Talking to your kids about porn is about as graceful as assembling IKEA furniture without an Allen key. But if you don’t equip them with the right info, the internet will.

Sure, you’d rather explain Cardi B’s “WAP” lyrics to your grandparents, but talking to kids about porn is inescapable in this Information Age.

I’ve consulted experts and scholarly publications to discover the secrets to talking to kids about pornography.

So, grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, and let’s explore how to tackle this tricky topic with confidence, a sprinkle of humor, and plenty of honesty.

Key Takeaways: 

• Talking about porn with your kids is vital for their healthy sexual and social development.
• Porn can lead to distorted views of sexuality as well as addiction and unhealthy relationships.
• Use parental controls, promote internet safety, and encourage positive offline activities.
• Foster open, age-appropriate discussions in a safe, nonjudgmental environment.

Talking Your Kids About Porn

In today’s digital world, talking to your kids about porn isn’t an “if,” it’s a “when.” 

With explicit content just a click away, you want to shield your child from its negative impacts, and in the words of author Dr. Gail Dines, a leading subject-matter expert, “The best defense against the harmful effects of porn is good sex education, which should start early.”^[1]

And hey, I get it — no one prepared you for this. Raised by boomers, you were probably left with a legacy of cluelessness and secrecy about sexuality, but you can break the cycle. That’s why we’ve created a parent’s guide to identifying and preventing teen dating violence.

Here’s how to talk to your kids about porn.

Creating a safe space for open dialogue

Begin by creating a safe, nonjudgmental space for open dialogue. 

In her book Talking to Your Kids About Sex, Dr. Laura Berman says that kids are more likely to talk about sensitive topics if they feel heard and not judged.^[2] When they feel safe to ask questions, they won’t be compelled to search for the answers online. 

So, how do you make this magic happen?

• Begin with simple talks about body parts and online safety.
• Use everyday moments to slide into the topic. (A steamy scene in a movie? That’s your cue!)
• Be straightforward.
• Listen actively. Nod, empathize, and no lecturing.
• Make it clear this is an ongoing chat.
• Leverage resources designed for this (like those cited in this article).
• Stay calm and patient.
• Normalize the topic.

It’s a tall task, I’m not going to kid you. But someday, they’ll appreciate it.

Age-appropriate discussions: Tailoring the conversation

Berman also explains that “giving age-appropriate information simply means talking about the body in a way that fits the age and maturity level of your child.”^[3]  

Start early by using the proper names for body parts. This sets the stage for future chats when curiosity kicks in. 

Beyond that, frame your conversation around the information you want them to know.

For little ones (ages 5–7), keep it simple: “Private parts are private.” 

For older kids (ages 8–12), expand a bit: “Sometimes people look at pictures or videos of naked people online. It’s not for kids and can give wrong ideas about real relationships.” 

Teens (13–19) need the real talk: “Porn shows things that aren’t real and can mess up how you see sex and relationships.”

It’s not that difficult, Berman argues. She says, “If you pause and think of how to answer these questions age-appropriately, they lose much of their intimidation factor.”^[4] 

Addressing the unrealistic nature of pornography

Porn portrays sex about as realistically as Michael Bay movies portray police work — a fantasyland where everything is exaggerated, and nothing is real. 

Dr. Dines points out, “Pornography sets up unrealistic expectations that can distort a young person’s view of healthy sex and relationships.”^[5] When kids consume this content, they might think it’s the norm, leading to warped ideas about intimacy. 

Genuine relationships are more like Nick and Jess from New Girl — awkward, and with much less coordination. 

Exploring the risks and consequences of excessive porn consumption

Even for adults, excessive porn consumption can lead to addiction, desensitization, and seeing people as objects. Imagine how it affects kids.

But the negative effects of excessive porn consumption don’t stop there.

For example, a recent study published in Psychological Medicine reported that men who watched porn frequently were more likely to experience erectile dysfunction and less likely to be satisfied with their sex lives.^[6] 

The stakes are even higher for kids, whose brains, bodies, and sexual identities aren’t yet fully developed. 

Promoting healthy relationships and consent

Where there’s no consent there is no healthy relationship. Full stop. 

Therefore, it’s never too early to begin talking to your kids about consent.

Even if porn had any memorable dialogue, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t consist of eloquent discussions of consent. Instead, it often showcases nonconsensual scenarios and normalizes harmful attitudes about boundaries and respect.

You can introduce the concept of consent by teaching your kids to ask permission before borrowing their sibling’s favorite crayon and only taking it after getting a clear “yes”!

Another great way to teach your kids about consent is to dispense with the notion that anyone is entitled to a hug or kiss from your child. 

Forcing children to show physical affection is tantamount to laying a building’s foundation on quicksand. 

How can they learn to speak up for their bodily autonomy when they were taught from a young age that anyone is entitled to their body?

How can they learn to advocate for their own healthy relationships if they’re taught someone else always gets to dictate the terms?

The answer is they can’t.

For more information about teens and healthy sexual relationships, check out these teen dating violence statistics.   

