 
• Learn how to get a restraining order or legal help fast. 

4. Understand the emotional complexities of IPV

Healing from abuse isn’t linear — it’s a multidimensional journey through complex psychological landscapes. Survivors experience a whole emotional ecosystem involving trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome, and profound cognitive dissonance. Understanding these psychological mechanisms transforms your support from well-intentioned to strategically empathetic.

• Read up on PTSD and how to help those living with it.
• Ask about triggers and respect her boundaries. Offer reassurance without pressuring her to talk. 
• Encourage her to seek therapy from a licensed professional.

5. Use technology to your friend’s advantage rather than her detriment

A simple smartphone could either be the most dangerous weapon in an abuser’s arsenal or your friend’s strongest defense.

Abusers often use smartphones to isolate, monitor, and control their victims, turning every message, app, or call into a tool of manipulation. For survivors of abuse, the same device can be a lifeline, offering a way to document the abuse, access help, and regain a sense of autonomy.

• Abusers can use tracking or location-sharing features to monitor their victim’s every move.
• Abusers can send relentless texts or calls to harass, intimidate, or maintain control.
• Abusers can post or threaten to post private photos or information as a form of blackmail.
• Survivors can record conversations, take photos, or save threatening messages as evidence.
• Survivors can use secure messaging apps and change passwords frequently to block unauthorized access.
• Survivors can reach out to hotlines, shelters, or online forums for advice and immediate help.

6. Know when to involve the authorities

When your friend is in an abusive relationship, knowing when to involve the authorities is not as black and white as you might think. One’s immediate, knee-jerk opinion is to involve the police right away. But your friend may not want this, and in some cases, it can make her situation worse.

On the other hand, waiting too long to act can put your friend’s life in greater danger. Abusers can become increasingly violent, and what starts as verbal or emotional abuse may escalate to physical harm.

Here are some critical signs it’s time to involve the authorities:

• Direct threats to life: If the abuser has threatened to kill your friend, their children, or themselves, this is a red flag that immediate action is necessary.
• Visible injuries or signs of assault: Bruises, cuts, or repeated “accidents” could indicate that the abuse is physical and escalating.
• Access to weapons: If the abuser has weapons or has mentioned using them, your friend’s life is in immediate danger.
• Isolation attempts: When the abuser cuts your friend off from family, friends, or financial resources, they may be setting the stage for more extreme violence.

7. Protect your own emotional bandwidth

Supporting a survivor doesn’t mean becoming a martyr. Compassion fatigue is real, and supporting a friend through domestic violence requires strategic emotional management to prevent personal burnout and maintain sustainable support. 

To be an effective ally, you must also care for yourself.

• Establish clear emotional boundaries.
• Seek secondary trauma support and counseling.
• Develop personal stress management techniques, such as writing in a journal or meditating. 
• Connect with support networks for secondary survivors.

Why Do Victims Stay in Abusive Relationships?

Every year, millions of women find themselves trapped in the suffocating grip of IPV while their loved ones look on, helpless, wondering why they won’t leave. IPV survivors who stay in abusive relationships do so for myriad reasons: 

• Fear of what will happen if they leave: Abusers use threats of violence to keep them terrified, making escape feel impossible.
• Economic dependency: Abusers control finances, leaving victims with no money, no job, and no way out.
• Emotional manipulation: Abusers gaslight victims, making them doubt their own reality.
• Children: Many victims stay because they fear losing custody or hurting their kids emotionally. 
• Cultural or religious pressure: In some communities, leaving a partner is seen as shameful. Religious beliefs about forgiveness or obedience are often used to guilt victims into staying.
• Isolation: Abusers cut off victims from friends and family, leaving them alone. With no one to turn to, victims feel stuck with no way out.
• Trauma bonding: Abusers mix abuse with kindness, creating an emotional trap.
• Shame: Victims often blame themselves for the abuse and fear judgment if they leave. 
• Low self-esteem: Abuse destroys self-worth. Victims feel they don’t deserve better or believe no one else will want them, making it harder to leave.
• Hoping they’ll change: Victims believe their abuser will change. They hold onto good memories, ignoring the abuse, and stay in the cycle, hoping it gets better.

Your Next Steps

Supporting a friend through domestic abuse requires patience, empathy, and a deep commitment to their safety and healing. Remember that your consistent, nonjudgmental presence can be a powerful catalyst for change, offering hope and a pathway to recovery.

Make sure you know the warning signs of abuse so you can offer help and support as soon as possible.

But like your friend, you’re not invincible. Be careful and don’t hesitate to seek outside help if things grow stressful or dangerous.

Our guides to relationship abuse can help you and your friend navigate this difficult time.

Frequently Asked Questions

References

1. Barnes, M., Barter, C., Herbert, A., Heron, J., Feder, G. & Szilassy, E. (2024). Young people and intimate partner violence: Experiences of institutional support and services in England. Journal of Family Violence, 39, 1609–1621. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-023-00591-x

2. Dekeseredy, W. & Schwartz, M. (1993). Male peer support and woman abuse: An expansion of Dekeseredy’s model. Sociological Spectrum, 13, 393–413. https://doi.org/10.1080/02732173.1993.9982041 

3. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (2020). Domestic violence. https://assets.speakcdn.com/assets/2497/domestic_violence-2020080709350855.pdf?1596811079991.

4. PenzeyMoog, E. & Slakoff, D. (2021). As technology evolves, so does domestic violence: Modern-day tech abuse and possible solutions. Sociology of Crime & Law, 643–662. https://doi.org/10.1108/978-1-83982-848-520211047

5. Green, A. A., & Kinchen, E. V. (2021). The effects of mindfulness meditation on stress and burnout in nurses. Journal of Holistic Nursing, 39(4), 356–368. https://doi.org/10.1177/08980101211015818

6. Chang, J. C., Dado, D., Hawker, L., Cluss, P. A., Buranosky, R., Slagel, L., McNeil, M., & Scholle, S. H. (2010). Understanding turning points in intimate partner violence: Factors and circumstances leading women victims toward change. Journal of Women’s Health, 19(2), 251–259. https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2009.1568

Emotional blackmail turns love into a game of control. One moment you feel valued, the next you have to walk on eggshells, fearing your partner’s anger.

By recognizing the signs, you can take back your power and stop letting your partner control the narrative.

1. Ultimatums are their modus operandi.

Imagine the person you love suddenly turning that love into a threat.

“If you don’t do this, I’ll leave you,” they might say, or “You’ll regret this when I’m gone.” 

Ultimatums leverage your feelings to manipulate your actions, resulting in anxiety and physical symptoms, such as headaches, and constant fear. I remember a friend, let’s call her Maria, sobbing over her partner’s threats to end things unless she quit her dream job. She caved, and the resentment lingered.

If your partner is using ultimatums to manipulate you, call them out.

• Explain relationship rights and responsibilities to your partner and let them know your expectations when it comes to them.
• Seek a calm conversation and say, “I don’t want our relationship to be built on threats.”
• Talk to your partner about the different types of healthy boundaries and why they’re important.
• Look to professional couples counseling to break the cycle of manipulation.
• Some manipulators won’t stop. For help, read How to Leave a Toxic Relationship.

2. Guilt-tripping and shaming are everyday occurrences.

Your free will and self-esteem are at stake with this insidious tactic.

“If you really cared, you’d do this for me” or “You’re so selfish; can’t you see how much you’re hurting me?” they’ll say, making you question your worthiness of love. 

An emotional blackmailer knows how to make you feel small and unworthy, how to make you question every decision. I once stayed in a friendship where I was always “too busy” for them, or so they said. Every time I stood up for myself, I felt like the villain. It took years to see that their friendship came with strings attached. 

To rise up from the dregs of a guilt-tripping partner, always ask yourself, “Is this guilt about their legitimate needs or their need for control?” If it’s the latter, read this article: 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags. You won’t regret it.

If your partner isn’t toxic, they may just have lingering issues with attachment, either from their childhood or a traumatic relationship. Learn more about attachment theory to help your partner heal from these experiences and have a healthy relationship.

3. The silent treatment is a frequent tactic amid conflict.

The most devastating arguments are the ones where no words are spoken.

My friend’s husband once went weeks without speaking to her after an argument. She’d beg for answers but he remained a wall of silence, forcing her to grovel. She only told a few of us, but those of us she told were shocked. This sort of behavior can shatter any trust left in your relationship and damage your ability to function in a healthy relationship later.

Refuse to play the game. Say, “I’m ready to talk when you are, but I won’t beg.” Don’t let their silence dictate your worth. Engage in self-care activities that reinforce your sense of self. If they persistently use silent treatment, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. 

4. Withholding affection leads to feelings of disconnection.

Can Frozen come true? Can the warmth that once melted your heart suddenly turn into an emotional arctic freeze?

Once, your partner held you, caressed you, and spoke to you in a way that made you feel special. Suddenly they’ve pulled away, withholding the hugs, the kisses, the warmth that you cherished because of some perceived transgression they hold against you unreasonably. 

You’re left “bereft and reeling,” yearning for the closeness you once took for granted, wondering what you did to deserve this distance. 

Here are some strategies to assert yourself:

• Demonstrate how affection works by offering it to your partner without conditions.
• Communicate your feelings by explaining what relationship values mean to you. 
• Explain to your partner that you want to work with them to improve your intimacy.
• Try 19 Effective Couples Therapy Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship
• Clearly and calmly tell your partner that you expect affection in a romantic relationship and that their behavior is hurting you.   
• If they refuse to change, tell yourself you deserve better. Read How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship and take the first step on your journey of empowerment.

5. They frequently blow even the most minor issues out of proportion.

In a minefield, one single step can trigger a catastrophic detonation. Emotional blackmail functions the same way.

Their over-the-top reactions leave you constantly on edge, fearing the next time they’ll lash out. 

I dated someone who once accused me of “not loving them” because I forgot to call one evening. The constant drama drained me until I realized this was about control, not connection. 

• Refuse to match their intensity. 
• Stay calm during their outbursts. 
• Understand that their extreme reactions are about control, not communication.
• Avoid accusing them of overreacting, which is counterproductive. 
• Gently explain, “I won’t discuss things when you’re upset.” 
• When they’re calmer, use “I” statements to explain your perspective, and ask them to do the same.

6. Your past mistakes become leverage against you.

Some people don’t just keep secrets — they collect them like ammunition, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

Now, they use the past against you. “Remember when you messed up? You owe me.” This tactic turns the past into a weapon, making you feel trapped by your history and constantly indebted to them. Perhaps you’ve made some poor financial decisions in the past, so now they keep you out of financial matters, hoarding money like a goblin. 

Recognize that your past mistakes do not define your present worth. Own your mistakes but don’t let anyone weaponize them. Firmly say, “We’ve discussed this before; it’s unfair to keep bringing it up.” Be prepared to enforce consequences if they continue this behavior.

Read Healthy Boundaries in Relationships: What They Are and How to Set Them to learn strategies for dealing with this kind of behavior.

7. Threats of self-harm become a weapon to use against you.

Love? A psychological weapon of mass destruction?

“If you leave, I don’t know what I’ll do to myself,” they might say, creating an unbearable sense of responsibility and fear within you. 

A colleague shared how her ex-partner frequently made this threat. She stayed longer than she wanted, terrified of the consequences, until she sought help from a therapist who reassured her that someone else’s choices were not her responsibility. 

• Take threats seriously but don’t shoulder the blame. 
• Immediately contact local mental health resources or emergency services if danger to your partner is imminent. 
• Encourage them to seek professional help and lean on a trusted friend or counselor for support.
• Recognize that this is a type of emotional manipulation and does not feature in a healthy relationship, which you are entitled to. 

8. Your blackmailer might withhold important information.

Knowledge is power, right? 

Well, emotional blackmailers know that, so they keep you in the dark, holding on to the upper hand. They might avoid sharing details about finances, plans, or even minor aspects of their life, leaving you feeling adrift and unsure. This information gap keeps you dependent on their whims, reinforcing their control. 

Insist on transparency. Say, “I need to be included in decisions that affect us both.” Don’t let secrecy erode your trust. But know that withholding information as emotional blackmail is often a symptom of much worse behavior. Check out the following articles to learn more about these tactics:

• 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags
• 31 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
• How to Identify the 13 Signs of a Toxic Person in Your Life
• Know the Warning Signs of Abuse to Protect Yourself and Others

9. Blackmailers use triangulation to make your friends and family accomplices to abuse. 

Let’s take all the manipulation tactics above but bring your mom into it. Fun, right?

Sometimes, blackmailers don’t stop at personal manipulation — they’ll bring others into the fray, enlisting friends, family, or even colleagues to back them up. They’ll twist the narrative, painting you as the villain to those around you. 

I’ve actually seen this happen. A friend’s ex would tell mutual friends half-truths, painting her as the problem. She lost friends, felt utterly alone, and only later realized this tactic was meant to control her. 

If this is happening to you, stay consistent in your truth. Speak calmly to others involved, but don’t waste energy trying to prove yourself to everyone. The only third person who should be involved in this relationship is a therapist, either for yourself or you and your partner together. (It sounds like your partner could use some one-on-one therapy as well.) 

I’ll level with you: Sometimes there’s no hope for a person like this. If you really want to protect yourself, ending the relationship might be your best bet. Our article How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship can help you on your way to self-determination.

The Four Types of Emotional Blackmailers

The punisher: Perhaps the most straightforward of emotional blackmailers, punishers don’t hesitate to make direct threats and often use anger or intimidation. Their message is clear: comply or face consequences. 

This behavior is a stone’s throw from intimate partner violence, which doesn’t always mean hitting and punching. Please review our article about how to recognize dating violence as well as how to document and prove intimate partner violence.

The self-punisher: Self-punishers turn their pain inward, threatening self-destruction if they don’t get their way. They might skip meals, threaten self-harm, or talk about giving up on life. This type of emotional blackmail is particularly devastating because it plays on our instinct to protect those we love.

The sufferer: Sufferers are masters at playing the victim. They’ll remind you of all they’ve sacrificed for you and how your actions (or lack thereof) cause them pain. 

The tantalizer: Tantalizers are unique because they use positive reinforcement as manipulation. They dangle rewards and promises, creating a sense of hope and possibility. However, these rewards often come with strings attached and, often, may never materialize.

Your Next Steps

If you’re feeling trapped by emotional blackmail or struggling in a difficult relationship, here are some guides that can help you regain control of your life:

• Read our article When Is It Time to Break Up? to evaluate whether your relationship is salvageable or if it’s time to walk away. This article helps you weigh the emotional and practical factors involved.

