Seeing Jess, a 36-year-old marketing exec, today you’d never guess that just last spring, she was picking up the pieces of her eight-year relationship. Now she’s in a place of genuine peace and renewed confidence.

What’s her secret? A few months back, she stumbled across our breakup recovery article. One read led to another, then another — each one offering more clarity, more practical advice. 

“It was like someone finally handed me a map,” she says. 

No more stumbling through the dark, wondering if what you feel is normal. Breakup recovery isn’t random emotional chaos — it’s a journey with recognizable terrain. 

1. Emotional Whiplash

The first 72 hours after a breakup might be the most neurologically intense experience of your adult life.

For Jess, this stage hit hard. “My brain felt like it had short-circuited,” she recalls. Her body entered full-blown survival mode — racing heart, scattered thoughts, inability to eat or sleep. Her brain perceived romantic rejection as a life or death situation.

Desperate for relief, Jess dove into research, trying to make sense of the chaos in her mind. That’s when she found our article about the science of heartbreak — and suddenly, things clicked. Her brain wasn’t broken; it was reacting exactly as it was wired to. 

Here are three practical tools that helped her — and can help you — navigate this stage of breakup.

• 4-7-8 breathing reset. When your heart races and thoughts spiral, this technique interrupts your fight-or-flight response. Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, exhale for 8. 
• 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise. When you feel yourself spiraling into anxiety, identify 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste. This technique helps you stay in the present instead of replaying the past or worrying about the future.
• Japa meditation. When your thoughts are spiraling, grab a string of beads (or even a bracelet with small knots) and start repeating a simple, soothing phrase — out loud or in your mind. This could be something as simple as “I am going to be okay.” With each bead, repeat your mantra and focus on your breath.

Just as Jess began to regain her footing with these techniques, an illusory calm settled over her.

2. Denial

There’s a phase in breakup recovery that feels deceptively like acceptance.

Just when the shock began to wear off, Jess entered a phase of complete emotional dissociation. She found herself telling friends she was “totally fine” while mechanically going through daily routines. 

“I convinced myself the breakup was temporary and he’d come back once he ‘found himself.’ I even kept our shared Netflix account active.”

While it’s true that taking a break can be good for a relationship, clinging to hope instead of accepting reality is denial in a nutshell. 

It’s our evolutionary coping mechanism. Our brain cannot sustain high-intensity grief indefinitely. Dissociation allows us to absorb reality gradually, in manageable doses. 

With a pragmatic approach, you can move safely through the dangerously comforting waters of denial:

• Say it out loud. Every day, tell someone: “We broke up. It’s over.” Hearing yourself say it reinforces reality and stops you from clinging to “maybe.”
• Reclaim your life. To go no contact, unsubscribe from shared accounts, pack away his things, and change routines that keep him present. Bonus: Think about things you couldn’t do when you were together and go do them (I got a dog, best decision of my life).
• Disrupt the fantasy. Your brain clings to the good parts, so actively remind yourself why it ended. Write about your ex’s worst behaviors and reflect on the red flags you missed. Read the list as if your bestie had written it about her ex. This shifts your perspective and exposes the illusion.

Then one morning, three months after her breakup, the protective numbness shattered, replaced by uncontrollable rage.

3. Anger and Resentment

This phase of heartbreak terrifies most people but is also the most necessary.

The rage hit Jess without warning. Suddenly she was filled with rage — at him, at herself, at the entire situation. She was angry that she’d wasted eight years of her life with a guy who saw no future with her. She was angry that she wasn’t the one who called it quits. She was even angry at happy couples she saw on the street.

Socially, we tend to demonize anger and suppress it, especially women, but anger is the emotional immune response to violation. It tells you that your boundaries were crossed and helps you protect yourself in the future. The key is expressing it constructively rather than destructively.

To channel anger effectively, consider these evidence-based approaches:

• Move your anger. Your body needs a physical outlet for the emotional storm. Try boxing, sprinting, or even scrubbing your kitchen like it personally offended you. Anything that makes you sweat will help release tension.
• Write it, don’t send it. Grab a notebook and let it all out. Write the unsent letter, unfiltered and raw. Say everything you never got to say. Then, when you’re ready, reflect on what’s beneath the anger — hurt, disappointment, humiliation?
• Reframe it. Anger thrives on extreme thinking: “I wasted years of my life,” or “He never cared.” To break the cycle, try the ABCD method:
  • Adversity: Name what’s making you angry. (“The breakup happened after eight years together.”)
  • Belief: Identify the thought fueling your anger. (“I wasted my time.”)
  • Consequence: Notice how this belief makes you feel. (“I’m stuck, resentful, and blaming myself.”)
  • Dispute: Challenge the belief. (“Did I really waste time, or did I learn, grow, and experience love?”)

As her anger gradually subsided, Jess found herself caught in a different kind of struggle: obsessive analysis. 

4. Bargaining (aka Looking for Answers)

This phase of heartbreak is where logic and desperation collide.

Jess found herself awake at 3 a.m., scrolling through old texts, analyzing every word, every punctuation mark. “Maybe if I had phrased that differently, he wouldn’t have pulled away,” she thought. She reread their last argument, dissected his body language in their final conversation, even searched for hidden meanings in his Spotify playlist.

Desperate for clarity, Jess landed on our article about closure — and suddenly, it all made sense. 

Bargaining is your mind’s desperate attempt to rewrite history. Your brain craves control and if it can’t undo the breakup, it will attempt to make sense of it by searching for explanations. The problem? Most breakups don’t have a single, clean answer. And even if they did, no amount of mental gymnastics will change the outcome.

Escape the exhausting spiral of overanalysis:

• Interrupt your thoughts. Every time you catch yourself ruminating, say (out loud if possible), “Stop. This isn’t helping.” Then immediately redirect your focus — stand up, stretch, blast your favorite song, call a friend. 
• Accept the unacceptable. Sometimes, the hardest truth is that there is no satisfying explanation. One simple way to start? Write a single sentence on a piece of paper: “I will never fully understand why, and that’s okay.” Read it every time you feel yourself slipping back into analysis mode.

Jess eventually realized that no amount of searching would change what had happened. And the moment she let go of the “why,” she finally had space to focus on the “what’s next.”

But before she could fully move forward, she had to grieve what was lost.

5. Sadness and Depression

This is the stage everyone expects, but knowing it’s coming doesn’t make it any easier. 

Six months after her breakup, Jess faced a new challenge. The anger had faded. The mental gymnastics had exhausted itself. What remained was a profound sadness that settled into her bones. “I’d thought I was doing better, but this sadness felt like it went all the way to my core,” Jess remembers.

Sadness after a breakup isn’t just emotional — it’s biochemical. Brain imaging studies show that heartbreak depletes dopamine and serotonin, the very neurotransmitters responsible for motivation and happiness. Your body interprets the loss like withdrawal from an addiction, which is why everything feels dull and exhausting.

Late one night, while mindlessly scrolling through breakup forums, Jess learned about post-breakup depression. It was the first time she realized she wasn’t just “sad” — she was depressed. 

Here’s what actually helps when you’re stuck in this stage:

• Apply the “two-task” rule. When sadness makes everything feel overwhelming, give yourself just two things to accomplish each day — one for your body (like a short walk or making a meal) and one for your mind (like reading 10 pages of a book or journaling for five minutes). No pressure to be productive — just keep moving, even in small ways.
• Schedule cry time. If you feel emotionally flooded all day, set a 20-minute timer and give yourself full permission to cry, and just feel. When the timer ends, physically reset — wash your face, change clothes, go outside. This trains your brain to process sadness without letting it take over the whole day.
• Make a “comfort list.” When you’re sad, thinking of ways to comfort yourself can feel impossible. Instead, make a list now of small, comforting activities — watching a favorite childhood movie (Anne of Green Gables anyone?), rereading a book, or baking cookies. When sadness hits, pull out the list and pick one thing.

Jess didn’t wake up one day magically “over it.” But by stacking these small habits daily, she slowly started to feel human again. The fog lifted, little by little. And before she knew it she was stepping into the next stage.

6. Acceptance and Emotional Healing

One day you just wake up and you feel like yourself again.

For Jess, acceptance wasn’t a single moment. It was a series of small shifts. One day, she realized she hadn’t checked his Instagram in weeks. Another day, she laughed — really laughed — at something her friend said. She still thought about him but it no longer felt like a knife to the chest.

Acceptance isn’t about “getting over it” or forgetting the past. It’s about making peace with it. The pain doesn’t vanish — it just stops controlling you. Instead of feeling like a victim of heartbreak, you start seeing yourself as someone who survived it.

Jess learned to let go, and for the first time, she wasn’t searching for answers about him. She was searching for ways to build a life she actually wanted. Here’s what helped her — and what can help you too:

• Forgive yourself first. Regret is part of healing, but self-blame isn’t. Maybe you stayed too long, ignored red flags, or said things you wish you hadn’t. That’s called being human. Instead of punishing yourself for what you didn’t know, acknowledge what you do know now — and use it to build better relationships in the future.
• Redefine your story. Instead of framing the breakup as a failure, rewrite the narrative. What did you learn? How did this relationship shape you? If your best friend told you this was the chapter before something better, would you believe her?
• Love again — platonically. Love doesn’t just come from romance. Strengthen your friendships, reconnect with family, or even adopt a pet. Letting love in from other sources reminds you that love didn’t leave your life — one person did.

One evening, Jess caught herself humming in the kitchen — something she hadn’t done in months. She paused, realizing it was the first time in a long time she felt the cozy warmth of emotional peace. The breakup didn’t break her, but it did change her.

7. Finding Meaning 

What is broken is not ruined. It is remade.

That’s the philosophy behind Japanese art called kintsugi, the practice of mending broken pottery with gold. Instead of disguising the cracks, it highlights them — transforming something broken into something even more beautiful.

Heartbreak feels like shattering. But like kintsugi, healing is honoring the past, learning from it, and letting it make you stronger. 

The heartbreak transformed Jess into a wiser, more compassionate version of herself. One day, she caught herself giving advice to a newly heartbroken friend, realizing how mature and sensible she sounded. 

The final stage of healing is about moving forward with purpose. Here’s how to embrace your own kintsugi moment:

• Identify your takeaways. Write down three things you learned from this experience — about healthy love, about the importance of boundaries, about yourself. This isn’t about rehashing the past but about recognizing how it shaped you.
• Create a new vision. You’re not just closing a chapter — you’re writing a new one. Where do you want to go from here? What kind of love, friendships, career, and experiences do you actually want? Even small steps toward these goals make the future feel exciting again.
• Help someone else. When you’re ready, take what you’ve learned and share it. Whether it’s supporting a friend, volunteering in your community, or simply being more intentional in your next relationship, turning your pain into purpose is one of the most healing things you can do.

Months after her breakup, Jess found herself walking through her favorite bookstore, drawn to the travel section. She smiled, remembering that solo trip she had always dreamed of taking. And this time, she didn’t just think about it — she booked it.

Things to Remember as You Heal

Jess wasn’t alone in her recovery journey — she had her friends and the entire Break the Cycle Ending a Relationship selection to guide her. Explore these avenues for building a support system:

• Therapy and counseling. If your breakup has triggered deep anxiety, depression, or unresolved trauma, therapy can provide personalized support.
• Support groups and online communities. Whether it’s a local support group or an online space like r/BreakUps, talking to people who get it can be a game changer.
• Breakup recovery programs. Programs like The Breakup Bootcamp by Amy Chan and the Mend self-care app offer step-by-step guidance to help you move forward.

I’ve simplified Jess’s story to give you a roadmap, a sense of direction. But these are broad concepts, universal truths about how we process loss. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this journey:

• Healing looks different for everyone. There’s no set timeline for moving on. Some people feel better in months; for others, it takes longer. Your healing process is unique to you, shaped by your past, your attachment style, and the depth of the relationship. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s.
• The power of self-compassion. You wouldn’t judge a friend for struggling after a breakup — so why be so hard on yourself? Self-compassion means allowing yourself to grieve, make mistakes, and take your time without shame. Be kind to yourself.
• Seek professional support for deeper healing. If your breakup is triggering an overwhelming emotional response, reaching out to a therapist can be a game-changer. Therapy is a space to untangle emotions, rebuild self-worth, and create a future that feels good again.

Remember, the pain you feel today is creating space for new joy tomorrow. You are stronger than you know, and on the other side of this heartbreak is a version of yourself you haven’t even met yet.

FAQs

(No events have been altered to protect anybody’s identity. It’s all a 100% true story.)

This moment has been carved into the deep tissue of my brain. We were in the heart of the pandemic lockdown when, in the middle of the first episode of Space Force, my boyfriend of five years turned to me and said, “I can’t do this anymore.”

I assumed it was a tense patch — work stress, global chaos, anything but the end of us. Then he packed his bags and walked out, never to be seen again.

So, at 31, in the thick of isolation, I was grieving a loss I never saw coming, with no one to see and nowhere to go. And so I sat with my emotions, not out of choice, but because I had no choice. 

Through this experience, I got to know post-breakup depression intimately.

Why Depression Follows a Breakup

If you’ve ever watched Death Becomes Her, you may remember the scene when Goldie Hawn is shot through the torso with a shotgun. That’s exactly how I felt, just that in my case, the blast was aimed right at my heart. The pain was unimaginable.

After the initial shock and weeks of crying, I settled deeply into numbness. It was depression, unfolding in layers, shaped by a mix of emotional and biological forces.

