Using Male Psychology to Turn Dating Into Commitment 

Penny was always the one before The One. Three times (!) she fell for a man only to watch him move on and marry the very next woman he dated.

Now men are obsessed with her. They pursue her. She’s the one they can’t stop thinking about, the one they fight to keep.

What changed? She found Amy North’s The Devotion System, and everything clicked.Imagine having that kind of power . . . what would it feel like to be the one men can’t get enough of?

Is The Devotion System Right for Me?

It wasn’t that Penny was unlucky or unlovable. She just didn’t understand how men’s psychology works.

The Devotion System made everything click, and Penny realized the secret most women never learn. The moment she started playing by the new rules, something unimaginable happened. 

David — the man she considered way out of her league — was now texting her, planning dates, and looking at her like she was the most precious woman in the world.

Penny didn’t change who she was. She changed how she connected with men.

Does this sound like you?

• You give everything in relationships, but men never fully commit.
• You’ve been the one they date, but not the one they fight to keep.
• You want a relationship where a man adores, prioritizes, and chooses you daily.
• You’re tired of guessing what men want and just want clear, proven answers.
• You’re after a simple, actionable system that turns attraction into lasting devotion.

The Devotion System can help you stop waiting for men to see your worth and start making them crave a future with you.

It doesn’t matter if you’re 20 or 50, shy or outgoing, newly single or in a long-term relationship — these strategies tap into emotional triggers that work on any man, no matter how distant or commitment-shy he seems.

What Is The Devotion System?

Amy North developed this system after experiencing the devastation of heartbreak and betrayal (her boyfriend cheating with her best friend, yikes!). She was determined to understand why some men commit deeply while others pull away.

Her research led to The Devotion System, the game-changing step-by-step relationship program designed to help women like Penny — like you — stop wasting time on men who won’t commit and start building real, lasting devotion with those who are truly worth it.

But this system isn’t just about attraction. It taps into what Amy calls the “beyond love” state — where a man becomes so emotionally drawn to you that losing you feels unthinkable. 

By deep diving into male psychology, emotional attraction, and the science of commitment, The Devotion System gives you the exact tools to create a love that lasts.

How does it work?

Instead of generic dating advice, The Devotion System uses a science-backed framework that focuses on three key pillars.

• Psychological triggers: Use techniques like The Love Buzz Mindset and The Emotional Imprint Technique to activate a man’s emotional bonding instincts so he feels a deep attachment to you.
• Communication secrets: Discover the Devotion Sequence, a magical set of words that will force any man to feel a level of desire for you beyond love.
• Relationship roadmap: With methods like The Marriage Maker Line and The Love Refreshment Technique, you’ll learn exactly how to inspire commitment at any stage.

Why does it work when other advice fails?

Not about playing hard to get
Not about changing yourself
Not just about attraction

By breaking down the psychology of dating, The Devotion System helps women take love from wild goose chase to #relationshipgoals.

Who Is Amy North?

Amy North is a dating coach and relationship expert with a degree in social psychology from Western University in Ontario, Canada. With years of hands-on coaching experience, she has helped thousands of women — whether they’re 18 or 55 — understand male psychology, break unhealthy dating patterns, and inspire lasting commitment. 

Beyond The Devotion System, Amy created Text Chemistry, a best-selling program on attraction through texting. She also coaches with Brad Browning’s LoveLearnings.

With a YouTube channel boasting over 610,000 subscribers, Amy’s advice has reached women worldwide, with the majority of her clients coming from the USA, Canada, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand — proving that her techniques are effective across different cultures and dating landscapes.

Key Features of The Devotion System

As Penny read through Amy’s “three steps to win any man’s heart,” she realized she’d been going about love all wrong for years. 

• Step One: Forget everything you think you know about men. Don’t assume men process emotions like women do. Their limbic system—the brain’s emotional regulatory system—is smaller, so emotional bonding works differently for them. 
• Step Two: Make a man know you don’t need him. Neediness kills attraction. Learn to avoid behaviors that make you look desperate.
• Step Three: Plant the seed of devotion deep in his mind. By tapping into certain triggers, you can make a man feel a visceral need to be with you long-term.

If only Penny had discovered The Devotion System’s strategies sooner, she could have saved herself years of heartbreak.

Amy will teach you how to always leave him wanting more with the Cat String Concept. Before you know it, you’ll stop waiting to be chosen and instead create an irresistible pull that keeps him hooked from the start. 

Next, Amy’s magic set of words, the Devotion Sequence, takes it even further — sparking a deep emotional attachment that makes you unforgettable. This triggers a level of desire so intense that men find it nearly impossible to walk away.

According to Amy, these tricks work on any man (yes, even that impossibly hot finance guy from the office), no matter his age, appearance, or dating history, because they tap into the hidden emotional core that men rarely reveal.

If you’re ready to shift the dynamic and make devotion effortless, The Devotion System goes even further with more powerful techniques to keep him hooked.

• The Love Buzz Mindset: This strategy makes him think about you nonstop, even when you’re not around.
• The Monogamy Message: Discover a subtle way to make him commit without pressure and see you as the only woman for him.
• The Marriage Maker Line: The right phrase can naturally nudge a relationship toward long-term commitment.
• Language of Love: Explore simple but powerful phrases that subtly convince him you’re the only woman he’ll ever need.
• Forever Attraction Tactic: This straightforward method will intensify lust and desire, no matter how long you’ve been together.
• The Secret Love Refreshment Line: Rekindle passion and make him crave you all over again with this technique.
• The Emotional Imprint Technique: This method helps you create unforgettable emotional experiences that make you irreplaceable.
• The Phone Frenzy Method: Discover how to make him eager to call and hear your voice as often as possible.

How exactly does The Devotion System deliver this groundbreaking approach?

• a 50,000-word e-book that dives deep into male psychology, attraction triggers, and relationship strategies
• 13-part video training series featuring engaging lessons to reinforce each technique
• bonus “Textual Chemistry” guide, your manual for using texts to spark attraction and deepen connection
• bonus “Finding Love Online” blueprint for meeting high-quality men in the digital age
• bonus “Cheat-Proofing Your Relationship” how-to for building lasting loyalty and devotion

After years of heartbreak and rejection, Penny was tired of false hope and empty promises. Desperate for something real, she decided to give The Devotion System a try, but she wasn’t expecting much. It was just another dating program, right? 

But as she read through the techniques, something clicked. And for the first time in her life, she wasn’t the one chasing love — love was chasing her.

Pricing and Money-Back Guarantee

For a program that has helped thousands of women transform their love lives, The Devotion System is surprisingly affordable.

Originally priced at $310, Amy North is currently offering a special promotion, giving you full access for just $48.25 — an 84% discount.

This one-time payment includes the entire program:

• The Devotion System e-book
• video training series
• three bonus guides

Amy is so confident in her system that she offers a 100% risk-free guarantee. If you don’t see results within 60 days, you can request a full refund — no questions asked.

How does it compare to other options?

• One session with a relationship coach? $100–$300 per hour.
• Months of therapy? Thousands of dollars.
• Guessing your way through dating and relationships? Priceless in the worst way.

For less than a dinner date, The Devotion System gives you the exact tools to stop wasting time on men who won’t commit — and finally attract the devotion you deserve.

Click here to change your love life today

Does The Devotion System Really Work?

No dating program is going to wave a magic wand and turn a commitment-phobic guy into Prince Charming overnight. But The Devotion System does something a lot of traditional advice doesn’t — it focuses on how men bond emotionally and what actually makes them commit. 

Some women find the techniques transformative.

These techniques work best for women who are ready to rethink their approach to love. If you’re exhausted from giving everything and getting breadcrumbs in return, if you’re done waiting for men to finally see your worth, The Devotion System might be the shift you need.

The question isn’t does this work? but are you ready to try something different?

Get instant access and start changing the way men see you today.

Seeing Jess, a 36-year-old marketing exec, today you’d never guess that just last spring, she was picking up the pieces of her eight-year relationship. Now she’s in a place of genuine peace and renewed confidence.

What’s her secret? A few months back, she stumbled across our breakup recovery article. One read led to another, then another — each one offering more clarity, more practical advice. 

“It was like someone finally handed me a map,” she says. 

No more stumbling through the dark, wondering if what you feel is normal. Breakup recovery isn’t random emotional chaos — it’s a journey with recognizable terrain. 

1. Emotional Whiplash

The first 72 hours after a breakup might be the most neurologically intense experience of your adult life.

For Jess, this stage hit hard. “My brain felt like it had short-circuited,” she recalls. Her body entered full-blown survival mode — racing heart, scattered thoughts, inability to eat or sleep. Her brain perceived romantic rejection as a life or death situation.

Desperate for relief, Jess dove into research, trying to make sense of the chaos in her mind. That’s when she found our article about the science of heartbreak — and suddenly, things clicked. Her brain wasn’t broken; it was reacting exactly as it was wired to. 

Here are three practical tools that helped her — and can help you — navigate this stage of breakup.

• 4-7-8 breathing reset. When your heart races and thoughts spiral, this technique interrupts your fight-or-flight response. Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, exhale for 8. 
• 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise. When you feel yourself spiraling into anxiety, identify 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste. This technique helps you stay in the present instead of replaying the past or worrying about the future.
• Japa meditation. When your thoughts are spiraling, grab a string of beads (or even a bracelet with small knots) and start repeating a simple, soothing phrase — out loud or in your mind. This could be something as simple as “I am going to be okay.” With each bead, repeat your mantra and focus on your breath.

Just as Jess began to regain her footing with these techniques, an illusory calm settled over her.

2. Denial

There’s a phase in breakup recovery that feels deceptively like acceptance.

Just when the shock began to wear off, Jess entered a phase of complete emotional dissociation. She found herself telling friends she was “totally fine” while mechanically going through daily routines. 

“I convinced myself the breakup was temporary and he’d come back once he ‘found himself.’ I even kept our shared Netflix account active.”

While it’s true that taking a break can be good for a relationship, clinging to hope instead of accepting reality is denial in a nutshell. 

It’s our evolutionary coping mechanism. Our brain cannot sustain high-intensity grief indefinitely. Dissociation allows us to absorb reality gradually, in manageable doses. 

With a pragmatic approach, you can move safely through the dangerously comforting waters of denial:

• Say it out loud. Every day, tell someone: “We broke up. It’s over.” Hearing yourself say it reinforces reality and stops you from clinging to “maybe.”
• Reclaim your life. To go no contact, unsubscribe from shared accounts, pack away his things, and change routines that keep him present. Bonus: Think about things you couldn’t do when you were together and go do them (I got a dog, best decision of my life).
• Disrupt the fantasy. Your brain clings to the good parts, so actively remind yourself why it ended. Write about your ex’s worst behaviors and reflect on the red flags you missed. Read the list as if your bestie had written it about her ex. This shifts your perspective and exposes the illusion.

Then one morning, three months after her breakup, the protective numbness shattered, replaced by uncontrollable rage.

3. Anger and Resentment

This phase of heartbreak terrifies most people but is also the most necessary.

The rage hit Jess without warning. Suddenly she was filled with rage — at him, at herself, at the entire situation. She was angry that she’d wasted eight years of her life with a guy who saw no future with her. She was angry that she wasn’t the one who called it quits. She was even angry at happy couples she saw on the street.

Socially, we tend to demonize anger and suppress it, especially women, but anger is the emotional immune response to violation. It tells you that your boundaries were crossed and helps you protect yourself in the future. The key is expressing it constructively rather than destructively.

To channel anger effectively, consider these evidence-based approaches:

• Move your anger. Your body needs a physical outlet for the emotional storm. Try boxing, sprinting, or even scrubbing your kitchen like it personally offended you. Anything that makes you sweat will help release tension.
• Write it, don’t send it. Grab a notebook and let it all out. Write the unsent letter, unfiltered and raw. Say everything you never got to say. Then, when you’re ready, reflect on what’s beneath the anger — hurt, disappointment, humiliation?
• Reframe it. Anger thrives on extreme thinking: “I wasted years of my life,” or “He never cared.” To break the cycle, try the ABCD method:
  • Adversity: Name what’s making you angry. (“The breakup happened after eight years together.”)
  • Belief: Identify the thought fueling your anger. (“I wasted my time.”)
  • Consequence: Notice how this belief makes you feel. (“I’m stuck, resentful, and blaming myself.”)
  • Dispute: Challenge the belief. (“Did I really waste time, or did I learn, grow, and experience love?”)

As her anger gradually subsided, Jess found herself caught in a different kind of struggle: obsessive analysis. 

4. Bargaining (aka Looking for Answers)

This phase of heartbreak is where logic and desperation collide.

Jess found herself awake at 3 a.m., scrolling through old texts, analyzing every word, every punctuation mark. “Maybe if I had phrased that differently, he wouldn’t have pulled away,” she thought. She reread their last argument, dissected his body language in their final conversation, even searched for hidden meanings in his Spotify playlist.

Desperate for clarity, Jess landed on our article about closure — and suddenly, it all made sense. 

Bargaining is your mind’s desperate attempt to rewrite history. Your brain craves control and if it can’t undo the breakup, it will attempt to make sense of it by searching for explanations. The problem? Most breakups don’t have a single, clean answer. And even if they did, no amount of mental gymnastics will change the outcome.

Escape the exhausting spiral of overanalysis:

• Interrupt your thoughts. Every time you catch yourself ruminating, say (out loud if possible), “Stop. This isn’t helping.” Then immediately redirect your focus — stand up, stretch, blast your favorite song, call a friend. 
• Accept the unacceptable. Sometimes, the hardest truth is that there is no satisfying explanation. One simple way to start? Write a single sentence on a piece of paper: “I will never fully understand why, and that’s okay.” Read it every time you feel yourself slipping back into analysis mode.

Jess eventually realized that no amount of searching would change what had happened. And the moment she let go of the “why,” she finally had space to focus on the “what’s next.”

But before she could fully move forward, she had to grieve what was lost.

5. Sadness and Depression

This is the stage everyone expects, but knowing it’s coming doesn’t make it any easier. 

Six months after her breakup, Jess faced a new challenge. The anger had faded. The mental gymnastics had exhausted itself. What remained was a profound sadness that settled into her bones. “I’d thought I was doing better, but this sadness felt like it went all the way to my core,” Jess remembers.