• If you believe the relationship can be saved, explore How to Fix a Relationship for actionable steps to rebuild trust, improve communication, and address unresolved issues.

• For those navigating marital challenges, How to Save Your Marriage offers tailored advice for couples willing to commit to long-term solutions.

• If the relationship proves irreparable, follow the guidance in How to Leave a Toxic Relationship. This article provides practical advice to prioritize your safety and well-being during this transition.

Empower yourself to break free from invisible chains and create a life centered on respect, love, and self-worth.

Recognizing emotional blackmail is the first step toward breaking free from its grip. The path to recovery might seem daunting, but each small step toward establishing healthy relationships — with others and yourself — is a victory worth celebrating.

For more insight and resources, see our guides to relationship abuse.

FAQs

References

1. Jarwan, A. S., Al Frehat, B., Hawari, A. F., Ali, F. M. (2024). Emotional manipulation and its relationship with symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder among couples. Evolutionary Studies in Imaginative Culture, 8(2), 242–257. https://doi.org/10.70082/esiculture.vi.684

2. Ultimatum. (n.d.) Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ultimatum

3. Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin, 115(2), 243–267.
https://www.academia.edu/download/95716016/94_Baumeister_etal_PB_115.pdf

4. Wright, C. N., & Roloff, M. E. (2009). Relational commitment and the silent treatment. Communication Research Reports, 26(1), 12–21. https://doi.org/10.1080/08824090802636967

5. Williams, K. D. & Nida, S. A. (2011). Ostracism: Consequences and coping. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20(2), 71–75.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721411402480

6. White, M. (2024, February 12). New data finds 42% of couples keep financial secrets from partner: “Just as dangerous as physical infidelity.” CBS News.
https://www.cbsnews.com/colorado/news/new-data-finds-42-percent-couples-financial-secrets/

7. Gaslighting. (n. d.). Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting

8. Bonomi, A. E., & Martin, D. (2021). Domestic abusers: Expert triangulators, new victim advocacy models to buffer against it. Journal of Family Violence, 36, 383–388.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-020-00156-2

Breakups leave emotional echoes. Sudden texts, strategic social media interactions, and calculated “coincidences” reveal unspoken desires. These behaviors suggest your ex is mapping a return route to your heart.

1. He consistently reaches out to you.  

Would you prefer a needy ex or a hostile one? 

Don’t answer that. It’s a Morton’s fork. 

Messages from a needy ex drip with familiarity, laced with just enough warmth to (attempt to) stir the ache of nostalgia. Each word feels like a carefully crafted manipulation, unraveling the progress you’ve made as he draws you into his restless need for connection.

You don’t want to send the wrong message, so keep your emotions in check and focus on clarity. 

• Be clear about how much contact you’re comfortable with. Do this by setting boundaries right away.
• Introduce a little empathy into the equation. Read Signs He Is Hurting After the Breakup to understand your ex’s perspective.
• If he’s trying to guilt-trip or otherwise manipulate you, forget empathy. That’s a sign of a toxic person and you’re lucky to have escaped.
• Don’t assume anything. The answer could honestly just be he’s bored. If he texts you out of the blue, the reason isn’t a guaranteed “I can’t live without you.”

2. Every interaction with him feels like venturing down memory lane.  

Your ex as a Marvel post-credit scene, always hinting at a sequel you’re not sure you want. 

He’s always bringing up old memories, like that trip to the coast or your favorite late-night spot, and weaving them into comments about the future. Even casual remarks like, “Your mom always said we made a great team,” feel loaded with innuendo — as if he’s pitching a romantic reboot.

Nostalgia is one hell of a drug, so arm yourself:

• Politely redirect conversations that steer into the past or shared future.
• Stay grounded in your present and what you want right now.
• Ask yourself if his words spark interest or just reignite old habits.
• If you’re not interested, say so. Explain that you’re looking for closure instead of round two.
• If you are interested, make sure he’s not toying with you. Read How to Know if a Guy Is Playing You or Really Likes You to avoid being played.

3. His body language is working overtime.  

Shakira wasn’t wrong. Words can lie, but body language rarely does.

He might not come right out and say he wants you back, but he doesn’t have to. His body language will shout it from the rooftops. Here’s what to look for:

• He tilts toward you when talking, closing the space between you.
• He turns his whole body toward yours to express his engagement.
• He mirrors your gestures, like crossing his arms when you do.
• His gaze lingers, holding yours more than usual.
• He fidgets or adjusts his clothes when you’re around.

Learn more about body language by reading 18 Signs of Mutual Attraction Between Two People and How to Spot Them.

4. He’s been working on self-improvement.  

There’s nothing quite like a comeback.

Your ex may have been building better habits all this time not because that’s just a better way to live. It’s all for you. For example, if financial irresponsibility was an issue, he might share new budgeting strategies or mention consulting a financial advisor.

If your ex has been working to improve the aspects of himself that caused the breakup in the first place, perhaps you should consider getting back together. After all, sometimes a break can be good for a relationship in the long run.

One caveat.

Make sure the change is consistent before diving back in headfirst.

If it’s not or you prefer to move on, simply express how happy you are for him and how proud you are that he’s tackled this, but that you’d rather stay friends. 

5. He’s still single.

Does an empty dating roster hint at unfinished business?

Staying single is often a sign that he’s stuck in the past, unable to fully let go of what you two had. Maybe no one else measures up, or he’s replaying the moments that made your relationship special. His lack of effort may not just be about being picky. It could mean he’s still holding out hope for you.

If I were in this situation, I’d take it as a clear signal to turn my attention inward:

• Focus on self-growth. Use this time to rediscover your passions, set personal goals, and rebuild your confidence.
• Don’t overthink it. You’re broken up. If he’s single, so what? Protect yourself from too much overthinking about his healing process so you don’t complicate yours. 

6. He flirts with you and compliments you.

A guy who flirts with you and compliments you wants one thing. 

You!

You haven’t seen each other in weeks, maybe months. For the most part, the breakup is behind you. But then you’re at a mutual friend’s gathering and everything changes. 

You lock eyes with your ex, and time freezes. He leans in and whispers, “You look better in that dress than I remember.” Flirting or compliments, like “You always had the best style,” hint at lingering feelings and nostalgia. His playful gestures suggest he might be testing the waters.

So what do you do? 

You can flirt back if you like. If you’re not interested in playing that particular game, remind him of your boundaries. Then again, some people like to avoid such scenarios by going full no contact after a breakup. That means staying home from get-togethers you know he’ll be attending. 

7. His jealousy is hard to hide. 

Why was Ross always jealous of Rachel’s new boyfriends on Friends? It wasn’t because he didn’t want her back.

In 2015, jealousy made me act foolishly. When my ex started dating someone new, I impulsively commented on their photo, “Nice to see you’ve found someone who can tolerate your quirks!” My attempt at humor backfired, turning my private feelings into a public spectacle. Jealousy, when handled maturely, can hint at unresolved affection. 

If you’re wondering if your ex might want you back based on his jealousy, here are some practical tips.

• Use journaling for clarity. Encourage journaling to help both of you process emotions. Try this article on Journaling as a Healing Tool for self-reflection and emotional healing.
• Observe his actions. Is his jealousy showing affection or possessiveness? True love involves maturity and emotional honesty.
• Check for serious intentions. Look for consistent effort, communication, and respect. According to How to Know if a Guy is Serious About You: Signs to Look For, actions are key.
• Allow space for healing. Jealousy might signal unresolved feelings. Give both of you time and space to heal before jumping to conclusions.

8. He tells you he misses you.

Ah, those “three little words.” No, not those ones.

People miss things for different reasons. Your ex could be feeling lonely, nostalgic, or simply missing the comfort of your presence, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to rebuild the relationship. Sometimes, it’s just a way to test the water or seek validation, not a clear sign of wanting to reconnect.

First of all, you don’t owe him a reunion just because he’s nostalgic. Here’s what you do instead: 

• Examine your feelings without pressure or commentary from your ex.
• Consider the possibility that it’s too soon. Why do I say that? Read Taking a Break in a Relationship: When Love Needs a Time-Out for answers.
• If you choose to explore this, set clear boundaries and communicate your expectations clearly. 
• Discuss your relationship values this time around and hopefully avoid what broke you up in the first place.

Your Next Steps: Navigating Mixed Signals

Not every sign means what it seems. An ex liking your photos or sending a casual text might feel like a spark, but it could just be a flicker of curiosity. Polite messages or nostalgic memories can warm your heart, yet they might be nothing more than echoes of a shared history.  

Here are some ways to navigate mixed signals: 

• Focus on actions, not fleeting gestures or vague messages. You might find it helpful to explore the signs a man is in love and how to know if he is serious about you. 
• Protect your boundaries and walk away if the same cracks reappear.
• Instead of speculating about whether your ex wants you back, work on achieving closure.
• Take a step back from all this noise. Meditate, hike, or take up journaling. Getting to know yourself better might make it easier to drown out your ex’s neediness.

Breakups are confusing, and sometimes it’s hard to know if it’s over over. From subtle hints to outright emotional confessions, the signs can vary widely. 

Ultimately, breakups are about prioritizing your happiness and emotional well-being as you navigate this next chapter of your story.

Our guides to ending a relationship can help you make sense of this complicated time in your life.

FAQs

References 

1. Hall, J. A., & Baym, N. K. (2012). Calling and texting (too much): Mobile maintenance expectations, (over)dependence, entrapment, and friendship satisfaction. New Media & Society, 14(2), 316–331. https://doi.org/10.1177/1461444811415047

2. Evans, N. D., Juhl, J., Hepper, E. G., Wildschut, T., Sedikides, C., & Fetterman, A. K. (2022). Romantic nostalgia as a resource for healthy relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(7), 2181–2206. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221075773

3. Pease, A. & Pease, B. (2006). The definitive book of body language: The hidden meaning behind people’s gestures and expressions. Bantam. https://e-edu.nbu.bg/pluginfile.php/331752/mod_resource/content/0/Allan_and_Barbara_Pease_-_Body_Language_The_Definitive_Book.pdf

4. Apostolou, M. (2019). Why men stay single? Evidence from Reddit. Evolutionary Psychological Science, 5(1), 87–97. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40806-018-0163-7

5. Kennair, L. E. O., Wade, T. J., Tallaksen, M. T., Grøntvedt, T. V., Kessler, A. M., Burch, R. L., & Bendixen, M. (2022). Perceived effectiveness of flirtation tactics: The effects of sex, mating context and individual differences in US and Norwegian samples. Evolutionary Psychology, 20(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/14747049221088011

6. Attridge, M. (2013). Jealousy and relationship closeness exploring the good (reactive) and bad (suspicious) sides of romantic jealousy. SAGE Open, 3(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244013476054

Before we go any further, I want to be clear: Your husband probably does not hate you. 

Your marriage — or your husband — is going through a turbulent time. First, you need to understand why you think your husband hates you, then you can figure out if he even does.

Key Takeaways:

• In marriages between busy people, things like unresolved issues and external influences can look like unmet expectations and growing apart.
• Priorities like emotional intimacy and love languages can get lost in the shuffle.
• It’s unlikely your husband hates you, but he and your relationship might need more attention.

Reevaluating your priorities and setting goals to improve your marriage can help you resolve the feeling that your husband hates you.

1. Feeling unappreciated makes you question everything.

Feeling appreciated by your partner might not be about your partner at all.

It certainly could be about that, but the reality is probably a mixture of your partner’s actions and your own perceptions of how or what your partner appreciates.^[1]

A lady I know once planned a weekend getaway to reignite connection with her husband. She booked the hotel, arranged childcare, and even mapped out activities they’d enjoy. But when she told her husband, his response was a flat, “Do we really have to?” She was crushed. 

A big mistake we make when trying to do nice things is that we do the wrong nice things.

It’s hard to appreciate something someone does for us when we didn’t want it in the first place, especially if we’re stressed out. It’s like we’ve got blinders on. 

Instead of assuming what he needs, ask him instead. He’ll appreciate you asking and be more likely to notice when you deliver. 

Explore his love languages. There are many different ways to say “I love you.” Learn to express your love in a way that matches his needs.

2. Unmet expectations are muddying the waters.

What we should expect from our marriages and what we actually expect don’t always align.

Whatever it is you’re expecting from him that you’re not receiving, whether it’s unwaning passion or choosing your side in every battle with your mother-in-law, sometimes our expectations are unrealistic and impossible to meet. 

Then again, realistic expectations look like respect, admiration, affection — you know, the normal stuff — and sometimes those aren’t met either.

Learn more about relationship expectations and how to manage them. If your expectations are unrealistic or too high, adjust them. But don’t settle for less than you deserve.

Maintaining healthy expectations is all about communication and flexibility, but it’s important that you have a working knowledge of your and your partner’s relationship rights and responsibilities as well. 

3. Stress is getting in the way of love.

Stress is an insidious beast that can start in one place and take a path of destruction you never even imagined.

A friend’s husband came home, slammed his briefcase on the table, and snapped, “Do you ever clean this place?” She was heartbroken. What she didn’t know was that he had been reprimanded at work for something he didn’t do. His outburst wasn’t about her — it was misplaced frustration.

If this rings true for you, there are a few things you can try in this scenario:

• Let him know that you empathize with his stress and ask that he do the same for you.
• Learn how to balance relationship and work and share your strategy with him.
• If stress at home is contributing to conflict, suggest dividing up household duties according to which chores are the least annoying for both of you — this has worked wonders in my relationship.
• If getting your partner to open up is a challenge, our article about emotionally unavailability may help you pry those feelings out of him.

4. Emotional intimacy is hiding behind layers of tension.

Arguing sucks, but it’s the silence that will get you.

At times like this, you might feel like you’re all alone in the world. He used to kiss you goodbye every morning. Now, he walks out the door without a second glance. You used to talk late into the night; now, you’re lucky if he gives you more than a grunt when you ask how his day was. The silence is deafening.

A man once confided in me, “I don’t know how to give her what she needs. So I just don’t try anymore. It’s easier to stay quiet than to risk doing it wrong.”

It takes a lot longer to build emotional intimacy than it does to squander it. To rebuild it, start small:

• Show you appreciate him, even the little things he does, even if it feels awkward or forced. 
• Be mindful of your interactions: Offer a compliment, linger in a touch, share a laugh.
• Instead of asking him outright about his day, practice active listening when he does speak with follow-up questions.
• When push comes to shove (metaphorically of course), remember why you fell in love in the first place. 

