Uh-oh, looks like Cupid’s arrow hit its mark, but your guy is playing emotional dodgeball. You need to decode his mixed messages. It’s time to put on your detective hat and uncover the signs he is fighting his feelings for you.
Does He Have Feelings for Me? Signs He Is Fighting Them
1. He sends overly formal messages
One minute he’s cracking jokes by the water cooler, the next he’s sending emails that read like they’re addressed to the Supreme Court: “Per our previous conversation regarding the lunch menu options, please be advised that pizza would be acceptable.”
Table of Contents
Meanwhile, you’ve literally seen him eat pizza with a fork to avoid getting sauce on his tie when you’re around. Last week, he signed an email with “Best professional regards,” just to ask if you wanted a coffee from the coffee run.
2. He avoids eye contact
The moment your eyes meet across the conference room, he suddenly discovers a fascinating new universe in his notebook. He is avoiding your gaze because he’s fighting his feelings for you.
In a study published in the Journal of Research and Personality, two strangers of different sexes were instructed to look into each other’s eyes for two minutes. It was discovered this was sufficient to elicit strong emotions for one another.[1] He knows eye contact can give a lot away, so he avoids it.
You’ve caught him looking your way exactly 47 times during Monday’s meeting (yes, you counted), but each time you glance back, he’s performing an elaborate inspection of the ceiling tiles. He’s becoming suspiciously knowledgeable about office architecture just to have something to stare at when you walk by.
3. He keeps physical distance
This man has mapped out every possible route to the copy machine that avoids passing your desk. He’s calculated the exact time you take your coffee break and somehow manages to be on the opposite side of the building.
Research by Conradi et al. suggests that “. . . attachment may manifest itself not only in terms of psychological intimacy but also in terms of physical distance.”[2] If he’s got hardcore feelings for you and he’s fighting them for whatever reason, he knows being near you is dangerous. What your allure is, it’s so powerful that your nearness is unbearable.
When forced into proximity during team meetings, he positions himself at a distance that suggests you might be radioactive. Yet somehow, he still knew your coffee order without asking when it was his turn to make the run.
4. He’s always “too busy”
Out of nowhere, his schedule becomes a labyrinth of “very important” appointments that just so happen to clash with any potential one-on-one time with you. His calendar looks like a game of Tetris played by someone with a severe case of perfectionism.
Yet, he still manages to be in the lobby every morning exactly when you arrive, pretending to be deeply interested in the potted plants while sneaking glances at you through the reflection on his phone screen.
5. He stalks your social media
He’s developed a complex algorithm for when to view your Instagram stories (never within four hours of you posting, never after 8 p.m., and absolutely never on weekends).
That one time he accidentally liked your beach photo from 2019 at 2 a.m., he probably contemplated changing his name and moving to Antarctica. Now he maintains a strictly professional LinkedIn-only policy, but somehow knows about every single one of your posts.
Let’s hope he doesn’t have a Finsta or the feelings he’s fighting might be psychopathic ones.
6. He disappears at social events
At office gatherings, he executes a masterful dance of being simultaneously everywhere and nowhere. He’s perfected the art of standing just close enough to hear you laugh but far enough to pretend he’s deeply engrossed in a conversation about printer toner with Bob from IT.
The moment you approach his group, he suddenly remembers he has to call his mother/feed his fish/reorganize his sock drawer. Don’t worry. You don’t smell. He’s just fighting feelings for you.
7. He can’t handle personal conversations
The second the topic shifts from spreadsheets to personal life, he starts fidgeting like he’s sitting on hot coals. A study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience found that body sway, a form of nonverbal interaction, correlates with romantic interest, implying that similar movements like fidgeting could signal attraction.[3]
You mentioned your favorite movie, and he nearly sprained something trying not to reveal he’d seen it 12 times. When you talked about your weekend plans, he rearranged everything on his desk three times while maintaining the world’s most intense eye contact with his computer screen.
These are classic signs of a guy who is afraid to act on his feelings so he suppresses them instead.
Why Does He Act Interested One Minute and Distant the Next?
The emotional roller coaster of a man fighting his feelings can be as confusing as it is frustrating. One day, he’s texting you good morning and good night, making plans for the weekend, and showering you with attention. The next, he’s distant, taking hours to respond to messages and canceling plans at the last minute.