Encouraging critical thinking and media literacy

By encouraging critical thinking and media literacy, you help your kid differentiate between fact and fiction. In a “fake news” era, thinking critically is as essential as a good Wi-Fi connection.

Don’t just plop your kids down in front of Bluey and hope they borrow scruples from the characters (although I will admit that Bluey has taught even me some profound life lessons). 

Consume media with your kids so you can talk about the storylines and help them apply the topics and lessons broached by kids’ shows to their own lives.  

Encourage your child to ask questions: “Is this real? What’s the message here? What would you have done differently?” Show them how to spot problematic tropes, exaggerated portrayals, and “Hollywood magic.” 

Seeking help and support

If you fear that your child may have been negatively impacted by pornography, here are some resources to support you: 

• Fight the New Drug: provides information on the harmful effects of pornography and offers resources for individuals and families
• Your Brain on Porn: offers educational material on how pornography affects the brain and provides support for those looking to quit
• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP): provides guidelines and advice for parents on how to address the issue of pornography with their children

Impact of Porn on Teens or Children

Letting kids learn about sex from porn is like letting them take relationship advice from The Twilight Saga. Sure, the movies are fun, but their vision of love is troubling, to say the least. 

Jokes aside, the impact of porn on young minds can be profound, skewing their views on sex, love, and intimacy. 

Distorted views of sexuality and relationships

Kids will inevitably seek answers online without a trusted adult to talk to. And let’s be real; they’re not going to search for scholarly articles on adolescent sexuality. Nope, they will head straight for the land of X-rated content, mindlessly absorbing the messages it feeds them.

Those messages can seriously distort their views on sexuality and relationships, making them think on-screen fantasies are real-life norms. And why wouldn’t they? If someone showed you a workout video where Miley Cyrus gets toned by eating donuts and drinking soda, you’d be heading straight to Dunkin’ Donuts! (Pro tip: It’s HIIT and lean protein, not donuts and Coke.)

Donut workout videos may mess with your fat-to-muscle ratio, but the use of porn by kids and teens has much more profound, psychological implications. 

According to an Australian study conducted in 2017, consumption of porn at a young age can lead to many troubling results:

• Stronger permissive sexual attitudes (e.g., premarital sex, casual sex)
• Performing common sexual acts seen in dominant hetero pornography
• Unsafe sexual health practices, such as unprotected sex
• “Sexual uncertainty” about sexual beliefs, sexual dissatisfaction, anxiety, and fear 

And maybe worst of all, porn usually reinforces stereotypes of an active male and a passive female. The same study shows that 

. . . both male and female consumers of pornography had increased levels of self-objectification and body surveillance. Male teens who view pornography frequently are more likely to view women as sex objects and to hold sexist attitudes such as women “leading men on” . . . Adolescents who consumed violent pornography were six times more likely to be sexually aggressive compared to those who viewed non-violent pornography or no pornography.^[7]

Yikes!

if you’re interested in learning more about dating violence, check out our page here

Increased risk of addiction and compulsive behavior

Ever just had one Oreo? Yeah, right! Who can resist those delicious little devils? But it’s not your fault — your brain’s just looking out for you, trying to keep you alive by craving more of that dopamine-inducing comfort food. Blame it on evolution!

Porn functions the same way.

In her article Why Is Porn Addictive? certified addiction professional Amber Biello-Taylor explains, “When someone has an orgasm, the body releases endorphins and there is a spike in dopamine levels, causing the person to experience feelings of pleasure similar to when someone uses drugs or alcohol.”^[8]

Over time, a tolerance for porn builds up, just like it would for alcohol or drugs (or Oreos). This means that an addict might need more and more stimulation to get the same level of satisfaction. And that could lead some people to seek out riskier sexual activities in real life. 

Without learning healthy ways to create dopamine through positive behaviors, like outdoor activities, exercise, or listening to music, kids are at a very high risk of developing addictions. 

Late George Washington University researcher and clinical psychologist Dr. Victor Cline warns that pornography is a trap — a never-ending cycle that feeds on itself, distorting reality and making healthy, intimate relationships increasingly difficult.^[9] 

Negative impact on mental health and self-esteem

If Kim Kardashian could single-handedly inspire an entire BBL industry, it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to imagine the negative impact of porn on mental health and self-esteem. But of course, just for you, I’ve found a study that confirms your suspicions. 

A study on the risk of porn on adolescent well-being conducted by the University of Zagreb, Croatia, and the University of Southern Ontario, Canada, shows that 

pornography use may contribute to personal insecurities about adolescents’ bodies, their appearance, or their sexual performance and it may undermine attachment functioning, leading to relationship dysfunction, and social isolation. Furthermore . . . pornography use is related to . . . lower life-satisfaction and self-esteem, and more symptoms of depression in adolescents.^[10]

After watching porn where all bodies are plastic surgery artworks, your child may struggle with body image, thinking they’re supposed to meet these impossible standards. 

In this context, another study, published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, authors Tamarit et al. define body self-esteem “as one’s evaluation of their own worth through the use of internet and social media.”^[11]

In the formative years, a lot of identity exploration for kids and teens is comparing themselves to what they see around them. So, if all they see is filtered, picture-perfect bodies, no wonder their self-worth is plummeting. 