Sadness after a breakup isn’t just emotional — it’s biochemical. Brain imaging studies show that heartbreak depletes dopamine and serotonin, the very neurotransmitters responsible for motivation and happiness. Your body interprets the loss like withdrawal from an addiction, which is why everything feels dull and exhausting.

Late one night, while mindlessly scrolling through breakup forums, Jess learned about post-breakup depression. It was the first time she realized she wasn’t just “sad” — she was depressed. 

Here’s what actually helps when you’re stuck in this stage:

• Apply the “two-task” rule. When sadness makes everything feel overwhelming, give yourself just two things to accomplish each day — one for your body (like a short walk or making a meal) and one for your mind (like reading 10 pages of a book or journaling for five minutes). No pressure to be productive — just keep moving, even in small ways.
• Schedule cry time. If you feel emotionally flooded all day, set a 20-minute timer and give yourself full permission to cry, and just feel. When the timer ends, physically reset — wash your face, change clothes, go outside. This trains your brain to process sadness without letting it take over the whole day.
• Make a “comfort list.” When you’re sad, thinking of ways to comfort yourself can feel impossible. Instead, make a list now of small, comforting activities — watching a favorite childhood movie (Anne of Green Gables anyone?), rereading a book, or baking cookies. When sadness hits, pull out the list and pick one thing.

Jess didn’t wake up one day magically “over it.” But by stacking these small habits daily, she slowly started to feel human again. The fog lifted, little by little. And before she knew it she was stepping into the next stage.

6. Acceptance and Emotional Healing

One day you just wake up and you feel like yourself again.

For Jess, acceptance wasn’t a single moment. It was a series of small shifts. One day, she realized she hadn’t checked his Instagram in weeks. Another day, she laughed — really laughed — at something her friend said. She still thought about him but it no longer felt like a knife to the chest.

Acceptance isn’t about “getting over it” or forgetting the past. It’s about making peace with it. The pain doesn’t vanish — it just stops controlling you. Instead of feeling like a victim of heartbreak, you start seeing yourself as someone who survived it.

Jess learned to let go, and for the first time, she wasn’t searching for answers about him. She was searching for ways to build a life she actually wanted. Here’s what helped her — and what can help you too:

• Forgive yourself first. Regret is part of healing, but self-blame isn’t. Maybe you stayed too long, ignored red flags, or said things you wish you hadn’t. That’s called being human. Instead of punishing yourself for what you didn’t know, acknowledge what you do know now — and use it to build better relationships in the future.
• Redefine your story. Instead of framing the breakup as a failure, rewrite the narrative. What did you learn? How did this relationship shape you? If your best friend told you this was the chapter before something better, would you believe her?
• Love again — platonically. Love doesn’t just come from romance. Strengthen your friendships, reconnect with family, or even adopt a pet. Letting love in from other sources reminds you that love didn’t leave your life — one person did.

One evening, Jess caught herself humming in the kitchen — something she hadn’t done in months. She paused, realizing it was the first time in a long time she felt the cozy warmth of emotional peace. The breakup didn’t break her, but it did change her.

7. Finding Meaning 

What is broken is not ruined. It is remade.

That’s the philosophy behind Japanese art called kintsugi, the practice of mending broken pottery with gold. Instead of disguising the cracks, it highlights them — transforming something broken into something even more beautiful.

Heartbreak feels like shattering. But like kintsugi, healing is honoring the past, learning from it, and letting it make you stronger. 

The heartbreak transformed Jess into a wiser, more compassionate version of herself. One day, she caught herself giving advice to a newly heartbroken friend, realizing how mature and sensible she sounded. 

The final stage of healing is about moving forward with purpose. Here’s how to embrace your own kintsugi moment:

• Identify your takeaways. Write down three things you learned from this experience — about healthy love, about the importance of boundaries, about yourself. This isn’t about rehashing the past but about recognizing how it shaped you.
• Create a new vision. You’re not just closing a chapter — you’re writing a new one. Where do you want to go from here? What kind of love, friendships, career, and experiences do you actually want? Even small steps toward these goals make the future feel exciting again.
• Help someone else. When you’re ready, take what you’ve learned and share it. Whether it’s supporting a friend, volunteering in your community, or simply being more intentional in your next relationship, turning your pain into purpose is one of the most healing things you can do.

Months after her breakup, Jess found herself walking through her favorite bookstore, drawn to the travel section. She smiled, remembering that solo trip she had always dreamed of taking. And this time, she didn’t just think about it — she booked it.

Things to Remember as You Heal

Jess wasn’t alone in her recovery journey — she had her friends and the entire Break the Cycle Ending a Relationship selection to guide her. Explore these avenues for building a support system:

• Therapy and counseling. If your breakup has triggered deep anxiety, depression, or unresolved trauma, therapy can provide personalized support.
• Support groups and online communities. Whether it’s a local support group or an online space like r/BreakUps, talking to people who get it can be a game changer.
• Breakup recovery programs. Programs like The Breakup Bootcamp by Amy Chan and the Mend self-care app offer step-by-step guidance to help you move forward.

I’ve simplified Jess’s story to give you a roadmap, a sense of direction. But these are broad concepts, universal truths about how we process loss. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this journey:

• Healing looks different for everyone. There’s no set timeline for moving on. Some people feel better in months; for others, it takes longer. Your healing process is unique to you, shaped by your past, your attachment style, and the depth of the relationship. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s.
• The power of self-compassion. You wouldn’t judge a friend for struggling after a breakup — so why be so hard on yourself? Self-compassion means allowing yourself to grieve, make mistakes, and take your time without shame. Be kind to yourself.
• Seek professional support for deeper healing. If your breakup is triggering an overwhelming emotional response, reaching out to a therapist can be a game-changer. Therapy is a space to untangle emotions, rebuild self-worth, and create a future that feels good again.

Remember, the pain you feel today is creating space for new joy tomorrow. You are stronger than you know, and on the other side of this heartbreak is a version of yourself you haven’t even met yet.

FAQs

(No events have been altered to protect anybody’s identity. It’s all a 100% true story.)

This moment has been carved into the deep tissue of my brain. We were in the heart of the pandemic lockdown when, in the middle of the first episode of Space Force, my boyfriend of five years turned to me and said, “I can’t do this anymore.”

I assumed it was a tense patch — work stress, global chaos, anything but the end of us. Then he packed his bags and walked out, never to be seen again.

So, at 31, in the thick of isolation, I was grieving a loss I never saw coming, with no one to see and nowhere to go. And so I sat with my emotions, not out of choice, but because I had no choice. 

Through this experience, I got to know post-breakup depression intimately.

Why Depression Follows a Breakup

If you’ve ever watched Death Becomes Her, you may remember the scene when Goldie Hawn is shot through the torso with a shotgun. That’s exactly how I felt, just that in my case, the blast was aimed right at my heart. The pain was unimaginable.

After the initial shock and weeks of crying, I settled deeply into numbness. It was depression, unfolding in layers, shaped by a mix of emotional and biological forces.

• Sudden loss of emotional attachment. What we perceive as love is actually a neurological bond. When that bond is severed, it leaves behind an absence that the brain interprets as a loss, triggering a grief response similar to mourning a death.
• The body’s physiological response to loss. The sudden drop in dopamine and serotonin — neurotransmitters that regulate mood and motivation — can lead to feelings of deep sadness, lethargy, and emotional numbness.
• Erosion of self-worth. The unexpected loss of validation and rejection from someone to whom you’ve opened up and trusted can magnify existing insecurities, increasing vulnerability to depressive episodes and prolonging emotional distress.
• Resurfacing of unresolved wounds. If past abandonment, betrayal, or neglect were never fully processed, a breakup can bring those emotions rushing back. 
• Isolation deepens the spiral. Depression thrives in loneliness, and breakups can make you feel cut off from the world. If your relationship was a major source of emotional connection, its absence can feel, well, depressive.

For me, it all felt like life was happening behind a glass door, and I was its passive spectator. But that was only one of the symptoms.

Symptoms of Post-Breakup Depression

There’s one very harmful misconception about depression that we need to address.

My life carried on — I worked, achieved, got promoted, went out, laughed. People thought I was okay because I didn’t seem sad. But being depressed doesn’t always mean under-functioning. Sometimes, you function so well that even you start to believe you’re fine. 

That is until you remember that nothing feels real, and nothing really matters.

So, forget about the stereotypical portrayal of depression. Read this list instead — it may give you a deeper understanding of what depression really looks like:

• Constant exhaustion. I wasn’t just tired, I was perpetually depleted. I woke up drained, no matter how much I slept. Everything felt like an effort. 
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions. Even choosing a meal felt impossible. My mind was slow, my focus nonexistent. I was constantly overwhelmed by life itself.
• Loss of interest in daily activities. I neglected everything from my tennis practice to grocery shopping. I lived off takeaways and premade meals. Nothing felt worth doing anymore. I only showed up for things I was legally obligated to do.
• Changes in sleep and appetite. Some nights, I barely slept. On other nights, I crashed for 14 hours and still woke up exhausted. Food lost its taste — I either ate mindlessly or not at all.
• Withdrawal from social connections. I couldn’t bring myself to reply to messages. It took energy and enthusiasm I simply didn’t have. Even basic interactions felt draining, so I stopped showing up. It was easier to just disappear.
• Persistent feelings of worthlessness or guilt. My mind was ruthless. If you had done things differently, maybe he’d still be here. Depression feeds on self-blame, turning regret into a relentless loop of doubt.
• Intense or prolonged sadness that won’t lift. Some days, I felt nothing. Other days, grief hit me like a wave, drowning me in memories I didn’t want to recall.
• Thoughts of hopelessness or self-harm. The scariest part was feeling like I’d failed somehow, like nothing would ever get better. Hopelessness dominated my entire existence. 

Need help? Call 988, or text HOME to 741741 (US & Canada)

In this state, the mind convinces you that this numbness is your new reality, that nothing will ever matter again, that you’ll always feel this way. But depression is a master of distortion. It makes permanence out of passing states. The truth is that even the heaviest fog eventually lifts — but not by itself.

The Way Out of Depression

Most people try to heal depression in the most ineffective way. 

I heard a story on Tara Brach’s podcast that captures this perfectly. A woman collapsed due to a medical condition, and people, instinctively, rushed to lift her up — but she couldn’t get up, she wasn’t ready to stand. Then, one person did something different. Instead of lifting her, they lay down beside her, meeting her where she was until she was ready to rise on her own.

This is what healing from depression requires. Not forcing yourself to “snap out of it,” not trying to bypass the pain, not letting others rush you into feeling better. 

The only way out is through. 

Real healing starts here.

• Sit with the pain before you try to escape it. I know this advice sounds as appealing as putting your hand into the fire, but trust me — it’s the only way (unless you want to find yourself in the same place again in a few years). It will feel overwhelming at first, but start with just 10 minutes a day of sitting with your emotions. Over time, you’ll be able to sit longer, and the intensity of the pain will lessen.
• Move your emotions. Emotions are energy — they need a way out. (Think it’s woo-woo? Then why do you scream when you’re mad?) Try Yin Yoga, shake your arms, stomp your feet, or do a few slow stretches. I, for instance, love shouting into a pillow when anger won’t leave my body. And of course, there’s crying. 
• Be deliberately kind to yourself. If beating yourself up worked, it would have by now. Instead of spiraling into self-criticism, write down in a journal one harsh thought and reframe it as if you were comforting a friend.
• Remove the emotional triggers. Checking his profile won’t give you closure — it just reopens the wound. Block, mute, archive — whatever it takes to stop feeding the addiction. Not ready for that? Tell yourself it’s just for 30 days.
• Ground yourself in nature. You don’t need to go on a four-hour hike — just step outside. Walk aimlessly, touch a tree, feel the air. If that’s too much, sit on a bench and let the world move around you. Nature anchors you in the present, pulling you away from chronic overthinking.
• Find refuge in creativity. Draw, scribble, get one of those adult coloring books. Buy Play-Doh, or stack Legos. For example, I did jigsaw puzzles and photo shoot-style makeup. Creativity is your friend. It helps release emotions and brings you back to the present.
• Find one person you can be real with. For me it was my therapist, but anyone who won’t tell you to just “move on” will do. If talking feels like too much, sit in the same room as someone. Your only job is to be honest about what and how you feel. No putting on masks. No pretending everything is fine. Let that one person witness your pain.

It took me two years to get out of the darkness. Two very sad, very lonely years. But one day, I realized I got excited about something. I don’t even remember what it was, but I remember the feeling. I was looking forward to something. And for the first time in what felt like forever, I wanted to live again. 

But I know those who stayed in the dark, and their stories are not as uplifting.

Impact of Untreated Depression

My friend experienced a similar heartbreak shortly after me, but she took a different approach. 

She immediately started numbing her pain with all sorts of substances. She distracted herself and acted like she was fine. At some point, I even envied her — she seemed to have moved on so easily. But years passed, and she’s still stuck. The depression never left; it just seeped into other areas of her life.

Following in her footsteps can take you down a rabbit hole of dysfunction:

• Become dependent on antidepressants. Medication can stabilize you at first, and there’s no shame in taking antidepressants, but it won’t heal the grief. Relying on mood stabilizers too long can make it harder to remember how to feel good on your own.
• Stay frozen in time. Life moves forward, but you remain stuck in the past, stuck in a loop of what-ifs and if-onlys, emotionally tethered and unable to fully engage with the present or envision a future beyond it.
• Become a Debbie Downer. My friend took a personality test at work and was stunned when it labeled her as negative. I wasn’t as shocked. She had been carrying her sadness for so long that it became part of her presence.
• End up in a cycle of dead-end relationships. Unresolved pain doesn’t just sit quietly — it shapes who you’re drawn to. I listened to my friend talk about guys, and they were all “same same but different but still the same.” Variations of her ex, the one she never spoke about, like he was the boogeyman. 
• Struggle with suicidal thoughts. Depression convinces you it will always be this way, and that life has no meaning. Do not believe it! 

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Your Next Steps

Don’t judge yourself for where you are. Your brain is trying to process loss, and right now, it’s overwhelmed. The most important thing you can do is be on your own side.

Here’s what helped me:

• I stopped fighting myself. Instead of berating myself for feeling like this, I accepted it. It was grief. It was heartbreak. It was normal.
• I learned how to self-soothe. I found ways to regulate my nervous system — breathing techniques, grounding exercises, and warm baths.
• I surrounded myself with love. Not romance, but warmth — people who saw me, who didn’t rush me to “move on.” If you don’t have those people, find them. Online groups, therapy, even books that speak to you. You deserve love.