5. You’re both growing but away from each other.

The most dangerous assumption in any relationship? Believing distance means destruction.

Sometimes, personal growth happens at different speeds. Your 50-hour workweeks, his growing leadership responsibilities, and maintaining your separate hobbies and friendships have created parallel lives under the same roof. 

What feels like rejection is actually relationship boredom resulting from two individuals navigating complex personal schedules.

• Spend six hours of quality time together each week. This expert-driven method is proven to help couples connect.^[6]
• Schedule weekly 90-minute phone breaks during which neither of you can look at your phone. 
• Ask each other questions that spark deep conversations.

6. Unresolved past issues have built a wall between you.

The problem isn’t the argument you just had — it’s the ones that never really ended.

What starts as a small disagreement over finances or chores quickly spirals into a rehash of past mistakes. Old hurts resurface, creating emotional distance and breeding resentment. These unaddressed wounds can poison even the happiest moments.

Do any of these issues ring true for you?

My advice? Face the ghosts. Break the cycle with honesty and forgiveness: 

• Choose a calm moment to talk. Read our list of tough relationship questions for a clue on what to ask.
• Use “I feel” statements to express your hurt without assigning blame.
• Apologize for your mistakes and acknowledge the effect your behavior had.
• Ask him to do the same.
• Consider couples therapy. Start by trying some simple couples therapy exercises at home.

7. External influences play a bigger role than they should.

What if I told you your marriage was competing with . . . Instagram?

Your marriage might be competing with social media’s endless scroll of perfect lives as well as his friends who mock commitment and your in-laws, who constantly make you feel small with their subtle jabs. These relationship interlopers erect a wedge between you and your spouse.

Don’t let them:

• Set clear and healthy boundaries with friends and family.
• Focus on building a strong relationship invulnerable to these elements.

8. You’re speaking different love languages.

There’s no single, universal definition for love’s most perfect gesture. 

Your husband fixes the leaky faucet and considers it a grand gesture of love. Meanwhile, you’re silently wishing he’d just give you a killer back rub or tell you that you look beautiful. It’s as if the two of you are speaking entirely different languages. 

You are speaking different languages — love languages, that is. 

Learning each other’s love languages can transform your relationship. Here’s a quick guide to the five most common love languages and how to speak them:

• Words of affirmation: If he lights up at compliments, this is his love language. Tell him, “I love how you always have my back,” or leave a sweet note in his bag.
• Acts of service: If he shows love through actions (like fixing that faucet), speak his language by doing something helpful, like running an errand or taking over a chore he dislikes.
• Receiving gifts: A thoughtful gift speaks volumes. Surprise him with something meaningful, like his favorite snack or a gadget he’s been eyeing.
• Quality time: If he wants your undivided attention, make time for just the two of you. Go for a walk or have a no-phone dinner to connect.
• Physical touch: If he feels most loved through touch, give him a hug, hold his hand, or snuggle up while watching TV. 

9. One or both of you is struggling with your mental health.

Think your husband’s mood swings are about you? Think again.

Your husband might seem irritable, distant, or even cold because he’s fighting internal battles he doesn’t know how to articulate.

A close relative of mine spent years thinking her husband was cold and detached until she walked in on him crying in their bathroom. He finally admitted he’d been struggling with depression for months, ashamed to talk about it.

You’ve got this. Women are actually better than men at supporting a partner who is struggling with mental health.^[10] Here’s how they do it: 

• Recognize the signs of mental health struggles. Mood swings, irritability, or emotional distance might not be about you. 
• Be a safe space. For example, if your husband’s depression means he’s doing less housework, don’t criticize him. A messy house never killed anyone. And for the love of God, don’t tell him to “just choose happiness.”
• Encourage professional help. Gently suggest talking to a therapist or counselor. If he refuses, learn how to help at home.

Your Next Steps

You’re navigating complex emotions and challenges in your marriage, but it’s unlikely he hates you. Here’s a step-by-step approach to better understand what’s happening and take meaningful action:

• Figure him out. Read Why Do Men Pull Away? to understand the possible reasons behind his emotional or physical distance.
• Stop overthinking. Overthinking can magnify your concerns. Read How to Stop Overthinking Everything to help manage anxiety and gain clarity as you work through your challenges.
• Reconnect. Try couples therapy exercises to help you reconnect. These practical exercises are designed to help you open up, communicate better, and start rebuilding trust and emotional closeness.
• Take action. Discover tools to save your marriage.
• Know when to fold ‘em. If the relationship feels toxic or beyond repair, it may be time to explore your options. Staying in an unhealthy or abusive relationship is much worse than being on your own.

Your husband probably doesn’t hate you. While it may feel like love has been replaced by resentment, relationships are rarely defined by a single emotion. 

If you need more help decoding your marriage, our guides to being in a relationship can help.

FAQs

References

1. Gordon, A. M., & Diamond, E. (2023). Feeling understood and appreciated in relationships: Where do these perceptions come from and why do they matter? Current Opinion in Psychology, 101687. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101687

2. Huckabee, T. (2018, June 27). 6 surprising stats that show how differently men and women feel about relationships. Relevant.
https://relevantmagazine.com/life5/career-money/6-surprising-stats-that-show-how-differently-men-and-women-feel-about-relationships/

3. Render, D. (2017). The prince charming effect: An analysis of the effect unrealistic portrayals of men have on relationship satisfaction within romantic relationships. Mercer University Research, Scholarship, and Archives. https://ursa.mercer.edu/handle/10898/3710

4. Barton, A. W., Bryant, C. M. (2016). Financial strain, trajectories of marital processes, and African American newlyweds’ marital instability. Journal of Family Psychology. 30(6), 657–64. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000190

5. Kriegman, G. (1966). A systematic approach to the evaluation and treatment of marital problems. MCV/Q, Medical College of Virginia Quarterly, 1(4), 36–44.
https://scholarscompass.vcu.edu/mcvq/vol1/iss4/8/

6. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.
Crown Publishers.

7. Pressman, S. D., Matthews, K. A., Cohen, S., Martire, L. M., Scheier, M., Baum, A., & Schulz, R. (2009). Association of enjoyable leisure activities with psychological and physical well-being. Psychosomatic Medicine, 71(7), 725–732.
https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e3181ad7978

8. Valenzuela, S., Halpern, D., and Katz, J. (2014). Social network sites, marriage well-being and divorce: Survey and state-level evidence from the United States. Computers in Human Behavior, 26, 94–101. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2014.03.034

9. Chapman, G. (2024). The five love languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing.

10. Love and mental illness. (n. d.). PsychGuides.com.
https://www.psychguides.com/interact/love-and-mental-illness/

11. Chatmon, B. N. (2020). Males and mental health stigma. American Journal of Men’s Health, 14(4). https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988320949322

Marriage is more than rings and fancy vows. 

From finding your forever teammate to building a life of shared dreams and new traditions, some reasons to get married are valid, wise, and — yes — romantic. 

Others, though, are just not good enough.

Reasons to Get Married

Obviously L-O-V-E is the number one reason to get married, but there are other compelling incentives that fall in line behind the L word — and no, I don’t mean tax perks and insurance benefits. The real beauty of marriage goes far beyond practicalities.

1. Establishing stability

You can’t easily walk away from a marriage. The legal complexities of ending a marriage encourage couples to stay and work through their issues rather than give up at the first sign of trouble. Marriage provides a foundation that helps weather life’s storms, from career changes to personal challenges.

According to data from Bowling Green State University, married relationships are more stable than cohabiting relationships. Not only that, but “married individuals consistently report higher average levels of relationship quality compared to cohabitors.”^[1] Could it be that stability and relationship satisfaction go hand in hand?

Stability isn’t about being static — it’s about having a reliable home base from which to explore and grow. There’s profound comfort in knowing you have a constant anchor in life’s ever-changing seas.

2. Creating your own family traditions

Family traditions and rituals serve as a framework for family identity and continuity. Just as ritual lies at the core of the culture of a people, so it seems to build the identity of family life as well.^[2]

Every New Year’s Eve, my family comes together for fried chicken at midnight. I fry the chicken while my sister makes the mashed potatoes. Everyone shows up in backward pajamas, giggling and sharing stories from their year. As the clock strikes twelve, we dig in, sharing laughs and marking the start of a new year together. 

This type of thing might seem like silly tradition to some, but new traditions become cherished rituals that define your unique family, making memories that deepen your bond and bring warmth to the heart of your shared life.

3. Becoming part of each other’s families

Marriage isn’t just about joining two people — it’s about blending two family trees. Suddenly, you have twice the holiday celebrations, new traditions to learn, and more people to call family. Your spouse’s quirky aunt becomes your quirky aunt, and their family recipes become part of your cookbook.

This expansion of family encourages rich cultural exchanges, especially in intercultural marriages. You might find yourself celebrating Diwali one week and Hanukkah the next, creating a beautiful tapestry of traditions that your future generations will inherit.

4. Sharing the weight of adult decisions

Adulting can be overwhelming, especially all the decisions you have to make each and every day. But having a partner makes both large and small decisions feel easier, from choosing health insurance to solving kitchen mysteries. 

One can research every detail while the other fills out the paperwork, but you decide together. One can tighten the pipe under the sink while the other holds the flashlight, but together you choose not to call a plumber (I hope you won’t regret that). 

Whatever the outcome, together, you’re one hell of a team.

As research published in Social Psychological and Personality Science reveals, “People tend to be depleted by their decisions. In contrast, we found people report that making decisions for others (vs. the self) is less depleting because it is more enjoyable.”^[3]

By sharing decisions, you not only combat decision fatigue but also make life’s challenges more manageable and rewarding.

5. Having a built-in adventure partner

Marriage means always having someone to explore life with, whether it’s trying the new fusion restaurant downtown or backpacking across Europe. 

It’s a unique pleasure of marriage to experience new things together and create shared memories that become part of your collective story.

Mundane errands turn into mini adventures when you’re with your person. A quick trip to the grocery store might turn into an impromptu ice cream date. Assembling IKEA furniture becomes a team-building exercise (and sometimes a test of patience!).

6. Building a life together

In marriage, home isn’t just a place; it’s a feeling. It’s found in quiet moments, like reading side by side or debating if a hot dog is a sandwich. These small acts create a haven within each other.

The everyday moments are where the magic happens, where the little things we love about each other live. As Huston et al. explain, “Spouses involved in long-term happy marriages often point to each other’s admirable qualities and take note of the pleasure they find in their relationship as significant factors accounting for durability of their bond.”^[4] 

When you truly love someone and appreciate their qualities, getting to be with them every day becomes a gift. Sunday mornings become sacred rituals. Even brushing your teeth together becomes a comforting nightly routine. These daily moments combine to create the story of your life. 

7. Having (and being) an on-call cheerleader

There’s something magical about having someone in your corner, cheering for you with unshakable belief, especially when you’re feeling doubtful. Sure, you can get that from a live-in long-term partner, but with marriage, it’s in writing.

Imagine a big presentation looming over you, and just as you’re about to walk in, you get a message from your spouse that says, “You’ve got this.” It’s a simple reminder, but it’s all you need to feel grounded. 

They’re your biggest fan, ready with the metaphorical glitter-filled sign in hand, rooting for you louder than anyone else. When you reach milestones, whether it’s a career goal or a new skill you’ve worked hard for, they’re there to celebrate with you, making each achievement feel more significant. 

8. Growing old and embracing change together

Marriage is a promise to evolve together, embracing all the changes life brings along the way. Imagine looking back on years of growth — both as individuals and as a couple. 

Maybe one of you discovers a newfound passion for painting landscapes or the other decides to take up marathon running. 

You’ll witness each other’s transformations, from picking up new hobbies to overcoming fears, and even as personalities shift, priorities change, and wrinkles grow, the beauty of marriage lies in adapting to each other’s growth.

9. Celebrating your commitment 

For some, the marriage ceremony isn’t just about paperwork and fancy clothes — it’s about marking a spiritual moment when everything changes. 

Like the satisfaction of walking across a graduation stage or watching an awards show unfold, declaring your love in front of those who matter most is a powerful moment you never forget, one that lives inside your soul as a core memory forming who you are as a person — and as a couple.

In many ways, such ceremonies become milestones in the ever-developing story of your relationship, reinforcing your mutual promise in front of friends, family, or even just each other.

Benefits of Marriage

Here’s a closer look at some key benefits of marriage that many couples experience.

You live longer

Marriage isn’t just about companionship — it might actually help you live longer. Research reveals a fascinating correlation between marital status and longevity, particularly in our later years. 

As noted in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, “The health benefits associated with marriage are disproportionately large in older adulthood, due in part to the powerful role spouses play in promoting each other’s well-being.”^[5]

This makes intuitive sense: Having a life partner means having someone who notices when you’re unwell, encourages you to see a doctor, reminds you to take medications, and helps maintain healthy habits. 

Beyond these practical aspects, the emotional support and sense of purpose that marriage provides can boost mental health and reduce stress — both key factors in longevity.

Your money combines and your bills shrink

Marriage is good for your bottom line. A survey carried out by researchers Wells and Zinn found that marriage results in better “economic well-being and stability for middle class families.”^[6] 

That Blue Cross Blue Shield family plan from your employer? It now covers your spouse’s $300 monthly asthma treatment. Your combined income of $120,000 looks far better to mortgage lenders than your solo $70,000. 

Speaking of money, filing taxes jointly might drop you into a lower bracket, turning that $3,000 tax bill into a $1,200 refund. When you’re ready to retire, your spouse can claim 50% of your social security benefits if they’re higher than their own.

Marriage streamlines life’s admin. One electric bill. One property tax statement. One Costco membership for those bulk paper towel runs. Joint bank accounts mean never splitting the Wi-Fi bill or calculating who owes what for groceries.

Sure, you can achieve all or most of this by cohabiting, but you don’t get a bridal shower for that. (Just kidding. Bridal showers are so 20th century — or so I’m told. Many women want to buy their own damn gravy boats these days.)

Your legal rights expand

You’re in your spouse’s hospital room at 3 a.m. It’s that moment when “next of kin” means you, not the in-laws. Marriage transforms you from “close friend” to “family” in the eyes of every medical institution. 

When you’re married, the legal system suddenly becomes your ally: 

• When your partner is rushed to the ER with appendicitis, you’re not waiting in the lobby — you’re in there making decisions about anesthesia options and signing consent forms.