And who can blame them when their role models are practically CGI? 

Interference with healthy sexual development

Interference with healthy sexual development boils down to age-appropriate content. While adults can spot what’s fake, kids and teens don’t have the experience to figure it out. 

Children need to discover their sexuality at the pace of their own forming minds and bodies. Too much explicit content too soon can mess with that, leading to unrealistic, harmful perceptions of sex.

In a 2019 study published in Education and Health, authors Ainsworth-Masiello and Evans found that

. . . young people highlight concerns regarding sexual expectations from relationships, including body image, duration of sex and the “need” to perform certain acts with partners. Alongside this, they would also mention watching pornographic material and feeling pressure to emulate this.^[12]  

Watching porn early is like trying to learn to cook from a Top Chef episode — nobody cooks like that, and who even has that many knives at home?

Whether it’s an inability to produce an edible meal or a failure to engage in a healthy sexual relationship, it’s crucial that kids don’t develop expectations based on misrepresentation.

Increased risk of engaging in risky sexual behavior

Kids’ brains aren’t great at recognizing danger. Remember Tide Pods? Adolescent executive functioning skills aren’t always the best.^[13] 

This leaves them vulnerable to various problematic online behaviors. 

Take sextortion, for example. 

In a 2018 article in the journal Sexual Abuse, authors Patchin and Hinduja explore the dangers of this crime on young lives. 

They define sextortion as the “threatened dissemination of explicit, intimate, or embarrassing images of a sexual nature without consent, usually for the purpose of procuring additional images, sexual acts, money, or something else.”^[14]

It’s a serious and growing crisis. 

In fact, between 2021 and 2023, there were “over 13,000 reports of online financial sextortion of minors” reported to the FBI and DHS, cases which led to “at least 20 suicides.”^[15]

Now, I truly hope you and your kid never have to deal with sextortion. But it’s crucial to teach kids about safe sex practices and online dangers. That way, they can make smarter choices and understand the importance of consent and protection. 

Knowledge and awareness are the shields that will protect them against the internet’s villains!

Strain on social interactions and relationships

In some respects, life was easier pre-internet. Back then, the closest you’d come to seeing porn was sneaking a peek through the curtain at Blockbuster’s “adults only” section or stumbling upon a dusty box full of pinups in your uncle’s basement. 

Times have changed. Sexually explicit content is so ubiquitous these days that dodging it feels like an Olympic sport! 

Its impact, however, is one to be reckoned with. 

Gustavo Mesch, in his 2009 study on the social effects of porn on teens, found that “greater quantities of pornography consumption were significantly correlated with lower degrees of social integration . . . and aggressiveness in school, with higher degrees of consumption related to higher levels of aggressiveness.”^[16]

The same study, however, indicates that kids who have close friendships and high-quality social interactions are far less likely even to be interested in viewing porn.

So, maybe instead of worrying about what your kids are watching, focus on getting them to hang out with their friends more often and build a strong social network.

Encourage the good instead of fretting over and punishing the bad!

Protecting Your Kids From Pornography

Want to protect your kids from porn? Get ahead of the game! Play defense before the offense even starts.

You can’t stop your kids’ curiosity. It’s their nature! 

Children are far more likely to try something if you simply forbid it. Remember Simba’s excursion to the elephant graveyard? Would he have been so excited to go there if Mufasa hadn’t explicitly forbidden it? We’ll never know. 

But let’s treat Mufasa’s parenting error as an invitation to explore alternative tools to simple prohibition (which is ok to a degree but surely not enough). 

As a parent, you’ve got a whole bag of tricks to keep your little explorer from venturing into the shadowy place. 

Implementing parental controls and content filters

You childproof your house, so why not childproof your internet? 

You already know that the best defense is a good offense. Parental controls and content filters like Net Nanny, Qustodio, and Norton Family can block explicit websites and monitor online activities. 

These tools guard your young padawan like the Mandalorian protecting Baby Yoda, keeping your kids on the light side of the internet. 

Promoting open communication and trust

As much as the vision of your child asking you about porn makes you cringe, keeping communication open is key. 

Now, I’m not suggesting you implement a system like that of Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, whose system of “accountability” means he and his teenage son monitor each other’s porn usage because that’s . . . extremely weird.^[17]

What I am suggesting is that you create a safe space where your kids feel comfortable discussing anything, even porn. Think Phil Dunphy from Modern Family. Genuine, authentic, the perfect dad.

Educating children about internet safety

Knowledge is key. You can’t protect yourself or your child from dangers you don’t know exist.

Porn isn’t the only online danger; there’s also cyberbullying, identity theft, and who knows what else lurking just around the next click. 

Hopefully, your child will be spared from these threats, but being aware of them helps kids make smarter decisions. 

Talk to your kids about their internet use, teach them about online dangers, and learn everything you can about the internet to make informed decisions.

When everyone’s in the know, it’s easier to stay safe and have fun online!

Encouraging healthy offline activities and hobbies

If you grew up roaming the neighborhood and climbing trees, you already know how awesome it is to experience the world as a free-range kid. 