This push-pull dynamic is a classic sign of internal conflict. Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his work on relationships, describes this behavior as “emotional flooding.”[4] When emotions become too intense, some people shut down or withdraw as a self-protective measure.
It’s like watching a battle play out in real time. His feelings surge forward, breaking through the walls he’s built, allowing him to be open and vulnerable with you. But then fear strikes — fear of getting hurt, of losing control, of changing the status quo — and he retreats, rebuilding those walls brick by brick.
One big reason he might be acting distant is fear of commitment. It’s pretty common. He might like you but is pulling back because he’s not ready to dive into something long-term just yet.
Stress is another culprit. Guys often deal with stress by withdrawing. According to Carvalheira et al., men experiencing work-related stress may withdraw as a coping mechanism, potentially appearing uninterested in their partners.[5]
His attachment style could also be at play. Research by Ren et al. shows that avoidantly attached people rank independence higher in importance compared to intimacy and trust.[6] So, while he enjoys being close on occasion, he might pull back when things get too intense emotionally, just to keep his sense of space.
Why Is He Holding Back His Feelings?
The reasons a man might fight his feelings are as varied and complex as the human heart itself. Fear, past hurts, and societal expectations — all can play a role in creating emotional barriers.
I mean, Mr. Darcy had a whole mountain of reasons to fight his feelings for Lizzy.
Some common reasons men fight their feelings include:
- Fear of vulnerability
- Past relationship trauma
- Uncertainty about his feelings
- Career or personal life commitments
- Cultural expectations
- Fear of rejection
- Societal pressure to appear “masculine” or unemotional
- Lack of emotional intelligence
Understanding these underlying factors can provide insight into his behavior, fostering empathy and patience as he navigates the intricate landscape of his emotions.
Signs You Are Both Hiding Your Feelings
Sometimes, the dance of hidden emotions is performed by two. Both of you might be concealing your true feelings, creating a symphony of unspoken emotions.
Conversations crackle with unspoken tension
When two people are hiding their feelings, their conversations become laden with subtext. Every word carries hidden meanings, every silence is pregnant with possibilities. You might find yourselves having long, meandering conversations about nothing in particular, neither wanting the interaction to end.
Your friends notice the chemistry
Sometimes, those closest to us can see what we try so hard to hide. If your friends keep making comments about the “spark” between you two or asking if something is going on, it might be a sign that your hidden feelings are more visible to others than to you.
You find excuses to be in each other’s orbit
Like planets gravitating towards each other, you might find yourselves creating reasons to be in each other’s presence. Whether it’s asking for help with a task you could easily do yourself or “coincidentally” showing up at his favorite coffee shop, these chance encounters are the heart’s way of seeking what the mind is trying to deny.
You’re hyper-aware of each other’s presence
In a room full of people, you always seem to know exactly where he is. Your body is attuned to his presence and you might find yourself unconsciously orienting towards him, even from across the room.
Why Do Guys Hide Their Feelings When They Like a Girl?
Even when a man has strong feelings for a woman, he may hide these feelings. But men are not a monolith, so there’s no firm explanation for this phenomenon. He could be hiding his undying love for any number of reasons. In all likelihood, it comes down to insecurity.
Shy or introverted guys are more prone to this behavior than others. But even outgoing, confident men can struggle to recognize strong romantic feelings for someone. He might see you as someone special but not know what that is really supposed to look like.
Men, shaped by societal expectations and personal experiences, often struggle to express their emotions openly. The fear of vulnerability, rejection, or appearing weak can lead them to bury their feelings deep within.
As psychologist Dr. Ronald F. Levant explains in his research, many men are conditioned from a young age to suppress their emotions, leading to difficulty in recognizing and expressing feelings in adulthood.[7]
This emotional suppression can be particularly strong when it comes to romantic feelings, which require a level of vulnerability that may feel threatening.
What to Do When a Guy Is Fighting His Feelings for You
There’s not much you can do to change this guy and how he operates, but you can control how you react to his reticence.
Practice patience and understanding
Remember that his struggle is internal. Be patient and give him space to work through his emotions. Pushing too hard might cause him to retreat further.
Create a safe space for vulnerability
Foster an environment where he feels safe to express himself without judgment. This might involve sharing your vulnerabilities and showing appreciation when he opens up.
Focus on building trust and emotional intimacy
Develop a strong foundation of trust and emotional connection. This can help him feel more secure in exploring and expressing his feelings.