• Sudden loss of emotional attachment. What we perceive as love is actually a neurological bond. When that bond is severed, it leaves behind an absence that the brain interprets as a loss, triggering a grief response similar to mourning a death.
• The body’s physiological response to loss. The sudden drop in dopamine and serotonin — neurotransmitters that regulate mood and motivation — can lead to feelings of deep sadness, lethargy, and emotional numbness.
• Erosion of self-worth. The unexpected loss of validation and rejection from someone to whom you’ve opened up and trusted can magnify existing insecurities, increasing vulnerability to depressive episodes and prolonging emotional distress.
• Resurfacing of unresolved wounds. If past abandonment, betrayal, or neglect were never fully processed, a breakup can bring those emotions rushing back. 
• Isolation deepens the spiral. Depression thrives in loneliness, and breakups can make you feel cut off from the world. If your relationship was a major source of emotional connection, its absence can feel, well, depressive.

For me, it all felt like life was happening behind a glass door, and I was its passive spectator. But that was only one of the symptoms.

Symptoms of Post-Breakup Depression

There’s one very harmful misconception about depression that we need to address.

My life carried on — I worked, achieved, got promoted, went out, laughed. People thought I was okay because I didn’t seem sad. But being depressed doesn’t always mean under-functioning. Sometimes, you function so well that even you start to believe you’re fine. 

That is until you remember that nothing feels real, and nothing really matters.

So, forget about the stereotypical portrayal of depression. Read this list instead — it may give you a deeper understanding of what depression really looks like:

• Constant exhaustion. I wasn’t just tired, I was perpetually depleted. I woke up drained, no matter how much I slept. Everything felt like an effort. 
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions. Even choosing a meal felt impossible. My mind was slow, my focus nonexistent. I was constantly overwhelmed by life itself.
• Loss of interest in daily activities. I neglected everything from my tennis practice to grocery shopping. I lived off takeaways and premade meals. Nothing felt worth doing anymore. I only showed up for things I was legally obligated to do.
• Changes in sleep and appetite. Some nights, I barely slept. On other nights, I crashed for 14 hours and still woke up exhausted. Food lost its taste — I either ate mindlessly or not at all.
• Withdrawal from social connections. I couldn’t bring myself to reply to messages. It took energy and enthusiasm I simply didn’t have. Even basic interactions felt draining, so I stopped showing up. It was easier to just disappear.
• Persistent feelings of worthlessness or guilt. My mind was ruthless. If you had done things differently, maybe he’d still be here. Depression feeds on self-blame, turning regret into a relentless loop of doubt.
• Intense or prolonged sadness that won’t lift. Some days, I felt nothing. Other days, grief hit me like a wave, drowning me in memories I didn’t want to recall.
• Thoughts of hopelessness or self-harm. The scariest part was feeling like I’d failed somehow, like nothing would ever get better. Hopelessness dominated my entire existence. 

Need help? Call 988, or text HOME to 741741 (US & Canada)

In this state, the mind convinces you that this numbness is your new reality, that nothing will ever matter again, that you’ll always feel this way. But depression is a master of distortion. It makes permanence out of passing states. The truth is that even the heaviest fog eventually lifts — but not by itself.

The Way Out of Depression

Most people try to heal depression in the most ineffective way. 

I heard a story on Tara Brach’s podcast that captures this perfectly. A woman collapsed due to a medical condition, and people, instinctively, rushed to lift her up — but she couldn’t get up, she wasn’t ready to stand. Then, one person did something different. Instead of lifting her, they lay down beside her, meeting her where she was until she was ready to rise on her own.

This is what healing from depression requires. Not forcing yourself to “snap out of it,” not trying to bypass the pain, not letting others rush you into feeling better. 

The only way out is through. 

Real healing starts here.

• Sit with the pain before you try to escape it. I know this advice sounds as appealing as putting your hand into the fire, but trust me — it’s the only way (unless you want to find yourself in the same place again in a few years). It will feel overwhelming at first, but start with just 10 minutes a day of sitting with your emotions. Over time, you’ll be able to sit longer, and the intensity of the pain will lessen.
• Move your emotions. Emotions are energy — they need a way out. (Think it’s woo-woo? Then why do you scream when you’re mad?) Try Yin Yoga, shake your arms, stomp your feet, or do a few slow stretches. I, for instance, love shouting into a pillow when anger won’t leave my body. And of course, there’s crying. 
• Be deliberately kind to yourself. If beating yourself up worked, it would have by now. Instead of spiraling into self-criticism, write down in a journal one harsh thought and reframe it as if you were comforting a friend.
• Remove the emotional triggers. Checking his profile won’t give you closure — it just reopens the wound. Block, mute, archive — whatever it takes to stop feeding the addiction. Not ready for that? Tell yourself it’s just for 30 days.
• Ground yourself in nature. You don’t need to go on a four-hour hike — just step outside. Walk aimlessly, touch a tree, feel the air. If that’s too much, sit on a bench and let the world move around you. Nature anchors you in the present, pulling you away from chronic overthinking.
• Find refuge in creativity. Draw, scribble, get one of those adult coloring books. Buy Play-Doh, or stack Legos. For example, I did jigsaw puzzles and photo shoot-style makeup. Creativity is your friend. It helps release emotions and brings you back to the present.
• Find one person you can be real with. For me it was my therapist, but anyone who won’t tell you to just “move on” will do. If talking feels like too much, sit in the same room as someone. Your only job is to be honest about what and how you feel. No putting on masks. No pretending everything is fine. Let that one person witness your pain.

It took me two years to get out of the darkness. Two very sad, very lonely years. But one day, I realized I got excited about something. I don’t even remember what it was, but I remember the feeling. I was looking forward to something. And for the first time in what felt like forever, I wanted to live again. 

But I know those who stayed in the dark, and their stories are not as uplifting.

Impact of Untreated Depression

My friend experienced a similar heartbreak shortly after me, but she took a different approach. 

She immediately started numbing her pain with all sorts of substances. She distracted herself and acted like she was fine. At some point, I even envied her — she seemed to have moved on so easily. But years passed, and she’s still stuck. The depression never left; it just seeped into other areas of her life.

Following in her footsteps can take you down a rabbit hole of dysfunction:

• Become dependent on antidepressants. Medication can stabilize you at first, and there’s no shame in taking antidepressants, but it won’t heal the grief. Relying on mood stabilizers too long can make it harder to remember how to feel good on your own.
• Stay frozen in time. Life moves forward, but you remain stuck in the past, stuck in a loop of what-ifs and if-onlys, emotionally tethered and unable to fully engage with the present or envision a future beyond it.
• Become a Debbie Downer. My friend took a personality test at work and was stunned when it labeled her as negative. I wasn’t as shocked. She had been carrying her sadness for so long that it became part of her presence.
• End up in a cycle of dead-end relationships. Unresolved pain doesn’t just sit quietly — it shapes who you’re drawn to. I listened to my friend talk about guys, and they were all “same same but different but still the same.” Variations of her ex, the one she never spoke about, like he was the boogeyman. 
• Struggle with suicidal thoughts. Depression convinces you it will always be this way, and that life has no meaning. Do not believe it! 

Need help? Call 988, or text HOME to 741741 (US & Canada)

Your Next Steps

Don’t judge yourself for where you are. Your brain is trying to process loss, and right now, it’s overwhelmed. The most important thing you can do is be on your own side.

Here’s what helped me:

• I stopped fighting myself. Instead of berating myself for feeling like this, I accepted it. It was grief. It was heartbreak. It was normal.
• I learned how to self-soothe. I found ways to regulate my nervous system — breathing techniques, grounding exercises, and warm baths.
• I surrounded myself with love. Not romance, but warmth — people who saw me, who didn’t rush me to “move on.” If you don’t have those people, find them. Online groups, therapy, even books that speak to you. You deserve love.

Wherever you are, keep going. You won’t feel like this forever — I promise.

FAQs

References

1. Krishnan, V., & Nestler, E. J. (2008). The molecular neurobiology of depression. Nature, 455(7215), 894–902.
https://doi.org/10.1038/nature07455

2. Vitti, A. (2013). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.

Becky is 39. Becky is smart, funny, and the type of woman who remembers your birthday without Facebook reminders. Becky has been married for twelve years. Becky loves her husband. Becky hasn’t had an orgasm in five years.

Rethinking the “Sexless” Marriage

A marriage is typically considered “sexless” if sex occurs fewer than 10 times per year.^[1] 

Did you just start mentally tallying how many times you’ve had intercourse this year?

For at least two thousand years, the narrative of sex has been so androcentric that we’ve been trained to equate sex with penetration. But that’s not how intimacy works (at least not for half of the population).

Most studies define a sexless marriage as one lacking any kind of sexual activity that involves mutual sexual pleasure, not just penetrative sex.^[2] This means oral sex, manual stimulation, and other forms of sexual intimacy (as long as both of you view it as part of your sexual connection).

The key factor isn’t just what kind of sex, but rather whether physical intimacy exists in a way that feels fulfilling and present in the marriage.

And Becky? She wrote off intimacy as a thing of the past. That is, until her husband started talking divorce.

Why Marriages Become Sexless

Becky used to love the way her husband, Tom, touched her.

There was a time when his hands lingered at her waist, when she could feel his desire in the way he pulled her close, the way he gently kissed her neck, sending a shiver down her spine.

That was before life happened. Before the kids, the schedules, the exhaustion. Before she started seeing herself as a woman responsible for everything — except her own pleasure.

Women stop seeing themselves as sexual beings

Saying a drop in libido causes sexlessness is only part of the story.

Becky didn’t plan to stop wanting sex. After the honeymoon phase faded, she realized something terrifying: She had no idea how to ask for what she wanted. Hell, she wasn’t even sure what she wanted. Those first years of passion ran on instinct and newness. But now?

How do you tell your loving husband you want him to pull your hair? How do you admit you fantasize about reenacting some Fifty Shades of Grey themes when there’s a PTA meeting tonight? How does a respectable mother of two confess she wants to be devoured?

So, Becky stopped thinking about her own pleasure. There were always more important things to do anyway. But the more she ignored her own sexuality, the harder it became to access it.

But sexuality doesn’t come with an expiration date — no matter what society might have us believe. It’s always within reach, waiting for you to reconnect. Here are a few practices from my own playbook that help me tap into that sexy, sensual energy:

• Treat yourself as the Most Important Guest. Clean your space as if you were a VIP. Cook your favorite meal. Open the bottle of wine you’ve been saving for “special occasions.” Put on the dress you only wear to “go out.” Then, just enjoy your own company. Afterward, journal about how it all made you feel.
• Pleasure yourself (no, not in the way you think, though that can help too). Run a bath with rose petals, just like in the movies. Buy yourself a silk robe in an impractical color, just because it makes you feel divine. Stroke your own skin, run lotion over your arms and legs and savor the sensation. Touch yourself in a way you’d touch someone you love.
• Move your hips. Dance, sway, seductively roll your hips (doesn’t matter that you cannot do it like Tyla in “Water,” dance anyway). Your hips are the center of your creative and sensual power, move them. I love swaying to “Obsesion” by Aventura. 

Becky’s problem wasn’t that she didn’t want sex. It was that she didn’t know how to want it anymore. And Tom? He didn’t know how to help her find her way back.

Men think desire is a switch that flips

There’s a not-so-secretive secret to a woman’s desire that most men refuse to learn.

Becky knew Tom wanted her. That was never the problem. He reached for her, kissed her neck, slid his hand across her waist, but instead of feeling desired, she felt . . . nothing. Worse than nothing — pressure, guilt: “Why don’t I want him back?” “What’s wrong with me?”

There’s nothing wrong with Becky. It’s just that, especially later in life, many women need context for desire to spark. They don’t get excited, just like that. They need something to get excited by.

There are two main types of desire:

• Spontaneous desire: This is the kind of desire that pops up out of nowhere — an urge that hits without warning, like flipping on a switch. It’s the version of arousal we see in movies and TV, where passion strikes suddenly and effortlessly.
• Responsive desire: This kind of desire isn’t the lightning bolt, but more like the ember that needs a little tending to catch fire. It awakens after something stirs it to life — a lingering touch, a sexy text, or a conversation that makes you feel truly seen and understood.^[4]

That’s why books like Fifty Shades of Grey and A Court of Thorns and Roses captivate so many women — they offer anticipation, flirtation, and a space for attraction to slowly ignite.

Desire is also influenced by what turns you on and what shuts you down:

• Accelerators are the things that spark arousal: a playful text, deep conversation, or a man using power tools — whatever floats your boat. These moments create space for desire to grow naturally.
• Brakes, on the other hand, are the desire-killers. Stress, emotional disconnection, those saggy sweatpants he wears, or even the pressure of expected intimacy can slam the brakes hard. 

Attraction often isn’t something that just happens, but something we ignite. A truth buried under centuries of misguided rules.

Society conditions us to have a broken relationship with sex

Sex twice a week. Fifteen minutes per session. Two orgasms each. Is it just me, or does our approach to sex resemble a performance review?

Perhaps Becky and Tom could have spared themselves years of frustration had they realized their issue wasn’t truly about sex. It was about the misleading narratives they’d absorbed regarding what sex should be.

We all grew up with conflicting, unrealistic, and androcentric ideas about sexuality and desire:

• Sex is for men. Women’s pleasure is often treated as secondary or optional. Until recently, many definitions of orgasm even included ejaculation as a requirement. Interesting, isn’t it?
• Desire should be effortless. If you have to “work” at wanting sex, something must be wrong with you. Again, a fundamental misunderstanding of spontaneous vs. responsive desire.
• Good women don’t crave sex. Passion is framed as inappropriate for respectable women, especially mothers. Think that’s outdated? Watch The Idea of You and see how the main character is shamed for daring to want a sex life as a mother.
• Sex equals penetration. Intimacy is reduced to one act, ignoring the full spectrum of pleasure.