Wherever you are, keep going. You won’t feel like this forever — I promise.

FAQs

References

1. Krishnan, V., & Nestler, E. J. (2008). The molecular neurobiology of depression. Nature, 455(7215), 894–902.
https://doi.org/10.1038/nature07455

2. Vitti, A. (2013). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.

Marcus had it all figured out: the kids with their grandparents, a surprise dinner reservation, and an evening that would remind his wife how much she meant to him. But when he came home early to surprise her, what he found shattered everything. 

The shock hit like a freight train. His heart stopped as the cruel, undeniable truth unfolded before his eyes. The truth that might not have been so devastating, if only he wasn’t so gullible — if only he’d noticed the signs.

8 Signs Your Wife Is Cheating on You

When you’re deep in the comfort of routine, you may be missing more than the excitement of the early days. 

The Institute for Family Studies reports that 20% of men and 13% of women admitted to having sex with someone other than their spouse.^[1] 

The act of cheating is the final step in a series of choices and behaviors that build over time. Marcus didn’t think it would happen to him — until it did. 

After seeing his wife with another man on their couch, Marcus left in silence. He drove off and eventually parked in the middle of nowhere, reflecting on all the signs he had missed. “She was acting weird recently, though,” he thought. 

1. She’s Not Herself Anymore

The most common warning sign is the one that has a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Sue hadn’t been herself these past few weeks — or was it months? But she’d started a new job last quarter, and Marcus assumed her strange behavior was just stress from the transition. He blamed her mood swings on that diet she was on.

Changes in behavior, on their own, don’t necessarily indicate infidelity. We all go through phases. After all, life isn’t static — stress happens, family issues arise, and career demands shift. Nobody stays perfectly consistent. And that’s exactly why this sign is so easily missed.

Don’t jump to conclusions, but don’t ignore your intuition either, especially when these changes appear alongside other warning signs. 

2. Her Friends Suddenly Act Strange

The slight hesitation before Kelly, Sue’s best friend, answered Marcus’s question about their last Friday’s dinner was barely noticeable — but it was there.

Kelly’s entire demeanor changed when he mentioned the supposed dinner. The way she explained their night out with a weird level of detail, and the strange, almost apologetic glance she gave him before excusing herself to refill her drink. 

Looking back, Marcus recognized similar awkwardness from not just Kelly but several friends in their circle. 

Friends often become unwilling participants in the deception, caught between loyalty to their friend and their own moral compass. This uncomfortable middle ground creates subtle tells that are hard to miss. So, when her friends can’t look you in the eye, they might know something you don’t.

As troubling as these social warning signs were, they aligned perfectly with another red flag that had been bothering Marcus for weeks: His wife had become mysteriously unreachable.

3. She’s Unavailable

The calls she doesn’t answer might say more than the ones she does. 

There were nights she didn’t pick up when he called on his way home. Message check-ins or silly memes meant to make her laugh were met with silence. He didn’t question it. It made sense. Sue was busy impressing her new boss, helping the kids with the homework, or just needing some downtime. Marcus understood that.

When someone becomes unreachable, the question isn’t if she’s busy — it’s with what? Where is her attention going instead? Trouble begins the moment she becomes unavailable to you to be available somewhere — or to someone — else.

Funny, Marcus thought. She was so unavailable, taking hours to respond. But at the same time, she always seemed to have her phone in hand.

4. She’s Always on Her Phone

In hindsight, the constant tapping on her phone wasn’t what Marcus thought it was.

They had even fought about it. Marcus worried that she was overworking, buried in emails until late at night. But now, it all made sense. They weren’t work emails. Or maybe they were, but not about work.

When she’s constantly texting and you don’t know who it is, doubt creeps in. It deepens when she gets defensive or guards her phone. Alone, it might mean nothing, but paired with other strange behavior, it could be a sign that your wife is being unfaithful.

Looking back, Marcus couldn’t remember the last time she asked how his day was.

5. She’s Emotionally Checked Out

The distance between them was more than physical. 

Marcus thought she was just tired, worn down by life’s daily grind. But now, it was clear — she hadn’t been tired. She had been emotionally detached. He tried to remember the last time she had listened to his worries or shared hers, and aside from the usual complaints about the kids’ grades, nothing came to mind.

Emotional distance hides in the conversations that feel empty. You’re still talking — about errands, schedules, or what’s for dinner — but the connection is gone. The meaningful conversations quietly fade. That’s when something deeper starts to break — not because the words stop, but because the meaning does.

As Marcus rewound every empty exchange, he began to understand that the next sign on the list was only a natural consequence. 

6. She Avoids Intimacy

It wasn’t the lack of intimacy that hurt him.

Marcus remembered the nights when she’d curl up next to him, her head resting on his chest. But those moments had vanished, replaced by quick goodnight pecks and the cold expanse of space between them. Of course, he didn’t expect them to be all over each other like in the beginning, but nothing at all? Not for months? 

When intimacy disappears completely, it’s rarely about being tired or busy. It’s about where that connection is going instead. When a partner suddenly withdraws affection and avoids intimacy, it can be a sign that their emotional and physical needs are being met elsewhere. 

What hurt most was how he sacrificed his own needs, staying silent to avoid adding to her stress, while she had already found comfort in someone else’s arms. Only now he understood what those mysterious receipts he’d found really meant.

7. She Has Secret Expenses

The clues had been right in front of him, literally. The receipts. 

He once found a receipt from a steakhouse in her coat pocket. Wasn’t she a vegetarian? That could have been enough to set off alarms, but Marcus trusted his wife. “Work thing,” she had said. But then came the other signs: new clothes she never wore around him, rideshare receipts at strange hours. 

One strange expense becomes two, then three, and suddenly, it’s more than just indulgence — it’s secrecy. 

Unexplained spending often signals something more than carelessness. Hidden spending can signal a hidden life. The dinners, the gifts, the small luxuries — none of them had been for them.

In this context, the irony of their recent fight was suffocating now.

8. She Accuses You of Cheating

Eventually, he let out a broken laugh remembering how she had accused him of being unfaithful.

She had thrown the accusation at him like a dagger, sharp and unexpected. “Who are you always texting?” she had snapped one night. Marcus had stood there, stunned, trying to reassure her with tired explanations about work deadlines and family responsibilities. Again, he put it on work stress instead of knowing better. But now, it all made cruel, perfect sense.

Accusations like that don’t always come from suspicion — they come from guilt. Cheaters often project their own betrayal, turning the spotlight away from themselves. It’s a self-defense mechanism, a twisted way of shielding themselves from the weight of their own actions by making you carry the doubt instead.

Looking back, Marcus realized she wasn’t questioning his loyalty — she was ashamed of her own disloyalty. And now, what was left? How do you come back from this? Could he ever forgive her? Did he even want to? And the cruelest question of all — was she already halfway out the door?

Should You Forgive Your Cheating Wife?

Cheating doesn’t just break trust — it dismantles your reality. 

When the person who promised to love you till your dying days becomes the source of your greatest pain, it’s hard to even think about forgiveness. For Marcus — and anyone standing in his shoes — the question isn’t just “Can I forgive her?” but “Should I?” 

It’s a brutal reckoning. 

• Don’t bury it — feel it. This sucks, and pretending you’re fine won’t help. Let yourself be angry, hurt, or numb — it’s all valid. Do what you need to do to process the emotions, don’t bottle them up. My go-to is always journaling. 
• Figure out what you need. Space? Answers? Respect? Focus on what helps you get clarity — not what makes her comfortable.
• Get the facts. If you’re going to make a decision, you need the truth. When you are ready to talk, ask direct questions, and don’t settle for vague answers.
• Be honest about the relationship before this. Was the relationship solid, or were there cracks already showing? And here’s the real gut check: Are you truly disappointed in her, or were you looking around too and it’s just your pride you’re defending?
• Talk to someone who gets it. My recommendation is always to speak to a therapist. That’s how I’ve gotten out of my heartbreak. But if you’re not ready, talk to someone who gets it (preferably in person, not a Reddit thread). Getting it off your chest can help clear your head.
• Ask yourself: Do you even want this anymore? Not what’s easier. Not what looks good from the outside. What do you want?
• Watch her actions, not her words. Saying sorry is easy. Is she actually showing regret? Look for effort, not just apologies.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying. You can let go of the anger for your own peace — and still decide that walking away is the best choice.

In the end, Marcus faced the only questions that mattered: Could he live with what she did? Did he even want to try? And was she actually willing to fix what she broke?

There were no easy answers. Just one simple truth — he had to choose what was best for him. Whether that meant staying and rebuilding or walking away for good, it had to be his call.

These are the reads that may help you make your decisions: 

• How to Get Over Someone Cheating on You: A Step-by-Step Guide
• 9 Signs She’s Cheating & Why You Can’t Afford to Ignore Them
• 19 Effective Couples Therapy Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship
• 13 Signs Your Relationship Is Over: Key Warning Indicators
• How to Avoid Divorce and Save Your Marriage: A Deep Journey Back to Love and Connection

Our guides to being in a relationship can help you rebuild your marriage after betrayal.

FAQs

References

1. Wang, W. (2018, January 10). Who cheats more? The demographics of infidelity in America. Institute for Family Studies. https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america

2. Gamer, M., & Suchotzki, K. (2018). Lying and psychology. In J. Meibauer (Ed.), The Oxford handbook of lying. Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780198736578.013.34

Want to know something awesome? More and more people are ditching those old dating “rules” and choosing honest, direct communication instead. (Finally!)

This guide debunks all the confusing advice out there. 

• No more trying to read minds
• No more following weird social rules
• No more pretending to be someone you’re not

Instead, I’m sharing what actually works when dating as an ASD person in a neurotypical world. Real experiences. Clear tips that make sense for your brain.

Ready to learn what’s actually true about dating?

Dating: Myths & Truths

Do this. Do that. Be this. Be that. That’s just overwhelming. 

There’s so much advice out there, and in reality, a lot of it is just not helpful. Let’s bust the myths and reveal the truths. 

Embracing Authenticity in Dating

Myth: You have to act “normal” to date.
Truth: Being your authentic self helps you find real love.

You’ve felt that pressure to act “normal,” haven’t you? Having to laugh even if you don’t get why the joke is funny, force eye contact, and pretend to care about small talk?

Fitting in is exhausting. And it doesn’t work. What makes you different is what makes you lovable.

Lead with your authentic self:

• Be honest about who you are.
• Share your real interests.
• Express your true feelings. 

The right person won’t ask you to be less of who you are — they’ll appreciate all the things that make you uniquely you.

Building Self-Belief and Confidence

Myth: Confidence means never feeling nervous or awkward.
Truth: Real confidence means continuing despite feeling nervous. 

Dating makes almost everyone nervous — even the people who look completely comfortable. 

That fluttery feeling in your stomach? Those moments when you’re not sure what to say? They’re normal, and they don’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. 

Real confidence isn’t the absence of nerves — it’s moving forward anyway. It’s knowing that perfect social interactions don’t exist and that being a bit awkward sometimes is just part of being human. 

Lead with candor:

• Acknowledge being nervous.
• Know the limits of your comfort zone.
• Remember that everyone feels uncertain sometimes. 

The right person will appreciate your courage and find your moments of vulnerability endearing, not off-putting.

Mastering Clear Communication Strategies

Myth: You need to master subtle hints and body language to date.

Truth: Direct communication is your strength.

You’ve probably heard that dating is all about “reading between the lines” and picking up on subtle cues. That somehow you need to become an expert at understanding unspoken signals.

But being clear about what you mean and what you need isn’t a weakness — it’s a superpower in dating. When you say exactly what you think and feel, you attract the right people.

Lead with clear communication:

• Express exactly what you mean without apology.
• Ask direct questions when you’re unsure.
• Acknowledge your autism when it feels right. 

The right person will appreciate knowing exactly where they stand with you and will respond with similar clarity.

Balancing Conversation: Listening and Sharing

Myth: You should naturally know how to balance conversations. 

Truth: Balanced conversation is a skill everyone has to learn.

It’s easy to worry that sharing too much might overwhelm someone, especially if you’re passionate about a topic. Many autistic people experience this concern. 

But the truth is that balancing talking and listening is something everyone has to learn. It’s not exclusive to autistic people. Take me for example. When I get too excited about a topic, my boyfriend says, “Thanks for the TED Talk” to help me realize I’m monopolizing the conversation.

Your enthusiasm isn’t a problem — it’s an asset. The key is to create space for your date to respond. Try the simple “rule of three”: after sharing three points, ask a question to invite them into the conversation. 

Lead with balanced enthusiasm:

• Share your passions with genuine excitement.
• Create pauses for others to join in.
• Show interest when they share their thoughts. 

The right person will appreciate your enthusiasm and want to share the conversation equally with you.

Choosing Comfortable and Appropriate Settings

Myth: You need to adapt to neurotypical dating environments.
Truth: Finding settings that work for both of you creates better connections. 

Ever stayed quiet about feeling overwhelmed on a date? Trying to push through the noise, the crowds, the bright lights because you didn’t want to seem “difficult”? 

Most people (neurotypical or not) actually prefer places where they can hear each other and have real conversations. You’re not being demanding by suggesting a walk in the park instead of a noisy bar — you’re creating a better opportunity to connect. 

Lead with self-comfort:

• Propose quieter alternatives to typical date spots.
• Find activities you can both enjoy comfortably.
• Create space for meaningful conversation. 

The right person will appreciate dating somewhere you can both truly connect.

Understanding Consent and Respecting Boundaries

Myth: You should hide your sensory needs to seem “normal” on dates.
Truth: Communicating your sensory boundaries helps find compatible partners. 

Have you ever tolerated uncomfortable touch, overwhelming noise, or distressing scents because you were afraid of seeming “too sensitive”? Many autistic people mask their discomfort to appear more neurotypical on dates.

But hiding your sensory needs doesn’t lead to better connections — it leads to anxiety and exhaustion. When you clearly communicate what works for you and what doesn’t, you create the foundation for genuine intimacy where both people feel safe.

Whether it’s explaining you prefer side hugs to frontal hugs, that you need a warning before being touched, or that certain environments overwhelm you, these are just your preferences, and you’re entitled to them. 

Lead with boundaries:

• Express your sensory needs without apology.
• Ask directly about your date’s boundaries too.
• Suggest alternatives that work better for you.

The right person will respect your boundaries and work with you to find comfortable ways to connect.