While it may not look as liberated as it did growing up in the 80s, cultivating your kids’ offline hobbies and activities is your best defense against them getting bored and stumbling into porn.

Enroll them in ballet, football, martial arts, swimming, music lessons, or a reading club. Keep them busy and entertained — anything to keep them off that darn screen. 

Need more convincing? 

A 2019 report in JAMA Pediatrics found that “team sports participation during adolescence was significantly associated with better adult mental health outcomes, especially for males, including lower likelihood of having ever received a diagnosis of depression or anxiety and having current depressive symptoms.”^[18]

If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will. 

Modeling responsible digital behavior

Kids learn by example. If they see you munching on kale and jogging like Rocky Balboa every morning, they’re likely to follow suit. 

Want your kiddo to act right online? You’ve got to lead by example. Simple as that. Show them what good internet behavior looks like by practicing it yourself. 

You do this by waiting until they’re not around to glue yourself to your phone, doom-scrolling or fighting trolls, or whatever you do on Instagram in the middle of the night.

I’m not telling you not to conduct content research on your high school frenemies — just don’t do it when the kids are watching.

Consistency between your words and actions will reinforce the lessons you’re teaching.

Seeking professional help when needed

If you see your child struggling with porn addiction or related issues, please don’t make it about yourself. It’s not about your being a bad parent, or your child being deficient. Shame and judgment won’t get either of you anywhere. 

Seek professional help instead.  

Look into resources like counseling, therapy, and support groups. Organizations like the National Center on Sexual Exploitation offer guidance and services to help families in these situations.

Conclusion

How you talk to your kids about porn is important. Normalize sex education as an ongoing part of your kids’ upbringing, like teaching them to tie their shoes or make pancakes. Help them build a strong sense of self-worth, and, when in doubt, activate those parental controls.

But most importantly, you’ve got to talk to your kids.

You may want your baby to stay innocent forever, but it’s just not how the sausage is made. 

It’s a toe-curling convo, but it’s one worth having — not only for your kids but for society at large. So, let’s make the world a better place one cringeworthy sex talk at a time! 

FAQs

How do you talk with children who’ve accidentally seen pornography?

When you talk with children who’ve accidentally seen pornography, ask what they saw and how it made them feel. Be curious, not critical. Reassure them they’re not in trouble. Explain why that content isn’t for kids and discuss healthy relationships. Make it clear they can always come to you with questions. Keep it light, open, and supportive — turn the awkward into a learning moment!

What should you say when children deliberately view pornography?

When children deliberately view pornography, ask them in a nonjudgmental manner why they looked it up. Was it curiosity or peer pressure? Explain how porn can distort their view of sex and relationships. Real talk, no scare tactics. Firmly set rules about internet use and reiterate that you’re there to talk about anything. 

Where do pre-teens see pornography?

Pre-teens see pornography on all sorts of digital hangouts, such as social media (Instagram, Twitter, TikTok), video sites (YouTube, Vimeo), file sharing (BitTorrent), messaging apps (Snapchat, WhatsApp, Discord), or web searches. 

References

1. Dines, G. (2010). Pornland: How porn has hijacked our sexuality. Beacon Press.

2. Berman, L. (2009). Talking to your kids about sex: Turning “the talk” into a conversation for life. DK.

3. Berman, L. (2009). Talking to your kids about sex: Turning “the talk” into a conversation for life. DK.

4. Berman, L. (2009). Talking to your kids about sex: Turning “the talk” into a conversation for life. DK.

5. Dines, G. (2010). Pornland: How porn has hijacked our sexuality. Beacon Press.

6. Sommet, N., & Berent, J. (2023). Porn use and men’s and women’s sexual performance: Evidence from a large longitudinal sample. Psychological Medicine, 53, 3105–3114.
https://doi.org/10.1017/S003329172100516X 

7. Quadara, A., El-Murr, A., & Latham, J. (2017, December). Online Pornography: Effects on children & young people. Australian Institute of Family Studies.
https://aifs.gov.au/sites/default/files/publication-documents/online_pornography-effects_on_children_young_people_snapshot_0.pdf

8. Biello-Taylor, A. (2024, February 22). Why is porn addictive? Addiction Center.
https://www.addictioncenter.com/drugs/porn-addiction/why-is-porn-addictive/#:~:text=Like%20drugs%2C%20alcohol%2C%20video%20games,someone%20uses%20drugs%20or%20alcohol

9. Cline, V. B., & Wilcox, B. (2002). The pornography trap. Marriage and Families, 9, 3.
https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/marriageandfamilies/vol9/iss1/3 

10. Kohut, T., & Štulhofer, A. (2018). Is pornography use a risk for adolescent wellbeing? An examination of temporal relationships in two independent panel samples. PLoS ONE, 13(8): E0202048.
https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0202048

11. Tamarit, A., Schoeps, K., Peris-Hernández, M., Montoya-Castilla, I. (2021). The impact of adolescent internet addiction on sexual online victimization: The mediating effects of sexting and body self-esteem. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18, 4226.
https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18084226