For women, the problem is twofold: We are told that desirability is our worth, but that wanting sex too much makes us “less respectable.”

So, women internalize the idea that sex is for men. They never learn about their own pleasure — and even if they wanted to, where? From whom? 

Eventually, they stop wanting it at all. 

As an exercise, write down your limiting beliefs about sex. What have you been taught about sexuality that’s holding you back? What fears or judgments are keeping you from embracing your full pleasure? Get them out of your head and onto paper.

And just like that, sex fades, Tom feels rejected, Becky feels broken, and neither of them understands the real issue. But they’re both paying the price.

How Does a Sexless Marriage Affect Spouses

The loss of intimacy was changing who they were — not just as a couple, but as people.

Becky stopped wearing the red lipstick she loved. Tom’s easy laugh became rare. They were becoming smaller versions of themselves. “I love you, Bex, but I don’t want to live a sexless life for the rest of my days.” Tom’s words hung in the air, heavy with love and frustration.

They were beginning to understand intimacy wasn’t a luxury, it was the foundation. And now, they were facing the painful cost of a marriage without it.

• Loneliness sets in. Without emotional connection, conversations shrink to surface-level updates — schedules, chores, plans. Partners talk, but they no longer connect.
• Confidence plummets. Disconnection from one’s own sexuality leads to self-doubt. Becky hates her body and stops wearing what makes her feel good. Tom withdraws and feels less sure of himself. They both feel invisible.
• Stress finds no release. Physical intimacy releases oxytocin and reduces cortisol, helping partners feel bonded and at ease. Without it, stress lingers, tensions rise, and emotional exhaustion sets in.
• Avoidance becomes normal. One partner hesitates to initiate, fearing another rejection. The other dreads intimacy, feeling pressured rather than desired. Both wonder if the problem is them, and the distance grows.
• Eyes and hearts can wander. It’s not just about physical needs — people seek validation, attention, and connection. When those things are missing at home, the temptation to find them elsewhere grows.

Becky and Tom were watching their marriage unravel in slow motion. But they still had one thing left: the choice to fight for what they once had.

The Way Out of a Sexless Marriage

Most couples trying to fix their sex life are solving the wrong problem.

The lingerie Tom got her lay unused at the bottom of the drawer. She felt stupid in it. Scheduled date nights turned into exercises in disappointment. Every “solution” they tried felt more awkward than arousing.

But Becky and Tom discovered that you can rebuild desire from the ground up. It starts with something far more vulnerable than silk and lace: honesty. You might find yourselves making some awkward confessions:

• I fake my orgasms because I don’t know how to tell you what actually feels good.
• I’m scared that if I tell you my fantasies, you’ll think I’m perverted.
• Sometimes I avoid your touch because I know I can’t give you what you want.
• I feel like a failure every time you turn away from me.

Both partners are carrying their own shame, their own fears, and their own unexpressed needs. So, how do you start talking when the words get stuck in your throat?

• Make it funny. Put on a dinosaur onesie and talk about sex. Seriously. It’s hard to feel awkward when you’re dressed as a T. rex. Or wear party hats, or those ridiculous glasses with the mustache. Sex isn’t supposed to be serious. It’s play, so be playful.
• Write it down. Sometimes the words flow better on paper. Write letters to each other about your desires and fantasies. Take your time. Be honest. You might find that writing it down is actually arousing.
• Talk it through. A sex therapist helps you understand your desires, work through shame, and undo cultural conditioning around sex. If talking about sex feels awkward, why not try it with someone whose job is to make it easier? 
• Guide his hands. Teach your husband how you want to be touched. Your pleasure shouldn’t be a guessing game. Don’t assume he just knows. He doesn’t. If something isn’t working for you, say it. If something feels amazing, let him know.
• Apply the 6-second rule. Kiss or hug for a minimum of six seconds. I know it sounds silly, but it isn’t. It is a very important part of rebuilding intimacy. Physical affection releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone that deepens emotional connection.
• Redefine sex. Forget everything porn taught you about intimacy. Take a tantric workshop or a sensuality class. Learn about slow touch and sensual massage (YouTube is full of such videos). Discover what pleasure means beyond the rush to orgasm. 

For Becky and Tom, it wasn’t one solution but all of them. It took time. It wasn’t always easy. But they found their way back to each other. Which is not always the case.

Can Love Survive Without Sex?

You can have lots of sex and still feel emotionally disconnected. You can have deep emotional intimacy but rarely have sex. But when both are missing? That’s when alarms should ring.

Of course, dry spells happen. Sex isn’t always the top priority. 

What matters is emotional intimacy: the shared morning coffee, the way you still lean on each other when life gets hard. For some couples, this deep emotional connection is enough to sustain a fulfilling relationship without sex.

But both partners need to be truly okay with this arrangement. 

If one person feels constantly unfulfilled or resentful, that’s a deal-breaker. Some couples find peace in redefining their marriage without sex (at the end of the day, friendship is the real basis of any marriage). Others discover this gap reveals deeper incompatibility.

The only “right” way to be married is the way that works for both partners.

But what if it’s not working? What if the distance feels less like a temporary path and more like the final destination?

Stay or Leave?

Leaving might give you a fresh start, but it won’t solve deeper issues, especially if those issues are tied to your own relationship with sex, intimacy, and self-worth. If you’re struggling with feelings of rejection, inadequacy, or shame, a new partner won’t heal that wound.

Don’t underestimate the value of what you’ve already built. A long-term marriage isn’t disposable. It’s layered with shared history, mutual support, and deep connection — things that don’t magically appear in a new relationship and are easily taken for granted.

But if you’ve tried everything — talking, counseling, rediscovering each other’s bodies — and yet, the bedroom remains cold. Maybe you’ve passed the point of no return, or perhaps you need to give it more time. 

When is it time to walk away?

• The lack of sex is just the surface of something deeper. A sexless marriage can be the symptom of deeper marital issues, such as unresolved resentment, financial stress, or even emotional neglect. If intimacy is gone and the emotional foundation is crumbling too, the issue runs deeper than what happens (or doesn’t) in the bedroom.
• Your partner isn’t willing to meet you halfway. A marriage can survive a lot, but not a one-sided effort. If your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem or work toward a solution, that unwillingness speaks louder than any words.
• Your mismatched desires are making you miserable. Sexual rejection seriously impacts self-worth. If every attempt at intimacy leaves you feeling rejected, inadequate, or unwanted it might be time to ask if this relationship is still meeting your most basic needs.
• There’s been infidelity, and the trust is gone. Cheating changes everything. If your partner’s affair has made rebuilding trust — and physical connection — feel impossible, it might be a sign that the damage runs too deep. Without mutual trust, true intimacy can’t grow back.
• Sex has become a tool for control. When either partner uses sex as leverage — to manipulate, punish, or maintain control — it’s emotional abuse. In a healthy relationship, sex is a source of joy, not a bargaining chip.
• You want intimacy — but not with your partner. Attraction can fade, but when the idea of being intimate with your spouse feels uncomfortable or even repellent, it’s more than just a rough patch.
• Even therapy couldn’t close the gap. You went to therapy. You had the hard conversations. You both tried — really tried. But despite your best efforts, nothing changed. 

For more guidance on walking away from a sexless marriage, see our anthology of advice on ending a relationship. 

Additional reads: 

• Journaling for Healing: Rediscovering and Empowering Your Inner Self
• How to Make Yourself More Attractive and Build Your Confidence
• Unsure If Your Husband Still Loves You? Here’s How to Know
• Feeling Alone in a Relationship? You’re Not Alone
• Think You’re Falling Out of Love? Learn to Recognize the Signs
• How to Turn a Man On: The Ultimate Guide for the Blissfully Clueless
• 80+ of the Best Dirty Pick-up Lines to Spice Things Up (NSFW)

FAQs

References

1. Weiner Davis, M. (2003). The sex-starved marriage: A couple’s guide to boosting their marriage libido. Simon & Schuster.

2. McCarthy, B. (2003). Marital sex as it ought to be. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 14(2), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1300/J085v14n02_01

3. Uloko, M., Isabey, E. P., & Peters, B. R. (2023). How many nerve fibers innervate the human glans clitoris: A histomorphometric evaluation of the dorsal nerve of the clitoris. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 20(3), 247–252. https://doi.org/10.1093/jsxmed/qdac027

4. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster.

5. Thomashauer, R. (2016). Pussy: A reclamation. Hay House.

6. Bedbible Research Center. (2024, April 25). How many marriages are sexless [Statistics]. Bedbible. https://bedbible.com/sexless-marriage-statistics/

7. Bedbible Research Center. (2024, April 25). How many marriages are sexless [Statistics]. Bedbible. https://bedbible.com/sexless-marriage-statistics/

8. Lindau, S. T., Schumm, L. P., Laumann, E. O., Levinson, W., O’Muircheartaigh, C. A., & Waite, L. J. (2007). A study of sexuality and health among older adults in the United States. The New England Journal of Medicine, 357(8), 762–774.
https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMoa067423

9. Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national U.S. study. Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186–201. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2015.1137854

10. Sutherland, S. E., Rehman, U. S., Fallis, E. E., & Goodnight, J. A. (2015). Understanding the phenomenon of sexual desire discrepancy in couples. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 24(2). https://doi.org/10.3138/cjhs.242.A3

11. Rosen R. C. (2000). Prevalence and risk factors of sexual dysfunction in men and women. Current Psychiatry Reports, 2(3), 189–195.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-996-0006-2

Francesca liked to look at life differently. She was the grounded-in-logic counterbalance to my emotionally driven, heart-on-my-sleeve self — a pragmatic Italian with an insatiable appetite for espresso and problem-solving. So, naturally, when heartbreak inevitably struck her, she approached it, well, methodically.

Why Does the Heart Ache?

While I might have wallowed in tissues, Francesca chose a different path. “I need to know why my brain is reacting this way,” she said, diving into research about heartbreak’s biology to find a way to recover.

What she found was fascinating — heartbreak isn’t just emotional; it’s deeply rooted in biology. She came across studies showing that romantic rejection triggers the same parts of the brain as physical pain and addiction.^[1] That’s why it feels so all-consuming, almost like going through withdrawal.

As she kept digging, Francesca realized the pain also comes from losing the deep connection your brain gets used to during a relationship. Love literally rewires your brain, and when that bond breaks, your brain struggles to adjust.^[2] It’s like your mind is craving something that’s no longer there, and that’s why it hurts so much.

I was skeptical, I’ll admit. Fran’s research-driven approach to heartbreak looked to me like she was avoiding feeling her feelings and trying to rationalize the situation. Sure, chemistry could explain why heartbreak feels so intense, but could it really offer a way out?

Think You Can’t Move On? These Steps Might Prove You Wrong

Francesca’s research into heartbreak led her to a powerful realization, as she herself put it, while I began to wonder if this is how madness begins.

She wouldn’t stop throwing around names like Guy Winch, David Kessler, Helen Fisher, and Brené Brown as if they were hot celebs. She filled her notebook with insights from psychologists and neuroscientists. Her conclusion was simple: harnessing science can help heal and move on.

I was about to call for an intervention when she did something surprising.

Emotional Processing

Francesca called me one day, her voice fast and urgent, asking me to come over. I assumed I was walking into another TED Talk session on brain chemistry. But that wasn’t what I found.

When I arrived, Francesca was flooded with tears, vulnerable in a way I had never seen before. Her face was puffy, her eyes red — it was clear she’d been crying for hours.

“It’s not even about him,” she said through tears. “It’s about losing everything I thought I knew — about my future, my identity, my place in the world.” She explained how it felt like grieving multiple losses at once: the relationship, her vision of life, and the person she thought she was.

That day, I realized that Francesca wasn’t avoiding her feelings — she was processing them, facing her grief head-on. And in doing so, she was taking her first real step toward moving forward. According to science, of course. 

Grieving is essential to healing because it helps you process loss in a way that makes emotional sense. The five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — were first observed in people facing terminal illness.^[4] And while a heartbreak may not seem as significant, any loss, big or small, deserves to be grieved.

That day changed my view on Francesca’s approach to healing, and the next step she took made perfect sense.

Self-Compassion

Francesca’s next revelation came during a late-night phone call. “Throw away all your self-help books,” she announced. “I found something better.”

She’d spent one morning berating herself for checking her ex’s social media again. “Classic me, always the fool,” she’d written in her journal. But then she caught herself — this harsh inner voice wasn’t making her feel better. 

“Self-compassion literally changes our brain chemistry,” she said to me. Apparently, when we’re kind to ourselves, our bodies release oxytocin and opiates — the same chemicals that help mothers bond with their babies.^[6] 

“You know, I spent my whole life criticizing myself, and you know what Kristen says [referring to Kristen Neff, the specialist on self-compassion, like they were besties]? If it were going to work, it would have already worked. So what’s the point?”

We all know that living creatures thrive in positive, nurturing environments, but we often forget to nurture ourselves. That’s why Francesca decided to start treating herself with the same love she gave others: through self-love meditations, self-hugging, and forgiving herself for any past mistakes. Because, really, that’s the essence of self-love, isn’t it?

Secretly, I started making notes of Francesca’s findings, jotting down names and book titles. When she told me about her next move, I just nodded in agreement.

Avoiding Negative Triggers

I saw the story he posted before she did — the rooftop bar, the girl, his arm around her waist. After watching Francesca’s journey these past weeks, I dreaded this could derail her progress. 

Meeting her for coffee that afternoon, I studied her face for signs of distress. Nothing seemed off. Finally, I brought it up because if she’d found a way to not be triggered by something like that, I wanted to know all about it. 

“So . . . have you been on Instagram lately?” 