Staying Flexible in Social Situations

Myth: Needing predictability makes you a boring date.
Truth: Thoughtful planning shows you care about creating a good experience. 

Ever worried that your preference for plans and structure makes you seem uptight or no fun? That spontaneous people are somehow more exciting and attractive?

The reality is that planning isn’t boring — it’s considerate. When you research restaurants that won’t be too noisy or check movie ratings before suggesting them — you’re creating the conditions for a truly enjoyable time.

At the same time, having some backup options ready can help when things don’t go as expected. Simple strategies like having a second location in mind or bringing items that help you self-regulate can make unexpected changes easier to navigate.

Lead with thoughtful flexibility:

• Prepare multiple options for your date.
• Communicate clearly if you need adjustment time.
• Bring comfort items that help you adapt to changes. 

The right person will appreciate your planning and see it as a sign that you value quality time together.

Respecting Differences in Relationships

Myth: You need to become interested in everything your partner likes.
Truth: Healthy relationships balance shared activities and individual interests. 

Many autistic people worry that they need to adopt all their partner’s interests or pretend to enjoy activities they don’t. There’s pressure to mask your true reactions to please a partner or appear more compatible.

But strong relationships aren’t built on pretending. They thrive when both people maintain their individuality while finding meaningful ways to connect. You don’t need to love everything your partner loves — you just need to respect what matters to them, as they should respect what matters to you.

Lead with acceptance:

• Honor your own interests without apology.
• Show respect for your partner’s passions.
• Create space for both shared and separate activities. 

The right person won’t expect you to change your interests — they’ll celebrate the unique perspective you bring to the relationship.

Cultivating Persistence and Resilience in Dating

Myth: As an autistic person, you’ll face too many rejections to make dating worthwhile.
Truth: Each dating experience teaches you something valuable, regardless of the outcome. 

Many autistic people feel discouraged after difficult dating experiences. It’s easy to think that dating is just too hard, that the odds are stacked against you, or that rejection means you’re doing something wrong.

But dating is a learning process for everyone — autistic or not. Each interaction teaches you something about yourself, about others, and about what you’re looking for in a relationship. Even first dates that lead nowhere provide valuable information about your preferences and needs.

Resilience in dating isn’t about never feeling disappointed. It’s about not letting those disappointments define your worth or determine your future.

Lead with resilience:

• View each date as a learning opportunity.
• Reflect on what worked and what didn’t.
• Adjust your approach without changing who you are. 

The right person will show up, and in the meantime, enjoy yourself!

Explaining Autism to Dating Partners

Dating someone new means deciding when and how to share that you’re autistic. While there’s no single right way to have this conversation, here are some approaches that might help:

When to share

• Up front in dating profiles.
• On the first or second date. 
• When specific needs arise.

Whatever you choose, the right timing is whenever it feels comfortable for you.

How to explain

• Avoid clinical definitions.
• Focus on your specific experience, like, “I’m autistic, which for me means…”
  • “I’m very direct and literal in how I communicate.”
  • “I can get overwhelmed in certain environments.”
  • “I might need extra time to process information.”
• Highlight the positive aspects of how your brain works.
• Be clear about what helps you thrive:
  • “I do better in quieter restaurants.”
  • “I appreciate direct communication.”
  • “I might need breaks during social events.”
  • “I may not make eye contact, but I’m still listening.”

Remember that educating a potential partner isn’t your obligation, but sharing your needs can lead to better understanding and connection. The right person will be curious, respectful, and willing to learn about your experience.

Your Next Steps

There are so many myths about dating, everyone is getting lost in them. Who invented all those rules anyway?

Before your next date, do some journaling and focus on these topics:

• What feels safe and comfortable for you when meeting new people (not only dates)?
• What kind of connection are you looking for — friendship, romance, or just understanding someone new?
• What boundaries help you feel secure and respected?

There are no “right” ways to date — just the way that works best for you.

Check out our ultimate guides to being in a relationship for more tips on finding love and making it last.

You might also enjoy reading:

• 18 Signs of Mutual Attraction Between Two People and How to Spot Them
• The Socially Awkward Gal’s Guide to Surviving Dating Life
• Dating vs. Relationship: How to Tell the Difference
• Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
• 13 Green Flags in a Relationship
• Do I Like Him or the Attention?
• Does He Like Me? 12 Subtle Signs He’s Totally Into You

FAQs

Becky is 39. Becky is smart, funny, and the type of woman who remembers your birthday without Facebook reminders. Becky has been married for twelve years. Becky loves her husband. Becky hasn’t had an orgasm in five years.

Rethinking the “Sexless” Marriage

A marriage is typically considered “sexless” if sex occurs fewer than 10 times per year.^[1] 

Did you just start mentally tallying how many times you’ve had intercourse this year?

For at least two thousand years, the narrative of sex has been so androcentric that we’ve been trained to equate sex with penetration. But that’s not how intimacy works (at least not for half of the population).

Most studies define a sexless marriage as one lacking any kind of sexual activity that involves mutual sexual pleasure, not just penetrative sex.^[2] This means oral sex, manual stimulation, and other forms of sexual intimacy (as long as both of you view it as part of your sexual connection).

The key factor isn’t just what kind of sex, but rather whether physical intimacy exists in a way that feels fulfilling and present in the marriage.

And Becky? She wrote off intimacy as a thing of the past. That is, until her husband started talking divorce.

Why Marriages Become Sexless

Becky used to love the way her husband, Tom, touched her.

There was a time when his hands lingered at her waist, when she could feel his desire in the way he pulled her close, the way he gently kissed her neck, sending a shiver down her spine.

That was before life happened. Before the kids, the schedules, the exhaustion. Before she started seeing herself as a woman responsible for everything — except her own pleasure.

Women stop seeing themselves as sexual beings

Saying a drop in libido causes sexlessness is only part of the story.

Becky didn’t plan to stop wanting sex. After the honeymoon phase faded, she realized something terrifying: She had no idea how to ask for what she wanted. Hell, she wasn’t even sure what she wanted. Those first years of passion ran on instinct and newness. But now?

How do you tell your loving husband you want him to pull your hair? How do you admit you fantasize about reenacting some Fifty Shades of Grey themes when there’s a PTA meeting tonight? How does a respectable mother of two confess she wants to be devoured?

So, Becky stopped thinking about her own pleasure. There were always more important things to do anyway. But the more she ignored her own sexuality, the harder it became to access it.

But sexuality doesn’t come with an expiration date — no matter what society might have us believe. It’s always within reach, waiting for you to reconnect. Here are a few practices from my own playbook that help me tap into that sexy, sensual energy:

• Treat yourself as the Most Important Guest. Clean your space as if you were a VIP. Cook your favorite meal. Open the bottle of wine you’ve been saving for “special occasions.” Put on the dress you only wear to “go out.” Then, just enjoy your own company. Afterward, journal about how it all made you feel.
• Pleasure yourself (no, not in the way you think, though that can help too). Run a bath with rose petals, just like in the movies. Buy yourself a silk robe in an impractical color, just because it makes you feel divine. Stroke your own skin, run lotion over your arms and legs and savor the sensation. Touch yourself in a way you’d touch someone you love.
• Move your hips. Dance, sway, seductively roll your hips (doesn’t matter that you cannot do it like Tyla in “Water,” dance anyway). Your hips are the center of your creative and sensual power, move them. I love swaying to “Obsesion” by Aventura. 

Becky’s problem wasn’t that she didn’t want sex. It was that she didn’t know how to want it anymore. And Tom? He didn’t know how to help her find her way back.

Men think desire is a switch that flips

There’s a not-so-secretive secret to a woman’s desire that most men refuse to learn.

Becky knew Tom wanted her. That was never the problem. He reached for her, kissed her neck, slid his hand across her waist, but instead of feeling desired, she felt . . . nothing. Worse than nothing — pressure, guilt: “Why don’t I want him back?” “What’s wrong with me?”

There’s nothing wrong with Becky. It’s just that, especially later in life, many women need context for desire to spark. They don’t get excited, just like that. They need something to get excited by.

There are two main types of desire:

• Spontaneous desire: This is the kind of desire that pops up out of nowhere — an urge that hits without warning, like flipping on a switch. It’s the version of arousal we see in movies and TV, where passion strikes suddenly and effortlessly.
• Responsive desire: This kind of desire isn’t the lightning bolt, but more like the ember that needs a little tending to catch fire. It awakens after something stirs it to life — a lingering touch, a sexy text, or a conversation that makes you feel truly seen and understood.^[4]

That’s why books like Fifty Shades of Grey and A Court of Thorns and Roses captivate so many women — they offer anticipation, flirtation, and a space for attraction to slowly ignite.

Desire is also influenced by what turns you on and what shuts you down:

• Accelerators are the things that spark arousal: a playful text, deep conversation, or a man using power tools — whatever floats your boat. These moments create space for desire to grow naturally.
• Brakes, on the other hand, are the desire-killers. Stress, emotional disconnection, those saggy sweatpants he wears, or even the pressure of expected intimacy can slam the brakes hard. 

Attraction often isn’t something that just happens, but something we ignite. A truth buried under centuries of misguided rules.

Society conditions us to have a broken relationship with sex

Sex twice a week. Fifteen minutes per session. Two orgasms each. Is it just me, or does our approach to sex resemble a performance review?

Perhaps Becky and Tom could have spared themselves years of frustration had they realized their issue wasn’t truly about sex. It was about the misleading narratives they’d absorbed regarding what sex should be.

We all grew up with conflicting, unrealistic, and androcentric ideas about sexuality and desire:

• Sex is for men. Women’s pleasure is often treated as secondary or optional. Until recently, many definitions of orgasm even included ejaculation as a requirement. Interesting, isn’t it?
• Desire should be effortless. If you have to “work” at wanting sex, something must be wrong with you. Again, a fundamental misunderstanding of spontaneous vs. responsive desire.
• Good women don’t crave sex. Passion is framed as inappropriate for respectable women, especially mothers. Think that’s outdated? Watch The Idea of You and see how the main character is shamed for daring to want a sex life as a mother.
• Sex equals penetration. Intimacy is reduced to one act, ignoring the full spectrum of pleasure.

For women, the problem is twofold: We are told that desirability is our worth, but that wanting sex too much makes us “less respectable.”

So, women internalize the idea that sex is for men. They never learn about their own pleasure — and even if they wanted to, where? From whom? 

Eventually, they stop wanting it at all. 

As an exercise, write down your limiting beliefs about sex. What have you been taught about sexuality that’s holding you back? What fears or judgments are keeping you from embracing your full pleasure? Get them out of your head and onto paper.

And just like that, sex fades, Tom feels rejected, Becky feels broken, and neither of them understands the real issue. But they’re both paying the price.

How Does a Sexless Marriage Affect Spouses

The loss of intimacy was changing who they were — not just as a couple, but as people.

Becky stopped wearing the red lipstick she loved. Tom’s easy laugh became rare. They were becoming smaller versions of themselves. “I love you, Bex, but I don’t want to live a sexless life for the rest of my days.” Tom’s words hung in the air, heavy with love and frustration.

They were beginning to understand intimacy wasn’t a luxury, it was the foundation. And now, they were facing the painful cost of a marriage without it.

• Loneliness sets in. Without emotional connection, conversations shrink to surface-level updates — schedules, chores, plans. Partners talk, but they no longer connect.
• Confidence plummets. Disconnection from one’s own sexuality leads to self-doubt. Becky hates her body and stops wearing what makes her feel good. Tom withdraws and feels less sure of himself. They both feel invisible.
• Stress finds no release. Physical intimacy releases oxytocin and reduces cortisol, helping partners feel bonded and at ease. Without it, stress lingers, tensions rise, and emotional exhaustion sets in.
• Avoidance becomes normal. One partner hesitates to initiate, fearing another rejection. The other dreads intimacy, feeling pressured rather than desired. Both wonder if the problem is them, and the distance grows.
• Eyes and hearts can wander. It’s not just about physical needs — people seek validation, attention, and connection. When those things are missing at home, the temptation to find them elsewhere grows.

Becky and Tom were watching their marriage unravel in slow motion. But they still had one thing left: the choice to fight for what they once had.

The Way Out of a Sexless Marriage

Most couples trying to fix their sex life are solving the wrong problem.

The lingerie Tom got her lay unused at the bottom of the drawer. She felt stupid in it. Scheduled date nights turned into exercises in disappointment. Every “solution” they tried felt more awkward than arousing.

But Becky and Tom discovered that you can rebuild desire from the ground up. It starts with something far more vulnerable than silk and lace: honesty. You might find yourselves making some awkward confessions:

• I fake my orgasms because I don’t know how to tell you what actually feels good.
• I’m scared that if I tell you my fantasies, you’ll think I’m perverted.
• Sometimes I avoid your touch because I know I can’t give you what you want.
• I feel like a failure every time you turn away from me.

Both partners are carrying their own shame, their own fears, and their own unexpressed needs. So, how do you start talking when the words get stuck in your throat?

• Make it funny. Put on a dinosaur onesie and talk about sex. Seriously. It’s hard to feel awkward when you’re dressed as a T. rex. Or wear party hats, or those ridiculous glasses with the mustache. Sex isn’t supposed to be serious. It’s play, so be playful.
• Write it down. Sometimes the words flow better on paper. Write letters to each other about your desires and fantasies. Take your time. Be honest. You might find that writing it down is actually arousing.
• Talk it through. A sex therapist helps you understand your desires, work through shame, and undo cultural conditioning around sex. If talking about sex feels awkward, why not try it with someone whose job is to make it easier? 
• Guide his hands. Teach your husband how you want to be touched. Your pleasure shouldn’t be a guessing game. Don’t assume he just knows. He doesn’t. If something isn’t working for you, say it. If something feels amazing, let him know.
• Apply the 6-second rule. Kiss or hug for a minimum of six seconds. I know it sounds silly, but it isn’t. It is a very important part of rebuilding intimacy. Physical affection releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone that deepens emotional connection.
• Redefine sex. Forget everything porn taught you about intimacy. Take a tantric workshop or a sensuality class. Learn about slow touch and sensual massage (YouTube is full of such videos). Discover what pleasure means beyond the rush to orgasm. 

For Becky and Tom, it wasn’t one solution but all of them. It took time. It wasn’t always easy. But they found their way back to each other. Which is not always the case.

Can Love Survive Without Sex?