12. Ainsworth-Masiello, R. & Evans, D. T. (2019). Expectations vs reality: In which ways might watching porn online, as male and female adolescents, contribute to poor emotional health? Education and Health, 37(4), 109–116.
http://sheu.org.uk/sheux/EH/eh374ram.pdf

13. Sturman, D. A., & Moghaddam, B. (2011). Reduced neuronal inhibition and coordination of adolescent prefrontal cortex during motivated behavior. The Journal of Neuroscience, 31(4), 1471–1478.
https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.4210-10.2011

14. Patchin, J. W., & Hinduja, S. (2020). Sextortion among adolescents: Results from a national survey of U.S. youth. Sexual Abuse, 32(1), 30–54.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1079063218800469

15. Federal Bureau of Investigation. (2024, January 17). Sextortion: A growing threat preying upon our nation’s teens. FBI.
https://www.fbi.gov/contact-us/field-offices/sacramento/news/sextortion-a-growing-threat-preying-upon-our-nations-teens

16. Owens, E. W., Behun, R. J., Manning, J. C., & Reid, R. C. (2012). The impact of internet pornography on adolescents: A review of the research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 19(1–2), 99–122.
https://doi.org/10.1080/10720162.2012.660431

17. Levin, B. (2023, November 6). Mike Johnson said he and his son monitor each other’s porn usage, and yeah, it’s exactly as weird as it sounds. Vanity Fair.
https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/11/mike-johnson-covenant-eyes

18. Easterlin, M.C., Chung, P.J., Leng, M., Dudovitz, R. (2019). Association of team sports participation with long-term mental health outcomes among individuals exposed to adverse childhood experiences. JAMA Pediatrics, 173(7), 681–688.
https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2019.1212

This guide can help you recognize the signs of dating violence, understand how to prevent it, and provide practical advice for having these necessary conversations with your teen.

Signs of Teen Dating Violence

Teen dating violence (TDV) is a harsh reality no parent wants to face, but given that every 1 in 12 teens will experience physical or sexual dating violence, it’s crucial to be prepared and know the signs.^[1] 

1. They apologize for their partner’s behavior and make excuses for them.

Longitudinal research conducted by the National Institute of Justice found that teens involved in abusive relationships frequently struggle with unhealthy relationship dynamics, such as controlling behaviors and intense emotional attachments.^[2]

These factors contribute to the victim’s tendency to rationalize their partner’s behavior, often blaming themselves or holding out hope that their partner will change​.

This mentality is a significant barrier to recognizing and escaping the cycle of abuse. 

2. They lose interest in activities they used to enjoy.

Withdrawal is a coping mechanism, a way of conserving emotional energy in an increasingly stressful environment.^[3]

A study published in Pediatrics found that “female participants experiencing victimization reported increased heavy episodic drinking, depressive symptomatology, [and] suicidal ideation.”^[4] 

Teens in abusive relationships often experience depression and anxiety, leading them to withdraw from hobbies and social engagements that previously brought them joy. 

3. They exhibit symptoms of depression and anxiety. 

As a parent, it’s easy to dismiss mood changes in your teen as just another phase of adolescence. But if your teen seems consistently down or stressed, it’s time to pay closer attention. 

Growing up today is challenging enough, but depression and anxiety aren’t just “part of growing up” — they can be indicators of something far more troubling, like being in an abusive relationship.

Experiencing intimate partner violence dramatically increases the likelihood of suffering from anxiety, depression, and even posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), according to numerous studies.^[5]

Observe your teen closely and pay attention to changes in their behavior. These shifts might be subtle, but they could be warning signs of something far more serious:

• Changes in sleep patterns: Insomnia, frequent nightmares, or sleeping too much
• Appetite changes: Sudden weight loss or gain, often due to loss of appetite or emotional eating
• Physical complaints: Unexplained headaches, stomachaches, or other physical pains without a clear cause
• Withdrawal: Pulling away from friends, family, and activities they used to enjoy
• Declining academic performance: Dropping grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or skipping classes
• Irritability or mood swings: Frequent outbursts, agitation, or emotional sensitivity
• Self-harm: Engaging in behaviors like cutting, burning, or other forms of self-injury
• Feelings of hopelessness: Expressing a sense of despair, worthlessness, or frequent thoughts about death or suicide.

Don’t wait. Addressing these symptoms early can prevent them from escalating and can help your teen get the support they need to break free from an abusive relationship. 

Your attention could make all the difference in keeping them safe.

4. They stop seeing friends and family members and become more and more isolated.

Isolation is one of the most telling signs of an unhealthy relationship. 

Abusers often isolate their victims from their support networks, making them more vulnerable to manipulation and less likely to seek help.^[6]

When teens stop seeing friends and family, this antisocial behavior often results because their partner has either directly or indirectly discouraged these connections, creating a sense of dependency and control.

5. Their partner calls them names and puts them down in front of other people.

By normalizing this behavior in public, the abuser is also conditioning their partner to accept mistreatment privately.