• Your partner can’t be forced to testify against you if you steal the neighbor’s giant, noisy wind chime and bury it in the woods. 
• Power of attorney means no family feuds over medical decisions — you’re automatically the boss of the hospital paperwork. 
• Even immigration proceedings transform from Kafkaesque nightmares into manageable bureaucracy — marriage visas have a 90% acceptance rate compared to other options.

Your daily life gets support

The emotional perks hit differently. A bad performance review at work? Your spouse is legally obligated to listen to your hour-long rant and order you some comfort Thai food — extra spring rolls, no questions asked. 

They’re your designated +1 for every cousin’s wedding, every corporate holiday party, every neighbor’s backyard barbecue. No more awkward dating apps or “So, are you seeing anyone?” from well-meaning aunts at Thanksgiving.

In marriage, you’ve got a guaranteed ride-or-die.

Signs You’re Not Ready for Marriage

If you’re on the fence about making things official, here are eight reasons that say the wedding bells might be best left unrung.

1. You’re allergic to commitment

If you still have a meltdown picking a streaming service or your palms sweat at the thought of a gym membership with a “year-long contract,” marriage might feel like shackling yourself to the biggest commitment of all. 

This isn’t a month-to-month trial — it’s a lifetime subscription, with no “cancel anytime” option. If you have commitment issues, the idea of marriage might seem even more daunting. Those who are frightened by the idea of forever should probably consider waiting another year, or even more. It’s a lot easier to get married than it is to undo it.

2. Marriage seems like a 24/7 job

Imagine a job where you’re on-call for life. Yup, that’s marriage. You’ll need to show up for each other every day, even on the days when you’d rather curl up in bed with a bag of chips and your favorite show. 

Unlike your 9–5, there are no PTO days or “quiet quitting.” If you’re the type to struggle with boundaries, marriage might feel like walls closing in on you. Take a step back from the idea of marriage and work on building a healthy relationship first. 

3. You think marriage will fix your relationship problems

Believing marriage will fix a relationship is a dangerous game to play. If you’re expecting a wedding to magically erase conflicts or strengthen your bond instantly, think twice. Marriage doesn’t resolve deep-rooted issues like communication or trust.

Putting a ring on it doesn’t suddenly transform your partner into Prince Charming. Problems don’t disappear with the words “I do.” In fact, they often intensify once the honeymoon phase fades. Take off your rose-colored glasses for a second and evaluate this decision logically. 

If you’re not happy together before the wedding, you won’t be happy after.

4. It just seems convenient

I get it. Your mom expects you to get married and start popping out grandbabies. All your friends are getting married. You’ve been a bridesmaid nine times. And don’t forget that old playground rhyme: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.”

If marriage feels more like the path of least resistance than a genuine desire, it might be time to check your motives. 

Marrying someone because it’s easier than breaking up or because you’re already living together and it seems like “the next logical step” isn’t it.

5. Your partner wants it more than you do

If the words “Let’s get married” only light up their face while yours looks like you’re being asked to give a TED talk unprepared, you might be in trouble. 

A marriage works when both people are genuinely invested — no one should feel pressured into signing up. You wouldn’t want to be the one waiting at the altar with a big smile while your partner’s second-guessing every second. You need to want to get married. Your partner wanting it just isn’t enough.

6. You’re not ready to give up your independence

If you still cringe at the thought of sharing a Netflix account or merging playlists, you might not be ready for the whole “two-become-one” thing that marriage often entails. 

Relationships come with rights and responsibilities that might simply be too much for you to agree to. From shared finances to family gatherings, marriage is a deeply integrated union. If you’re not ready to start sharing everything from your last name to your holiday plans, maybe keep things casual.

7. You just want the social media validation

Let’s face it, the thought of sharing perfectly staged #WeddingDay photos can be tempting. But if you’re dreaming more about the photo ops than the lifelong commitment, your motivations may be off. 

Marriage is real life, not a TikTok trend. The “likes” will eventually stop coming but the reality of sharing a life with someone is permanent. If it’s mainly about social clout, consider skipping the altar and renting a photo booth at home.

8. Simply put, you don’t want to

Sometimes, the best reason to avoid marriage is simply because you don’t feel like it. There’s no rule book saying you have to get married to be happy. 

If you’re content with your current situation or if marriage just doesn’t feel right, that’s perfectly okay. The most fulfilling marriages are the ones that both people want wholeheartedly — not ones that tick a box.

Conclusion

Marriage isn’t about finding someone perfect — it’s about finding the person whose weirdness perfectly complements your own.

Alongside the many reasons to get married are some serious ones not to get married. 

You’re choosing someone who’ll pick out your coffin someday. Just like you don’t want them to pick the first one they find, choosing to marry someone isn’t a choice you leave up to a Magic Eight Ball.
If you’re looking for more insightful content about being in a relationship, just follow the link!

FAQs

References

1. Bowling Green State University (n. d). Relationship quality among married and cohabiting couples. NCFMR Family Profiles.
https://www.bgsu.edu/content/dam/BGSU/college-of-arts-and-sciences/NCFMR/documents/FP/FP-12-12.pdf

2. Bossard, J. H. S., & Boll, E. S. (1950). Ritual in family living: A contemporary study. University of Pennsylvania Press.

3. Polman, E., & Vohs, K. D. (2016). Decision fatigue, choosing for others, and self-construal. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(5), 471–478.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550616639648

4. Huston, T. L., Caughlin, J. P., Houts, R. M., Smith, S. E., & George, L. J. (2001). The connubial crucible: Newlywed years as predictors of marital delight, distress, and divorce. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(2), 237–252.
https://faculty.washington.edu/jdb/345/345%20Articles/Chapter%2011%20Huston%20et%20al.%20%282001%29.pdf

5. Rauer, A. J., Sabey, A., & Jensen, J. F. (2014). Growing old together: Compassionate love and health in older adulthood. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(5), 677–696. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407513503596

6. Wells, B. and Zinn, M. B. (2004). The benefits of marriage reconsidered. The Journal of Sociology & Social Welfare,31(4), 59–80. https://doi.org/10.15453/0191-5096.3027

The chemistry is still there, but the plot has grown complicated. That’s where taking a break in a relationship comes in.

But you can’t just take a break willy-nilly. (Did you learn nothing from Friends?) Relationship breaks must be handled with care.

What Is a Break in a Relationship?

Taking a break in a relationship is akin to hitting the pause button on all your drama. A break helps you take a moment to breathe, reflect, and maybe grab some fro-yo — or sleep with the copy girl. 

This temporary separation allows couples to step back and reassess the relationship without the finality of a breakup. It’s not actually all that radical of a strategy. 

Relationship breaks are quite common, not just in dating but also in marriage. Statistics show that about 6% to 18% of married couples have separated at some point.^[1] 

This means if you’re considering a break, you’re not alone. Many couples have found that taking a step back can provide clarity and strengthen their bond in the long run.

How to Take a Break in a Relationship 

If only relationships actually came with an instruction manual, we’d all be better off. C’est la vie.  

1. Establish a communication plan

A break isn’t just “time off” from each other — it’s a thoughtfully structured agreement to set clear expectations. Think of it as defining the terms of your temporary separation. Decide on key factors: whether you will see other people, what each person’s boundaries are, how long the break will last, and if or how you’ll communicate.

Going no contact after a breakup is a great way to hit the reset button on your life.

Setting these ground rules helps prevent spontaneous messages that could disrupt the purpose of the break. Having a structured approach creates stability, letting both partners fully embrace the space they’ve chosen without the temptation of impulsive contact.

A study published in Current Opinion in Psychology reveals that “couples need to adjust their communication to the contextual demands they are facing in order to turn conflict into a catalyst for building healthier and happier relationships.“^[2]

Think of it as setting a “no-fly zone” around your peace of mind, making it easier to resist the urge to send late-night “missing you” texts that seldom go anywhere productive.

2. Prioritize self-care

Taking a break isn’t about binge-watching rom-coms and sulking in your pajamas (unless that’s your thing). It’s a time to recharge, reconnect with yourself, and remind yourself what it’s like to fly solo — even if it’s just temporary. 

Dive back into your favorite hobbies, revisit the stack of books gathering dust on your nightstand, or get active in ways that make you feel strong and happy. Treat this as a mini “you” retreat where the focus is all about what makes you feel grounded.

Focusing on your own well-being doesn’t just give you a glow-up; it helps you bring a calmer, more balanced mindset back to the relationship when the time comes. By pouring into yourself, you’ll have more energy and clarity when you finally reconnect.

3. Identify the core issues

Breaks can feel like avoiding problems, but unresolved issues won’t vanish. This time should help clarify the root causes of conflict.

A 2004 article in the Journal of Psychology notes that “value conflict” is a strong predictor of stress. Bouckenooghe et al. argue that when environments don’t allow people to express their values, it can harm their well-being.^[3]

Reflect on recurring issues — especially those that remain unresolved. Use this break to assess whether these problems can be addressed or if they indicate deeper incompatibility. The goal isn’t to dwell but to identify what’s worth working on versus potential deal-breakers.

4. Focus on self-reflection

With a pause from your partner, it’s time to get really real with yourself. What do you actually want out of this relationship? Does it align with your long-term vision? 

Without daily frustrating or highly charged interactions, you can sit down with yourself and dig deep. Journaling, setting affirmations, and self-reflection work as productive outlets for the emotions that naturally arise in separation. 

According to research by Ullrich and Lutgendorf, “Journaling about a personally experienced stressful traumatic event may facilitate positive growth from the event.”^[4]

This self-reflection phase is about sorting out what you need and what you’re willing to give — two crucial insights for any relationship reset. It’s a chance to acknowledge what you need to feel fulfilled and whether your partner is on the same page. 

5. Balance social media 

Social media complicates breaks by keeping couples constantly aware of each other’s lives, often in less-than-accurate ways. Deciding whether to mute, unfollow, or temporarily restrict each other’s profiles is crucial to protect both partners’ mental well-being.

A “digital distance plan” might include muting each other’s profiles, refraining from posting about the relationship status, or avoiding passive interactions like “liking” each other’s updates. 

Muting or setting digital boundaries isn’t about ignoring the other person; it’s about creating a buffer so that the break serves its purpose. By limiting exposure to each other’s online lives, each partner is given the space to focus on self-growth rather than being distracted by social media reminders.

6. Get an outside perspective

Sometimes, a fresh set of eyes can help you see things you might be missing. Whether it’s a therapist, a wise friend, or even a relationship podcast, bringing in a little outside perspective can give you insights you didn’t expect. 

Often, someone outside the relationship can help you untangle thoughts that have been spinning in circles. 

According to a study published in International Journal of Research and Development, “Pursuing marriage counseling will help people with open communication, addressing differences rationally, accepting that differences are a good thing and taking problem-solving to help solidify as strengthen their relationship.”^[5]

They might offer a perspective on what’s actually a big deal and what might be easier to handle than you thought. 

Plus, it’s always nice to have a sounding board who can provide a little clarity without the emotional charge. Whether you’re in the “stay or go” camp, this fresh view can add a much-needed dose of reality to your self-reflection journey.

7. Reconnect gradually

The break is over, but that doesn’t mean you jump right back in as if nothing happened. Start small. Send a friendly text, set up a low-pressure meet-up, or maybe just chat over coffee. Keep things light at first to ease back into the flow. 

Think of this as a “first date” after your relationship’s mini-reset—get to know each other all over again, this time with fresh perspectives.

You’re not just picking up where you left off; you’re creating a new rhythm that honors everything you learned during the break. 

Use these moments to set new boundaries and build a deeper, more resilient connection. After all, if the break fixed your relationship, you’re both coming back with a toolkit that’s more stocked than before.

8. Be realistic about whether the relationship is salvageable

After taking a break and working on self-discovery, it’s essential to evaluate whether the relationship is worth continuing. Time apart can provide clarity, showing both the things you love about each other and any unresolved issues. 

Being honest about whether both partners have the desire and ability to make the relationship work is crucial. You might just find it’s better to part ways, and that’s OK.

If deep-rooted conflicts, mismatched values, or repeated disappointments persist, they’re likely to resurface no matter how well you try to rebuild. Recognizing when it’s time to move on can sometimes be the healthiest, most loving choice for both of you.

9. Stay in the present

Taking a break can bring up worries about the future, but the real value of a break comes from fully embracing it, moment by moment. Instead of dwelling on potential outcomes, focus on what the break is meant to offer: clarity, peace, and personal growth.

Letting go of unhealthy or unrealistic expectations for how the relationship should look when the break ends allows you to appreciate the space created for self-discovery, free from the weight of future outcomes. 

By being fully present, you allow the break to reveal its purpose naturally, leading to a clearer understanding of both yourself and the relationship.

When to Take a Break in a Relationship

If you’re feeling stuck or unsure, a break might help you reflect on what’s truly important to you both as individuals and as a couple. Here are seven signs:

Conversations grow stale

If talking to your partner feels like an endless loop of empty exchanges or, worse, long silences, it might be time to consider a break. 

When conversations lose their spark and dwindle into short, dull replies or awkward pauses that not even the most riveting conversation topics could save, it’s a sign that genuine interest in each other’s lives has faded. 

You know it might be time to consider a break when neither of you even cares to ask about each other’s day or thoughts.

You’re losing yourself

When your identity becomes overshadowed by your partner’s needs and desires, it’s a clear sign that a break might be necessary. In some cases, this is a sign of a controlling partner, which should be taken seriously.   

According to self-determination theory, individuals have three fundamental psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. This erosion of self can lead to feelings of resentment, dissatisfaction, and ultimately, a loss of connection to oneself.^[6]

A break can reacquaint you with yourself and shore you up for a more successful relationship.

Affection is a thing of the past

If warmth and affection between you have dwindled to sub-zero levels, taking a break could help reignite that initial spark. 

When kisses feel like polite pecks and hugs feel like awkward handshakes, a little time apart may just thaw the frost and remind you why you chose each other in the first place.

When you’re ready to try again, hit your partner with one of these saucy pickup lines.

You avoid conflict

When you find yourself smiling and nodding just to avoid conflict or pretending everything’s okay, it’s a red flag. Avoiding conflict is actually a sign of emotional unavailability.

Couples who are unwilling to communicate about their problems are likely to become dissatisfied with their relationships.^[7] When you avoid conflict, you fail to invest emotionally in the relationship. A break might give you a clearer head to tackle some of the issues you’ve been hiding from. 

You have little social life

If your entire social life revolves around your partner and your friendships have started to wither, it might be time for some space. 