She smiled knowingly. “I blocked him. Everywhere. Full no-contact. This one article I found says that seeing your ex, even online, keeps your brain stuck in emotional pain. So, out of sight, out of mind.”^[7] 

She also got rid of everything in her apartment that reminded her of him, and she removed all their photos from her cloud — except for the ones where she looked super cute, obviously.

All this seemed inhuman to me. Was she a cyborg? But then she told me what gave her the courage and strength. 

Seeking Support

Stirring her espresso, she smiled at me, “I’m not a robot,” she said, “I just discovered something important very early on.”

She leaned on her friends and family because she knew she couldn’t do it alone. She told me about the night she couldn’t stop spiraling and called her sister. “Just having someone to listen made all the difference.”

She explained that she’d always known how important a support network was — she’d invested in her friendships for years, and I’d seen that firsthand. But only during this hard time did she truly realize how much less stressful and emotionally overwhelming breakups can be when you have people to lean on.^[9] 

I guess we don’t need research to know that having support makes a difference — it’s something we instinctively understand.

But not everyone made the cut. Some people suggested she distract herself by going out or having fun, but she rolled her eyes at that. Those people wanted her to get over it faster for them, not for her.

Instead, she focused on connecting with people who truly listened and understood her while setting boundaries with anyone whose advice or energy didn’t align with what she needed to heal.

Francesca’s approach showed me that healing comes from balancing support from others and trust in yourself. And speaking of balance, she had another science-backed healing strategy up her sleeve.

Physical Activity

Turns out, Francesca’s breakup recovery program involved dragging me along for the ride (or, more accurately, the run)!

Of course, the most obvious and widely available expert advice for healing heartbreak is to get moving — do sports, they say. And I get it now, mostly because Francesca explained it to me in great detail. 

She covered everything: how exercise is one of the most effective ways to improve mental health, how physical activity releases endorphins and dopamine, which boost mood and reduce sadness, how regular exercise can enhance cognitive function and even alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety — basically, everything Andrew Huberman knows and more.^[10]

But why, in her world, did it translate to waking up early to run in the cold, dark mornings? Why doesn’t the advice ever suggest something like an evening swim in a warm pool followed by a relaxing massage?

Still, I couldn’t deny it worked. I’d seen it firsthand during my own breakup, when a friend and I used to go for walks. Back then, I just didn’t know the science behind it. Now, being in it with Francesca, it all clicked. 

The strangest part, though, was that I should’ve been the one encouraging her, but the motivation was all her own. I still couldn’t quite wrap my head around that shift. 

Between the mysterious evening activities and the growing collection of exotic spices in her kitchen, I was beginning to suspect running wasn’t the only new adventure she had in mind.

Finding New Joys and Hobbies

Though none of us saw it coming, Francesca became a self-proclaimed master chef. It’s funny because she used to be so famously bad at cooking that for her birthday we once bought her an Italian cookbook as a joke (she got super upset). But heartbreak does weird things to people.

In her own words, “I was tired of all that thinking and crying.” From her research, Francesca had learned that one of the best ways to break the cycle of rumination — replaying painful emotions and moments endlessly — was to get busy with something new.^[11] So, cooking it was. 

But it wasn’t just about keeping herself distracted. Francesca had also learned that doing something enjoyable could actually help her feel better. Activities like cooking — or picking up any new skill — boost positive emotions and create a sense of progress.^[12]

I found myself tasting dishes with names I couldn’t spell, watching her transform her heartbreak into something tangible and nourishing. Each new recipe brought a spark back to her, a little more life with every bite. I really believed she had this whole heartbreak thing completely figured out.

Making Sense of It All

I was ready to write down her story, turn it into a bestselling guide to heartbreak recovery, and make millions helping people fix their broken hearts. That is, until I found her lying on the floor, crying her eyes out months later.

There are no shortcuts in life, and heartbreak isn’t linear. The time your body and mind need to process such a drastic change cannot be rushed or fooled by even the best scientific strategies. They help — of course they do — but there’s no fast-forward button for emotional healing. It will take as much time as it needs, and you have to honor that.

This is what I told Francesca as she lay there, finally willing to hear my perspective for the first time. I congratulated her on everything she had done — her efforts, her resilience, and her determination to heal. I assured her she had done everything she could, exactly how she could, and she was doing great. 

But as I reminded her, it’s not the rational brain that decides when healing is complete; it’s the broken heart. And the heart needs its own time.

Your Next Steps

The real lesson here? You do you. Use strategies, apply all the tools science has to offer, but don’t forget that your emotional pain isn’t a machine you can fix on a schedule. There’s beauty in healing — there’s growth, there are setbacks, and there’s a raw humanness to it all.

That being said, Francesca’s heroic determination left me with some invaluable lessons. Here are the key science-driven strategies to take away:

• Grieve your losses. Allow yourself to feel and process the pain. It’s an essential step toward emotional healing. When the feeling arises, just stay where you are. Don’t reach for the phone, don’t watch a show. Just literally sit with the pain and observe it. It may feel unbearable now, but it’ll pass. 
• Love yourself. Practicing self-compassion helps release oxytocin and opiates, chemicals that soothe and comfort. Be kind to yourself, journal about your feelings, and treat yourself like you would a loved one.
• Out of sight, out of mind. Avoid reminders of your ex by blocking his social media and removing triggers. Suppressing unwanted memories helps reduce their emotional impact.
• Lean on your girls (and boys): A strong support network reduces stress and improves mental health post-breakup. Meaningful conversations with friends and loved ones are key.
• Shake it off. Exercise boosts endorphins and dopamine, reducing sadness and anxiety. Even a simple walk or morning jog can make a huge difference.
• Get busy with something. Taking up new hobbies distracts from rumination and fosters positive emotions. Pursuing interests like cooking can spark joy and create a sense of progress.

Our guides to ending a relationship have more resources to help you move on from a breakup and into the next chapter of your life. 

Other helpful reads: 

• What Is Closure in a Relationship and How to Get It
• How to Get Over a Breakup and Move On With Your Life
• Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On With Your Life
• Can a Breakup Be Good for a Relationship? How to Know When It’s Time to Take a Break
• 10 Signs Your Relationship Is Over (or Needs a Serious Fix)
• 100 Questions to Ask Your Ex: Navigating a Breakup Chat

FAQs

References

1. Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., & Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51–60. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00784.2009

2. Langeslag, S. J. E., & Sanchez, M. E. (2018). Down-regulation of love feelings after a romantic break-up: Self-report and electrophysiological data. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 147(5), 720–733. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000360

3. Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., & Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51–60. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00784.2009

4. Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.

5. Kessler, D. (2019). Finding meaning: The sixth stage of grief. Scribner.

6. Cha, J. E., Boggiss, A. L., Serlachius, A. S., Cavadino, A., Kirby, J. N., & Condesine, N. S. (2022). A systematic review on mediation studies of self-compassion and physical health outcomes in non-clinical adult populations. Mindfulness, 13, 1876–1900.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-022-01935-2

7. Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: Associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(10). https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2012.0125

8. Gagnepain, P., Henson, R. N., & Anderson, M. C. (2014). Suppressing unwanted memories reduces their unconscious influence via targeted cortical inhibition. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 111(13), E1310–E1319. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1311468111

9. Kawachi, I., & Berkman, L. F. (2001). Social ties and mental health. Journal of Urban Health, 78(3), 458–467. https://doi.org/10.1093/jurban/78.3.458

10. Weir, K. (2011). The exercise effect. Monitor on Psychology, 42(11).
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/12/exercise

11. Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000). The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety/depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 109(3), 504–511.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.109.3.504

12. Seligman, M. E., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. The American Psychologist, 60(5), 410–421. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.60.5.410

“Why don’t you leave him? Just pack your bags and go,” my friends would say with growing frustration. For them, it was that simple. But anyone who’s been trapped in a narcissistic relationship knows it’s anything but simple.

Today, from the safety of my healthy, loving relationship, I shiver thinking about how I let someone treat me, how I neglected myself for love that never was. 

This is my story of the most emotionally and physically destructive relationship of my life — and more importantly, your guide to finding your way out.

Recognizing the Problem

You cannot solve a problem you don’t know you have. 

Subconsciously, I must have been aware of what was going on, but I was so afraid of judgment that the shame felt suffocating: “How could I, the person everyone came to for relationship advice, find myself here?” I would have sooner choked than admitted I was a victim of narcissistic abuse. 

That’s exactly why I stayed trapped in it for so long. I refused to see the world for what it was, and as a result, I couldn’t move toward the solution phase, instead running in circles, weaker and more alone with every lap.

You can be smart, strong, successful — and still fall prey to narcissistic abuse. 

• Learn about narcissism. The first step to freedom for me was Googling narcissistic traits and abuse tactics (e.g., love bombing, gaslighting, devaluation) to understand if they apply to your situation. Check out How to Talk to a Narcissist: 9 Strategies to Survive the Storm
• Shift your perspective. Recognize that shame and self-blame keep you stuck, while compassion for yourself opens the door to healing. Look at your emotional pain like a broken limb — you wouldn’t blame yourself for a physical injury, would you? 

Only when I mustered the courage to look the beast in the eye did I begin to understand the depth of the damage it had done.

Understanding the Impact of Narcissistic Abuse

It wasn’t just the constant anxiety and self-doubt. 

His endless criticisms about my body and comparisons to other women pushed me into an eating disorder. My skin turned gray, my hair lost its shine, and I became a shadow of myself — physically and emotionally. 

I was so isolated that the rare times I saw my friends, all they could say was, “You’ve changed.” My self-esteem was buried below sea level, and I found myself resenting every woman who had something I didn’t. I was miserable, drained, and lifeless.

• Reconnect with your role model. For me, it’s Cher. I asked myself, “What would she do in my situation?” and let her strength and resilience inspire me. 
• What would you tell your daughter? If your daughter were in your situation, would you tell her to endure, or would you urge her to choose herself, her health, and her happiness? Let that advice be the voice you listen to for yourself.

When everything feels dark, all it takes is one kind soul to show you there’s a way out.

Building a Real Support System

Sometimes survival comes down to one person who refuses to let you disappear. For me, that person was my friend Holly.

I emphasize the word real because having people around you doesn’t always mean you’re supported. You could be surrounded by a crowd of people, but if they’re urging you to stand up when you can barely stay on your feet, just because your pain makes them uncomfortable, they aren’t a support system — they’re an oppression system. 

Holly saw me lying on the floor, figuratively (and often literally), and instead of trying to drag me up, she got down beside me. She nurtured me with her compassionate presence until I could stand on my own again. That’s what real support looks like. 

• Identify safe people. Look for those who listen without judgment, validate your feelings, and offer comfort instead of trying to fix you. A support system is built on understanding, not pressure.
• Be open about your needs. Share with trusted individuals what kind of support you need — whether it’s someone to talk to, someone to sit in silence with, or just a hug. Real support starts with honest communication.
• Find a community. Find an online community offering wise support, for example, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Center. While your situation is unique, you are not alone.

Once I began to feel steady on my own two feet, I started to think about what came next. I was still living in a foreign country, totally dependent on him, and I couldn’t just walk away. I needed a plan. 

Planning a Safe Exit Strategy

Leaving felt impossible, but the question wasn’t if I could leave — it was how I would take that first step towards freedom.

I told him I planned to visit my parents. It felt easier to say I was feeling homesick than to say, “I’m leaving you.” What followed were two weeks of jealousy fits, silent treatments, accusations, and even sweet-talking — every form of emotional manipulation you can imagine. But I was set. I couldn’t think about the next step yet, but I knew one thing: I was getting on that plane.

• Prioritize safety. A safety plan should include essentials like securing your important documents (passport, ID, bank cards), stashing emergency funds, and identifying a safe place to go. Make sure someone you trust knows your plan.
• Focus on one step at a time. Focus on the very next thing you need to do, whether that’s booking a ticket, packing a bag, or making a call. Taking small steps helps you move forward without being paralyzed by the bigger picture. 

When I finally sat in my seat, I realized I was free — and burst into tears. After arriving at the safety of my parents’ house, I slept for two weeks straight. You may wonder if he called me during that time. Oh yes, he did. 

Cutting Off Contact

When I arrived home, welcomed by warm soup and my parents’ love, I was struck by how far I’d fallen from real love. It wasn’t the end of the story, but the physical separation gave me the leverage and safety to begin cutting the emotional ties. 

His texts and calls ranged wildly — from love bombing and promises to change, to insults and accusations that still bring tears to my eyes. Sometimes, all in the span of a few minutes.

Eventually, I had enough strength to realize I didn’t need to keep doing this. The possessions I’d left behind weren’t worth my peace of mind. Nothing was. So, I blocked him everywhere — except for email, because at the time, I didn’t know how to block that too. 

• 7 Life-Saving Tips for Leaving an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
• 6 No-Nonsense Steps to Leaving a Toxic Relationship (+Quiz)

The moment the storm had passed, I was left with the aftermath — everything felt broken, out of place, and impossible to sort through on my own.

Seeking Professional Help

I needed help. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I couldn’t eat, my body image — never great to begin with — was at an all-time low, and I was at the darkest point of my life in every possible way. Then, one of my friends did something I’ll never forget: He gave me his already scheduled therapy session.

That one session turned into a journey I’m still on today, and I’m not exaggerating when I say it saved my life. Please don’t wait until you’re at the rock bottom to start. Take care of your mental health asap. 

Why therapy matters

• It provides a nonjudgmental space to express your feelings. 
• It helps you process your pain without fear of being dismissed or misunderstood.
• It helps you recognize and reshape unhealthy patterns, rebuild your confidence, and understand how past experiences shape your present.

I know therapy can be expensive, but there are other options — online therapy, support groups, or community-based services — and it doesn’t have to last indefinitely. There’s always a way. And truly, this is the best investment you can ever make in yourself. You’re worth it.