A study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence explores this aspect of dehumanization in the context of teen dating violence, stating, “Dehumanization has the potential to account for different abusive behaviors because it involves making negative judgments of others that make it easier to harm them.”^[7]

Public humiliation is not just a sign of disrespect; it’s a tactic used to erode self-esteem and assert control. 

6. Their partner acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to them, especially people of a different sex.

Jealousy, verbal conflict, and cheating are associated with the perpetration of physical violence in adolescent romantic relationships.^[8] 

The NIJ Journal reports that “a teen who has difficulty expressing himself or herself may turn to aggressive behaviors (sometimes in play) to show affection, frustration or jealousy.”^[9]

Jealousy is one of the early warning signs of an abusive relationship. When unchecked, this can evolve into controlling behaviors that severely limit the victim’s freedom and autonomy.

7. Their partner thinks or tells your child that you (the parents) don’t like them.

This tactic is a form of emotional manipulation designed to drive a wedge between the victim and their support system. Isolating a victim from their family is a common strategy used by abusers to increase control and dependency. 

By sowing distrust, the abuser ensures that their partner is less likely to turn to their parents or other loved ones for support or intervention.

8. Their partner controls their behavior, constantly checking up on them, calling and texting them, demanding to know who they’ve been with.

This behavior, often labeled as “overprotectiveness” by the perpetrator, is a form of digital dating abuse that has become increasingly common in the era of smartphones and social media. 

Nearly one in four teens in a relationship experience digital dating abuse, including constant monitoring and demanding constant communication.^[10]

This constant surveillance creates a state of perpetual anxiety and reinforces the abuser’s dominance.

9. They casually mention their partner’s violent behavior but laugh it off as a joke.

Laughing off violence is a coping mechanism, a way to downplay the seriousness of the situation and avoid confronting the reality of the abuse. 

Research published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health warns that if aggression is seen as attractive or acceptable — often due to societal and media influences — violence can be dangerously normalized. Gender stereotypes further blur the lines, making abuse seem less serious.^[11]

This normalization not only prevents victims from recognizing the abuse but also perpetuates the cycle, affecting future relationships.

10. You see their partner violently lose their temper, striking or breaking objects.

Witnessing your child’s partner violently lose their temper, especially to the point of striking or breaking objects, is a serious warning sign. 

This behavior indicates a lack of emotional control and a potential for physical harm. It’s not just a momentary lapse but a display of aggression that can easily escalate. Such actions create an environment of fear and intimidation, making the partner feel unsafe. 

This kind of behavior often precedes direct physical violence, and it’s a clear indication that the relationship is unhealthy and potentially dangerous.

11. They often have unexplained injuries, or the explanations they offer don’t make sense.

One in twelve teens experiences physical dating violence.^[12] And those numbers only represent the reported cases.

Frequent unexplained injuries or vague, inconsistent explanations are a call for immediate intervention.

It’s crucial not to dismiss these injuries as accidents, as they often point to physical abuse, where the teen may be covering up for their partner out of fear, shame, or denial. 

How to Prevent Teen Dating Violence

Educate yourself and your teen.

Learn that teen dating violence is not only about physical harm, but also emotional manipulation, psychological control, and digital harassment. 

When you understand the signs, you can guide your teen to recognize them too. Equip them with the knowledge to spot unhealthy behaviors before they escalate.

Here are some resources to educate yourself: 

• Break the Cycle
• The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey
• Teen Newsletter: March 2021 – Teen Dating Violence 
• Teen Dating Violence: A Closer Look at Adolescent Romantic Relationships
• National Parent and Youth Helpline

Set healthy relationship expectations

While most adolescents are aware of the unrealistic nature of relationship portrayals on social media, they still influence their own relationship views, according to a study published in Sexual Health.^[13]

Make it clear what a healthy relationship actually involves: setting boundaries, mutual respect, trust, and open communication. 

Share examples, either from your life or from stories they know, that illustrate positive and negative dynamics. 

This helps set a clear standard for what they should expect and demand in a relationship.

Encourage open communication

Create a space where your teen feels comfortable talking to you about anything. 

If they know they can approach you without fearing judgment or punishment, they’re more likely to share their concerns and experiences, including those about their relationships. 

This openness is crucial for addressing any issues before they become more serious.

Model healthy relationships

Your teen looks to you for cues, whether they admit it or not. 

Demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like by being respectful, communicative, and kind in your interactions. 

When they see you handling disagreements and stress constructively, it sets a powerful example of what they should aim for in their own relationships.

Stay involved in your teen’s life

Get to know who your teen is spending time with. 

Encourage group activities where you can casually meet their friends and potential partners. 

By staying engaged without being intrusive, you can keep a pulse on their social life and spot any troubling signs early on.

Talking to Your Teen About Dating Violence: 10 Questions to Ask 

1. How are things going?

Start with a non-threatening question to create a comfortable environment where your teen feels safe opening up. 

If they respond with something like, “Why do you care all of a sudden?” remember, they’re signaling they want you involved. 

Acknowledge their feelings by asking, “Why would you say that? I really want to know.” Then, listen. 