Couples often isolate themselves in a little love bubble, not realizing until it’s too late that the bubble will eventually pop. Find something else to do for once and give yourself the chance to miss your partner sometimes.

A break can help you rebuild those connections and reinforce the support system outside your relationship, adding a healthy balance to your life.

You’re sacrificing your goals

When you find yourself shelving personal goals to avoid conflict or appease your partner, it may be time to step back. 

The type of people who forget to nurture themselves and instead put all their eggs into their partner’s basket often have an anxious attachment style. You’re afraid if you look away for just a second, Poof! It will all go away.

If you’ve let go of dreams or ambitions you once cherished, a break might help you reconnect with what drives you individually and consider how to better integrate those goals in the relationship.

You have doubts about the relationship

If you’re constantly questioning “what if” about other relationships or opportunities, this could be a signal that some introspection is needed. A temporary break can give you the space to assess whether those thoughts are natural curiosities or signs of a deeper dissatisfaction, clarifying what you truly want from your relationship.

With time to reflect, this break will help you decide if the relationship is worth saving or if it’s time to move on.

Benefits of Taking a Break in a Relationship

The reasons to take a break in a relationship are as varied as flavors in an ice cream shop, but they all share one common ingredient: potential for growth. Like pruning a plant to help it flourish. Explore these benefits to decide if a break might be in your best interest:

• Cultivate clarity: Distance provides perspective. Sometimes you need to step back from the painting to see the full picture.
• Foster independence: Rediscover your ability to assemble IKEA furniture without your partner’s help.
• Reduce relationship fatigue: Think of it as a spa day for your connection – sometimes refreshing and rejuvenating requires a little solitude.
• Strengthen communication: When words are limited, they become more precious and purposeful.
• Reignite passion: Absence can make the heart grow fonder. A break can help reignite the spark and remind you of what you love about each other.
• Personal growth: Time apart allows you to focus on personal goals and self-improvement, which can ultimately benefit the relationship.
• Evaluate compatibility: A break provides an opportunity to reflect on your compatibility and whether your long-term goals align.

Taking a break in a relationship isn’t about creating distance but about fostering growth capable of saving your relationship. 

How Long Should a Relationship Break Be?

If you’ve decided a break is the right step, you might wonder: How long is just right? Picture it like a soup — too short and you won’t have time to let things simmer; too long and everything’s boiled to a mush. 

The sweet spot for a relationship break tends to fall between four and eight weeks, but there’s a bit of flexibility here.

At a minimum, aim for two weeks. This is just enough time to start missing each other but not long enough to forget how to spell each other’s names. It gives both of you a taste of life solo without fully losing touch with your “us” mindset.

The maximum? Three months. Anything longer than that, and you’re not just taking a break; you’re practically dipping your toes into single life. At this point, instead of “figuring things out” you’re more likely learning to navigate life separately, which can make getting back together a lot trickier.

Conclusion

Taking a break in a relationship is not about ending things but about pressing pause to gain clarity, independence, and renewed perspective. When approached with clear boundaries and a shared goal, this pause can be a valuable tool for strengthening your connection.

Whether you’re ready for a break or not, learn more from our guide to being in a relationship. If you’ve made your decision, though, you might want to visit our page on ending a relationship.

FAQs

References

1. Crabtree, S. A. & Harris, S. M. (2020). The lived experience of ambiguous marital separation: A phenomenological study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(3), 385–398. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12419

2. Overall, N. C. & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 1–5.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

3. Bouckenooghe, D., Buelens, M., Fontaine, J., & Vanderheyden, K. (2005). The prediction of stress by values and value conflict. The Journal of Psychology, 139(4), 369–384. https://doi.org/10.3200/JRLP.139.4.369-384

4. Ullrich, P. M., & Lutgendorf, S. K. (2002). Journaling about stressful events: Effects of cognitive processing and emotional expression. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 24(3), 244–50. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15324796ABM2403_10

5. Shanmugavelu, G. & Arumugam, A. (2020). The process and importance of marriage counseling for married couples: an overview. International Journal of Research and Development, 5(13), 159–166. https://doi.org/10.36713/epra5915  

6. Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

7. Zacchilli, T. (2007). The relationship between conflict and communication, sex, relationship satisfaction, and other relational variables in dating relationships [Doctoral dissertation, Texas Tech University]. TTU DSpace Repository.
https://ttu-ir.tdl.org/server/api/core/bitstreams/4aa788dd-d9f6-4575-90fb-d8c7b6da597a/content

Life’s chaos can pull couples apart, but there’s hope. Remember why you fell in love and find the strength to fight for your relationship. 

Together, you can create a future filled with joy and connection.

But First . . . Can Your Marriage Be Saved? Look for These Signs

Saving a troubled marriage is certainly a challenge, but it’s not impossible. In fact, couples counseling has a 70% success rate.^[1] Not only that, but relationships that overcome major crises often report higher satisfaction.

Take Paul and Linda McCartney, for example. Their marriage thrived despite fame and public scrutiny, thanks to daily connection rituals, mutual support, and commitment. Love may not be all you need, but it sure helps!

Source: Life magazine

To evaluate if your marriage can be saved, consider these key signs:

1. Your core values are still aligned

Even if you’re both struggling right now, in your heart, you still believe in the same things. Maybe you both cherish family dinners, rescue and care for stray animals, or try to spread kindness every day. 

Those shared beliefs and values are an unbreakable thread tying you together, even during the hardest times. Treat them like your North Star — something steady that you can hold onto when everything else feels shaky — and let them guide you toward calmer waters.

2. You feel safe emotionally

You might be going through a rough patch, but even when emotions are running high, you feel safe being vulnerable. You can cry, express anger, or talk openly without fear of being belittled or dismissed. 

There’s no gaslighting or other emotional manipulation, no hurtful words meant to wound. Instead, there’s a silent understanding that each of you can be honest without the other lashing out. 

This safe space for raw feelings tells you there’s still love here — love that’s worth fighting for.

3. You respect each other

Hurt, anger, and frustration might color some of your interactions, but you still view each other as worthy partners. Maybe you admire their patience with the kids or the way they keep things organized or calm in the chaos. 

Even on your worst days, you don’t see each other as enemies. You respect each other’s strengths and that respect is like an anchor in the storm — keeping you grounded and reminding you of the reasons you came together in the first place.

4. You’re both willing to fight for each other

Both of you still show up — maybe not perfectly, but the desire to make things better is there. Maybe you’ve both agreed to see a counselor or you’re reading relationship books together. Simply making a conscious effort to be more patient with each other is a step in the right direction. 

It’s these tiny steps you take, the willingness to apologize, the open conversations at the end of a long day, built up over time that show what you have is salvageable. If you know deep down that you’d show for one another when the shit hits the fan. 

5. The good memories still spark joy

When you look back on your relationship, there are still memories that make you smile — quiet laughter over coffee on a rainy day, that first trip you took together, or the way you supported each other through tough times. 

Those memories bring warmth and hope. They remind you of the happiness you’ve shared and the potential for more joy ahead if you’re willing to reach for it.

6. The spark of attraction is still there

Physical intimacy may have faded, but every so often, you catch a glimpse of that spark — a touch, a look, a shared smile that reminds you of the mutual attraction that once brought you together. 

It’s like a slow-burning ember waiting to be reignited. That little flicker of attraction can be the starting point for reconnecting on a deeper level.

7. Your shared history has deep roots

You’ve built a life together filled with inside jokes, little routines, and deep understanding. From the way you can finish each other’s sentences to the comfort of their familiar presence, your shared history is rich. 

My girlfriend and I had this goofy game where one of us would hum a song terribly, and the other had to guess it. The worse I sang, the more ridiculous the guesses would be, and we’d both end up laughing way too hard over it. It was our silly little tradition.

Your years of shared memories, from silly moments to major milestones, create a bond that’s hard to replicate. When you remember how much of your life is intertwined, it can feel like a bond worth preserving.

How to Save Your Marriage

Rebuild emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is like the foundation of a house — you may not see it, but if it’s weak, everything else wobbles. If it’s been a while since you and your partner felt close, try the daily connection ritual. Just 30 minutes a day can bring back the spark you thought was long gone.

Kick things off each morning with three minutes of magic. Here’s how it works: Before grabbing your phone or stumbling toward the coffee, turn toward each other. Spend one minute sharing what you appreciate about your partner, one minute talking about a future dream you have together, and one glorious minute of silent, loving eye contact. 

According to a study published in the Journal of Adult Development, “Expressions of understanding and shared intimacy would increase satisfaction in relationships.”^[2] Yes, it might feel a little awkward at first but stick with it and you’ll be amazed at how it rewires those dusty, neglected relationship circuits.

Transform communication

Communication problems usually boil down to habits we didn’t even know we had. To shake things up, try the pause-and-reflect method. Research in the Global Journal of Health Science proves that “communication skill can play an important role in promoting intimacy in couples.”

Researchers Kardan-Souraki et al. report, “The depth of intimacy that people understand in their communications depends on their ability to handle correct, effective, and clear communications with the expression of feelings, needs, and desires.”^[3] 

When your partner says something that triggers a reaction, take three deep breaths and ask yourself, “What are they really trying to say?” Often, the words behind the words are softer than they seem.

Rekindle physical intimacy

Physical intimacy isn’t just about big, dramatic moments. Try the touch trail — sprinkle small, affectionate touches throughout your day. 

A six-second hug in the morning (long enough for a good dose of oxytocin), a quick hand squeeze in the hallway, or even a shoulder rub. It’s like planting little “I love yous” all day long.

Create a sensual space at home. It doesn’t have to be fancy — just a cozy corner free from distractions where you can be close without pressure. Sometimes, just sitting together in a peaceful place is enough to bring back that feeling of connection.

Create new shared experiences

Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that couples who try new things together tend to stay connected. Aron et al. write of their study, “Shared participation in novel and arousing activities was consistently associated with higher levels of experienced and behaviorally expressed relationship quality.”^[4] 

To apply this knowledge, start a weekly adventure plan. Each Sunday, take turns planning one small adventure for the week. It doesn’t have to be grand — cook something new, walk a different route, or learn a skill together. These little experiences build memories that pull you closer.

Seek professional help

Counseling isn’t just for “last resorts” — it’s marriage maintenance. Think of it as having a coach for your relationship, just like professional athletes do for their jobs. They may be naturally good at sport, but Travis Kelce wouldn’t have all those Super Bowl rings without a good coach.

There’s regular weekly counseling for ongoing support, online therapy for flexibility, and intensive retreats if you need a real deep dive. The key is to find a therapist who “gets” your challenges. Financial stress? Look for someone trained in financial therapy. Cultural differences? Seek an expert in cross-cultural relationships. 

Yes, it’s an investment, but many insurance plans now cover couples’ therapy, and some therapists offer sliding scale fees. 

Establish daily rituals for reconnection

Kick-off each day with morning minutes. Before touching your phone, spend five minutes in bed together. Talk about your dreams, share hopes for the day, or just hold hands in comfortable silence. This little ritual creates a bond that carries through the day.

My spouse and I like to spend the first five minutes comparing our fitness watch sleep scores. 

In the evening, share your highs and lows throughout the day. Talking about the best and worst parts of your day is an easy way to connect and build intimacy. Regale your partner with tales about how Bob in accounting was mad because someone ate his yogurt out of the shared fridge. You’ll laugh together and your partner will counter with a ridiculous story of their own.

These brief moments of connection add up and eventually equal intimacy.

Signs a Marriage Cannot Be Saved

Navigating the complexities of a marriage can be challenging, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, it becomes clear that the relationship may not be salvageable.

1. Ongoing physical or emotional abuse

Abuse, whether it’s through hurtful words or brutality, makes a relationship unsustainable. Constantly feeling afraid, demeaned, or controlled can break down any chance for a loving connection. 

True love doesn’t thrive in fear, and if there’s no genuine commitment to change, it is safer to step away.

If you are being abused in any way, it is not your fault, it is not OK, and help is available:

• National DV Hotline: 24/7 support via phone or chat, offering confidential help: 1-800-799-SAFE or visit thehotline.org.
• National DV Hotline Safety Plan: Create a custom safety plan for you, your children, and pets.
• Women’s shelters: Search for nearby shelters through womenshelters.org to find immediate housing and support.
• Legal Aid Society: Offers free legal help for low-income victims of domestic violence. Check out your local chapter for assistance with restraining orders or custody issues.

Note: If you search for or visit any of these websites on your phone or computer, it’s traceable. You can erase your history afterward, but it may be best to visit a library.

2. Addiction that’s ignored and left unaddressed

When addiction becomes the silent partner in a marriage, it often overshadows everything else. If your partner refuses to get help and the addiction continues to damage the relationship, the love you once shared can get lost in the struggle. 

A healthy relationship requires both partners to face their challenges head-on, and if that commitment isn’t there, it can feel impossible to move forward together.

3. Emotional detachment 

When a marriage has reached an impasse, one or both partners may detach from the relationship emotionally. This emotional distance can be like a wall between you, leaving you feeling alone even when you’re together. 

If one or both of you have completely checked out emotionally, it can be hard to imagine rekindling what you once had. When there’s no effort to reconnect or desire to share in each other’s lives anymore, the relationship may have run its course.

4. Repeated infidelity without regret

Infidelity is a heavy blow to any relationship, and when it happens repeatedly with no remorse, it can erode any sense of trust. In the Archives of Sexual Behavior, Knopp et al. share their findings that those who cheat once are more likely to do so again, suggesting an intrinsic or learned behavior pattern.

The study also found high rates of infidelity: “44% of participants reported engaging in infidelity themselves during the relationships captured by this study, 30% reporting having at least one partner who they knew engaged in infidelity, and 18% reporting that they suspected a partner of engaging in infidelity.”^[5]

If there are signs of cheating and no willingness to change or show empathy for the hurt caused, it’s like a wound that never heals. Trust is the heart of a relationship, and without it, the bond between you may feel beyond repair.

5. Fundamental value differences that divide

It’s unlikely that every single personal value of yours is going to align with your partners. But usually, when people get married, the big ones align pretty well. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always last.

Sometimes, couples grow apart in values that once seemed aligned. It might be around big issues like religion, parenting, or lifestyle choices, where neither is willing to compromise. According to a 2004 article in the Journal of Psychology, what psychologists call value conflict is a good predictor of stress.

Authors Bouckenooghe et al. argue that “incongruent environments don’t afford people opportunities to express their important values and [instead] block goal attainment. Living in such environments is likely to produce negative well-being.”^[6]

This value conflict can become the overwhelming theme of your marriage. When these differences feel like a wall separating you, and no bridge seems possible, it may be a sign that your paths are simply no longer aligned.