You can have lots of sex and still feel emotionally disconnected. You can have deep emotional intimacy but rarely have sex. But when both are missing? That’s when alarms should ring.

Of course, dry spells happen. Sex isn’t always the top priority. 

What matters is emotional intimacy: the shared morning coffee, the way you still lean on each other when life gets hard. For some couples, this deep emotional connection is enough to sustain a fulfilling relationship without sex.

But both partners need to be truly okay with this arrangement. 

If one person feels constantly unfulfilled or resentful, that’s a deal-breaker. Some couples find peace in redefining their marriage without sex (at the end of the day, friendship is the real basis of any marriage). Others discover this gap reveals deeper incompatibility.

The only “right” way to be married is the way that works for both partners.

But what if it’s not working? What if the distance feels less like a temporary path and more like the final destination?

Stay or Leave?

Leaving might give you a fresh start, but it won’t solve deeper issues, especially if those issues are tied to your own relationship with sex, intimacy, and self-worth. If you’re struggling with feelings of rejection, inadequacy, or shame, a new partner won’t heal that wound.

Don’t underestimate the value of what you’ve already built. A long-term marriage isn’t disposable. It’s layered with shared history, mutual support, and deep connection — things that don’t magically appear in a new relationship and are easily taken for granted.

But if you’ve tried everything — talking, counseling, rediscovering each other’s bodies — and yet, the bedroom remains cold. Maybe you’ve passed the point of no return, or perhaps you need to give it more time. 

When is it time to walk away?

• The lack of sex is just the surface of something deeper. A sexless marriage can be the symptom of deeper marital issues, such as unresolved resentment, financial stress, or even emotional neglect. If intimacy is gone and the emotional foundation is crumbling too, the issue runs deeper than what happens (or doesn’t) in the bedroom.
• Your partner isn’t willing to meet you halfway. A marriage can survive a lot, but not a one-sided effort. If your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem or work toward a solution, that unwillingness speaks louder than any words.
• Your mismatched desires are making you miserable. Sexual rejection seriously impacts self-worth. If every attempt at intimacy leaves you feeling rejected, inadequate, or unwanted it might be time to ask if this relationship is still meeting your most basic needs.
• There’s been infidelity, and the trust is gone. Cheating changes everything. If your partner’s affair has made rebuilding trust — and physical connection — feel impossible, it might be a sign that the damage runs too deep. Without mutual trust, true intimacy can’t grow back.
• Sex has become a tool for control. When either partner uses sex as leverage — to manipulate, punish, or maintain control — it’s emotional abuse. In a healthy relationship, sex is a source of joy, not a bargaining chip.
• You want intimacy — but not with your partner. Attraction can fade, but when the idea of being intimate with your spouse feels uncomfortable or even repellent, it’s more than just a rough patch.
• Even therapy couldn’t close the gap. You went to therapy. You had the hard conversations. You both tried — really tried. But despite your best efforts, nothing changed. 

For more guidance on walking away from a sexless marriage, see our anthology of advice on ending a relationship. 

Additional reads: 

• Journaling for Healing: Rediscovering and Empowering Your Inner Self
• How to Make Yourself More Attractive and Build Your Confidence
• Unsure If Your Husband Still Loves You? Here’s How to Know
• Feeling Alone in a Relationship? You’re Not Alone
• Think You’re Falling Out of Love? Learn to Recognize the Signs
• How to Turn a Man On: The Ultimate Guide for the Blissfully Clueless
• 80+ of the Best Dirty Pick-up Lines to Spice Things Up (NSFW)

FAQs

References

1. Weiner Davis, M. (2003). The sex-starved marriage: A couple’s guide to boosting their marriage libido. Simon & Schuster.

2. McCarthy, B. (2003). Marital sex as it ought to be. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 14(2), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1300/J085v14n02_01

3. Uloko, M., Isabey, E. P., & Peters, B. R. (2023). How many nerve fibers innervate the human glans clitoris: A histomorphometric evaluation of the dorsal nerve of the clitoris. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 20(3), 247–252. https://doi.org/10.1093/jsxmed/qdac027

4. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster.

5. Thomashauer, R. (2016). Pussy: A reclamation. Hay House.

6. Bedbible Research Center. (2024, April 25). How many marriages are sexless [Statistics]. Bedbible. https://bedbible.com/sexless-marriage-statistics/

7. Bedbible Research Center. (2024, April 25). How many marriages are sexless [Statistics]. Bedbible. https://bedbible.com/sexless-marriage-statistics/

8. Lindau, S. T., Schumm, L. P., Laumann, E. O., Levinson, W., O’Muircheartaigh, C. A., & Waite, L. J. (2007). A study of sexuality and health among older adults in the United States. The New England Journal of Medicine, 357(8), 762–774.
https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMoa067423

9. Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national U.S. study. Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186–201. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2015.1137854

10. Sutherland, S. E., Rehman, U. S., Fallis, E. E., & Goodnight, J. A. (2015). Understanding the phenomenon of sexual desire discrepancy in couples. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 24(2). https://doi.org/10.3138/cjhs.242.A3

11. Rosen R. C. (2000). Prevalence and risk factors of sexual dysfunction in men and women. Current Psychiatry Reports, 2(3), 189–195.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-996-0006-2

When Greg told me he was going to propose to Erika, I was over the moon with excitement. So, naturally, my first question was: “How are you going to propose?” His answer? A blank stare, followed by: “Uh . . . over dinner?”

Noooo!!! 

Listen, I know Erika. She’d say “yes” no matter what, but I also know that every woman wants a moment — something she can gush about to her friends. And Greg? Great guy. Reliable. But the man has zero rizz. 

So, here’s how Greg avoided a face-palm proposal and pulled off something legendary.

Perfect Proposal: The Planning Phase

Did Danny Ocean rob three Las Vegas casinos in one night without a plan? No.

A proposal isn’t much different — it’s a high-stakes heist for which you need strategy, precision, and airtight execution to walk away with the ultimate prize: a fiancée. 

So, we got to work. First stop, jewelry shop.

Choosing an engagement ring

Greg was ready to walk into a jewelry store, point at “the sparkly one,” and call it a day.

No. No. No.

The ring isn’t just jewelry. It’s proof that you pay attention. And Greg was about to blow it, because one look at Erika — lead singer of a heavy metal band, all black everything — and you’d know she wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a generic princess-cut solitaire (just Google it).

We needed to figure out what she was actually into.

• Step One: Decode her style. Classic? Vintage? Modern? Was she even into jewelry at all? (I have a friend who gave her fiancée a surfboard instead of a ring). Thankfully, Erika was into jewelry — we found out when Greg stumbled upon her Pinterest board full of . . . you guessed it, engagement rings.
• Step Two: Gather intel. Greg had zero clue about Erika’s ring size, so we had her sister do some undercover recon on her rings at home. 

At the store, the shop assistant hit us with a pro tip: take a slightly bigger ring — it’s easier to resize down than up. Because even if she wears rings already, she probably doesn’t wear them on her ring finger, duh.

• Step Three: Secure the asset. Greg finally nailed it: a black diamond marquise — simple, bold, and engraved inside with a quote from Lord of the Rings that only the two of them understand (I didn’t ask).

Mission accomplished. Well, partially. Now, Greg needed to assemble his team. He already had his second-in-command (moi), but an operation like this required more players.

Involving family and friends (or not?)

It started with the ring hidden in Greg’s sock drawer and ended with a 15-person group chat, three fake dinner reservations, and one very confused florist. 

At first, Greg didn’t think backup was necessary. “Why would I involve anyone else? Isn’t this just between me and Erika?” Fair question. 

Not everyone is close with their family, and not everyone feels comfortable showing intense emotions in front of a crowd. You know your partner best — do what makes sense for you two.

But for someone like Erika — one of four Martinez sisters, whose family gatherings feel like music festivals — involving her people was not only necessary, it was inevitable. 

And if you’re thinking all of this sounds like overkill? Let me remind you: this is a guide for romantic men looking to make it special. If putting in this much effort feels like too much — well, wrong address.

In any case, whether you’re proposing at sunset on a quiet beach or in front of her entire family, you’ll likely need someone on the inside to help with logistics, keep her distracted, and cover for you without raising any red flags.

Gerg had Clara, Erika’s sister — the MVP of undercover ops. She kept Erika clueless, made sure her nails were proposal-ready (yes, it matters), and coordinated the post-proposal surprise gathering.

Just like any high-stakes operation, timing and location can make or break your mission. 

Planning the proposal: the mastermind phase

Greg’s proposal plan fell flat two weeks before D-day.

His idea was simple and sweet: propose in the parking lot where he and Erika first met — sentimental, meaningful, and so them. But then, disaster struck. That parking lot got bulldozed into a pile of rubble and caution tape two weeks before. Oops. 

We needed a Plan B, and fast.

• Step One: Pick the perfect scene. The location sets the tone. You want a spot that’s meaningful to both of you — whether it’s where you first met, a favorite vacation spot, or simply somewhere that feels like you two. If that’s not possible? Get creative. 
• Step Two: Set the scene. The little details matter more than you think. Set the mood with personal touches that speak to your relationship: music, candles, photos? If possible, have someone capture the moment — a photographer or a friend with a steady hand.
• Step Three: Time it right. Timing can make or break the moment. Don’t rush it. Wait for a natural pause — after dinner, during a scenic walk, or while watching the sunset. When the time feels right, that’s your cue.

The way we executed it? 

Greg’s original dinner idea made a comeback — with a serious upgrade. We found a rooftop restaurant overlooking the demolished parking lot, disguised as Uncle Chris’s birthday dinner to keep Erika unsuspecting. 

Their favorite songs played softly, string lights set the mood, and a hidden photographer was ready to capture every moment. Instead of rushing it, he waited until after dinner when everyone stepped onto the terrace to watch the sunset. 

Greg and Erika stood together. “Remember when we met right there?“ he said, pointing to the empty lot — then dropped to one knee.

It was magical, everyone cried, but no one more than Greg. Part joy, part relief. Because the most overlooked part of proposal planning? Preparing yourself.

Preparing for the Big Moment

Anyone planning to ”smooth operator” the whole proposal mission is seriously overestimating their powers.

Just ask Greg. No amount of practice could stop the nerves from hijacking his speech at the worst possible moment. 

Here’s how to keep your cool, stay confident, and handle whatever curveballs the moment throws at you:

• Managing pre-mission jitters. Your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, what’s that on your sweater? Mom’s spaghetti? Yeah, even Eminem gets stage fright. So, skip trying to be cooler than cool. Breathe. Try Wim Hof or Box Breathing. Remember: You’re doing your best. Slip-ups happen, but it’s the effort that matters.
• Nailing your lines. Skip the Shakespeare (unless she’s into that) — she fell for you, not Romeo. Keep it real, keep it personal, and for the love of all things holy, don’t try to memorize a script. Three key points: your story, why her, and the question. That’s your mission brief.
• Mental prep is mission prep. Visualize it all: the walk-up, the smile, the knee drop. Pro tip — imagine a few things going wrong too. Because when they do (and they will), you’ll be ready to roll with it like the proposal ninja you are.
• Expect the unexpected. Rain? Bring an umbrella. Ring fumble? Practice the box flip. Random flash mob? Roll it into your story. The smoothest operators know that sometimes the “mistakes” make the moment even better.

So you’ve got your nerves in check (sort of) and your lines down (mostly). Now let’s see how to make it really unforgettable. This is a once-in-a-lifetime memory — you’ll want to relive it, and so will she.

Making the Moment Last

The mission’s not over once she says yes. 

Actually, that’s when the real magic starts. Like any good movie, you need that perfect ending scene — and the footage to prove it wasn’t all a dream. 

• Evidence collection. Some partners love capturing every second — if that sounds like her, hire a discreet photographer or enlist a friend to catch those candid reactions. If she’s more private, skip the camera and focus on being fully present in the moment.
• The victory lap. Celebration style matters too. Maybe she’d love a big gathering with family and friends, or maybe her dream celebration is something quieter — a cozy night in, a spa weekend, or a weekend hiking trip. The key? Make the post-yes moment reflect her personality and your relationship.

For Erika, capturing the moment was a must. Her sisters — basically Instagram models — snapped every angle, while a discreet photographer caught the overall vibe. The celebration was loud and joyful: cheers erupted, champagne flowed, friends arrived for a surprise after-party. It was chaotic, heartfelt, and perfectly them.

The moment didn’t just end with a yes — it turned into a memory they’ll never forget.

Now that you’ve got the blueprint for pulling off the perfect proposal, it’s time for some inspiration.

What’s Her Perfect Proposal?

Every unforgettable proposal starts with understanding what will make her light up.

Is she a hopeless romantic or an adrenaline junkie? Whatever her jam, you need a proposal idea based on her style.