Therapy gave me the tools to rebuild myself, piece by piece, and I honestly don’t know where I’d be without it. But it also taught me one of the most important things in life.

Learn to Love Yourself

My journey with self-love began when I came to terms with a harsh reality: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I realized I had spent so long accepting scraps because I believed that’s all I was worth, and it still hurts to admit it. 

“Self-love” has been commoditized and turned into marketing strategies (buy our face mask, and you’ll love yourself!). But self-love isn’t just about pamper days — though those can have their place — it’s about something much deeper: treating yourself with the same kindness, compassion, and care that you’d show to someone you truly love.

• Nurture yourself. If you’ve been too passive, practice being assertive and take small steps to advocate for yourself. If you’re stuck in constant “doing” mode, slow down and smell the flowers — find balance by nurturing the energy you’ve been neglecting.
• Journal, forever journal. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and progress. Journaling helps you process emotions, track growth, and reconnect with yourself. It’s a gift to your future self.

After enough time spent nurturing my body, mind, and soul, I came to understand one very important thing.

Moving Past “Narcissism”

“There’s one and only one criterion that determines whether we should be with someone: whether or not they are kind to us.”^[4]

No matter where your partner places on the spectrum of narcissism, or if he even is really a narcissist and not just a massive manipulative, self-centered jerk, isn’t as important as we often think it is. Why? 

Because it was never about diagnosing him. It’s about you and what you allow in your life.

Over-focusing on your partner’s personality traits, such as narcissism, is a slippery slope. Sure, naming behaviors can be helpful in understanding patterns, but constantly analyzing whether your partner really fits the narcissist mold can keep you stuck. This is especially true in situations where no children or minimal assets are tying you together.

If you’ve already split from a narcissistic partner, or planning on splitting, stick to these three essential principles when interacting to protect your emotional well-being and avoid unnecessary conflict:

• No emotions. Stay calm and neutral, no matter how provocative his behavior may be. 
• Short responses. Keep communication brief and to the point. Avoid long explanations, justifications, or arguments — he’ll likely twist your words to shift blame.
• Minimal interaction. Limit contact to what’s absolutely necessary, such as discussions about children or shared responsibilities. Use written communication like email or messaging apps to keep a record of interactions.

My relationship story ends here, but I know that many of you are married to narcissists, have houses and children with them, and leaving on a jet plane is not as straightforward as it was for me (even though it didn’t feel as straightforward back then as it sounds now). 

When the ties keeping you are more than just emotional, the strategy expands.

Seeking Legal and Financial Assistance

Assets, accounts, legal rights, and even IKEA flowerpots become weapons when leaving a narcissist.

While he’s busy orchestrating a smear campaign against you, you should be quietly building your arsenal: records, receipts, and evidence.

• Document everything. Save texts, emails, financial transactions, and any other records that can support your case. Read How to Document Abuse.
• Consult a family law attorney. Choose someone experienced in handling narcissistic abuse who can focus on facts, not manipulation.
• Get financial advice. If shared assets or children are involved, a financial expert can help you make informed decisions and protect your rights.
• Stay organized. Keep all records and legal documents in a secure, easily accessible place.

You can’t control his games, but you can protect your future by staying grounded in preparation and facts. That only becomes more important if your children and pets are involved.

Protecting Children and Pets

You become a captain of a rescue mission when it’s more than just yourself involved. 

Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and they often use the most vulnerable members of your family — your kids and pets — as pawns to maintain control.

• Assemble your team. Involve teachers, pediatricians, and trusted family members. Most importantly, secure professional help: a family lawyer for custody arrangements and a child therapist who can help your children process the changes. Read more about supporting your children. 
• Become the legal owner of your pet. Take steps to prove ownership of your pet. Have them vaccinated and licensed in the place where you live, making sure the registrations are done in your name. Take steps to have them changed if necessary. Check out what you need to know about pet safety.

I sincerely hope that all these measures won’t be necessary and that you’ll be able to part ways in a relatively amicable manner. But as the saying goes, “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.” 

Once you’ve secured your own safety and that of your loved ones, the final step becomes a natural consequence of the groundwork you’ve laid.

Establishing and Enforcing Boundaries

If you cannot go “no contact,” what can you do?

Narcissists often push limits to maintain control, resorting to manipulative and underhanded tactics. If cutting him out of your life entirely isn’t an option, setting firm boundaries is essential.

Start by clearly defining what you will and won’t tolerate — and commit to enforcing those limits without wavering. This could mean restricting communication to only essential topics or even using a separate phone specifically for interactions with him (yes, that’s a real thing). 

Boundaries — or, if necessary, a restraining order — are your most powerful tools for protecting your peace of mind and reclaiming your autonomy. 

I wrote a whole article about boundaries here: 4 Types of Relationship Boundaries: Learn What They Are and How to Set Them

Your Next Steps

Five years after I left, he emailed me. I’ll never forget the moment I saw his name in my inbox, my heart skipping a beat. His email wasn’t what I expected — it was an apology. 

He wrote about how he hoped I was happy, wished me the best, and admitted to his mistakes. By then, I was in a completely different place. His words no longer had the power to hurt or heal me, because I had already done the work to heal myself. And I wish you the same. 

Your journey starts here.

Our guides to ending a relationship can help you manage the nows and laters of this complicated time in your life.

Let these resources fortify you as you embark on it:

• 11 Serious Red Flags in a Relationship and How to Deal With Them
• How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: Steps to Regain Your Freedom
• How to Document Abuse and Prove Domestic Violence: Building Your Case
• Healthy Boundaries in Relationships: What They Are and How to Set Them
• Signs of Love Bombing: Everything You Should Know About Manipulative Relationships
• 7 Life-Saving Tips for Leaving an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
• 6 No-Nonsense Steps to Leaving a Toxic Relationship(+ Quiz)
• 31 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
• 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags
• How to Talk to a Narcissist: 9 Strategies to Survive the Storm

FAQs

References

1. Seligman, M. E. P. (1975). Helplessness: On depression, development, and death. Freeman.

2. Wilson, J. L. (2001). Adrenal fatigue: The 21st century stress syndrome. Smart Publications.

3. Firth, J., Gangwisch, J. E., Borsini, A., Wootton, R. E., & Mayer, E. A. (2020). Food and mood: How do diet and nutrition affect mental wellbeing? BMJ, 369, m2382.
https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.m2382

4. The School of Life [@theschooloflifelondon]. (2025, January 19). The explanation for those of us who find ourselves in the unhealthy cycle of forgiving our partners. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/DFBDYIOBDNZ/?hl=en

5. Farzad Family Law. (n.d.). How to divorce a narcissist. Farzad Law Firm. Retrieved January 20, 2025, from https://farzadlaw.com/how-to-divorce-a-narcissist

1. Feel your feelings.

You know what they say: The only way out is through.

That means fully embracing the wide range of feelings that come with the end of a relationship.

Normalize the pain. Normalizing the pain of a breakup isn’t about wallowing forever. It’s about giving yourself permission to feel the full spectrum of emotions — sadness, anger, confusion, maybe even a little relief. 

As Dr. Evita Rocha, a physician with Kaiser Permanente in Riverside, California, wisely advises, “Breakups . . . can signify a change in roles and routine, and even cause one to question their values or who they are, acknowledging your feelings is key in allowing yourself to heal.”^[1]

So, give yourself permission to grieve. Pushing those emotions down might later result in an embarrassing eruption, like a Kanye rant on Twitter. So cringe.

Process your emotions. It’s important to understand what led to the breakup. Was it a lack of trust? Incompatible politics? A compulsive need to collect Stanley Cups?

Explore your feelings. Approaching the breakup from an emotional standpoint.^[2] Identify feelings of shame, grief, hurt, anger, and, ultimately, self-compassion.

Try matching your emotions to this scale of famous works of art. I’m a solid 4 most days, with frequent gusts to 6. An 8 for about 45 minutes on a Friday night.

Accept your feelings through expression. Now that you’ve identified your emotions, it’s time to embrace them. Allow yourself to fully experience your emotions without reservation. This can be messy but liberating. 

Whether you express your emotions through journaling, talking it out with a friend, or simply sitting with them in silence, honoring your feelings is the key to healthy emotional processing.

Avoid coping with drugs and alcohol, as fun as that sounds. These coping mechanisms don’t address the root cause of your emotions and can exacerbate feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion.

Alcohol and drugs can have severe health consequences, including addiction, liver damage, mental health issues, skin that looks ghoulish — and they’re expensive. 

The University of New Hampshire's Psychological and Counseling Services encourages nurturing yourself: “Plan to do something calming and soothing EVERY DAY. Some things to try: meditation, yoga, journaling, music, progressive muscle relaxation, take a walk, or anything else that you find soothing.”[3]

2. Cut contact.

While navigating this emotional rollercoaster, consider taking a break from direct contact with your ex. This “no contact” period allows you space to heal and avoid getting pulled back into the relationship or whatever cycle of conflict led to the breakup in the first place. 

It’s not about being mean but prioritizing your well-being and giving yourself the chance to move forward. In fact, research shows that unproductive contact with your ex can be a significant setback for gaining closure.^[4]

Seeing their face pop up on your feed or getting a text from them can open that emotional wound all over again. Analysis of data provided by 464 participants revealed that Facebook surveillance was associated with greater current distress over the breakup, more negative feelings, sexual desire and longing for the ex-partner, and lower personal growth.^[5] 

Here’s how to go no contact:

• Unfollow (or hide!). This might feel drastic, but trust me, it’s a game-changer. Out of sight, out of mind (at least on your feed).
• Mute their stories. The last thing you need is your recent ex knowing you’re still watching their stories, even by accident.
• Delete their number. If you find yourself constantly tempted to text or call your ex, deleting their number can be a helpful step. This way, you’ll have to put more thought into reaching out to them, rather than doing it impulsively.
• Take a social media break. Feeling overwhelmed by the whole online world? Give yourself permission to disconnect for a while. Focus on real-life connections and activities that make you feel good.
• See mutual friends separately. Breaking up when you share mutual friends is a bummer, but with the right attitude it can be a boon instead. Now you and your closest friends can do the things you’d wished you were doing all along.

Did you know? Over 50% of people stay friends with an ex after a “non-marital romantic breakup.”[6]

3. Practice self-care.

When you’re getting over a breakup, taking care of yourself is priority numero uno. It’s cathartic to just binge Netflix while scarfing down a pint of ice cream, but trust me, that’s not going to do your mind or body any favors. (Well, maybe just this once.)

Did you know? A study published in the Journal of Loss and Trauma found that "focusing on maintaining a healthy diet and engaging in physical activity can be beneficial for individuals going through a breakup.”[7] 

Expert insight: Psychologist Dr. Guy Winch says, "Engaging in activities you used to enjoy, even if you can’t fully enjoy them yet, will help reconnect you to your core self and the person you were before the breakup."[8] 

4. Rely on friends and family.

If you were feeling alone in your relationship, now is the time to leaning on your loved ones. Surround yourself with friends and family who understand you, uplift you, and maybe even drag you out for a night of bad karaoke (is there good karaoke?).

When you’re getting over a breakup, the absolute worst thing you can do is try to go it alone. It might feel easier to just curl up in a ball and shut out the world, but trust me, that’s a one-way ticket to Misery Town.

Lean on your support system — whether that’s your closest friends, your ride-or-die family members, or even your dog. Personally, I vote for the dog, but they don’t talk back — usually.

Join a support group. You can find them in-person or online.

Seek professional help. Working with a licensed therapist or counselor is a major step toward reclaiming your life. A therapist can provide a safe space to vent, guide you through difficult emotions, and equip you with tools to build healthier relationships in the future.

5. Find the silver lining.

It might feel impossible to see anything good coming out of such a crappy situation. This experience, while painful, can be a catalyst for growth, self-discovery, and learning valuable lessons about yourself and relationships. 

Identify the lessons you learned. The key to getting over a breakup and moving on with your life is all about gaining some serious self-awareness and taking a long, hard look in the mirror and really reflecting on what went down in that relationship.

Ask yourself some honest questions:

• What were my needs in the relationship, and were they being met?
• Did I communicate my feelings effectively?
• Did I give as much as (or more than) I received in the relationship?
• Were there any red flags that I ignored? Beige flags? Did they like pineapple on pizza?
• Did I prioritize my own needs and wants over my partner’s?
• What boundaries did I let get steamrolled?
• Where did I compromise my own needs and values just to keep the peace?

Reflecting on these questions can help you gain a better understanding of yourself and what you want in a future relationship. It’s important to approach this process with an open mind and a willingness to be honest with yourself.

Reflect on the good, the bad, and the ugly — what worked, what didn’t, and most importantly, how you can use this experience to become your best, most authentic self.

6. Move forward with care.

It’s natural to want to heal quickly after a breakup, but there are a few reasons you should take it slow.

If the relationship was brief and somewhat casual, you’ll obviously get over it faster. But if you’re suffering the loss of a deep connection and attachment, the prognosis for your recovery may not be so simple.^[9]

The key is to focus on progress, not perfection. Did you manage to drag yourself out of bed and face the day, even if it was just for coffee? Win! Did you put on hard pants and have a “bones day”? (RIP Noodle) Go you! Did you resist the urge to text your ex (again)? Another victory lap for you! 

Go it alone for a while. Dating yourself means taking the time to do things that bring you joy and make you feel fulfilled. This could be anything from trying a new hobby, going on a solo trip, or simply taking yourself out to dinner.

By learning to enjoy yourself and stop looking for love in all the wrong places, you’ll not only learn more about yourself and what makes you happy, but you’ll also become more confident and self-sufficient.