6. Destructive communication patterns

Constant criticism, contempt, or the silent treatment can poison a relationship over time. If both partners aren’t willing to address these toxic patterns, every conversation can feel like a battlefield, with each person on guard. 

According to Dr. Frank Fincham, a professor of psychology at the University of Florida, couples heading to dissolution featured “more interruptions, criticisms and complaining, negative solutions, and fewer self-disclosures and positive suggestions.”

He continues, “In addition, distressed couples show less pinpointing and verbalize problems in a critical way suggesting that they have poor message production skills.”^[7]

Without a willingness to heal the way you communicate, the love you once shared can become buried under layers of resentment.

7. Complete loss of trust with no path to rebuilding

Trust is fragile and once shattered, it’s hard to rebuild without both partners’ commitment. If trust has been damaged so deeply that neither of you can see a way back, it’s a hard road to walk together. 

This is because trust is so important, it actually affects our health. An article published in Personal Relationships explores the correlation between trust and health. Authors Schneider et al. find that “trust influences physical health, namely through depression and anxiety.”^[8]

If trust, or the loss of it rather, has that much effect on our mind and our bodies, in a struggling marriage, it might just deal the final blow.

Divorce Factors by Statistics

Understanding the factors of divorce is essential for comprehending marital instability. A study published in Couple and Family Psychology the most significant contributors to divorce:^[9]

• lack of commitment: a primary reason cited by 75% of participants
• infidelity: reported by 59.6% as a critical factor
• excessive conflict: noted by 57.7% as detrimental to marriage
• young age at marriage: increases risk significantly, affecting 45.1%
• financial issues: affects 36.7% of divorcing couples

What You Can Do Today to Save Your Marriage

Getting your marriage back on track requires immediate action. Start with these steps:

• Consider taking decisive action by signing up for a Mend the Marriage course. It uses proven psychology-based strategies offer the simplest, most effective road to rebuilding a marriage that’s full of genuine passion and a deep romantic connection.
• Write a heartfelt letter to your spouse expressing your commitment to saving the marriage.
• Schedule a weekly check-in to discuss relationship progress.
• Create a gratitude journal focusing on your partner’s positive qualities.
• Book a couples’ counseling session to improve your communication and resolve conflict.
• Plan a weekend getaway to reconnect without distractions.
• Establish new relationship rituals (morning coffee together, evening walks, etc.).
• Set clear, achievable relationship goals together.

Remember the touching reconciliation in the film The Story of Us with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer? Their characters’ journey from the brink of divorce to rediscovering their love demonstrates that even when things seem hopeless, there’s always a path back to each other if both partners are willing to take it.

Conclusion

In the journey to save a marriage, every small effort, every ounce of compassion, each dose of patience, counts. Relationships face storms, but with patience, open communication, and a commitment to rediscovering each other, many couples find their way back to a place of love and understanding.

Looking for more information about being in a relationship? Just follow the link.

FAQ

Reference 

1. Lebow, J., Chamber, A., Christensen, A., Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–68.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00249.x

2. Boden, J. S., Fischer, J. L., & Niehuis, S. (2010). Predicting marital adjustment from young adults’ initial levels and changes in emotional intimacy over time: A 25-year longitudinal study. Journal of Adult Development, 17(3), 121–134.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-009-9078-7

3. Kardan-Souraki, M., Hamzehgardeshi, Z., Asadpour, I., Mohammadpour, R. A., Khani, S. (2015). A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married Individuals. Global Journal of Health Science, 8(8), 53109.
https://doi.org/10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

4. Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–84.
https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.78.2.273

5. Knopp, K., Scott, S., Ritchie, L., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M. (2017). Once a cheater, always a cheater? Serial infidelity across subsequent relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2301–2311.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1

6. Bouckenooghe, D., Buelens, M., Fontaine, J., & Vanderheyden, K. (2005). The prediction of stress by values and value conflict. The Journal of Psychology, 139(4), 369–384.
https://doi.org/10.3200/JRLP.139.4.369-384

7. Fincham, F. D. (2003). Communication in marriage. In A. L. Vangelisti (Ed.), The Handbook of Family Communication (pp. 107–128). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
https://d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net/90165671

8. Schneider, I. K., Konijn, E. A., Righetti, F., & Rusbult, C. E. (2011). A healthy dose of trust: The relationship between interpersonal trust and health. Personal Relationships, 18(4), 668–676.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01338.x

9. Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., Markman, H. J. (2013). Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education. Couple and Family Psychology, 2(2), 131–145.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032025

Relationships are full of extremes. After the ecstasy and excitement of a new relationship, the comedown can be jarring. 

But it doesn’t have to be that way. 

There are reasons relationships get boring, and as luck would have it, you can do something about them.

Why Do I Get Bored in Relationships?

1. Dopamine drops over time

In the beginning of a romance, when you’re madly in love, your brain is a chemical cocktail party -– dopamine flooding your system with more intensity than normal, making every touch feel like electric magic. 

According to the Journal of Neurophysiology, “Early stage, intense romantic love is associated with subcortical reward regions that are also dopamine-rich.”^[1] This feeling doesn’t last, though. As familiarity grows, these chemical reactions naturally decrease. 

Gone are the butterflies in the stomach and the late nights learning who each other is. In its place, schedules and chores and TV shows.

2. Daily routines replace spontaneity

Monday: takeout and TV. Tuesday: gym separately, quick dinner. Wednesday: work late, microwave dinner. 

What was once a beautiful dance of spontaneous connection morphs into a choreographed performance of daily duties. 

Your shared life becomes a perfectly synchronized schedule where surprise feels like an unwelcome disruption rather than an exciting possibility.

3. Your love languages are mismatched 

You might be familiar with the theory of love languages — words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, or physical touch. This theory postulates that every person shows and receives love, for the most part, in one or two of five ways. Saying “I love you” isn’t always enough.

In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman emphasizes the significance of understanding your partner’s love language, writing, “The emotional need for love must be met if we are to have emotional health.”^[2]

If you don’t learn to speak your partner’s love language to them, they may feel emotionally unfulfilled. Over time, this disconnect can create a subtle sense of boredom or restlessness, as one or both partners begin to feel that something is missing from the relationship without fully understanding why.

4. Psychological need for growth and new challenges

People have an inherent need for growth and self-improvement. When we fail to grow, we may look around at our lives and blame the monotony on those around us. At the same time, we need partners who can encourage us to set goals and achieve them.

Psychologists say that “helpful partner support promotes personal growth and well-being.”^[3] If both partners are pursuing personal and shared goals, it can help keep the relationship dynamic and fulfilling. 

In the absence of that support, one or both partners may feel unfulfilled and the relationship can seem monotonous.

5. The impact of attachment styles

Our attachment style — secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful — affects how we experience closeness and independence in relationships. 

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone, “People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them.”^[4] People with this attachment style tend to be emotionally unavailable.

If you think your partner is contributing to your boredom with the relationship, look into their attachment style, which usually dates back to childhood. Understanding and respecting each other’s attachment styles can go a long way in navigating boredom and finding ways to keep the relationship fulfilling.

6. Social pressure and idealized expectations

Social media, movies, and romance novels often portray relationships as endlessly exciting and always fulfilling. These dramatic portrayals set high expectations for real-life relationships, creating a gap between reality and idealized romance. 

Ordinary folks aren’t constantly floating in a rowboat with Ryan Gosling or kissing passionately in the rain as a norm, even the hopeless romantics. We each get maybe one movie-worthy moment in our lives — if we’re lucky.

When you compare your day-to-day relationship to these idealized images, it can feel like your own relationship is tiresome. This misinterpretation can create feelings of dissatisfaction or restlessness, even if you’re in a stable and loving relationship.

7. Physical intimacy becomes routine

Physical connection in long-term relationships often follows a predictable pattern. What began as passionate, spontaneous encounters can become scheduled, routine, or worse — an item on the weekly to-do list. This apparent lack of passion can leave you feeling disconnected. 

Physical intimacy is a significant factor in relationship satisfaction because it boosts dopamine and oxytocin, two powerful hormones that fuel connection. According to research published in the Journal of Sex Research, couples who prioritize this part of their relationship are generally satisfied — in more ways than one.”^[5]

When physical intimacy starts to decline, whether due to busy schedules, stress, or comfort-driven habits, the lack of closeness can gradually lead to feelings of detachment or boredom.

8. Need for autonomy and self-expression

According to relationship motivation theory, “High-quality attachments and relationship satisfaction . . . require satisfaction of the autonomy need within the relationship.”^[6] Meaning: If you want to feel happy in your relationship, you both need to have your own lives, agency, and self-determination.

As a relationship grows, partners may begin to feel pressure to align their habits, routines, or preferences with each other. 

While it’s natural to share common ground, not having enough time for yourself or personal interests can limit opportunities for self-growth and self-expression. And as I said above, healthy relationships have partners who feel encouraged to grow and express themselves.

When your own needs for independence aren’t met, your brain may signal this with feelings of boredom or frustration.

9. Few shared hobbies or activities

A bit of a 180, but while partners need a healthy degree of autonomy, they also need to do things together. When partners lack shared interests, connecting can feel challenging, and one or both may start to feel alone in the relationship. Early excitement might mask this but over time, a litany of different hobbies and not a single shared one can create distance. 

For example, if one partner loves hiking but the other avoids the outdoors, or if one enjoys cooking while the other doesn’t, finding meaningful ways to bond becomes tough.

Without shared activities, couples may end up doing their own thing, which can deepen feelings of detachment. But when both make an effort to explore new interests together, it can help rekindle the “fun” and prevent either partner from feeling isolated.

Signs of a Boring Relationship 

In every relationship, it’s natural for things to feel routine now and then. However, there’s a difference between the occasional lull and the staleness that signals a deeper disconnect. 

Stuck in a routine

Imagine knowing exactly how each evening with your partner will go, right down to every word exchanged. If your time together feels like you’re following a script, it could mean you’ve slipped into emotional autopilot. 

Subtle avoidance

Avoidance can creep in without you even noticing. You might stay late at work, finding excuses to postpone coming home. Social media, scrolling endlessly, feels more engaging than face-to-face time with your partner. Or perhaps your partner is avoiding you, making you feel ignored.

One or both of you might fill your calendars with friends’ outings and activities, creating a subtle but steady distance. Even the physical intimacy you once shared feels like a distant memory. 

The home you share begins to feel more like a house you occupy rather than a place where two people genuinely connect.

Lack of physical closeness

Physical closeness is one of the most telling signs of a relationship’s temperature. When touch is reduced to the bare minimum — purely functional gestures like a pat on the back or a quick kiss goodbye — the lack of affection speaks volumes.

You find yourselves sitting further apart on the couch, and goodbye kisses feel more like an obligation than a spark of love. Physical connection has become a casualty of routine, leaving a quiet but palpable distance that makes you feel alone.

Living separate lives

At a certain point, you might notice that the two of you are no longer a cohesive team but rather two individuals coexisting. Your schedules barely overlap and meals are no longer shared experiences but solo activities. 

You can’t remember the last time you laughed together, and when you do things as a couple, it feels more like checking off a box than embracing an opportunity to bond. The sense of shared purpose has faded, replaced by individual lives that only occasionally intersect.

Deep emotional disconnect

Emotional connection is the heartbeat of any relationship and when it weakens, the impact is profound. You may find yourself sharing exciting news with friends before your partner, and your inside jokes — the language unique to just the two of you — seem like faded memories. 

Suddenly, you’re not sure what your partner’s biggest challenge is or what dreams they’re pursuing, and you’ve stopped talking about your fears, passions, and wishes. This emotional silence, while often unspoken, can feel deafening, leaving a sense of emptiness where intimacy used to flourish.

What to Do When a Relationship Gets Boring

Learning how to not get bored in a relationship requires creativity, commitment, and courage. Here’s how to fix a boring relationship with actionable, transformative strategies.

Embrace adventure together

Don’t just plan date nights — plan adventures. Embracing adventure together can significantly enhance your relationship. By stepping out of your comfort zone, you grow both individually and as a couple, becoming more resilient and adaptable. Benefits of embracing adventure together include:

• Shared experiences strengthen your connection.
• Facing challenges together enhances trust.
• New experiences encourage personal and relationship development.
• Overcoming obstacles together increases resilience.
• New adventures bring excitement and joy.
• Quality time enhances your ability to communicate effectively.

Take the plunge — plan an adventure and watch your relationship thrive!

Revolutionize your communication

Transform daily conversations from transactional to transformational. According to Stephen Covey, American educator and author, “Communication is the most important skill in life.”^[7] Here’s why communication is important: 

• Clear messages reduce confusion and misinterpretation.
• Open dialogue fosters transparency and trust.
• Effective communication helps navigate and resolve disagreements.
• Healthy discussion encourages teamwork by aligning goals and expectations.
• Individuals feel valued when they have equal roles in conversation.

Don’t know what to talk about? Try these topics to get the conversation going.

Create sacred connection spaces

Designate specific times and places where phones, work, and daily stresses are strictly forbidden. Transform your bedroom into a sanctuary of connection. Create a weekly ritual of uninterrupted time together. Turn downtime into quality time:

• Transform your balcony into a cozy conversation nook for deep questions. 
• Create a “connection corner” with comfortable seating and mood lighting.
• Establish a weekly “tech-free Tuesday” evening.
• Design a morning ritual that starts your day with a meaningful connection.

Embrace these rituals to deepen your connections and turn everyday moments into cherished memories.

Reinvent physical intimacy

Move beyond routine physical connection to explore emotional and sensual intimacy in new ways. Focus on building anticipation and maintaining playfulness throughout the day. Here are some ideas for building anticipation and reintroducing the mutual attraction that brought you together: 

• Exchange unexpected love notes.
• Create a private signal that means “I’m thinking of you.”
• Plan surprise romantic gestures.
• Learn massage techniques together.

Embrace these creative approaches to intimacy and watch as your relationship flourishes with renewed passion and connection.

Launch a radical routine shake-up

If your relationship has grown boring, it’s time to shake things up. First, learn how to balance your work life with your personal life. Then, count your personal days and . . . take one! (See? Radical.)

Use any means possible to change your routine. 

Go on a weekend getaway. Meet your partner for lunch on a weekday — eating lunch in your car is sad and weird anyway and it makes the upholstery smell like aioli. Eat dinner on the floor. Join them in the shower. Shock them with your spontaneity. 