Proposal ideas for the adventurer:

• Camping under the stars Camping under the stars
• Garden maze with the ring at the center Garden maze with the ring at the center
• Mountain summit Mountain summit
• Scuba diving surprise Scuba diving surprise
• Hot-air balloon Hot-air balloon
• Helicopter tour over the city Helicopter tour over the city
• Skydiving mid-air Skydiving mid-air
• Surfside on the beach after catching waves Surfside on the beach after catching waves
• Ziplining, just before the drop Ziplining, just before the drop
• Road trip scenic lookout Road trip scenic lookout

Proposal ideas for the family oriented

• Family gathering with everyone involved Family gathering with everyone involved
• Holiday celebration surrounded by loved ones Holiday celebration surrounded by loved ones
• Family recipe cooking class Family recipe cooking class
• Multi-generational photo shoot Multi-generational photo shoot
• Family vacation surprise Family vacation surprise
• Sunday dinner with both families present Sunday dinner with both families present
• Game night during her favorite board game Game night during her favorite board game
• Family talent show Family talent show
• Backyard barbecue with close family Backyard barbecue with close family
• Sibling-coordinated scavenger hunt Sibling-coordinated scavenger hunt

Proposal ideas for the luxury enthusiast

• Private yacht sunset cruise Private yacht sunset cruise
• Luxurious ski resort Luxurious ski resort
• Relaxing spa day ending with the big question Relaxing spa day ending with the big question
• Wine tasting tour at a scenic vineyard Wine tasting tour at a scenic vineyard
• Designer shopping day with a surprise Designer shopping day with a surprise
• Beachfront weekend getaway Beachfront weekend getaway
• Scenic train ride in a luxury cabin Scenic train ride in a luxury cabin
• Rooftop dinner with city views Rooftop dinner with city views
• High tea at a chic hotel High tea at a chic hotel
• Private movie screening in a boutique cinema Private movie screening in a boutique cinema

Proposal ideas for the creative soul

• Art gallery with custom artwork Art gallery with custom artwork
• Scavenger hunt through meaningful locations Scavenger hunt through meaningful locations
• Time capsule opening Time capsule opening
• Flash mob dance Flash mob dance
• Custom puzzle with a hidden proposal message Custom puzzle with a hidden proposal message
• Photo album review with the final page revealing the question Photo album review with the final page revealing the question
• Personalized comic book of your love story Personalized comic book of your love story
• Songwriting proposal performed live Songwriting proposal performed live
• Mural reveal with a hidden proposal message Mural reveal with a hidden proposal message
• DIY video game proposal DIY video game proposal

Proposal ideas for the nostalgic romantic

• First date location recreation First date location recreation
• Memory lane drive visiting significant spots Memory lane drive visiting significant spots
• Childhood dream recreation Childhood dream recreation
• Anniversary celebration Anniversary celebration
• Home video watching with a surprise proposal ending Home video watching with a surprise proposal ending
• Letter reading sequence Letter reading sequence
• Scrapbook journey ending with the question Scrapbook journey ending with the question
• Old-school mixtape with a custom track Old-school mixtape with a custom track
• Memory jar proposal filled with shared moments Memory jar proposal filled with shared moments
• Vintage photo booth proposal capturing the yes moment Vintage photo booth proposal capturing the yes moment

TL;DR: The Mission Critical Checklist

DO:

• Think beyond the moment: plan for photos, celebration, and the story you'll tell later Think beyond the moment: plan for photos, celebration, and the story you'll tell later
• Involve her inner circle (they're your best intel and backup) Involve her inner circle (they're your best intel and backup)
• Scout your location and have backup plans for everything Scout your location and have backup plans for everything
• Keep your proposal speech simple: your story, why her, the question Keep your proposal speech simple: your story, why her, the question
• Practice the ring box flip (seriously, it's trickier than it looks) Practice the ring box flip (seriously, it's trickier than it looks)

DON’T:

• Wing it with a generic dinner proposal Wing it with a generic dinner proposal
• Try to memorize a Shakespeare-worthy speech Try to memorize a Shakespeare-worthy speech
• Keep everything totally secret — you need allies Keep everything totally secret — you need allies
• Forget to plan what happens after she says yes Forget to plan what happens after she says yes
• Attempt to be smoother than you actually are — authenticity wins Attempt to be smoother than you actually are — authenticity wins

Remember: The perfect proposal is about creating a moment that feels authentic. Now go get that yes, agent.For more tips on keeping things fresh and authentic, see our guides to being in a relationship.

FAQs

References

1. Gemological Institute of America. (2015, July 27). The history of the engagement ring.
https://www.gia.edu

This Simple Program Might Be the Reset Button You’re Looking For

You never thought you’d be here — googling marital advice, wondering how the love that once felt so natural now feels so fragile. Scanning through endless tips, feeling overwhelmed and stuck while your partner seems to have given up.

You need something actionable, practical, and psychology-based — a system that actually works, even when you’re the only one trying. Something that puts the power back in your hands. 

You’re in luck! That’s exactly what Mend the Marriage is designed to do.

Jump to Mend the Marriage’s key features

Is Mend the Marriage Right for Me?

You’re looking for real solutions, but are you willing to look inside and recognize that you might have unknowingly been making one — or all — of what Brad calls the “Three Marriage Murdering Mistakes?”

Mistake #1: Trying to talk your way back into love

Talking doesn’t fix a marriage. If logic and reasoning worked, wouldn’t your spouse already be convinced? Instead, repeated conversations often make things worse — reinforcing the belief that the relationship is broken.

Mistake #2: Thinking you need your spouse to participate

Are you waiting for your partner to “come around” or finally agree to go to therapy? Waiting for your spouse to engage is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. The longer you wait, the more emotionally distant they become.

Mistake #3: Constantly bringing up what’s wrong

The more you remind your spouse of your marital issues, the more they associate you with negativity. Instead of making them want to fix things, it pushes them further away.

Have you been making all three of these mistakes? Don’t worry. These patterns are what most of us have been taught, and there’s no need for self-blame. What matters is that you’re here, ready to take action.

Take a moment to reflect — how much do these statements resonate with you?

• I am spending more time analyzing my marriage than actually enjoying it.
• I feel helpless. My partner seems checked out, skeptical, or unwilling to work on things.
• I tried therapy or traditional advice, only to walk away $2000 poorer, with vague ideas like “communicate better.” 
• I am exhausted from feeling like the only one fighting for this marriage.

If you answered a resounding yes to any of these, then Mend the Marriage was created for you.

What Is Mend the Marriage?

Mend the Marriage isn’t about sitting in endless discussions that go nowhere. It’s about action.

Created by relationship coach Brad Browning, this program is built on practical, psychology-backed strategies to help you shift the dynamic — even if your partner isn’t on board yet. Through video lessons, worksheets, and an in-depth e-book, it gives you the tools to

• turn cold silence into real conversations
• replace forced politeness with natural affection
• bring back the version of your marriage that felt effortless

At its core, this program teaches that actions speak louder than words. 

It goes beyond just talking about problems, offering a clear, step-by-step roadmap to shift relationship dynamics through tactics like the Immediate Impact Actions, Dispute Defusing System, and Big 6 Bond Builders. 

Who Is Brad Browning?

Brad Browning is co-founder of LoveLearnings Media Inc. He’s coached thousands of couples, runs a YouTube channel with over half a million subscribers and 50 million views, and specializes in helping couples prevent, and even reverse, divorce.

Check out this free How to Save Your Marriage video from Brad

Brad is a leading relationship expert and the author of three best-selling online programs: The Ex Factor, Mend the Marriage, and Beat the Breakup. He also offers exclusive personal coaching, guiding clients through breakup recovery and marriage rescue.

This “divorce geek” — as he calls himself — sees marriage as something that requires ongoing maintenance — just like a car. That’s why he created a system that helps couples keep their relationships strong before they break down. 

“I’ve personally seen it transform the most distant married couples into devoted, loving soulmates again. And I’ll show you how they did it,” Brad promises.

Key Features of Mend the Marriage

Mend the Marriage isn’t just about fixing what’s broken — it’s about rewiring your spouse’s perception of you and creating a relationship that feels fresh and exciting again. 

At the heart of Browning’s marriage maintenance approach lie three simple steps:

1. Use Immediate Impact Actions to shift your spouse’s perception instantly

Immediate Impact Actions are “easy wins” for your relationship that will give you the confidence to make more sweeping changes as time goes on. These could be as simple as writing down important dates (for the forgetful ones) or surprising your spouse with something nice. Basically, things you can do right now. 

2. Tap into emotion, not logic

Stop explaining — start evoking emotion: Your spouse won’t stay because of a logical argument, but they will if they feel emotionally connected to you. 

Instead of, “We need to work this out,” say, “You know, when I see you smile like that, it reminds me why I fell for you.”

3. Use The Big 6 Bond Builders to divorce-proof your marriage

The Big 6 Bond Builders are psychological triggers that make love feel effortless again. They are simple but extremely powerful actions that will make your partner forget about all the doubts and uncertainties and inspire them to feel closer and more intimate with you than ever.

Simply following these three steps is going to be a game changer for your marriage, but Brad has so much more for you:

• Getting Started video: a step-by-step introduction to begin righting the wrongs and ensure you avoid committing any of the three “marriage murdering” mistakes
• The “Forever Phrase”: a powerful psychological trigger that taps into your spouse’s positive memory bank, replacing resentment with nostalgia and rekindling love
• Getting your spouse to “Buy In”: techniques to shift their mindset so that saving the marriage feels like their idea, leading to genuine commitment
• Reading your spouse’s mind: understanding their needs and desires without words, strengthening emotional connection effortlessly
• The Dispute Defusing System: a conflict resolution method that stops arguments instantly, making your spouse feel heard without you giving in
• The “Sexual Drug” technique: reverse psychology-based tactics to reignite passion and intimacy, even if the attraction has faded
• The Forgiveness Technique: a structured approach to rebuilding trust and resolving jealousy or past betrayals in just a few days
• Protecting Children from Conflict: strategies to shield your kids from emotional harm during marriage struggles
• The Connection Account: a simple yet powerful way to divorce-proof your marriage by continuously building emotional closeness with zero extra effort

The program delivers this system through a comprehensive package:

• a detailed video course where Browning breaks down each concept into digestible, actionable pieces
• an extensive e-book that serves as your reference guide (because who remembers everything from videos?)
• practical worksheets that help you apply what you’re learning to your specific situation
• bonus guides tackling specific challenges, such as financial conflicts and rebuilding intimacy

These techniques have helped tens of thousands of couples from 100 countries to rebuild their marriages, 76% of whom did it all from their mobile device. Mend the Marriage couldn’t make it easier to incorporate these strategies into your relationship. 

Pricing and Money-Back Guarantee

Browning’s program becomes even more interesting when you compare its cost to the cost of traditional marriage counseling.

For a one-time payment of $49.95 (about the cost of dinner for two), you get the entire program:

• a comprehensive 200+ page e-book that serves as your relationship repair manual
• a 7-part video series breaking down key concepts and strategies
• a 4-hour audio course for learning on the go
• practical worksheets to help you implement what you’ve learned
• three bonus guides covering specific challenges: financial conflicts, infidelity recovery, and protecting children during marriage difficulties

Plus, for a limited time only, four additional bonuses totally for FREE: 

• Mend the Marriage audio version 
• The Mend the Marriage video series 
• Children & Divorce bonus e-book 
• Money Matters guide 

By themselves, these bonuses are worth over $350, but they’re FREE when you purchase Mend the Marriage.

While traditional therapy can cost anywhere between $65 and $250 per hour, most people will pay $100–$200 per hour. Even those with excellent insurance may end up exceeding $50 in copays alone.

Mend the Marriage’s entire program costs less than 20 minutes with the most affordable marriage counselor. 

It also comes with a straightforward 60-day money-back guarantee — if you’re not satisfied, you get a full refund, no questions asked. This isn’t one of those “try to get your refund through 17 different customer service reps” situations — it’s a simple, honest guarantee.

But the real question isn’t about the price tag — it’s about whether this program can actually deliver on its promises.

Does Mend the Marriage Really Work?

It does. Satisfied customers are all too happy to recommend Mend the Marriage because it helped save their relationships. 

At this point, you have a decision to make. 

You can walk away and hope things magically fix themselves (has waiting helped so far?). Or you can decide right now that your marriage is worth fighting for.

With Mend the Marriage, in just minutes, you’ll gain access to the exact strategies to

• stop arguments before they spiral
• make your spouse feel drawn to you again
• rebuild attraction, intimacy, and connection — even if they’ve given up

There’s no waiting for a book in the mail or for an in-person appointment six weeks down the road. You can start making changes today.

And with a 60-day money-back guarantee, there’s absolutely zero risk — only the chance to save the most important relationship of your life.

The choice is yours. But don’t wait until it’s too late.

Choose to Mend the Marriage Now

A woman sits alone in her apartment, all dressed up with nowhere to go. Her fingers hover over her phone, rereading last night’s message — a vague promise, a hint of dinner plans that never came to life.

Maybe he’s just busy. Maybe there’s a reason. Or maybe this is the game, and she just hasn’t learned the rules yet.

You know this woman. You know her story. Or at least, the version the world chooses to remember. But strip away the silver screen gloss, the carefully curated narrative, and what’s left? Is the truth just as cinematic?

What Breadcrumbing Really Is

Crumb after crumb, just like the witch in Hansel and Gretel, a breadcrumber lures victims into a trap, but instead of a candy-coated hut, it’s an emotional trap. 

If you’ve heard the macabre German folktale, you know it’s not exactly a feel-good kind of story. That’s what makes the term “breadcrumbing” so fitting to describe this frustrating modern dating trend.

Breadcrumbing is the “art” (if your five-year-old nephew’s fridge-worthy scribbles count as art) of keeping someone interested through minimal but strategic engagement — sporadic texts, occasional social media likes, or noncommittal flirting.^[1] 

Unlike ghosting, which offers a clean break, breadcrumbers maintain just enough contact to keep the poor victim hooked, without any real intention of committing.

Our well-dressed heroine spent years trapped in this cycle, never quite knowing where she stood, but the signs were there from the beginning . . .

Breadcrumbing: A Tragedy in Three Acts

The saga of fire and ice

She should know better. That’s easy to say. 

But you’re not the one who hears sweet nothings roll off his lips with that signature smirk, who gets pulled in close like she’s the only woman in the world. When he’s here, he’s all in — late-night talks, extravagant gestures, that intoxicating mix of charm and raw appeal. And then? He vanishes.

Full no contact — just a black hole where his attention used to be. And just when she’s finally stitching herself back together . . . he resurfaces. A big smile. Flowers. Dinner. 

The push and pull isn’t a flaw in his love — it’s the design. The warmth lures her in, the cold keeps her chasing. Her brain tells her it’s manipulation. Her body doesn’t care. The dopamine rush of his presence wipes out the loneliness he left in his wake. His hot-and-cold behavior conditions her to crave his approval, to accept the silences as part of the deal.

And just like a gambler convinced the next pull will pay out, she keeps betting on his maybes.

Someday, maybe

Hope is the cruelest hook of all.

“Let’s do dinner next week.”
“We should take that trip upstate soon.”
“I’d love to show you my new place when things settle down.”

The plans sound real enough — enough to keep her believing, to keep her waiting. But “next week” never comes, and “when things settle down” is just another way of saying, “Don’t hold your breath.” But he never says “no” either, never closes the door completely.

Vague plans are one of the clearest signs of breadcrumbing because they create the illusion of forward movement while keeping her in place. Every new crumb feels like it might finally be the whole loaf. He feeds just enough possibility to keep her emotionally invested but never follows through.

It’s a way to keep her orbiting around his life without ever truly being part of it.

The uncertainty extends far beyond calendars and dining plans. In his world of status and carefully curated image, she’s learning that her role shifts depending on who’s watching.

Shadows and spotlights

The real puzzle isn’t what he means — it’s which “him” is doing the talking.

In the dim glow of her apartment, when it’s just the two of them, she’s his “person.” But step into the harsh lights of a restaurant, a gala, a room filled with people who matter (to him) — and suddenly, she’s just “an old friend.”