You don’t need to sleep outside and beg for food like Jane Eyre did when she left Mr. Rochester, but some solitary soul-searching couldn’t hurt.

Your Next Steps: Getting Ready to Date Again

But before you swipe right on everyone with a pulse, let’s talk about dating with intention. This means approaching dating with a clear idea of what you want in a partner and a relationship.

Know your worth. Breakups can leave a dent in your confidence, but remember, you’re a total catch! Reflect on your strengths, values, and what makes you an amazing partner. Write it down if you have to! Dating someone who appreciates the incredible you is key.

Identify your deal-breakers. We all have them! Maybe it’s someone who hates dogs (unforgivable) or someone who still uses a flip phone (pretentious or vintage?). Identify your nonnegotiables and stick to them.

Communicate your intentions. Honest and open communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Whether you’re looking for something casual or long-term, being up-front about your desires will ensure that everyone’s on the same page and can avoid any misunderstandings down the road.

Take it slow. Don’t rush into a new relationship just because you’re feeling lonely or want to fill the void left by your ex. Take the time to get to know someone and build a genuine connection. Read Dating Advice for Women: 17 Dating Tips to Help You Build Love That Lasts to help get you in the swing of things.

Don’t put too much pressure on every swipe or coffee date. If you’re worried your goofiness isn’t as charming as people say it is, read The Socially Awkward Gal’s Guide to Surviving Dating Life.

Enjoy getting to know new people, but also trust your gut and don’t be afraid to walk away if something doesn’t feel right.

Conclusion

A breakup is a plot twist, a chance to rewrite the narrative and emerge as the strong, independent protagonist you were always meant to be.

With time, you’ll learn what you truly value in a partner, discover hidden strengths you never knew you had, and maybe even rediscover the passions that set your soul on fire. So, embrace the journey. Grieve, heal, and pamper yourself rotten. You’ll be a stronger, wiser, and even more fabulous version of yourself. 

For help navigating the end of a relationship, follow the link!

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What are the 5 stages of heartbreak?

The 5 stages of heartbreak are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages were originally identified by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross as part of the grief process, and they can also apply to healing from the loss of someone in a breakup.

What should you do immediately after a breakup?

Immediately after a breakup, you should prioritize self-care and allow yourself to feel your emotions but don’t dwell on them. Reach out to trusted friends and family for support and consider limiting contact with your ex. Focus on healthy habits like eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising.

Why am I still crying over my ex?

You’re still crying over your ex because breakups trigger a grief response, just like the loss of a loved one. Feeling sadness, anger, and confusion is a normal part of the healing process — don’t beat yourself up for those lingering emotions.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

Getting over a breakup takes as long as you need it to. There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline for how long it takes to get over a breakup. Be patient with yourself, lean on your support system, and focus on self-care.

References

1. Rocha, E. (2024). 8 ways to feel better after a breakup, according to the experts. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/8-ways-to-feel-better-after-a-breakup-5089116#:~:text=%22Breakups%20are%20so,yourself%20to%20heal.%22

3. University of New Hampshire. (n.d.). Break ups: How to help yourself move on. University of New Hampshire. https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move

4. Fife, S. T., Theobald, A. C., Gossner, J. D., Yakum, B. N., & White, K. L. (2022). Individual healing from infidelity and breakup for emerging adults: a grounded theory. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(6), 1814–1838. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211067441

5. Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: Associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(10). https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2012.0125

6. Mason, A. E., Sbarra, D. A., Bryan, A. E., & Lee, L. A. (2012). Staying connected when coming apart: The psychological correlates of contact and sex with an ex-partner. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 31(5), 488–507. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2012.31.5.488

7. McKiernan, A., Ryan, P., McMahon, E., Bradley, S., & Butler, E. (2018). Understanding young people’s relationship breakups using the dual processing model of coping and bereavement. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 23(3), 192–210. https://doi.org/10.1080/15325024.2018.1426979

8. Winch, G. (2015). 7 mistakes you need to avoid after a breakup. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup#:~:text=engaging%20in%20activities%20you%20used%20to%20enjoy%2C%20even%20if%20you%20can%E2%80%99t%20fully%20enjoy%20them%20yet%2C%20will%20help%20reconnect%20you%20to%20your%20core%20self%20and%20the%20person%20you%20were%20before%20the%20breakup

9. Moller, N. P., Fouladi, R. T., McCarthy, C. J., Hatch, K. D. (2003). Relationship of attachment and social support to college students’ adjustment following a relationship breakup. Journal of Counseling & Development, 81(3), 354–369. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.1556-6678.2003.tb00262.x

Something feels off in your relationship. The fights are getting worse, the silences longer, and that pit in your stomach grows deeper each day. When the bad starts outweighing the good, it’s time for honest reflection. Or, deep down, do you already have your answer?

Key Takeaways

• Frequent communication breakdowns and emotional withdrawal signal a failing relationship.
• Diminished intimacy often reveals deeper relationship problems.
• Ongoing unresolved conflicts damage the foundation of trust and respect.
• Each of these problems and more can be tackled with hard work, but all of them at once make the work even harder.

1. You don’t feel physical intimacy and affection.

Whenever my friends share with me this one confession, I can predict with 99% accuracy that their relationship story is coming to an end. 

“Milena, we haven’t been intimate in six months. . . .” 

You see, it’s never just about physical intimacy — it’s what that distance really means. Ask yourself: Is he my best friend? Do I actually like him? When something amazing happens, is he the first person you want to tell? 

If you’re shaking your head, you’ve lost more than physical touch — you’ve lost emotional intimacy.

If he feels more like a roommate than a lover, and you can’t imagine ever feeling that spark again, save yourself the pain by letting go before it gets worse.

But if your heart still skips when he smiles, there are things you can try:

• Read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. It’ll transform how you think about desire and help you find your way back to each other.
• Cultivate your “self.” Individuality is your secret weapon against enmeshment. Join a salsa class or dedicate evenings to your creative projects. By investing in your own world, you naturally create a sense of absence — the less available you become to your partner, the more he sees you as a magnetic mystery worth (re)exploring. 

2. You’re living more like roommates than partners.

The most dangerous relationship problem isn’t screaming fights or betrayal — it’s something far more subtle that most couples miss until it’s too late.

If you used to feel electricity when your hands brushed, but now you barely notice when he’s scrolling beside you, you may be affected by the “roommate syndrome.” It’s when a once-loving couple starts feeling more like a living arrangement than a relationship.

Even the greatest partnerships can start feeling a bit . . . stale. But if the highlight of your day together is debating takeout menus, you’re not just in a rut — you’re in trouble.

So, are you in or are you out?

If you’re leaning toward “out,” this could be helpful: When Is It Time to Break Up With Your Partner? 

But if you feel what you have is worth fighting for (sometimes it really is), here’s how to rebuild that magnetic pull:

• Make him miss you. Take a solo trip or visit a long-distance friend. Being apart reminds you both of your value to each other and who you are on your own. Plus, the reunion will feel like early dating butterflies. More on that: 9 Ways to Make Him Miss You Like Crazy 
• Apply the “6-hour rule.” Make sure to spend a minimum of six hours of quality time together per week. Turn off your phones, grab your favorite snacks, and make face time happen — your relationship will thank you.
• Invest in surprises. We take turns planning mystery dates. For example, I turned “grabbing dinner” into a night at his favorite jazz bar. Way better than the endless “What do you want to do?” loop.

3. Every conversation feels like a battle.

Think your relationship’s biggest enemy is lack of love? Think again. With my ex, it wasn’t the absence of love that killed us — it was the presence of something far more toxic. 

Unresolved conflicts lie at the root of 53% of divorces.^[2] When relationship ruptures go unrepaired, even “How was your day?” can feel like lighting a match in a room full of dynamite. You’re basically sitting on a powder keg of buried conflicts.

If you believe there’s still hope — that this is just a rough patch worth fixing — you can work toward fixing things.

4. You feel alone, even when you’re together.

The most brutal loneliness isn’t found in empty rooms — it’s in the deafening silence beside someone who once filled your world. It’s when you catch yourself wishing he would disappear, daydreaming about being single again.

If this feels like your day-to-day life, I highly recommend this article: 9 Ways to Overcome Feeling Alone in a Relationship. 

5. The idea of a future together fills you with dread.

My friend’s coach asked her one simple question after reading her five-year life plan that made her whole world shift: “I see your plans and goals . . . but your boyfriend — is he not in the picture?”

What’s in your five-year vision? Does the idea of him being there make you light up with excitement or make you sag with quiet resignation?

If your answer is no, and you believe your dreams could still intertwine, here’s how to start rebuilding that shared vision:

• Revisit your values. Write down your nonnegotiables, deepest wishes, and deal-breakers. Then discuss them together and try to find a new common ground.
• Create a relationship vision board. Grab some magazines and map out your dreams — both individual and shared. Creating a relationship vision will help you reconnect.
• Attend couples therapy. Sometimes untangling complex emotions needs an expert hand. A couples therapist can help you realign your paths.

6. You’re more interested in fantasy than reality.

There’s a fine line between a passing thought and an emotional escape route, but how would you know if you’ve crossed it?

There’s no shame in fantasizing about the hot barista who remembers your coffee order. It’s human nature to wonder “what if.” But when those daydreams become your daily escape from reality, something vital is missing at home.

If you suspect that what’s missing is love, this guide may help you gain some clarity: Think You’re Falling Out of Love? Learn to Recognize the Signs. 

But when you’re ready to redirect those wandering thoughts back to your man, here’s how to start:

• When your mind wanders, ask yourself what you’re really craving. That daydream about the charming barista? Maybe it’s about feeling seen and appreciated again.
• Communicate. Instead of imagining someone else meeting your needs, tell your partner specifically what you’re missing. “I miss feeling desired” is more actionable than silent yearning.
• Chase dopamine together. Sign up for a dance class, plan a surprise weekend trip, or try something that scares you both a little. New experiences trigger the same dopamine rush you’re seeking in fantasies.

7. You can’t remember the last time you were happy.

From my own observation, the most puzzling thing about relationships isn’t why they fall apart. It’s why couples choose to stay miserable together. 

Be honest with yourself, if joy were measured in screenshots, how many moments with your partner would be worth saving from the past year?

If you don’t believe he could ever make you happy again, just leave him. Staying in an unhappy relationship literally makes you sick.

But if you think this is just a rough patch and want to reignite that spark, here’s how:

• Break your routine in unexpected ways. Movement sparks joy and releases endorphins — try salsa lessons, join a CrossFit cult (kidding, gym), or just dance in your kitchen together. Joy hides in spontaneity. 
• Create a nostalgia treasure hunt. Turn your love story into clues — first date spot, first kiss corner, favorite shared places. Each discovery sparks memories, leading to a special finale — finding happiness again. 

8. You resent more than you love.

They say love is bittersweet, but nobody warns you about the moment sweetness turns to poison.

Those little cuts — missing your sister’s wedding, playing games while you cry in the next room, dismissing your dreams as unrealistic — they’re just cuts until they’re not. Until one day you realize your relationship has bled out through a thousand tiny wounds you never properly healed.

If these wounds feel too deep to heal, and the weight of past disappointments is crushing any hope for the future, this might help: How to Break Up With Someone: 7 Tips for a Compassionate Uncoupling 

But if you believe these scars could still fade with proper care, here’s how to start healing: How to Fix a Relationship, Rebuild Trust, and Write a New Love Story, or if you’re married: How to Avoid Divorce and Save Your Marriage: A Deep Journey Back to Love and Connection

9. You’ve stopped trying to resolve problems.

In my previous relationship, I used to think the worst part was our screaming matches. But then something scarier happened, and I knew it was over over.  

When he’d leave his dishes in the sink again, I’d just shrug and mutter “whatever.” I stopped caring enough to fight. That quiet resignation hits different than anger. 

If you’ve reached the point where apathy has replaced arguing, it might be time to cut your losses and break up.

But if that flame isn’t completely out, try home-based couples therapy exercises.

10. External stress is ruining your relationship. 

What if what’s making you drift apart is not lack of love or lack of compatibility but the external enemy that we’re all fighting against? 

Between impossible deadlines, kids, and society’s endless expectations (especially on women), stress is making you run on empty. It’s no wonder that by the time you get home, you’ve got nothing left to give. No energy for deep talks. No patience for intimacy.

If you want to break free from the stress spiral, and prioritize your relationship, here’s what to do: 

• Say “no.” To extra projects, to PTA meetings, to anything that drains you. Your relationship needs that energy more. Read How to Balance Relationship and Work.
• Create stress-free zones. Make your bedroom a no-work sanctuary. Lock the phones away during dinner.

Your Next Steps

• Rebuild physical and emotional intimacy. Try: 50 Tough Relationship Questions to Strengthen Your Connection. 
• Break the roommate pattern with 9 Ways to Make Him Miss You Like Crazy and How to Make Yourself More Attractive and Build Your Confidence.
• Heal deep resentment with How to Fix a Relationship, Rebuild Trust, and Write a New Love Story.
• Combat growing apart. Try 19 Effective Couples Therapy Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship, and Think You’re Falling Out of Love? Learn to Recognize the Signs
• Handle external stress with How to Balance Relationship and Work
• Consider moving on. Get clarity with When Is It Time to Break Up With Your Partner? or learn 7 tips for a compassionate uncoupling.

Conclusion

Relationships are hard. But staying in the wrong one is harder. Whether you choose to rebuild or say goodbye, this isn’t about failing. It’s about being brave enough to choose what’s right for you. Your love story deserves nothing less than authenticity.

For more guidance through the complex process of ending a relationship, follow the link.

FAQs

References

1. Baxter, L. A. (1990). Dialectical contradictions in relationship development. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 7(1), 69–88.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407590071004 

2. Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People’s reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602–626.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X03254507 

3. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.
Crown Publishers.

4. Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Law and Contemporary Problems, 61(4), 41-65.

5. Fisher, H. (2004). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love. Henry Holt
and Company.

6. Hawkins, D. N., & Booth, A. (2005). Unhappily ever after: Effects of long-term,
low-quality marriages on well-being. Social Forces, 84(1), 451—471.
https://doi.org/10.1353/sof.2005.0103

7. Orbuch, T. L. (2012). 5 simple steps to take your marriage from good to great. Random House.

8. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14—year period. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62(3), 737—745.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741—3737.2000.00737.x

Playing a narcissist’s game means every quest is about them and you’re just an NPC. 

However, by applying a few careful strategies, you can protect your own main-character energy.

But first . . . what even is a narcissist?

Despite popular boomer opinion, not everyone who takes selfies is a narcissist. And narcissistic tendencies do not equate narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD is a diagnosable mental health condition, while tendencies are just personality quirks that can range from annoying to mildly toxic.

Here’s a quick rundown of traits common to both:

constant need for attention and admiration

sense of entitlement

lack of empathy

difficulty handling criticism

inflated sense of self-importance

using others for personal gain

jealousy or suspicion of jealousy

exaggerating achievements or talents

obsession with status, power, or success

preoccupation with appearance or reputation

trouble maintaining long-term, healthy relationships

1. When they deflect the blame . . .

A narcissist is never wrong and never, ever makes mistakes. 

Or so they like to think. Narcissists have a supernatural ability to dodge responsibility. They’ve perfected the art of blame-shifting, turning every conversation into a courtroom, where you’re suddenly on trial for something you didn’t even do.

You do not have to play along. When they start deflecting blame, recognize it for what it is — a tactic to avoid accountability. Instead of getting pulled into their drama, calmly bring the conversation back to the main issue. If you stay focused, you’ll keep control of the conversation.

Remember, blame isn’t really useful in a healthy relationship anyway. Approach your partner’s mistakes with as much grace as you would like for yours. If they aren’t meeting the expectations you have for the relationship, discuss that with them instead of pointing fingers.

2. When they gaslight you . . .

The 2022 Word of the Year: gaslighting. Its bad rap may make you question its existence (ironic), but gaslighting is very real.

When someone makes you doubt what you know happened, like reality itself is up for debate, you’re being gaslighted. Narcissists are masters of this manipulative tactic. Suddenly, you’re second-guessing your own memory while they confidently rewrite the past.

With each calculated statement, they chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling uncertain and off-balance. But there is a way to handle it:

• Stay calm and trust your version of events. You don’t need to argue or prove your point; just affirm your experience and move on. 
• Keep a record of what was said and done. Narcissists can have a habit of rewriting history to serve their own narrative, so jot down the dates of key points of important discussions. I recommend journaling. 
• Pick your battles well. Some arguments are best left un-argued. If it’s not important, just let it go. 
• Avoid triggers. If the narcissist in your life turns to gaslighting in specific situations, practice steering those situations away from disagreement.  

3. When they guilt-trip you . . . 

When you said you wanted to take a trip, you meant to Cabo. 

Narcissists use guilt-tripping, a type of emotional manipulation, to make you feel responsible for their feelings or actions, often by bringing up old issues or obligations. But you are NOT responsible for their feelings. Your primary responsibility is to your own well-being and happiness. 

It’s crucial that you set clear boundaries. This article can help you do that: Healthy Boundaries in Relationships: What They Are and How to Set Them.

Ask your partner to acknowledge that your relationship needs attention. Read How to Fix a Relationship, Rebuild Trust, and Write a New Love Story together for tips and strategies for improving things.

Recognize that the problem may be bigger than you can manage on your own. Read 11 Signs of a Toxic Relationship You Do Not Want to Ignore to find out what you should do next. 

4. When they verbally abuse you . . .

There’s one lie our parents told us that stands out above the rest of them — and there were a lot. 

No, it’s not “turning on a light in the car at night is illegal.” It’s “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

Words can cut deeper than knives, and narcissists are skilled verbal assassins who know exactly where to strike. They launch targeted attacks at your self-worth, firing off cruel comments and harsh criticisms designed to make you feel small while making themselves feel powerful. 

What makes this especially painful is how they often disguise their verbal attacks as “helpful feedback” or “honest opinions.” But their end game is to make you feel powerless and small, a tactic used by controlling partners. 

In the midst of a verbal attack, remember that walking away isn’t giving up — it’s standing up for yourself. 

Stepping away can give you both a chance to think about what you’ll say next, and hopefully what they say next isn’t a sign your relationship has reached its last legs.

To reclaim your life, read How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: Steps to Regain Your Freedom.

5. When they hog the spotlight . . .

Do you remember the background actors on popular shows? Not likely. 

A narcissist makes everything about them, turning everyone else in the room into an extra in a series about their life.

Got a big promotion? They’ll top it with their work story. Mention your struggle? They’ve been through so much worse. This constant one-upping and spotlight-hogging can leave you feeling unseen, unheard, and downright invisible.

Here are some quick tips for handling a spotlight-hogging narcissist: 

• Redirect the focus tactfully: Acknowledge their input, then guide the conversation back to the group or another person.
• Assert yourself calmly: Politely remind them to let you finish speaking without escalating the situation.
• Use humor to disarm: A lighthearted comment like, “Let’s not turn this into The [Their Name] Show!” can sometimes help balance the dynamic.

6. When they give you the silent treatment . . .

Silent treatment isn’t the harmless joke people make it out to be in memes about angry wives. 

This behavior can actually harm your mental and physical health. 

You’ll constantly check your phone, obsessively wondering why they’re not responding. Your productivity at work suffers as you become distracted. Sleep becomes difficult as anxiety creeps in. You might experience physical symptoms like headaches, stomach tension, and increased cortisol levels from the constant stress.^[2] 

It’ll be hard, but don’t take the bait. 

Instead of begging for their attention, distract yourself with things and people that make you feel good. And when they eventually start talking again, don’t rehash the silent treatment. Keep the conversation forward-focused and maintain your boundaries. Remember, this behavior is about control, not communication — don’t let it control you.

7. When they love bomb you . . .

I bet you didn’t know the dating world had its own version of a free trial that comes with hidden strings attached.

Love bombing is all about overloading you with attention to get you hooked. They’ll call you their soulmate, shower you with gifts, make sweeping declarations about your future together, and act like you’re the answer to all their prayers — often within days of meeting. It feels amazing — until it doesn’t.

The flattery suddenly stops and toxicity starts, but you’re already hooked. Then, just when you’re about to throw up your hands and quit, boom. More love.

Here’s how you handle the toxic cycle of love bombing:  

• Don’t get swept away. Remember that real love grows steadily, like a strong tree. Anyone who professes their undying love in week one is full of it.
• Set boundaries: Make it clear what you’re comfortable with and stick to your limits. Set clear boundaries and stick to them.
• Trust your instincts: If something feels too good to be true, it probably is. Trust your gut feelings.

Textbook love bombing

8. When they play the victim . . .

Get out your smelling salts. Swooning like a shocked maiden isn’t just for the Victorians. 

Narcissists can twist any situation into a tragic narrative in which they’re the helpless, wounded protagonist and everyone else is the villain. Their goal isn’t healing or understanding; it’s to generate maximum sympathy while dodging any real responsibility.

Simply acknowledge their feelings (because you’re a decent human), but don’t let their “woe is me” act derail the real issue. You’re not a therapist, and you’re definitely not responsible for fixing their feelings. That’s a fast track to codependency.

To avoid getting caught up in a narcissist’s endless drama, another strategy is to limit your emotional investment. Enter the “gray rock” technique — become as boring and uninteresting as a literal gray rock!^[3]

Gray rocking is all about not giving a narcissist the reaction they crave. When you stay calm, neutral, and uninterested, they lose the “fuel” that keeps them engaged.

If you feel like the relationship has become a burden to your emotional well-being, read this article for tips on how to deal with this situation: Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On With Your Life

9. When they use triangulation . . .

Ever feel like you’ve been cast in a messy soap opera you didn’t audition for?

That’s triangulation — a narcissist’s favorite plot twist. It’s a manipulation tactic where they deliberately involve a third person to create more tension, confusion, or conflict and absolve themselves of all responsibility.

A classic example might be a narcissistic partner who tells their spouse something like, “Your best friend said you’re not trustworthy,” while simultaneously telling the friend a different version of events.

If this happens to you, avoid reacting emotionally or trying to defend yourself — it only feeds the drama. Just focus on facts and the issue at hand without engaging in their attempts to involve others. If they claim someone said something about you, go directly to the source instead of trusting their version.

You can also read 11 Signs of a Toxic Relationship You Do Not Want to Ignore to know how to root out the toxic people in your life.

Your Next Steps

Now that you’ve got some idea of how narcissists operate and a few of your own tricks up your sleeve, where to now? 

Educate yourself. Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and the tactics narcissists and other toxic partners use. The more you understand their behavior, the better equipped you’ll be to handle it effectively.

Don’t enable. Narcissists are emotional vampires who feed on your reactions. If they initiate an argument, don’t give in to their demands or accept their manipulation. Stay calm and refuse to engage.

Revise your expectations. If the narcissist is a family member or someone you can’t easily cut out of your life, try to reframe the relationship. Focus on the positive aspects and set realistic expectations for their behavior.

Practice mindfulness through meditation. Meditation strengthens your ability to stay grounded and detached from emotional manipulation. It helps you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Journaling is equally as important. Keeping a record of interactions can help you identify patterns in the narcissist’s behavior.

Consider professional help. If the narcissist’s behavior is causing significant distress, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide you with strategies and support tailored to your situation.

Leave the relationship. If you’re stuck in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and it’s taking a toll on your mental or physical health, it’s time to consider an exit plan. Having a backup plan, like a place to stay or contacts who can help, can make a huge difference.

This article has a quiz to help you determine if you’re in a toxic relationship and provides advice on how to leave: How to Leave a Toxic Relationship: 6 No-Nonsense Steps (+ Quiz).

Go no contact. Narcissists will try to manipulate you long after you’ve left the relationship. To protect yourself, consider going full no contact after the breakup.

Remember, it’s okay to walk away from toxic relationships. Your well-being IS the priority. You ARE the main character in your story. Don’t let a narcissist drain your energy or dim your light.

For additional insights for safety and healing, see our guides to dealing with relationship abuse.

Here are some helpful resources for victims of abuse:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE)
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): www.rainn.org
• Love Is Respect (for young people in abusive relationships): www.loveisrespect.org
• Safe Horizon (for crime and abuse victims): www.safehorizon.org

FAQs

References

1. Broogard, B. (2016, December 6). The Most Effective Way to Stop Verbal Abuse. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-of-love/201612/the-most-effective-way-to-stop-verbal-abuse

2. Ising, M., & Holsboer, F. (2006). Genetics of stress response and stress-related disorders. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 8(4), 433–444.
https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2006.8.4/mising

3. Gillis K. (2023, June 1). The Grey Rock Method: Techniques & How to Use It. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/grey-rock-method/

Breakups suck, but what comes after the breakup can be awkward, inconvenient, and even more painful than the breakup itself. 

The solution? Go no contact.

But first . . . what is the No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule is the period of radio silence after the end of a relationship. You’re not contacting him; he’s not contacting you. It’s time for both of you to take a break and reevaluate things. This is the space in which you can learn to detach yourself from this person once and for all. Here’s what no contact looks like:

No texting

No talking in person or on the phone

No social media interaction at all

Unfollowing or muting social media

Avoiding presence at the same events

Simply put, it’s an opportunity to press the reset button, take a step back, gain both perspective and closure.

1. You can prioritize yourself again.

There’s a subtle (yet very recognizable) shift that takes place in most new relationships.

You stop doing the things, hanging out with the people, and living the life that made you you before he came into it. Going no contact gives you that life back! I remember when I was dating a girl some time ago. We dated for about a year before I started letting things in my life fall by the wayside. 

Engaging in hobbies? Meh. Spending time with friends? Maybe next week. Working on a side hustle? No thanks. Aside from my job, I pretty much let everything go; my life revolved around this girl.

She eventually left without a trace, and I had to get my groove back. You can too. Here are a few practical steps to prioritize yourself after going no contact:

• Focus on your career. Get that money honey! Sometimes, going no contact is the perfect excuse to go double-down on your career. 
• Practice real self care. Self-care is often touted as bubble baths and scented candles. Those things are nice, but real self-care is the practical stuff: exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep. Embracing your passions. Imbuing a journal with your deepest feelings.
• Set new goals. Nothing distracts like trying to achieve something. Actually achieving it is even nicer. 

2. He’ll start to miss you.

One benefit to going no contact is great if you’re just a tad bitter. 

Did you spend weeks or months of the relationship wishing he’d make you a priority? Did he twist every conflict to make you a villain? Did he betray you, cheat on you, or otherwise do you dirty?

No contact can make a guy who didn’t appreciate you when you were around miss you like crazy. All but disappearing into the ether is the saving grace that will have him eating his heart out and regretting ever mistreating you. 

Keep in mind that holding on too tightly to bitterness and vengeance might derail your healing from the breakup. But if knowing he’s wallowing in regret makes you feel just a tad bit better about all the time you wasted on him, I’m not judging.

3. He’ll finally respect you.

The downfall of any relationship always begins with one thing. 

Disrespect. It started with him interrupting you mid-conversation with friends. Evolved into disrespecting your boundaries, time, opinions, and feelings. Maybe even spiraled into lying, cheating, or even gaslighting.