This approach sets the stage for deeper conversations without jumping straight into heavy topics like teen dating abuse or intimate partner violence.

2. What are your friends’ dating relationships like?

Understanding the dating culture among your teen’s peers is crucial. Peer influence is a significant factor in adolescent behavior, including dating. 

Ask about what they observe in their friends’ relationships to gauge what they might be normalizing. 

According to a survey conducted by the CDC in 2016 and 2017, more than one in four women and every one in five men reported having experienced dating violence before the age of 18.^[14]

These stats highlight the importance of discussing what’s happening in their social circle.

3. Have you seen any kind of abusive behavior between two people who are going out?

This question helps identify whether your teen recognizes abusive behaviors. 

It’s important to talk about what constitutes dating violence, including emotional and psychological abuse. 

According to the “Youth Risk Behavior Survey” conducted and published by the CDC, about 9% of high school students have reported experiencing sexual dating violence.^[15]

These behaviors can be subtle, so ensure your teen knows that abuse isn’t just physical.

4. Why do you think one person would abuse the other when dating?

Society often pressures boys to equate masculinity with power, strength, and control. 

Studies leave no doubt about how sexist attitudes in adolescent relationships are related to intimate partner violence, sexual risk behaviors, and poor relationship quality.^[16]

In relationships, this can manifest as psychological or emotional abuse, threats, possessiveness, jealousy, intimidation, and even physical violence. 

Unfortunately, such behavior is too often dismissed or excused. 

Discussing these issues might lead to some uncomfortable questions or disagreements, but it’s important to reflect on the messages your teen is receiving at home and in your interactions. 

Be honest and open about your thoughts and experiences and encourage a genuine conversation about these influences and their impact on behavior.

5. Why might a person stay in an abusive relationship?

Shockingly, according to a study featured in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, “Most of the adolescent victims of physical dating violence remain satisfied and committed toward their abusive relationship . . . in which the abuse tends to persist and increase in frequency and severity.”^[17]

Teens may stay in abusive relationships due to love, fear, or low self-esteem. Love can blind them to the reality of the abuse, while fear of the abuser’s reaction or of being alone can keep them trapped. Low self-esteem, often eroded by the abuser, makes them believe they deserve the mistreatment. 

Discussing these tendencies openly with your child helps them recognize the signs of abuse and understand that they’re not alone, empowering them to seek help and break free from unhealthy relationships.

6. What makes a relationship healthy?

A healthy relationship is rooted in mutual respect, trust, and clearly set boundaries. It’s essential that both partners feel valued, supported, and free to express themselves without fear of judgment or retaliation. 

Trust fosters honesty and transparency, while boundaries ensure that both individuals maintain their autonomy and feel secure. As parents, discussing the green flags of a healthy relationship with your teen and comparing them to the red flags of an unhealthy relationship can help them set expectations as to what a good relationship looks like.

7. What can you do if you have a friend who is threatened or a friend who is abusive?

Your teens may find themselves needing to support a friend in an abusive relationship. 

Discuss the importance of active, reflective listening, providing nonjudgmental support, and encouraging their friend to seek help. 

Remind your teen about resources like the National Dating Abuse Helpline. 

A study published in the Journal of School Health reveals that only 9% of youth report abuse because they are afraid to tell friends and family.^[18]

It’s crucial that your teens know how to help themselves and their friends get and stay safe.

8. What kind of messages about dating abuse and relationships do we see in the media?

Media plays a significant role in shaping teens’ perceptions of relationships, often normalizing unhealthy dynamics. Movies, music, and social media frequently portray sexism, devalue women, and, disturbingly, normalize violence against women. 

Unfortunately, domestic violence is sometimes trivialized or even depicted humorously in news outlets, magazines, advertisements, and television shows.^[19]

It’s crucial that you talk with your kids about these media messages, helping them critically evaluate how these portrayals align — or clash — with the values of respect and equality that should guide healthy relationships.

9. If your teen is dating someone, ask “How is your relationship going?”

If your teen is dating, ask them, “How is your relationship going?” to encourage open dialogue. This allows you to gauge their relationship health without being intrusive.

If your teen isn’t dating, ask, “What behaviors would you be okay with in a relationship?” to set a foundation for healthy expectations. 

If you discover that your child is either a victim or a perpetrator of violence in a relationship, stay calm and supportive. Don’t blame yourself. Focus on your child. 

Reassure your teen that you love them and thank them for trusting you. Avoid forbidding the relationship, which could push them away. Instead, ask how you can help, seek a counselor specializing in teen dating violence, and provide ongoing support. 

If your teen admits to abusive behavior, express love but stress that his behavior must change. Seek counseling and reflect on any behaviors you’ve modeled. 

Contact a domestic violence agency or the National Dating Abuse Helpline. 

Keep communication open without fear of punishment.

10. Where can you go to find help if you or your friend needs it?

Finally, ensure that your teen knows where to find help. It could be a relative, friend of the family, clergy member, teacher, school counselor, coach, or even the police — anyone, as long as they talk. 

Whether it’s through the Love is Respect website, the CDC’s youth violence prevention resources, or a local hotline, make sure they have access to these resources.