She sits alone in a crowd while he holds court, watching him be effortlessly charming, magnetic — everything he is behind closed doors but somehow without her. And yet the moment they’re alone again, the story resets.

It’s just enough to keep her hoping, to make her question herself. Is he protecting something fragile between them? Or is she just a secret he doesn’t want to claim?

Mixed signals are a classic breadcrumbing tactic because they create the illusion of exclusivity while preserving his freedom. By treating her like his person in private but keeping her at arm’s length in public, he maintains control over the narrative. 

But why does someone scatter emotional breadcrumbs like this in the first place?

Anatomy of a Breadcrumber

Before she knows it, this smart, successful woman finds herself in this cycle of reruns for six seasons and two spin-offs.

But while we often focus on her side of the story — the hoping, the waiting, the overanalyzing with friends over brunch — there’s value in understanding the complexity behind why he might keep this dance going:

• He likes the “girlfriend experience.” He’s not ready for a relationship, but he doesn’t want to be alone. He likes the intimacy and companionship, but without the responsibility of commitment. He keeps her close enough to feel cared for but distant enough to stay unattached. But defining the relationship? Thank you, but no.
• He thrives on attention but fears emotional depth. He loves feeling wanted, admired, missed. But when things start getting too real — when commitment or vulnerability are on the table — he instinctively pulls away.
• Uncertainty works in his favor. A clear yes or no would force action — either moving forward or letting go. But an open-ended “maybe” keeps her engaged, wondering, waiting. And as long as she’s waiting, she’s not moving on.
• He doesn’t see her as “the one.” If he truly thought she was it, he’d claim her. The hesitation isn’t about needing more time — it’s about keeping her as an option while he figures out what (or who) he really wants.
• The game is more fun than the prize. If he gave her everything she wanted — stability, commitment, clarity — the spark might fade. And for a guy like him, the almost is more exciting than the ever after.
• He has narcissistic and egocentric tendencies. Knowing someone (especially a beautiful, accomplished woman) is waiting for him feeds his ego. It’s about control, dominance, and craving attention without considering the cost.

Still, understanding the why doesn’t make the aftermath any easier. And with each crumb she follows, her original destination becomes harder to remember.

When Breadcrumbs Become Your Diet

It starts as exciting uncertainty. Then, a habit. And then, it rewires your entire approach to love, just as our heroine stays trapped, pining after her Lancelot like a modern-day Lady of Shalott. 

She finds herself passing on good men. Available men, consistent men. To her, they feel too simple. Uncomplicated. Boring. She tells her friends over drinks that something’s missing. That spark, that complexity, that excitement, you know? 

What she says between the lines: She’s developed a taste for the chase, and stable love has started to feel empty compared to his brand of chaos. 

The emotional side effects of her diet include:

• Mistaking anxiety for passion. The thrill of the unknown, the highs and lows — it feels intense, real. But what she doesn’t realize: it’s not passion keeping her hooked — it’s anxiety.
• Doubting her own instincts. She used to recognize red flags — now she rationalizes them. She starts doubting her own reality. Slowly, she stops trusting her own compass, convinced the problem isn’t him — it’s her.
• Questioning what she deserves. The longer she stays in the cycle, the harder it becomes to believe she’s worthy of consistent love. She learns to settle for just enough.
• Turning emotional exhaustion into a lifestyle. Exhaustion has become her new normal, anxiety her baseline. The drama feels more familiar than peace. 
• She begins to fear real intimacy. When a man comes along who is stable, present, and emotionally available, it doesn’t excite her — it unsettles her. When love doesn’t feel like a roller coaster, it feels wrong.
• Holding on longer than she should. She tells herself she’s already invested too much. That maybe the next breadcrumb will finally lead somewhere real. That if she just holds on a little longer, he’ll finally get it right.

But there’s more — anxiety doesn’t just stay in the mind; it shows up in the body too.

• Loss of appetite or emotional eating. Whenever I’m in a state of “romantic” anxiety, I tend to stop eating. But I know others who turn to food for comfort, trying to fill the emotional void.
• Sleep disturbances. Tossing, turning, checking the phone at 2 a.m. Been there. Rest feels impossible when the mind is flooded with stress hormones.
• Physical tension and headaches. Stress has a way of settling into the body — tight shoulders, a clenched jaw, a dull headache that lingers all day.
• Breakouts and skin issues. Redness, breakouts, dull skin, dark circles. No skincare routine can undo the effects of stress. 
• Chronic exhaustion. No matter how much sleep or coffee, the fatigue lingers.

Breadcrumbing drains physical and mental energy, leaving nothing but mental fog and emotional burnout. The good news? Recognizing you’re on a breadcrumb diet is the first step to changing your menu.

Breaking Free From the Breadcrumb Trail

By now you’ve probably figured out whose story I’ve been telling.

Yes, Carrie got her Big happy ending, but — raise your coffee mug if you are with me — that ending feels more like a TV network’s obligation (and some problematic beliefs about what women’s stories should look like) than emotional truth.

It also perpetuates a potentially harmful belief: that if you just stick around long enough, if you just stay patient and persistent, your breadcrumber will finally see your light. And I have a problem with that. 

Because if you need to wait for someone to see your greatness, then maybe it’s time to rewrite your own story — one where your worth isn’t waiting to be discovered by someone else.

Now, let’s talk about what actually works:

• Gut-check your reality. When your stomach churns at another vague text, when your shoulders tense at his name on your screen — listen. Your body recognized the toxic pattern long before your heart was ready to admit it.
• New rules. Like Dua Lipa sings, “You know he’s only calling because he’s drunk and alone,” so stop responding. Don’t accept last-minute plans. When he resurfaces after weeks of silence, resist the urge to pretend everything’s fine. Either he meets your standards for basic respect or he doesn’t get access to your energy.
• Fill your calendar first. Take back control. Let him fit into your plans, not the other way around. Seriously, take your agenda and fill it up with activities. If you’re worried you might cancel for him, make your plans with people who are aware of the situation. 
• Become high maintenance. Men love the cool girl — easygoing, unbothered, expecting nothing. You know why? Because she’s easy to manipulate. So, be high maintenance AF. Set standards. Demand consistency. (Here’s the cool girl monologue that opened my eyes.)
• You don’t have to do this alone. Carrie had Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda to call her out — and they did, time and time again. If only she had listened. Find your people — the friends who will hide your phone when you’re tempted to text, the therapist who will help you break the pattern.

You can borrow Carrie’s shoes, her cosmopolitan cocktail, and her fashionista outfit choices. But waiting around for a man who can’t decide? That trend should’ve been left in the early 2000s — right next to low-rise jeans.

Your modern dating survival guide continues with our guides to being in a relationship. Consider these your next must-read chapters:

• Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On With Your Life
• How to Deal With Anxiety in a Relationship and Learn to Overcome It
• 13 Green Flags in a Relationship: Signs He’s a Keeper
• Do You Like Him or the Attention?
• Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner and How to Manage Them
• Why Do I Keep Thinking About Someone? 10 Possible Reasons and 5 Ways to Stop
• 12 Practical Tips on How to Stop Looking for Love
• 17 Signs He Has Strong Feelings for You but Is Scared: Decoding the Mixed Signals
• What Is Closure in a Relationship? How to Move on From a Breakup

FAQs

References

1. Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Víllora, B. (2020). Psychological correlates of ghosting and breadcrumbing experiences: A preliminary study among adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(3), 1116. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17031116

2. Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Villora, B. (2021). Ghosting and breadcrumbing: Prevalence and association with online dating behavior among young adults. Escritos de Psicología/Psychological Writings, 13(2), 46. https://doi.org/10.24310/espsiescpsi.v13i2.9960

3. Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why we stray (2nd ed.). W. W. Norton & Company.

4. Whitchurch, E. R., Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2011). “He loves me, he loves me not . . .”: Uncertainty can increase romantic attraction. Psychological Science, 22(2), 172–175. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610393745

5. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Marriage counseling is a game-changer. In fact, 70% of couples see improvements after therapy.^[1] But not all services are created equal, and modern couples are forgoing in-person therapy in favor of online resources. 

With so many online marriage counseling platforms available, how do you know which one is right for you? Should you prioritize affordability or therapist specialization? Does messaging-based therapy actually work or is face-to-face counseling still the gold standard? 

As a huge fan of therapy (seriously, ask my friends), it was a pleasure to do this deep dive for you. I’ve researched and compared the best online couples counseling platforms available today. Here’s what I’ve learned: 

10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services

Whether you need the flexibility of text-based support, structured programs tailored to your needs, or a pricing structure that matches your budget, choosing the right platform matters. 

We’ve rounded up the 10 best online couples therapy services to help you find the perfect fit.

Best Overall: Regain

Strengths:

• Flexible therapy formats (video, audio, or live chat sessions)
• Subscription-based pricing
• Licensed and experienced relationship therapists
• Wide selection of professionals across all 50 states
• Includes group webinars, journal prompts, and worksheets
• Unlimited messaging
• Couples can join from different locations

Weaknesses:

• No free trial
• No refund if you cancel
• No insurance coverage
• Fixed session lengths

Is Regain right for me?

Unlike platforms that offer couples counseling as an afterthought, Regain exclusively serves relationships, meaning every therapist is trained in marriage and relationship dynamics.

Regain makes therapy super accessible, with video, phone, or live chat sessions, so you can choose the format that works best for you. Unlimited messaging means you can even reach out to your therapist between sessions! Plus, if you and your partner aren’t in the same place (hello, long-distance couples or frequent travelers), you can meet from different locations easily.

That said, Regain isn’t perfect. It doesn’t accept insurance, which means you’ll have to pay out of pocket. If you need insurance-covered therapy, Talkspace might be a better fit. 

While the subscription-based model keeps costs lower than traditional therapy, it may not be ideal for couples relying on insurance coverage, as many plans don’t reimburse online therapy platforms. Also, I’ve seen concerns about data security, so it’s worth reviewing the platform’s policies before signing up.

But for those willing to pay out of pocket, let Regain help you navigate communication breakdowns, recurring conflicts, or emotional distance. Get started today.

Most Flexible: Talkspace

Strengths:

• Accepts most insurance plans & EAPs 
• Flexible therapy formats
• Medication management services
• Multiple therapy options (individual, couples, and teen)
• User-friendly platform
• Quick therapist matching
• Easy to switch therapists

Weaknesses:

• Cannot choose your initial therapist
• Short sessions (30 minutes)
• Text-based therapy may come across as impersonal
• Pricing not transparent until sign-up

Is Talkspace right for me?

Talkspace is in-network with several major insurance providers and employee assistance programs (EAPs), making it a more budget-friendly choice for couples who don’t want to pay entirely out of pocket.

One of Talkspace’s biggest strengths is flexibility. Whether you and your partner prefer live video, phone calls, or text-based therapy, Talkspace lets you choose the format that fits your lifestyle. It’s especially great for busy couples or those who like asynchronous communication — send messages to your therapist anytime and receive responses during working hours. 

Plus, the platform offers psychiatric services and medication management, which can be a huge benefit for couples navigating both mental health and relationship challenges. The short sessions are great for those with packed schedules.

On the other hand, those same 30-minute sessions may feel too short for in-depth discussions. You can’t choose your initial therapist, so if you don’t click with the first match, you’ll need to request a switch. Also, pricing isn’t transparent until after sign-up, which can be frustrating if you’re trying to compare costs up front.

If you’re looking for longer, more personalized sessions, Regain might be a better alternative. If affordability is your main concern, Online-Therapy.com offers structured, low-cost plans that could be a better fit.

If you want a flexible, insurance-friendly therapy option, Talkspace makes it easy to get the support you need — on your schedule. Start with Talkspace today.

Most Bang for Your Buck: Online-Therapy.com

Strengths:

• All therapists specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
• Includes meditation videos, worksheets, and structured programs
• Financial aid options available for those who qualify
• Easy and quick sign-up process
• Video, audio, and live chat sessions
• Affordable compared to traditional therapy

Weaknesses:

• Doesn’t accept insurance
• CBT may not be the best fit for all couples
• Reports of technical issues during sessions
• Limited therapist diversity

Is Online-Therapy.com right for me?

One of the biggest advantages of Online-Therapy.com is that it’s not just therapy sessions — it also provides self-help tools, including worksheets, journaling, and meditation videos to reinforce what you’re learning. 

The affordable subscription model is another big plus. By selecting the level of therapy you need, you won’t be paying for services you don’t have time to use.

However, Online-Therapy.com isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t accept insurance, so couples hoping for coverage may find it costly in the long run. The platform only offers CBT, which may not be ideal for those who prefer other methods. Some users have also reported technical issues with the platform, and therapist quality can vary.

If insurance coverage is a priority, Talkspace might be a better alternative. If you want a research-backed, structured approach tailored specifically for couples, the Gottman Referral Network is worth exploring.

If you’re a self-motivated couple ready to take an active role in improving your relationship, Online-Therapy.com is ideal for you. Check out its subscription plans now.

Best for Evidence-Based: Gottman Referral Network

Strengths:

• All therapists specialize in the Gottman Method
• Backed by 40+ years of research on relationships
• 1000+ experienced therapists worldwide
• Structured approach to communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy

Weaknesses:

• Limited diversity in providers and research inclusivity
• Cannot filter by price or insurance coverage
• Most therapists don’t accept insurance
• Focuses only on the Gottman Method, limiting integrative approaches
• More expensive than alternatives

Is the Gottman Referral Network right for me?

Unlike general therapy platforms, the Gottman Referral Network exclusively connects couples with therapists trained in the Gottman Method, a research-backed approach you might have heard or read about in the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, which we cite often in our guides to being in a relationship. 

The Gottman Method is particularly effective for couples struggling with recurring arguments, trust issues, or emotional disconnection. Its step-by-step approach teaches partners how to manage conflict, de-escalate tension, and rebuild closeness, making it an excellent option for those willing to commit to a structured therapeutic process.

However, most therapists don’t accept insurance, so sessions can be expensive. You can’t filter by price, which may make finding an affordable option difficult. Additionally, while the Gottman Method is well-researched, it lacks diversity in its foundational studies, making it less inclusive for LGBTQ+ and BIPOC couples.

If you need a more budget-friendly alternative, consider Online-Therapy.com. If insurance coverage is a priority, Talkspace may be a better fit.