How Not to Be in a Boring Relationship 

Here are some practical and fun tips to ensure you’re a super cool person to be with and not boring at all.

Keep some mystery alive

A lot of the advice you see out there for how to keep the mystery alive in a relationship is toxic and manipulative. Make yourself scarce, they say. Don’t be too available. Don’t show your excitement. 

This is bad advice. You don’t have to ignore your partner or hide yourself to keep the mystery alive. 

Cultivate mystery by saving your most interesting story from work for dinner conversation rather than texting it immediately. Pee with the door closed. Send flirty texts. Have relationships and activities outside of your partner, but not to spite them. Not to make them feel alone. 

Invest in your growth

Feed your personal growth by diving into a challenging six-week course that stretches your mind. Maybe it’s creative writing or financial planning — the topic matters less than your enthusiasm for it. Set one ambitious quarterly goal outside your relationship, like running a 10k or launching a side hustle.

Saturate your internal market and find your inner high-value woman. This will help make you both more fulfilled and more interesting. 

Be fearlessly vulnerable

Make space for real vulnerability during monthly deep-talk dates, phones tucked away. Share a childhood story you’ve never told anyone about — perhaps the time you got lost at the mall or your first heartbreak. Admit and discuss each other’s current struggles weekly, whether it’s imposter syndrome at work or family tension.

Find adventure

Seek solo adventures by taking a weekend trip every few months. Or better yet, encourage your partner to join you.

• Explore a new city.
• Find a breathtaking or peaceful nature spot.
• Discover a new restaurant each week on your own, then bring your partner to your favorites.
• Take up camping.
• Visit every museum in your town.
• Learn geocaching.
• Do a photo challenge.

These days, adventure is everywhere. You just have to look for it.

Create small moments of anticipation

Build sweet anticipation by hiding loving notes in your partner’s coat pocket or lunch bag throughout the week. Plan surprise date nights twice monthly — anything from sunset picnics to mystery driving adventures. Send one unexpected thoughtful text daily, sharing a memory or expressing gratitude.

Conclusion 

It’s not so much about why relationships get boring, but how. The why is simple. By understanding the how, you can prevent it from happening before it even starts.

With conscious attention and a creative spirit, your relationship’s next chapter can be even more exciting than the first.

Ready for more info about being in a relationship? Click the link!

FAQs

Why do guys get bored in relationships?

Guys get bored in relationships due to a lack of novelty or emotional connection. If routines become monotonous and communication dwindles, excitement can fade. Additionally, if one partner stops putting in effort, it can lead to feelings of disengagement and boredom. In some cases, guys get bored because they’re emotionally unavailable.

How can you tell if he’s bored with you?

You can tell he’s bored with you when he stops communicating and being affectionate. If he frequently checks his phone, avoids plans, or seems uninterested in conversations, these behaviors may indicate boredom.

Does healthy love feel boring?

Healthy love might feel boring sometimes, but it’s essential to differentiate between comfort and stagnation. When you’re comfortable in a relationship, it may not be exciting but it can still be fulfilling. A fulfilling relationship should still include shared activities and emotional engagement. 

How do I stop being a boring girlfriend?

Stop being a boring girlfriend by actively engaging in new activities with your partner. Learn to communicate openly about interests and surprise your partner with spontaneous plans. Keeping the relationship dynamic can help maintain excitement and connection.

References

1. Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., Mashek, D., Strong, G., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94(1), 327–337.
https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00838.2004

2. Chapman, G. (1995). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing.

3. Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J. O., & Simpson, J. A. (2010). Helping each other grow: Romantic partner support, self-improvement, and relationship quality. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(11), 1496–1513.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167210383045

4. Firestone, L., & Shaver, P. (2013). How your attachment style impacts your relationship. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

5. Renaud, C. & Byers, E. & Pan, S. (1997). Sexual and relationship satisfaction in mainland China. Journal of Sex Research, 34, 399–410.
https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499709551907

6. Ryan, R., & Deci, E. (2022). Self-determination theory. In F. Magino (Ed.), Encyclopedia of quality of life and well-being research (pp. 1–7). Springer International Publishing.
https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-69909-7_2630-2

7. Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Powerful lessons in personal change. Simon & Schuster.

To be clear, relationships aren’t something to be “fixed.” If you’re looking for the magic recipe to fix a relationship, manage your expectations right now. 

What you can do is heal a relationship. Like a teacup you’ve glued back together, the breaks will still be visible, but you may come out even stronger.

How to Fix a Broken Relationship: A Guide to Saving Your Love Story

“Fixing” a relationship implies the hurt and the painful memories will disappear, like poof! It doesn’t work that way, sadly.

Mending a relationship requires hard work, commitment, and partnership. With these tips, if you work together, you can get started.  

1. Confront the hard truths

If you’re expecting your partner to read your mind, guess what — this isn’t Hogwarts. We’re Muggles here, and communication isn’t a magical skill. Ask those tough questions, and confront your fears and frustrations without holding back. If work makes you feel abandoned or if their dismissive tone cuts deep, tell them.

Love doesn’t crumble in one fell swoop; it fades with every unkind word and every evening spent apart. Like a crumbling Jenga tower, each piece of neglect, unspoken resentment, every little argument you brushed aside, is a block slowly pulling your tower of love apart. 

If you avoid these hard truths, repressed thoughts will resurface and block healing. Confronting these uncomfortable realities is the only way to rebuild trust and intimacy. Take a deep breath, be brave, and start those tough conversations. 

2. Let go of the blame game

Except in some cases of relationship abuse, no one is blameless in a broken relationship. It takes two to tango.

“We blame others with the aim of getting them to see the error of their ways and change their behavior in the future,” according to research published in the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. 

Authors Tognazzini et al. continue, “One sure way to fail at this is to be guilty of the very same (or a relevantly similar) transgression as the one you are condemning.”^[1]

Maybe you think you’re the wounded party, but your passive-aggressive sighs, dismissive side-eyes, and sarcastic comments are part of the problem too. 

The truth is, you’ve probably acted like your partner was the villain of this story, but they’re just as human as you — full of flaws, dreams, and insecurities. Instead of passing the buck, try looking in the mirror. 

Admitting that you’re not a perfect romantic lead might just be the first step to healing a broken relationship. 

3. Sort out your own baggage

Every relationship brings emotional baggage — past heartbreaks, insecurities, and disappointments that can stir up issues. 

According to psychologists Fletcher and Clark, our emotional baggage can “influence . . . how we represent our own emotional experiences in our minds, what causes our own experiences of emotion . . . how our temperaments contribute to our emotional experiences in our minds, and how our emotions drive our . . . behavior towards others.”^[2]

To move forward, identify specific triggers, like feeling anxious if your partner forgets plans because of past neglect or being quick to anger due to past betrayals.

If it feels overwhelming, a therapist can help you unpack these patterns and give you tools to manage them. Then, openly share these realizations with your partner, like saying, “I get anxious when plans change because it brings back old memories.” 

Let them share, too. Acknowledging these details together strengthens trust, lightens the emotional load, and helps create a fresh start.

4. Rebuild trust in small, measurable ways

We’ve all seen those grand reality TV gestures — the limo arrivals, the 12 dozen roses, the dramatic apologies. But here’s the real deal: Trust isn’t rebuilt with flashy stunts; it’s the quiet, steady work of showing up every day. 

Consistency, not charisma, is what matters. Do what you say you’ll do. Show up when you’re supposed to. Stick to your word, even in the smallest promises. 

Being there, reliably and wholeheartedly, will rebuild that shattered trust piece by piece. This is the stuff that gets edited out of romantic comedies but makes all the difference in real life.

5. Adjust your expectations

If you’re comparing your love life to fairy tales, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Real-life love isn’t a Disney movie — there’s no enchanted castle, no glass slipper. Your partner is a flawed, complex human, not Prince Charming. And you? Not exactly Cinderella, either. 

So, let go of those “ideal” standards set by Hollywood and Instagram. Real love is about accepting imperfections and celebrating the messy, unscripted moments. Embrace your partner for who they are, quirks and all, and let go of the notion that they should fit into some dream mold. 

6. Distance from social media

Social media has become the third wheel in too many relationships. A study in Inquiries Journal found that “partners who find themselves feeling uncertain and insecure in their relationships often use Facebook and other social networking sites” to manage their relationships, including surveillance.^[3]

The constant checking, the vague sad posts meant to trigger guilt — it’s time to log out. Stop scrolling through your partner’s likes and comments, looking for hidden meaning. 

Comparison is the thief of joy and it has no business in your relationship. Your love story doesn’t need an audience or online validation. This isn’t about likes or shares; it’s about finding your way back to each other in private, where the only opinions that matter are your own.

7. Reignite the physical spark

They say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” but sometimes distance becomes the wall that keeps you apart. Physical touch is a language all its own — one that says “I’m here” without a single word. 

Don’t underestimate the power of holding hands, hugging, or just sitting close. The next time you’re together, reach out — not for grand gestures but for small touches that remind each other you’re still connected. 

How we treat our partners plays a big role in how they perceive the relationship, and something as simple as a hand on a knee, a backrub, or a caress as you walk by can help them see the relationship in a positive light.

8. Learn their love language, and practice it daily

Love languages aren’t just pop psychology — they’re real and they matter. 

As noted in a study conducted at the State University of New York, “Learning how your partner wants to be loved through experiences overtime [sic] is extremely important for a healthy relationship.”^[4] If your partner craves words of affirmation, whisper those sweet nothings. If they light up over acts of service, do something thoughtful for them. 

Dismissing your partner’s love language because it feels silly or doesn’t come naturally to you is like skipping a wedding because you didn’t get a say in the guest list. So, learn to speak it fluently and watch how it reopens doors to their heart.

9. Address your relationship’s toughest issues

True love means facing your relationship’s biggest challenges, not sweeping them under the rug. Maybe it’s broken trust, lingering resentment, or financial stress. Whatever it is, bring it into the open. 

These conversations might get raw, there might even be tears or anger. But without confronting the root of your issues, you’re just patching cracks on the surface. Dive deep, work through the pain, and start fresh, together.

10. Create new patterns

Forget your old routines. They got you here, right? So toss them out. Start by creating completely new habits that bring you closer. 

One way to do this is to set aside one night every week for a date — no excuses, no phones. 

Seriously, put the phones away. Look at each other, talk, connect. And don’t stop there. Show up for each other every day in small ways. Leave a note on their pillow saying, “Thinking of you.” 

Pick up their favorite snack on the way home. These tiny actions seem like nothing, but doing them regularly builds up the relationship piece by piece. When you stick to these new habits, you’re showing that you’re in this for the long haul.

11. Practice deep listening

Listening isn’t just standing there while they talk. You need to take in what they’re saying if you’re going to become a better communicator. 

According to Kuhn et al, “Encouraging couples to listen more attentively in daily life might create positive changes in the experience of support, with long-lasting effects on the relationship satisfaction.”^[5] 

Stop focusing on how you’re going to respond or what you’re going to say next. Just listen. 

Pay attention to their tone, their expressions, and even their pauses. When they share something — anything — don’t jump in with your point of view. Let them finish. Repeat what you heard to make sure you got it right. It’s not about being right; it’s about making them feel heard. 

For example, if they say, “I feel ignored,” don’t reply with, “Well, you ignore me too.” Instead, say, “I hear you. I’ll work on that.” This way, they feel valued, and you’re building trust.

12. Revive romance and excitement

The thrill of planning a date, getting a little nervous before seeing them — that feeling can come back, but you have to work at it. Set a date and build excitement for it. Get a new outfit. Maybe arrive separately so you can have a big reveal. 

Before the date, leave little surprises for them, like a note in their bag that says, “Can’t wait to see you tonight.” Or plan something different, like a surprise movie night or a picnic, even if it’s just in the living room. 

Stop thinking that romance will just magically happen — it won’t. Make an effort to bring back that spark. The energy you put into this is what keeps the romance alive, and yes, it’s worth it.

13. Set healthy boundaries

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re attached at the hip. You both need space, privacy, and time to do your own thing. 

Krystal Wood, licensed marriage and family therapist reveals that “Healthy boundaries can teach you that you’re the best, and only person capable of directing your life in a way that is authentically fulfilling.”^[6] Figure out what boundaries work for each of you. 

For instance, if one of you needs some quiet time after work to unwind, respect that. Or if your partner doesn’t like you looking through their phone, don’t do it. Boundaries aren’t about shutting each other out; they’re about creating a safe zone where you both feel comfortable. 

When you respect your partner’s needs, it shows that you value them as an individual, not just as an extension of yourself. It’s a way of saying, “I trust you and respect you.” Likewise, you need to expect them not to cross your boundaries either. Draw a line in the sand. 

14. Face financial issues head-on

Money fights can tear apart even the strongest relationships. Don’t pretend these issues will fix themselves. Sit down and talk about your finances. Be honest about your spending habits, debts, and future goals. 

If you tend to buy things impulsively, maybe agree to limit those purchases or discuss big expenses beforehand. Set up a budget together, one you both stick to. 

Maybe every month, sit down, check your progress, and adjust as needed. This kind of open, honest communication about money builds trust and ensures you’re both on the same page. It’s not just about the dollars; it’s about unity and working towards the same future.

15. Transform quality time into real connection

Sitting next to each other and scrolling on your phones doesn’t count as quality time. Real quality time means undivided attention — talking, sharing, laughing. Find activities you both enjoy that make you feel close. 

Try cooking a meal together or going for a walk after dinner. Use that time to share what’s on your mind, to laugh about a funny memory, or to dream about the future. 

Quality time should leave you both feeling more connected, not just like you’re going through the motions. Every time you spend real, meaningful time together, you strengthen your relationship in a way that lasts.

16. Nurture your own identity

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean losing who you are. Don’t expect your partner to be your entire world — it’s too much pressure on them and it’s unfair to you. Keep up with your hobbies, hang out with friends, and pursue personal interests. 

For example, if you love reading but haven’t picked up a book in ages, set aside time every week just for that. Or if you’ve always wanted to learn to paint, sign up for a class. 

When you’re passionate about your own life, you bring that energy back into the relationship. This keeps things fresh, prevents the relationship from feeling smothering, and helps both of you continue to grow as individuals.

Conclusion

Fixing a broken relationship isn’t easy, but if the love is worth fighting for, you’ll find that every painful step is a step toward deeper connection and understanding.