What Is Relationship Abuse?

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a serious preventable public health problem that impacts millions of Americans. It occurs across the lifespan and often starts in adolescence, referred to as teen dating violence (TDV).

IPV (also commonly referred to as domestic violence or relationship abuse) includes “physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression (including coercive tactics) by a current or former intimate partner (i.e., spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, dating partner, or ongoing sexual partner).”^[20]

Intimate partner violence (IPV) can take many forms, like physical harm, psychological manipulation, sexual coercion, and stalking, which can occur both in person and through digital means, such as mobile devices and social media. 

Abuse does not always result in physical injuries. It can manifest as threats, emotional abuse, insults, or isolating someone from their social network. Controlling what a person wears, who they associate with, or violating their personal boundaries are also forms of abuse. 

It is important to recognize that anyone, regardless of age, race, religion, sexual orientation, education, or income level, can be a victim or a perpetrator of IPV.

Before You Begin

Your child is probably already dating — perhaps more seriously than you realize. 

According to the Pew Research Center, some 35% of teens have some type of experience in a romantic relationship.^[21]

And while it may seem like innocent “puppy love” to you, relationships between teenagers can seem incredibly intense and all-consuming to them.^[22]

As a parent, you must understand and accept the realities of teen relationships and sexuality in order to protect your child from teen dating violence.

A study featured in the Journal of Adolescence revealed that “teens, more than parents, stressed the importance of parents supporting and providing comfort to teens while refraining from overreacting and yelling.”^[23]

Don’t let your discomfort with the topic blind you to the possible warning signs of relationship abuse or stop you from reaching out and communicating with your child. 

Getting Started

Starting a conversation about abuse with your teen is a significant and delicate task. Choosing the right moment and approach can make all the difference. Here are some tips to help you navigate this important discussion:

1. What’s a good setting to have this conversation?

When talking to your teen about sensitive topics like abuse, choose a private and comfortable setting. Opt for a quiet place, like a coffee shop or a casual drive, where you won’t run into familiar faces or be distracted. 

Avoid mentioning the conversation in front of others, except possibly your child’s other parent. 

Creating a relaxed environment helps your teen feel safe and more willing to open up. Focus on listening respectfully to encourage honest communication.

2. What should I hope to get out of the conversation?

In your conversation, aim for two main goals:

• Build trust: Ensure your teen feels supported and understands that you’re a nonjudgmental listener they can rely on.
• Offer practical strategies: Once trust is established, provide realistic advice to help them effectively address any issues they’re facing.

You can’t achieve the second goal without first establishing the trust and support that your teen needs.

3. Are there any other nuts-and-bolts tips for having the actual conversation?

This talk will be difficult for both you and your teen. The better the communication structure you’ve built over years, the easier it will be, but it will not be easy — no matter what. 

Here are some tips on how to approach the actual conversation: 

• Share your own experiences. Talk about mistakes you made when you were your teen’s age and what you learned from them. This helps build connection without crossing boundaries — remember, they need you as a parent, not a friend. Avoid discussing recent personal experiences to maintain those boundaries.
• Use teachable moments. Take advantage of natural opportunities to bring up the topic, like while watching a TV show that touches on similar issues. You can also weave discussions about dating violence into conversations on other sensitive topics or include your younger teen in discussions with older siblings.

Be attentive and responsive. Always be ready to listen when your teen wants to talk, even if they downplay the importance of the conversation. Being available and attentive reinforces that you’re there to support them.

4. How can I tell if my teen might want to talk to me?

Pay close attention to your teen’s behavior to recognize when they might want to talk. 

If they hang around you without saying much, mention not feeling well without a clear reason, or try to get you alone — like volunteering to run an errand with you — these could be signs they’re ready to open up. 

Even if they frame a conversation as “no big deal,” take it seriously. The fact that they’re bringing it up at all indicates that it matters to them.

Conclusion

Maintaining an open line of communication with your teen is essential to helping them navigate relationships and preventing dating violence.

Regularly check in with them and be attentive to any signs that they might want to talk, even if they downplay their concerns. 

By fostering trust and providing practical advice, you can empower your teen to recognize unhealthy behaviors and seek help when needed. 

Remember, your ongoing support and understanding are key in guiding them through these challenges and ensuring their safety.

Resources

• Break the Cycle: Provides education, support, and legal services to teens and young adults experiencing dating violence
• Love is Respect: Offers resources and a hotline for teens and parents to learn about healthy relationships and get help
• National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: A confidential helpline offering support and advice for teens experiencing dating abuse
• CDC Youth Violence Prevention: Information on preventing youth violence, including dating violence, from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Provides 24/7 support for anyone experiencing domestic violence, including teens in abusive relationships

References

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   https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/69/su/SU6901a4.htm ︎
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    https://doi.org/10.1071/SH20056 ︎
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    https://www.cdc.gov/nisvs/documentation/NISVSReportonIPV_2022.pdf ︎
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    https://www.cdc.gov/yrbs/dstr/index.html ︎
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    https://doi.org/10.1111/josh.12816 ︎
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