Maintain your emotional health
While it’s good to be understanding, don’t neglect your own emotional needs. Maintain your friendships, hobbies, and personal growth.
Communicate openly, but don’t push
Express your feelings and thoughts openly but avoid pressuring him to reciprocate immediately. Let him know that you’re there to listen when he’s ready to talk.
Pay attention to actions, not just words
Sometimes, a man’s actions speak louder than his words. Pay attention to how he treats you and the effort he puts into your relationship. This can help you decide whether you should wait for him to come to terms with his feelings or move on to someone who is ready for a relationship.
Set healthy boundaries
Yes, you’re being patient and respecting his process, but it’s important to set boundaries for what you’re comfortable with. Don’t let the uncertainty of the situation lead to a relationship dynamic that doesn’t meet your needs.
There’s a fine line between reeling you in and then throwing you back because he can’t make heads or tails of his feelings and simply playing with you like a dog plays with a squirrel until it’s dead.
How Long Can a Guy Hide His Feelings?
The duration a man can hide his feelings varies dramatically. In romantic comedies like 10 Things I Hate About You, we see Patrick Verona (Heath Ledger) conceal his growing affection for Kat Stratford (Julia Stiles) for just a few weeks. This represents a relatively short-term emotional suppression, common in light-hearted narratives.
In extreme cases, men might hide their feelings indefinitely. The classic novel The Great Gatsby portrays Jay Gatsby’s decades-long pining for Daisy Buchanan, a love he never truly expresses directly until forced by circumstances. While fictional, this represents those rare but impactful cases where emotions are buried so deeply, they may never see the light of day without significant catalysts.
Ultimately, the duration of emotional concealment depends on individual circumstances, but open communication and emotional intelligence can help bridge these gaps.
Keep hope alive. Even Darcy eventually gave in when he said to Lizzy, “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”
Conclusion
Recognizing signs a guy is fighting his feelings means observing subtle cues like lingering glances, avoidant behavior, and inconsistent actions.
While fear and past experiences may cause hesitation, patience and open communication can create a safe space for emotions to unfold naturally.
For more advice about getting into a relationship, follow the link.
FAQs
How do you test if he has feelings for you?
To test if he has feelings for you, observe if he makes an effort to spend time with you and shows genuine interest in your life. Notice his body language, like maintaining eye contact, leaning in when talking, and mirroring your actions.
How to tell if he’s catching feelings?
If he’s catching feelings, he might text or call you often, even without a specific reason. He may find excuses to be physically close to you, like sitting next to you or touching your arm.
How do you know if he’s falling for you?
When he’s falling for you, he will likely make you a priority in his life and adjust his schedule to spend time with you. He will be there for you during tough times and show genuine concern for your well-being.
How to tell if a man loves you but is scared?
If a man loves you but is scared, he might send mixed signals, showing affection one moment and pulling away the next. He may avoid talking about his feelings or the future, possibly out of fear of rejection.
References
1. Kellerman, J., Lewis, J., & Laird, J. D. (1989). Looking and loving: The effects of mutual gaze on feelings of romantic love. Journal of Research in Personality, 23(2), 145–161.
https://doi.org/10.1016/0092-6566(89)90020-2
2. Conradi, H. J., Noordhof, A., Boyette, L.-L., & de Jonge, P. (2020). Physical distance between romantic partners as a marker for attachment in couples: A proof of concept study. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 41(1), 91–106.
https://doi.org/10.1002/anzf.1398
3. Chang, A. Haley, E., Kragness., Wei, Tsou., Daniel, J., Bosnyak., Anja, Thiede., Anja, Thiede., Laurel, J., Trainor., Laurel, J., Trainor. (2021). Body sway predicts romantic interest in speed dating. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 16, 185–192.
https://doi.org/10.1093/SCAN/NSAA093
4. Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. W. W. Norton and Company.
5. Carvalheira, A. A., Træen, B., & Štulhofer, A. (2014). Correlates of men’s sexual interest: A cross‐cultural study. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 11(1), 154–164.
https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12345
6. Ren, D., Arriaga, X. B., & Mahan, E. R. (2017). Attachment insecurity and perceived importance of relational features. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(4), 446–466.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407516640604
7. Levant, R. F., Allen, P. A., & Lien, M.-C. (2014). Alexithymia in men: How and when do emotional processing deficiencies occur? Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 15(3), 324.
https://doi.org/10.1037/A0033860