But if your focus is on highly specialized, research-backed couples therapy, the Gottman Referral Network is for you. Find a certified Gottman therapist and start strengthening your relationship today.

Best for Faith-Based Counseling: Thriveworks

Strengths:

• Christian-based therapy available for those who prefer faith-integrated counseling
• Accepts health insurance
• Wide range of specialties, focuses, and therapy modalities
• Available in all 50 states + Washington, D.C.
• Medication management services offered
• Responsive customer service

Weaknesses:

• Longer wait times than advertised
• Limited therapy modalities compared to other platforms
• Cannot filter therapists by identity (e.g., race, LGBTQ+ focus)
• No sliding scale pricing for lower-income clients
• Repetitive paperwork can be frustrating

Is Thriveworks right for me?

Thriveworks connects you with licensed professionals who specialize in faith-based counseling, making it a solid choice for couples who want therapy that aligns with their religious beliefs.

A major advantage of Thriveworks is its insurance coverage — the platform accepts over 585 insurance plans, which significantly reduces out-of-pocket costs compared to many other online therapy services. This makes it a practical option for couples who prioritize affordability but don’t want to compromise on therapist qualifications.

Beyond faith-based counseling, Thriveworks provides a broad range of services, including medication management and therapy for individuals, couples, children, and families. 

However, Thriveworks does have some weaknesses. The platform claims to offer quick access to therapists, but in reality, some users report long wait times. Additionally, therapist diversity and specialization options are limited, with many practitioners focusing primarily on CBT.

If faith-based counseling isn’t a priority and you’re looking for a more structured, evidence-based approach, the Gottman Referral Network might be a better fit. For those without insurance who need a budget-friendly option, Online-Therapy.com offers structured therapy at a lower cost.

If you’re seeking faith-based counseling with licensed professionals and broad insurance coverage, Thriveworks is a great choice. Get started today and find a therapist who aligns with your beliefs.

Best for Intimacy Issues: Modern Intimacy

Strengths:

• Specializes in sex therapy
• Therapists are LGBTQ+ members or allies
• Offers educational courses and workshops
• Free 30-minute consultation
• Judgment-free, sex-positive approach to relationships and intimacy

Weaknesses:

• High price point compared to other therapy services
• Limited availability
• Doesn’t accept insurance

Is Modern Intimacy right for me?

If you’re struggling with intimacy issues, sexual concerns, or relationship dynamics that involve emotional and physical connection, Modern Intimacy is a specialized therapy platform that could be a strong fit.

Modern Intimacy is particularly inclusive, with all therapists either identifying as LGBTQ+ members or allies. This makes it a great option for individuals and couples who want a therapist who understands diverse identities and sexual orientations. 

The practice offers a free 30-minute consultation, which is rare in online therapy, allowing potential clients to assess compatibility before committing financially.

However, there are some limitations to consider. The platform is only available to clients in California, Colorado, Florida, Illinois, New York, and Vermont, meaning if you’re outside these states, you don’t have access.

Another major drawback is the cost. Modern Intimacy does not accept insurance, making it a pricey option compared to platforms like Thriveworks, which offers faith-based therapy with insurance coverage, or Regain, which provides more affordable relationship counseling with flexible session formats.

For those seeking expert support in intimacy, relationships, and sexual health, Modern Intimacy provides specialized, inclusive therapy. Book a free consultation to explore if it’s the right fit for you.

Best for Urgent Help: Mindful Care

Strengths:

• Offers group therapy
• Very affordable, especially for group sessions
• Accepts insurance
• Same-day appointments available
• MicroTherapy sessions fit into busy schedules
• Provides psychiatric care and medication management

Weaknesses:

• Only available in six states
• Limited to video therapy
• Only one group therapy time available
• Patients don’t always see their chosen therapist
• Focuses on all relationships, not just romantic ones

Is Mindful Care right for me?

Mindful Care offers MicroTherapy — short 20-minute sessions designed for people who want quick, solution-focused support. This rare feature makes it a great fit for those who need frequent but shorter bursts of guidance rather than hour-long deep dives.

Another standout feature is group therapy (CONNECT) that provides peer-supported mental health treatment in a structured, therapist-led setting. It also accepts insurance, making it a budget-friendly alternative to more couples-focused platforms like Regain, which require full out-of-pocket payment.

However, there are some downsides to consider. First, Mindful Care is only available in six states (New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, and Michigan), which limits accessibility. 

Additionally, group therapy sessions can feel less structured than individual therapy, and session times are fixed, meaning you can’t reschedule if you miss one. Live chat or phone sessions aren’t an option, so you’re limited to video chat sessions only. If you need longer therapy sessions, Thriveworks is a great alternative. 

If you need quick, solution-focused support, Mindful Care’s MicroTherapy sessions and group therapy options offer a flexible, insurance-friendly approach. Schedule a same-day appointment to get started.

Best for Parenting Support: Little Otter

Strengths:

• Specializes in couples therapy for parents
• Also treats children aged 14 and younger
• Offers parent coaching sessions and family therapy
• Provides resources and tools to use outside of therapy
• Messaging between sessions for additional support

Weaknesses:

• Only accepts one insurance plan
• Initial assessment session is not free
• Expensive compared to other therapy providers
• Limited appointment availability

Is Little Otter right for me?

Little Otter is designed specifically for kids aged 0 to 14, with a strong emphasis on family mental health. The platform offers individual therapy for children, parent coaching, couples counseling, and psychiatric services, ensuring that the entire family receives the support they need.

A standout feature of Little Otter is its Child and Family Mental Health Check-Up — a thorough assessment that evaluates both the child’s well-being and how family dynamics may be influencing their mental health. Parents also gain access to the Care Den, an interactive portal where they can view therapy notes, and helpful mental health resources for their child.

However, there are some downsides to consider. Little Otter is expensive, with sessions costing $200+ each, and while it accepts some insurance plans, coverage is limited. Additionally, finding after-school therapy slots can be challenging, which may be frustrating for busy families.

That said, if you’re looking for a highly specialized therapy service that prioritizes children’s mental health with a holistic, research-backed approach, Little Otter is an excellent choice.

Best for Hybrid: Growing Self

Strengths:

• In-person therapy options available in select locations
• Specializes in divorce and breakup recovery
• Free consultation to help you find the right fit
• Accepts 51 insurance plans
• Available in all 50 states + Washington, D.C
• Select and change therapists easily
• User-friendly platform with concise search filters
• Treats children (ages 6+) and adults

Weaknesses:

• More expensive than some alternatives
• No messaging services for between-session support
• Minimal diversity among providers despite its wide reach
• Video platform can be glitchy
• Some major insurance plans (e.g., HealthNet) are not accepted

Is Growing Self right for me?

If you’re looking for relationship-focused therapy and coaching that goes beyond traditional mental health counseling, Growing Self is an excellent choice. 

Whether you’re struggling with communication in your relationship, navigating a breakup, or working on self-improvement, this platform tailors its services to help you manage your personal well-being as well as your relationship.

One of Growing Self’s biggest strengths is its dual approach — you can choose licensed therapy for deeper emotional work or coaching for action-oriented progress. This flexibility is ideal for those who don’t necessarily need mental health treatment but want expert guidance in their relationships or careers. 

Additionally, its sliding scale pricing makes it one of the more affordable options compared to platforms like Thriveworks, which operates on a fixed-rate model. However, Growing Self does not accept insurance, meaning all sessions are self-pay. If you need insurance-covered therapy for clinical mental health concerns, Talkspace might be a better alternative. 

But if your goal is strengthening relationships, improving communication, or navigating major life transitions with expert coaching, Growing Self is a top-tier option. 

Best for Infidelity Recovery: Octave

Strengths:

• Specializes in supporting couples after infidelity
• Uses emotionally focused therapy (EFT)
• Care navigator matches you with a therapist (not an algorithm)
• Accepts several insurance plans
• Therapists of color prioritized, offering more diversity
• Therapy available in 40+ languages

Weaknesses:

• Only available in six states + Washington, D.C.
• Sessions can be very expensive
• No way to browse therapists before signing up
• Auto-scheduling felt excessive for some users
• Some states lack available couples therapists

Is Octave right for me?

Octave prioritizes accessibility and affordability by accepting major insurance providers, making high-quality therapy more financially feasible for many clients. With offerings in individual, couples, and family therapy, Octave provides a well-rounded approach to mental health care.

A standout feature of Octave is its inclusive provider network, which includes therapists of diverse backgrounds and therapy in over 40 languages — a major plus for those seeking culturally competent care. Additionally, Octave provides a structured intake process to help match clients with the right therapist based on their needs.

However, there are a few drawbacks. Octave’s therapist-matching process can take longer than other platforms, and some users have reported appointment scheduling issues, including limited availability for couples therapy. Additionally, Octave’s coverage varies by state, and not all insurance plans are accepted, so it’s important to check eligibility before signing up.

If you’re seeking a therapy platform that accepts insurance and offers multiple treatment options, Octave is a strong contender. 

Criteria for Choosing Online Therapy

Finding the right online couples therapy isn’t just about convenience — it’s about making sure it actually helps. The best service should align with your needs, budget, and schedule while offering real expertise. Here’s what to consider:

Why credentials matter

A therapist’s qualifications make all the difference. Licensed professionals — such as LMFTs (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists), LCSWs (Licensed Clinical Social Workers), or psychologists with a PhD/PsyD — have specialized training in relationship dynamics. 

They understand the patterns that lead to disconnection and can offer structured, evidence-based guidance. Without proper credentials, there’s no guarantee you’re getting expertise rather than generic advice.

Matching the therapy style to your relationship

Different therapy approaches work for different relationships. Choosing the right approach depends on what you and your partner need to work on.

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on changing thought patterns that affect behavior. 
• Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) helps couples rebuild trust and emotional security. 
• The Gottman Method is backed by decades of research on what makes relationships last, emphasizing communication and conflict resolution. 

Cost and insurance

Some platforms look affordable at first but charge extra for video sessions, so it’s worth looking into the full pricing structure.

Therapy can range from $60 to $250 per session, depending on the provider and platform. Some services offer subscription models with unlimited messaging, while others charge per session. If affordability is a concern, check whether the service accepts insurance or offers a sliding scale fee based on income. 

Scheduling and accessibility

Flexibility is essential, especially for busy couples or those in different time zones. Some platforms offer evening and weekend sessions, while others provide asynchronous messaging for ongoing support. A user-friendly platform that works across devices ensures a smoother experience — technical issues shouldn’t be another thing to stress about.

Our Online Therapy Methodology

Taking a well-structured approach to evaluating the best online couples therapy services, focusing on key factors that make a real difference in accessibility, effectiveness, and overall experience is a must. Here’s what I considered:

1. Specialization and expertise

I looked for platforms that offer licensed therapists with expertise in couples counseling, including specialties like infidelity recovery, premarital counseling, and conflict resolution. I also noted the therapy methods each service uses.

2. Therapist availability and qualifications

I evaluated the number of available therapists, whether users could choose their therapist, and how easy it was to switch providers if needed. I also checked for credentials like LMFT, LCSW, PhD/PsyD, ensuring that therapists were qualified to work with couples.

3. Insurance and cost

Affordability is a major factor, so I examined whether each service accepts insurance or offers sliding scale pricing. I compared session costs, subscription models, and extra fees for messaging, video calls, or extended sessions.

4. Geographic availability

Some platforms are available nationwide, while others are limited to certain states or countries. I assessed whether services had widespread access or were restricted to specific locations. I included restricted options where I thought the benefit to those they serve outweighs the limited availability.

5. Scheduling and ease of use

I evaluated how easy it is to book sessions, whether platforms offer flexible scheduling (evenings, weekends), and whether users can access asynchronous therapy (messaging between sessions). User experience — including website and app navigation — was also considered.

6. Unique features and extra support

Some platforms offer group therapy, couples workshops, relationship assessments, or self-help resources. I factored in these additional features to highlight services that go beyond traditional therapy sessions.

The recommendations are based on a combination of website information, real user reviews, and expert insights, ensuring that you can find the most effective and accessible therapy options.

Understanding Couples Therapy

Whether you’re working through conflict, feeling distant, or just want to strengthen your bond, a good therapist can help you and your partner understand each other better and build a healthier, more fulfilling relationship — together.

What does couples therapy involve?

At its core, couples therapy helps partners navigate a variety of issues:

• Communication breakdowns and frequent misunderstandings
• Trust issues, including infidelity recovery
• Conflict resolution and learning to argue in healthier ways
• Emotional distance or loss of intimacy
• Major life transitions, such as marriage, parenthood, or relocation
• Different relationship expectations, including financial or parenting disagreements

Sessions are typically led by a licensed therapist trained in relationship dynamics, using evidence-based methods like EFT, CBT, or the Gottman Method. Some services offer individual and joint sessions, allowing each partner to explore personal challenges alongside relationship work.

How can couples therapy help?

Research shows that couples therapy can significantly improve relationship satisfaction, particularly when both partners are open to growth.^[2] Some key benefits:

• Better communication: Learning how to express needs and listen without defensiveness
• Stronger emotional connection: Rebuilding intimacy and trust
• Healthier conflict resolution: Understanding each other’s triggers and finding compromises
• Personal growth: Gaining insight into patterns from childhood or past relationships
• Preventative support: Addressing issues before they become irreparable

Your Next Steps

Ultimately, the “best” platform is the one that meets your specific relationship needs — budget, time constraints, and personal preferences included. 

If you’re looking for affordable and flexible online counseling, Regain and Talkspace are both popular choices. If you prefer a more holistic or growth-oriented approach, Growing Self might be a good fit.

Don’t be afraid to test a therapist or platform to see if it feels like a good fit, because the quality of the therapeutic relationship plays a major role in successful outcomes. 

Whether you’ve decided on couples therapy or not, let these additional resources guide your relationship to higher satisfaction:

• How to Avoid Divorce and Save Your Marriage
• 19 Effective Couples Therapy Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship
• Shared Values in a Relationship: Core Beliefs for Couples
• Healthy Boundaries in Relationships: What They Are and How to Set Them
• Reasons to Love Someone: What Makes Love Deep and Genuine
• Relationship Rights and Responsibilities: Know What Matters
• Unsure If Your Husband Still Loves You? Here’s How to Know

If you’re looking for more, check out our guides to being in a relationship.

FAQs

References

1. Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00249.x

2. Lebow, J., & Snyder, D. K. (2022). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family Process, 61(4), 1359–1385. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12824

3. Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00249.x