Most importantly, take decisive action. Consider signing up for a Mend the Marriage course. It uses proven psychology-based strategies offer the simplest, most effective road to rebuilding a marriage that’s full of genuine passion and a deep romantic connection.

It takes time, effort, and a willingness to change. But at the end of this difficult journey, you may find yourselves closer, stronger, and more in love than ever.

Look for more content about being in a relationship? Check out the link!

FAQ

How do I make my relationship work?

You can make your relationship work by communicating openly and listening actively. Build trust through honesty and reliability. Spend quality time together regularly and resolve conflicts early while being willing to compromise. Support each other’s growth and be there during tough times.

Should I fix my relationship or leave?

Whether you fix your relationship or leave depends on the core issues you struggle with and you and your partner’s commitment to changing them. Consider seeking couples therapy for guidance and reflect on your overall happiness in the relationship.

Can I fix my broken relationship?

Can fix your broken relationship by acknowledging the issues honestly and communicating without blame, then working together to overcome them. But the term “fix” is misleading because you can’t undo the damage like a magic wand. Instead, you can heal a troubled relationship by focusing on rebuilding trust and intimacy over time.

References

1. Tognazzini, N., Coates, D. J., Zalta, E. N., & Nodelman, U. (2024). Blame. Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy.
https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/blame/

2. Fletcher, G. J., & Clark, M. S. (Eds.). (2008). Blackwell handbook of social psychology: Interpersonal processes. John Wiley & Sons.

3. Wilkerson, K. (2017). Social networking sites and romantic relationships: effects on development, maintenance, and dissolution of relationships. Inquiries Journal, 9(3), 1.
http://www.inquiriesjournal.com/articles/1576/social-networking-sites-and-romantic-relationships-effects-on-development-maintenance-and-dissolution-of-relationships

4. Adams, A. (2020). Exploring love languages: The key to building and maintaining healthy relationships [Bachelor’s thesis, State University of New York]. SUNY Open Access Repository.
https://soar.suny.edu/bitstream/handle/20.500.12648/1622/Adams_Honors.pdf?sequence=1

5. Kuhn, R., Nussbeck, F., Bradbury, T. & Bodenmann, G. (2018). The power of listening: Lending an ear to the partner during dyadic coping conversations. Journal of Family Psychology, 6(S), 762–772.
https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/fam0000421

6. Wood, K. (2003). Setting boundaries: 100 ways to protect yourself, strengthen your relationships, and build the life you want…starting now! Adams Media.

From TikTok trends to Reddit threads, everyone’s talking about the beta male like he’s Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend.

Wait — is Travis Kelce a beta male? The facts will speak for themselves.

Source: Getty Images

What Is a Beta Male? 

A beta male isn’t just some loser who can’t get a date (major eye roll at that stereotype). These men are rewriting the whole rulebook on “masculinity.” The beta man exists in this fascinating space between traditional masculinity and modern emotional intelligence. 

A study published by the Jane Austen Society of North America discusses the concept of the beta male (Mr. Charles Bingley, anyone?), explaining, “The term ‘beta male’ might indicate the second most prestigious member of a group, the understudy or backup to the alpha.”^[1] 

If toxic masculinity is that hot guy at the bar who can’t stop flexing his muscles and talking about crypto, beta males are the ones having meaningful conversations and respecting boundaries. Revolutionary!

It’s no surprise that beta males are thriving in today’s world. While those old-school alpha types are still trying to dominate every room they walk into (exhausting much?), beta males are building successful careers, maintaining healthy relationships, and contributing to emotional and domestic labor. Where do I sign up?

Beta meaning: slang or legit?

This whole beta man concept didn’t just pop up from some random TikTok trend (though Gen Z sure loves to act like they invented it). The term comes from studying wolf packs back in the day. 

Scientists were all like, “Look at these hierarchies!” and people started applying them to human behavior. Plot twist: They later found out they were wrong about wolf packs, but the terms stuck around.

Social media has taken this concept and turned it into something else entirely. We’ve got alpha males, beta males, sigma males, omega males — it’s like the Greek alphabet threw up all over dating culture. 

But unlike your latest juice cleanse or that Mercury retrograde explanation for your bad decisions, there’s some interesting psychology behind all this.

Beta Male Characteristics: What Is a Beta Male Personality?

Exploring the beta male personality reveals a focus on teamwork and loyalty, distinguishing them from their alpha counterparts. Let’s take a look: 

1. People-pleasing tendencies

Beta males are not just your everyday “nice guys.” Their people-pleasing tendencies go above and beyond. According to mental health researcher Haddi Browne, “A people pleaser is someone who consistently prioritizes the needs and wants of others over their own, often at the expense of their own well-being and happiness.”^[2]

They’re often hyper-aware of others’ needs, driven by an internal compass that seems tuned to serving everyone around them. This goes deeper than just being polite or friendly; it’s a fundamental part of how they operate. 

People pleasers are likely to say “yes” when they should say “no” and agree with people before considering their own opinion. Sounds like a high-value man, right? Well, being constantly agreeable isn’t always a good thing. 

According to an article from the American Research Journal of Humanities & Social Science, people pleasers “can be easily manipulated and used as they don’t stand up enough for themselves as well as for those they care.”^[3] 

Author Skenteri concludes that without careful crafting of the self, this lack of “boundaries causes a disconnection from the authentic self and has consequences to their bodies and brains. People pleasers become angry, and then bitter, and then stressed and tense, until they drain and explode. . . .”

That is not to say that all beta males achieve a dysfunctional level of people-pleasing, but they do try to maintain homeostasis in their relationships and interactions, sometimes at the expense of themselves.

2. Passive decision-making

When it comes to decision-making, beta males tend to avoid it completely. As opposed to active decision-making, which involves careful research, weighing pros and cons, in passive decision-making, the beta male chooses the path of least resistance. 

They’ll defer to your opinion on everything — what to wear to dinner, what movie to watch, and even minor choices like which shirt to sleep in. Major decisions, like whether to change jobs or move to a new city, tend to be crippling for passive decision-makers.

Rather than make a bold move or risk conflict, they’d rather play a supporting role and let others steer the ship, even if it means things take longer or decisions are delayed.

3. Emotional availability

If there’s one area where beta males shine, it’s their emotional intelligence and availability. Unlike those who bottle up feelings, beta males are open about their feelings and are comfortable discussing emotions. They’re often the ones who encourage deeper conversations. 

They can easily express their feelings without needing a few drinks to loosen up. They’ll tell you when they’re stressed, excited, or upset — and they’ll expect the same openness in return.

All men are capable of feeling emotion, but they’re not all capable of embracing and expressing that emotion. Indeed, emotional unavailability stems from “an inability to understand, express or communicate, rather than an inherent inability to develop emotions,” say researchers de Boise and Hearn.”^[4] 

But beta males keep their emotions available, not tucked away. Beta males are the ones with tears in their eyes during the tender movie scenes that stoic, tough, “macho” men try to brush off.

4. Supportive nature

Beta males are the ultimate supporters, always there to lend a hand or cheer you on from the sidelines. They take the idea of being a partner or friend seriously and will go to great lengths to be there for you.

The beta male will attend your poetry reading, even if he’s not particularly into spoken word, just to show his support. If you’re preparing for a big work presentation, he’ll help you rehearse, offering thoughtful feedback even if it means staying up late. 

Hell, the beta male will attend a dozen of your concerts even though he’s completely memorized the show front to back—he’ll even guest star. In a town where all your ex-boyfriends live.

If you’re lucky enough to snag a beta male, he’ll be your biggest cheerleader, always there on the sidelines, offering to help you make it all happen.

5. Risk-averse behavior

One peculiar beta male trait is that they are naturally cautious, especially when it comes to taking risks. Research published in Professional Safety argues that a propensity toward risk-taking comes down to whether or not one is disposed more to succeeding or simply not failing.^[5] 

Beta males tend to approach risky situations with an overabundance of caution, preferring to minimize potential losses rather than maximize potential reward.

They always have insurance — not just the basics like health and car, but even extras like renters, life, and even pet insurance. Their investment portfolio is methodically researched and diversified, designed to grow steadily over time without taking on unnecessary risk.

They often pursue passion projects on the side but are hesitant to quit their stable job, preferring the security of a consistent income while slowly growing their side hustle — sort of like Travis Kelce all the sudden hosting a game show in the NFL off season. What’s that about?

Backup plans are the beta male’s specialty. He’ll have a contingency for everything — from travel plans to job moves — and even backups for those plans. If something can go wrong, they’ll be prepared for it.

6. Cooperative over competitive

Beta males value cooperation far more than competition, and they genuinely prefer building people up over winning or showing dominance.

At work, they share credit freely, making sure everyone’s contributions are acknowledged. In meetings, they’ll defer to others, allowing people to speak and share ideas, sometimes to the point of being overlooked themselves. They gravitate toward team sports or collaborative activities rather than those where individual performance is emphasized.

Team sports? I know of someone who’s great at team sports.

7. Intellectual pursuits

Beta males are more likely to flex their intellectual muscles than their physical ones, though some certainly manage to balance both. They don’t neglect mental and cultural pursuits.

In addition to hitting the gym for Instagram-worthy workouts, you’ll also find them reading books on philosophy, history, or self-improvement. They’re curious and open to learning new things, constantly feeding their mind through podcasts, documentaries, or attending lectures.

Conversations with the beta male can span a wide array of topics — from the latest novel he’s reading to deep discussions on climate change or social issues. He’s not limited to small talk.

The beta male might just know how to ball and Aristotle.

8. Conflict avoidance

Beta males tend to shy away from confrontation, preferring harmony over arguments. Research shows that “avoidance of conflict may result from fear of experiencing even worse outcomes, such as losing in a competition or being rejected.”^[6]

This conflict-avoidant behavior can sometimes be a double-edged sword. They’ll agree to watch your favorite show even if it’s something they have zero interest in, just to avoid any potential friction.

In restaurants, they’ll tip extra even if the service isn’t great, simply to avoid any awkwardness or uncomfortable confrontation.

Unfortunately, this can sometimes mean they allow others to walk all over them, particularly if they think confrontation will hurt the relationship. In group dynamics, however, they’re often the mediator, finding ways to diffuse tension or redirect the conversation when things get heated.

Hey, I never said every beta male has to embody all these traits.

Beta Male Examples

Here are some real-life beta male examples that might fit the description better than Taylor’s boyfriend: 

The tech genius: Mark Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg is serving beta male realness 24/7. Let’s analyze:

• Awkward public speaking style?
• Prefer coding to socializing?
• Married to his college sweetheart?
• Makes billion-dollar decisions but can’t pick a casual outfit?
• Would rather create a whole metaverse than deal with real-world social interaction?

Zuckerberg may be a tech billionaire, but his beta male traits keep him grounded.

The sensitive artist: Edward Norton

Edward Norton’s entire filmography is a masterclass in beta male energy:

• Fight Club: Beta male creating an alpha male alter ego
• Birdman: Beta male trying to prove himself in theater
• The Incredible Hulk: A beta male who only gets aggressive when pushed too far

He’s giving major beta energy in real life as well:

• Known for his intellectual approach to acting
• Involved in environmental causes
• More likely to be found at a charity event than a club

Norton’s beta male vibes show in both his artistic choices and real-life passion for intellectual causes.

The supportive partner: Prince Harry

Prince Harry took beta male energy to royal heights:

• Stepped back from royal duties to support his wife
• Openly discusses mental health and therapy
• Chose love over tradition
• Prioritizes family over status
• Shows emotion in public (gasp!)

Prince Harry’s decision to step back from royal life in favor of love and mental well-being shows that beta males can redefine what strength looks like. 

The humble innovator: Jack Dorsey

Jack Dorsey, co-founder of Twitter and Square, exudes quiet beta male energy:

• Prefers meditation retreats and silent reflection over flashy public appearances? Definitely.
• Keeps a low profile despite his massive influence in tech? For sure.
• Known for his minimalist style and thoughtful approach to business rather than big bold statements? Absolutely.
• More interested in solving societal issues through digital platforms than being a celebrity? 100%.

Dorsey’s subtle approach to leadership and innovation is all about low-key brilliance.

The thoughtful creator: Charlie Brooker

Charlie Brooker, creator of Black Mirror, radiates beta male vibes in the entertainment world:

• Often seen as the quiet genius behind the scenes?
• More comfortable writing dystopian scripts than attending Hollywood parties?
• Known for his sharp intellect and witty social commentary rather than a dominant public persona?
• Focused on thought-provoking work rather than chasing fame?

Brooker’s beta energy lies in his introspective creativity and intellectual depth.

Alpha Male vs Beta Male: Key Differences

Alpha males are the world’s dominant leaders, while beta males are more cooperative and supportive, leaders sure, but behind the scenes, the tight end deferring to his quarterback, if you will. These traits influence their confidence, social interactions, and emotional resilience.

Both types contribute uniquely to relationships and group settings, offering a balance of leadership and support.

Conclusion

The jury’s still out on whether Travis is a beta male, but at least now we know what a beta male is.

Being a beta male isn’t some consolation prize in the masculinity Olympics. Many of these “beta” traits are exactly what make for healthy relationships, successful careers, and genuine connections in today’s world.

Here’s hoping there’s a beta male to watch American Pie with on a Saturday night.

Looking for more information about being in a relationship? Click the link!

References 

1. Graham, P. W. (2010). Henry Tilney: Portrait of the hero as beta male. Persuasions On-Line, 31, 1.
https://www.jasna.org/persuasions/on-line/vol31no1/graham.html?

2. Browne, H. (2024). How to stop being a people pleaser. Simply Psychology.
https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser.html

3. Skenteri, C. (2024). Crafting the authentic self: The exploration of our mind and soul is what fuels our work and life. American Research Journal of Humanities & Social Science, 7(6), 46–55.
https://www.arjhss.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/06/G764655.pdf

4. de Boise, S., & Hearn, J. (2017). Are men getting more emotional? Critical sociological perspectives on men, masculinities and emotions. The Sociological Review, 65(4), 779–796.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0038026116686500

5. Cooper, D. (2003). Psychology, risk, and safety. Professional Safety, 48, 39–46.
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Dominic-Cooper-3/publication/285258014_Psychology_risk_and_safety/links/58860d824585150dde4a83bb/Psychology-risk-and-safety.pdf

6. Tjosvold, D., Yan, X., Johnson, D. W., & Johnson, R. T. (2008). Is the way you resolve conflicts related to your psychological health? An empirical investigation. Peace and Conflict, 14, 395–428.
https://doi.org/10.1080/10781910802457485