Being disrespected and mistreated over and over again makes it hard to sustain the feelings of love you once had for this person. But it’s also damaged your self-esteem, making it hard enough to break things off, let alone cutting contact entirely.

If you slip up and reach out or answer a text, that’s ok. You don’t have to abandon the whole plan just because you made contact. It’s not an all or nothing thing.

What’s important is that you value your space in a way that brooks no space for disrespect.

When you muster the strength to go no contact, you take disrespectful behavior and smash it, building boundaries up taller than the ice wall from Game of Thrones. 

4. You’ll experience a confidence renaissance.

There’s one simple loophole that will help you move on quicker (and find someone better) once a relationship has ended. 

You may feel like confidence is impossible in the aftermath of your breakup. You’re wondering where things went wrong, obsessing over every interaction, and questioning your self-worth. That’s why going no contact is the key to rebuilding your confidence. 

The no contact rule isn’t just a strategy, it’s liberation from this emotional turmoil. By deliberately choosing to step back and focus on yourself, you’ll not only create the space needed for healing but also rediscover the fierce, high-value woman who exists beyond any relationship’s shadow.

5. You’ll conquer codependency.

Some toxic relationships are subtler than others. Some relationship dynamics look like healthy devotion but hide a damning secret beneath the surface.

Dysfunction, thy name is codependency. Codependency, a cycle of need and insecurity, can come in the form of people-pleasing, caretaking, or even trying to “fix him.”

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You like to be needed, so you reshaped your world around his needs and moods. If you’ve lost sight of your own dreams, identity, and personal power, the no contact rule can help you reclaim your independence. 

Going no contact helps break the ties of codependent behavior by creating distance. This space allows you to reconnect with who you are and what you value without the toxic influence of a dude who’s monopolizing your energy. 

Pro tip: If necessary, assign an intermediary to handle issues of mutual importance, such as bills or pet sharing.

If you’re struggling with a codependent or otherwise toxic relationship, here are some articles that might help you:

• How to Leave a Toxic Relationship: 6 No-Nonsense Steps (+ Quiz)
• 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags
• 31 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
• How to Break Up With Someone You Love (Hint: Not by Text Message)

6. It speeds up emotional healing.

What if I told you that you could fast-track the emotional healing process?

In the middle of a breakup, your emotions are raw and all over the place. And the more you stay in contact, the harder it will be, and the longer it will take to heal. So, no barrage of post-breakup texts or passive-aggressive social media updates. You can’t heal from emotional frustration if you remain in the chaos that caused it in the first place.

Using the no contact rule can speed up the breakup healing process by taking you out of the emotional pressure cooker. This gives you time and space to healthily process your feelings and debrief the relationship itself. 

Here’s a tip: Enlist a friend to be your accountability coach. When you feel the urge to check if he’s hurting after the breakup, reach out to your friend instead. They’ll be your much-needed reality check in those moments of weakness — so lean on them.

7. You have space to move on with clarity.

Do you really want to carry all this baggage into your next relationship? It’s time to wrap up this chapter of your life.

The end of a relationship often brings a lot of conflicting emotions and confusion. You second-guess yourself and everything else, replaying every painful moment like a bad movie reel. These mental gyrations cloud your judgment and prevent you from understanding what really went wrong. 

The no contact rule is such a powerful solution because it lifts you from the emotional turbulence and creates a space for reflection. Without contact, you can step back, breathe, and gain the perspective that was impossible to see while you were caught up in the relationship drama. 

Embrace complete disconnection. When you commit to going no contact, the mental static clears. You finally see the trees and not just the forest.

Here’s how you can create that kind of psychological breathing room:

• Spend time outdoors. Hang out by some water if you can. Water stills your thoughts and helps you to reflect.
• Allow yourself to grieve. The path to closure includes letting it all out. Take a day to sob and cry and mourn the end of your relationship. This is normal and healthy.
• Review the lessons you learned. Take time to examine the relationship and the lessons it has to offer, even considering the mistakes you made. This will prepare you for your next relationship.

If you still haven’t decided if breaking up is the right thing to do, this article might help: When Is It Time to Break Up With Your Partner? The Telltale Signs You Need to End the Relationship

Conclusion

The no contact rule is easy to understand but can be challenging to apply. For this reason, give yourself some grace here. One slip doesn’t mean you abandon the whole plan.

See our guides to ending a relationship for more help making sense of your breakup.

FAQs

References 

1. Lancer, D. (2020) How we lose ourselves in relationships. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202010/how-we-lose-ourselves-in-relationships

2. Ruggi, S., Gilli, G., Stuckless, N., & Oasi, O. (2012). Assessing vindictiveness: Psychological aspects by a reliability and validity study of the Vengeance Scale in the Italian context. Current Psychology, 31, 365–380.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-012-9153-2

3. Frei, J. R., & Shaver, P. R. (2002). Respect in close relationships: Prototype definition, self‐report assessment, and initial correlates. Personal Relationships, 9(2), 121–139.
https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.00008

4. Lewandowski, G. W., Nardone, N., & Raines, A. J. (2009). The role of self-concept clarity in relationship quality. Self and Identity, 9(4), 416–433.
https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860903332191

5. Mellody, P. (1989). Facing codependence: What it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. Harper & Row.

6. Pascual-Leone, A. (2018). How clients “change emotion with emotion”: A programme of research on emotional processing. Psychotherapy Research, 28(2), 165–182. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2017.1349350

Breakups leave emotional echoes. Sudden texts, strategic social media interactions, and calculated “coincidences” reveal unspoken desires. These behaviors suggest your ex is mapping a return route to your heart.

1. He consistently reaches out to you.  

Would you prefer a needy ex or a hostile one? 

Don’t answer that. It’s a Morton’s fork. 

Messages from a needy ex drip with familiarity, laced with just enough warmth to (attempt to) stir the ache of nostalgia. Each word feels like a carefully crafted manipulation, unraveling the progress you’ve made as he draws you into his restless need for connection.

You don’t want to send the wrong message, so keep your emotions in check and focus on clarity. 

• Be clear about how much contact you’re comfortable with. Do this by setting boundaries right away.
• Introduce a little empathy into the equation. Read Signs He Is Hurting After the Breakup to understand your ex’s perspective.
• If he’s trying to guilt-trip or otherwise manipulate you, forget empathy. That’s a sign of a toxic person and you’re lucky to have escaped.
• Don’t assume anything. The answer could honestly just be he’s bored. If he texts you out of the blue, the reason isn’t a guaranteed “I can’t live without you.”

2. Every interaction with him feels like venturing down memory lane.  

Your ex as a Marvel post-credit scene, always hinting at a sequel you’re not sure you want. 

He’s always bringing up old memories, like that trip to the coast or your favorite late-night spot, and weaving them into comments about the future. Even casual remarks like, “Your mom always said we made a great team,” feel loaded with innuendo — as if he’s pitching a romantic reboot.

Nostalgia is one hell of a drug, so arm yourself:

• Politely redirect conversations that steer into the past or shared future.
• Stay grounded in your present and what you want right now.
• Ask yourself if his words spark interest or just reignite old habits.
• If you’re not interested, say so. Explain that you’re looking for closure instead of round two.
• If you are interested, make sure he’s not toying with you. Read How to Know if a Guy Is Playing You or Really Likes You to avoid being played.

3. His body language is working overtime.  

Shakira wasn’t wrong. Words can lie, but body language rarely does.

He might not come right out and say he wants you back, but he doesn’t have to. His body language will shout it from the rooftops. Here’s what to look for:

• He tilts toward you when talking, closing the space between you.
• He turns his whole body toward yours to express his engagement.
• He mirrors your gestures, like crossing his arms when you do.
• His gaze lingers, holding yours more than usual.
• He fidgets or adjusts his clothes when you’re around.

Learn more about body language by reading 18 Signs of Mutual Attraction Between Two People and How to Spot Them.

4. He’s been working on self-improvement.  

There’s nothing quite like a comeback.

Your ex may have been building better habits all this time not because that’s just a better way to live. It’s all for you. For example, if financial irresponsibility was an issue, he might share new budgeting strategies or mention consulting a financial advisor.

If your ex has been working to improve the aspects of himself that caused the breakup in the first place, perhaps you should consider getting back together. After all, sometimes a break can be good for a relationship in the long run.

One caveat.

Make sure the change is consistent before diving back in headfirst.

If it’s not or you prefer to move on, simply express how happy you are for him and how proud you are that he’s tackled this, but that you’d rather stay friends. 

5. He’s still single.

Does an empty dating roster hint at unfinished business?

Staying single is often a sign that he’s stuck in the past, unable to fully let go of what you two had. Maybe no one else measures up, or he’s replaying the moments that made your relationship special. His lack of effort may not just be about being picky. It could mean he’s still holding out hope for you.

If I were in this situation, I’d take it as a clear signal to turn my attention inward:

• Focus on self-growth. Use this time to rediscover your passions, set personal goals, and rebuild your confidence.
• Don’t overthink it. You’re broken up. If he’s single, so what? Protect yourself from too much overthinking about his healing process so you don’t complicate yours. 

6. He flirts with you and compliments you.

A guy who flirts with you and compliments you wants one thing. 

You!

You haven’t seen each other in weeks, maybe months. For the most part, the breakup is behind you. But then you’re at a mutual friend’s gathering and everything changes. 

You lock eyes with your ex, and time freezes. He leans in and whispers, “You look better in that dress than I remember.” Flirting or compliments, like “You always had the best style,” hint at lingering feelings and nostalgia. His playful gestures suggest he might be testing the waters.

So what do you do? 

You can flirt back if you like. If you’re not interested in playing that particular game, remind him of your boundaries. Then again, some people like to avoid such scenarios by going full no contact after a breakup. That means staying home from get-togethers you know he’ll be attending. 

7. His jealousy is hard to hide. 

Why was Ross always jealous of Rachel’s new boyfriends on Friends? It wasn’t because he didn’t want her back.

In 2015, jealousy made me act foolishly. When my ex started dating someone new, I impulsively commented on their photo, “Nice to see you’ve found someone who can tolerate your quirks!” My attempt at humor backfired, turning my private feelings into a public spectacle. Jealousy, when handled maturely, can hint at unresolved affection. 

If you’re wondering if your ex might want you back based on his jealousy, here are some practical tips.

• Use journaling for clarity. Encourage journaling to help both of you process emotions. Try this article on Journaling as a Healing Tool for self-reflection and emotional healing.
• Observe his actions. Is his jealousy showing affection or possessiveness? True love involves maturity and emotional honesty.
• Check for serious intentions. Look for consistent effort, communication, and respect. According to How to Know if a Guy is Serious About You: Signs to Look For, actions are key.
• Allow space for healing. Jealousy might signal unresolved feelings. Give both of you time and space to heal before jumping to conclusions.

8. He tells you he misses you.

Ah, those “three little words.” No, not those ones.

People miss things for different reasons. Your ex could be feeling lonely, nostalgic, or simply missing the comfort of your presence, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to rebuild the relationship. Sometimes, it’s just a way to test the water or seek validation, not a clear sign of wanting to reconnect.

First of all, you don’t owe him a reunion just because he’s nostalgic. Here’s what you do instead: 

• Examine your feelings without pressure or commentary from your ex.
• Consider the possibility that it’s too soon. Why do I say that? Read Taking a Break in a Relationship: When Love Needs a Time-Out for answers.
• If you choose to explore this, set clear boundaries and communicate your expectations clearly. 
• Discuss your relationship values this time around and hopefully avoid what broke you up in the first place.

Your Next Steps: Navigating Mixed Signals

Not every sign means what it seems. An ex liking your photos or sending a casual text might feel like a spark, but it could just be a flicker of curiosity. Polite messages or nostalgic memories can warm your heart, yet they might be nothing more than echoes of a shared history.  

Here are some ways to navigate mixed signals: 

• Focus on actions, not fleeting gestures or vague messages. You might find it helpful to explore the signs a man is in love and how to know if he is serious about you. 
• Protect your boundaries and walk away if the same cracks reappear.
• Instead of speculating about whether your ex wants you back, work on achieving closure.
• Take a step back from all this noise. Meditate, hike, or take up journaling. Getting to know yourself better might make it easier to drown out your ex’s neediness.

Breakups are confusing, and sometimes it’s hard to know if it’s over over. From subtle hints to outright emotional confessions, the signs can vary widely. 

Ultimately, breakups are about prioritizing your happiness and emotional well-being as you navigate this next chapter of your story.

Our guides to ending a relationship can help you make sense of this complicated time in your life.

FAQs

References 

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2. Evans, N. D., Juhl, J., Hepper, E. G., Wildschut, T., Sedikides, C., & Fetterman, A. K. (2022). Romantic nostalgia as a resource for healthy relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(7), 2181–2206. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221075773

3. Pease, A. & Pease, B. (2006). The definitive book of body language: The hidden meaning behind people’s gestures and expressions. Bantam. https://e-edu.nbu.bg/pluginfile.php/331752/mod_resource/content/0/Allan_and_Barbara_Pease_-_Body_Language_The_Definitive_Book.pdf

4. Apostolou, M. (2019). Why men stay single? Evidence from Reddit. Evolutionary Psychological Science, 5(1), 87–97. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40806-018-0163-7

5. Kennair, L. E. O., Wade, T. J., Tallaksen, M. T., Grøntvedt, T. V., Kessler, A. M., Burch, R. L., & Bendixen, M. (2022). Perceived effectiveness of flirtation tactics: The effects of sex, mating context and individual differences in US and Norwegian samples. Evolutionary Psychology, 20(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/14747049221088011

6. Attridge, M. (2013). Jealousy and relationship closeness exploring the good (reactive) and bad (suspicious) sides of romantic jealousy. SAGE Open, 3(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244013476054